Chapter 34 Clinical trial

Derek sat in Mark's office, glancing at the clock as the minute hand continued to move painfully slowly around. Mark had been and gone some twenty minutes, but as of yet Derek still hadn't moved. He was just left in limbo…waiting… but for what he wasn't quite sure. The longer he waited the more he doubted himself for what he had just done. He knew what he had done was wrong, and likely to upset Meredith, but at this moment in time he wasn't sure how else to help her face what was happening to her Mother. People often do irrational things when they are worried and scared for the person they love…she had to understand that…she had to.

He had spoken to Mark as a friend, and as a brother. He hadn't shared too much information with him, and he sure as hell hadn't used Meredith's name. Instead he had used a work colleague from the station…as if he were asking advice for a fellow fire fighter who had concerns over a parent's health. He had kept his emotions in check, and put on a pretty brave front to the man who could read him better than anyone at times, and he was pretty sure Mark had no reason to suspect that their conversation lead back to Meredith. When the idea had first come to him he had known it was important to keep Meredith's anonymity throughout the process…for as long as was deemed possible at least. She had confided in him and he wasn't about to throw that trust back in her face, besides he still didn't know if what he was thinking was entirely possible…nobody needed to know anything until the very last minute if he could get Meredith to agree…he just had to get her to agree.

She had clammed up once again after the Shepherd lunch. She had, of course, enjoyed spending time with his mother, his siblings and their families, and she had fitted into the space beside him perfectly, as if she was born to be a Shepherd. Her earlier nerves had been extinguished and she had quickly adapted to being one of many adults in the Shepherd clan, she had found it quite liberating to not have the attention solely on herself, there were so many Shepherds to go around that attention was continuously shifting, and she had responded well to that. It hadn't been the Meredith Grey show like she had initially feared…instead the channel had continuously changed for a sister, to a child, to dinner…to the pet dog.. But since that day it was as if she had inverted again, not bringing up her own mother into conversation or sharing any of the thousands of things that were clearly ricocheting around her mind. He felt almost guilty for showing her what family life could be like, and he couldn't help but fear that he had in fact highlighted to Meredith all that she had missed out on…it was as if he had made things worse, and this was the only way he could currently come up with to fix it.

He just hoped that in helping hr he wouldn't push her away from the family, love and support that she needed, and deserved.

He wanted to help, to ease her pain…she was like a stuck record with her 'I'm fine' chorusing out every time he had slightly pushed her to let him in some more, but now, as he waited he convinced himself that what he had done in talking to Mark could in fact end up blowing back up in his face, and the thought of losing Meredith petrified him completely…but if he didn't act soon he couldn't help but sense that she would drift away anyway…it was a double edge sword and perhaps a risk he just had to take.

He rose slowly from the couch, pushed his hands into his pockets, and prayed that as tough as this may get…it would be ok in the end…she had to let him in…she had to want to share her worries and her fears…he wanted to be that person for Meredith, forever.

Meredith was exhausted. That was all she could think of as she sat herself down on the couch in the residents lounge. After getting paged in the middle of the night, and assisting on an ER trauma before rounds she glanced at the clock and her heart sank as she realised just how much longer she had to work today. She allowed herself to stretch out on the cushions a moment, her back muscles crying out for rest as she hoped she wasn't coming down with something. She just needed to close her eyes for a moment.

'Grey!'

'Wh…wh…sorry.'

'How long have you been sleeping there Grey?' the familiar bellows of Dr Bailey filled the empty lounge and seemed to echo off every surface.

'I…I just closed my eyes for a second.' Meredith coughed, her lungs burning as she battled a second cough straight after.

'How long have you been here?' Dr Bailey repeated as she cast a worrying eye over Meredith's exhausted frame.

'I was paged in the middle of the night, but now I have rounds…and meds…and…oh…' she moaned as she rose to stand from the couch, her body screaming out in agony as if an elephant had taken out its anger on her muscles!

'Are you sick?'

'What? No...I can't be…too much to do…' she stuttered as a second wave of thunderous coughs shook through her system.

'This is your lucky day Grey. The chief has imposed a new limit on residents and interns who work extended hours. You've reached your limit! So go home, rest up…and get some medicine down your neck before you end up needing more than a few hours off.' Dr Bailey stated, a look of genuine concern etched on her face.

'A limit? Seriously?'

'Seriously, personally I think the man is crazy and he is going to run this place into the ground sending perfectly healthy doctors home every time an alarm bell beeps in his office or something…but on this occasion I support his idea completely,. You are sick…or you are starting to be…so go…rest…sleep…come back tomorrow with a smile on your face.'

'So I can go?'

'Go! Before I change my mind and send you to do scut in the pit.'

Meredith gathered her belongings up and headed out wearily to the elevator, as the doors opened she was pleasantly surprised at who she found behind them.

'Hi' the familiar voice of the man she loved whispered from the now empty elevator, all previous travellers having disembarked at the surgical floor.

'Hi' she smiled as she stepped inside and moved beside Derek.

'You're leaving?' he questioned as the last he had heard she wouldn't be free until gone 6 that night.

'80 hour limit, plus I'm sick, you?' she stuttered as she felt the now familiar tickle brush her throat as she tried to stifle the cough.

'Lunch with Mark but he got called into surgery. You're sick?' he asked as he closed the gap and ran his fingers through the stray strands of her hair that had escaped from her pony tail.

'It's just a cold, I'll live…nothing a few hours sleep won't fix….and …a dog!' she smiled as she stepped back a little to give herself room to cough away from Derek.

'You want a dog? Is this a new prescription I haven't heard of…dog's cure colds?' he laughed, before running his hand over her back to soothe her pain as she coughed once again.

'My point is I want a dog,' she whispered as she leant back on the wall of the elevator, shocked by how sick she suddenly felt.

'You know what I love dogs,' he smiled as he leant beside her, lifting his hand up slightly to check her temperature, shocking himself at how warm she felt to touch.

'You do? Don't give me that look if you think it's a crazy idea because I seriously want a dog.'

'What look? I wasn't doing any look, your hot Mer… in more ways than one, but right now you are burning up, it wasn't a look…it was concern, you're sick.' He added, once again glancing over to her in an oh so familiar way.

'That look! Our look…meeting Libby and the others made me think…not about children because I'm not sure I will ever be ready to think about that, I'm definitely not ready for that….but a dog…I could love a dog…'

'Do you even know how to look after a dog; you couldn't feed yourself if I didn't cook for you.' He joked as he wrapped his arms around her, and rested her head against his chest.

'Shut up!' she gasped as she pulled away a little, pretending to hit him in disgust. 'There are tins, and bones…and pizza…my dog would love pizza!'

'You can't feed a dog pizza Meredith.'

'Said who?'

'Me? And I'm pretty sure every veterinarian in the country! Scrap that…the world!'

'And who made you the dog whisperer!'

'You really want a dog?'

'I do.'

'Then ok, let's do it! I'm sure we can work something around our shifts, and my mom would probably take care of it when we both had to work, there is a lot of land at the trailer, it's actually a perfect for a dog.'

'You really don't think I'm crazy?'

'No Meredith I don't think you're crazy…it's a nice idea…let's do it….lets get a dog!'

'We? My dog…you can borrow him or whatever!'

'Our dog!'

'Fine! He can be our dog when he needs his poop picking up after him, or feeding…or cleaning. You can definitely have him when he needs cleaning!

'Deal! We are getting a dog!'

'We are! So you're leaving, I'm leaving…you wanna leave together?' she smirked as she laced her fingers with his as the elevator door pinged open.

'Oh…I can't…I'm sorry…when Mark cancelled I called the station…extra shift…I thought you were working….but tonight? Dinner and a movie?'

'Dinner and a movie sounds perfect…and names…we need a name for our dog.'

'It helps to choose the dog first Mer, give him a name that suits.'

'No harm in thinking about it though' she giggled as she pressed a delicate kiss to his cheek before once again allowing her rib cage to rattle as a cough took over her.

'About 8? That gives you plenty of time to sleep first Meredith. You should definitely sleep.'

'I will, or at least I will try…see you tonight.'

'Can't wait…love you.'

'Love you too.

Meredith had meant to sleep; she had gone straight home, taken some Tynoll and collapsed into bed with the full intention of resting up ready to see Derek later that night. But no matter how hard she tried to drift off her body fought her every step of the way. Almost an hour later she decided the attempt was futile and decided to face up to a visit with her mother instead, after all she already felt dreadful…how much worse could it be?

'Meredith…Hi' Paula the facility manager greeted her as she walked in through the door and into the entrance hall.

'Hi. I had the morning off so I thought I would come and see how my mother's doing?' Meredith explained because this wasn't the normal time that she would normally manage to get away, she would usually be working, or sleeping!

'Oh she's fine; she's in the sitting room.'

'Thanks'

'She's in good spirits, visitors really cheer her up.' Paula offered before heading off in another direction leaving a very puzzled Meredith rooted to the spot.

'Visitors?' Her words washed away, and the breath caught in the back of her throat in shock at the sight before her.

Derek came out of the sitting room, smiling, oblivious to her presence as he helped himself to more coffee from the machine that rested in the hall before he set back off in to the room.

'What are you doing here?' she called, unaware of where her voice had come from as she watched Derek freeze in the doorway, his shoulders sinking in fear at the realisation of being caught out.

He turned slowly, anguish on his face as he closed the gap between them, eager to repair whatever damage he had already done.

'What are you doing here?' Meredith repeated, her hand flying to her hip in anger as she demanded an answer, but failing to mask the pool of tears that had quickly, and understandably raced to the surface.

'There is a clinical trial.' He began slowly, his voice shaking with nerves as he instantly regretted pushing his luck and doing this behind her back 'it's to see the progression of early onset Alzheimer's, I researched it he stuttered desperate for any kind of response that would ease his fears that his actions may just have ruined the best thing to ever happen to him.

'Ok me you can screw with, if you need to…but my mother, no, not acceptable.'

'Look there has been some really promising results from similar studies in Europe, your mother is a prime candidate, I spoke to Mark, it would be easy to get her added on.'

'You spoke to Mark about my mother? After I specifically told you no one knew? You went behind my back and did that?' she cried, her hands running through her hair as she turned her back on him a second, eager to not let him see the damage he was doing.

'Hypothetically I spoke to Mark yes, about the Chief Lieutenants mother…Mark doesn't have a clue I meant you. I would never have gone to him and told him it was you who needed help for your mother…never you have to believe that Mer.' He whispered as he moved closer and ran his hands down her arms, his heart breaking as she flinched from his touch and moved herself further away from him

'My mother is very sick, and has very few good days, and I don't want her poked and prodded for some experimental programme just so you can be the hero in all of this.'

'I'm just trying to help. I'm not trying to be hero. I love you Meredith. You don't have to go through any of this on your own. A problem shared…I can help you…let me help you.'

'You see this, what you're doing, being dreamy, it doesn't help, it hurts me. It messes with my head. I only just told you about her and now you are trying to swoop in her and fix it, just like that. I have been dealing with this by myself for a long time. I'm ok. I don't need your help…I don't need you to interfere. You put fires out and rescue cats from trees, you're not a surgeon or a brain specialist…you have a perfect family you have no idea what this is like for me, you don't get to decide on a course of treatment without even speaking to me first.'

'I didn't mean it to get this far, I wanted some facts to bring to you. I wanted to share some options with you, and I admit the way I went around it was wrong…I just didn't know what else to do.'

'Try talking to me Derek, instead of this…anything but this.'

'Talking wasn't exactly going well, ever since lunch the other day you have built the Berlin Wall up again around yourself, the slightest mention of your mother left you on edge. I did what I thought was best. I see now that it wasn't the best way to deal with things. But I want to help you get through this. You deserve to have someone.' He stated; panic evident in his voice as he feared once again that his actions had been one step too far, he tentatively took a step forwards, eager to feel her in his arms. 'Meredith please.' He begged as he reached out his hand and placed it on her forearm. She allowed it to sit there just a split second longer than she had meant to before she pulled her arm away and fled the Nursing home leaving him frozen with fear for what he had just done.