Lily and james walked back through the hospital halls only thirty minutes after they had left. She had tried to be quick and get back to see her father as soon as she could. Her breakdown in the shower had slowed her down somewhat but she was here now. She walked down the hall as fast as she could without drawing attention to herself. She wondered if he would be awake. What would she say to him? Did it matter? She just wanted to talk to him again. She just wanted to know that he was okay.
She and james turned the corner into the waiting room. The first thing lily saw was her mother and petunia hugging. And crying. Lily moved closer to them now, faster, not caring if she drew attention to herself. She had to know he was okay. He had to be okay.
"Mom?" she asked, not expecting her voice to crack like it had. Her mother turned her head toward lily and simply shook it. That was all it took. Lily's eyes filled with tears immediately, like someone had opened a flood gate.
"He's- is he-" her mother just nodded again.
"Lily-" james tried but she pushed him away. She heard her mother sob into petunia again and started running. She had no idea where she was going but she had to go somewhere. She just had to get away. She had to get away from this hospital- it's blinding lights and white tile and stale smell. She had to get away from where her father was. Dead. the word sounded strange in her head. He was dead wasn't he? She would never see him smile again. Never hear him tell another bad joke or laugh at one of hers. He would never get to meet james or know lily had a boyfriend she was happy with. He would never be able to walk her down the aisle at her wedding or meet whatever children she had. He was simply gone.
Lily ran until she saw a supply closet with the door hanging open. She ducked inside quickly and shut it behind her. She took a minute, breathing hard and letting the tears fall freely. He was gone. Without a second thought she closed her eyes and apparated.
She felt the pressure squeezing her together, then felt it let go again. She opened her eyes and saw that hogsmeade was all around her. She was in front of the shrieking shack. People were still milling about, seeing as it wasn't very late yet. It was just turning dark around her. And cold too, for that matter. But lily hardly noticed.
She just turned towards the large castle and started walking. She knew it was a couple miles but it wasn't as if she had anything better to do.
People gave odd looks towards the girl with the still-damp hair and the muggle clothes. The girl with tears running down her face stumbling towards the castle as if it were her lifeline. She didn't know what was waiting for her there. She supposed she would find out. She just wandered wherever her feet took her.
…[...[]...]...
Who knows how much longer later lily found herself sitting in the middle of the quidditch pitch, staring up at the stars. If the universe was so big and she was just one little insignificant person then why did she matter? Why did all these bad things happen to her? Why did this hurt so fucking bad. Every time she thought she was done crying a different image of her father would appear in her head and she would begin to sob again. She missed him. He had only been dead for a few hours and she already missed him more than she could say. More than she could even fathom.
Sometime along the line she heard a familiar pop and knew someone had apparated next to her. She also knew it was james. He didn't say anything. He just sat next to her, pulled out a blanket and wrapped it around both their shoulders. Lily savored it's warmth. She hadn't even realized how cold she was until now. He also handed her a steaming cup of hot chocolate that she took, gladly. She didn't drink it. She just let it sit in her hands. After a long time of silence james said quietly
"I'm sorry, lily."
"He's gone, james." came her quiet response
"I know."
"I'll never see him again."
"I can't even imagine how that must feel."
"It's like… there's a big piece of me missing now that i never even knew i had before... It's like the cruciatus curse only five times worse. Ten times worse." hot tears began to slip out of her eyes again "i thought-" she hiccupped a sob "i thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me. The most- the most painful thing-" she gave a sad laugh "i had no idea."
James put an arm around her and pulled her closer to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and felt more tears fall.
"I need him, james." she sobbed openly "what will i do without him?"
"I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you'll get through this." he felt her shake her head "you will. You'll come out of it even stronger than you were before."
"I- i don't want to be stronger. I want my dad back." james just reached a hand up and began stroking her hair
"I know. I know." he whispered to her and soon her crying slowed. Then it stopped and james saw her face finally at peace. He knew it wouldn't last long. She would wake up and feel it all over again- a fresh wave of sorrow and misery and everything else bad you can possibly feel. But for now she was calm.