Erik's diary

21st February 1882

Yesterday, and part of today was the happiest day of my life so far.

Juti's Birthday d id go well, just as I planned. It was such a warm feeling for my otherwise cold heart to see her smile and cry of happiness about the gifts she received and the time we spent together. It is much easier to make a woman happy than I have thought before. All I thought was to give them expensive things, and spoil them to no end to bear my presence in return, but it turns out Juti is rather easily impressed, and for some reason, doesn't like to receive too expensive things in a row. What her problem is with them, I am not sure. I can easily afford it… what is wrong with that?

She asked me to sing for her through the mirror. I seriously dislike this game now, being constantly reminded of that shameful episode of my life, when I played with Christine's emotions. Strangely enough, I am now more likely to name my actions as they are: murder, blackmailing, lies… maybe is it a good thing…? So, the point which I want to get to: I was finally singing my own composition for her and… she adored it. Seeing the same passion in her eyes and a wide smile over her face as she was walking to the mirror as in Christine's, I knew I did it right. It finally worth it, as she was so happy… and so I was, because I made her happy.

It is official: I am in love. Officially, deeply, truly, more than anything else, I am in love.

Seems like God finally had mercy on me, as after I visited the church, I got what I asked for. No wonder. I prayed like a good child, I gave him my soul, or at least what is left of it, I accepted communion after four decades or so, and I prayed with enthusiasm, I meant what I said. I truly did.

When I prayed to him, I asked him to give me a sign, for I could see if it worth it to be good – for her. Does she love me that much she can accept such a monster by her side…forever? What is the use to be good for my own salvation, which is most likely down the drain by my earlier life, if she does not wish me as… her husband? And finally I received that sign! She stated she will love me forever and wishes me to be with her forever! Forever!

I know, I know. Our relationship has just started, I am in love, she seems to be in love, and I am happy. So is she. Good. But pink clouds never float around on the skies forever and Erik is not 10 years old any more to seriously believe everything was meant to be the perfect, the best as it is, on this world. Juti does seem to believe so though. Sometimes I am really clueless about how Juti can think with such an optimism.

At first, I just thought she simply did not go through the things I had gone through in these past 50 years which I call as my miserable life, so maybe she is just inexperienced, yet I had to realize that she was just as much bullied and tortured as I was, in a way. True, she wasn't tortured or no one wished to end her life, more or less drastically, as they did it to me many times. Yet she knows what I was going through. I noticed her insecurity, many times. She had been treated with disgust and other children were picking on her, for literally nothing. What the snots would have done if it was Erik going to school with them if they were able to do this to a perfectly normal looking girl? Her face is an inspiration for art to me. She is beautiful. I don't know half of the things that happened to her as she does not like to talk about them, understandably. School, and going to school is, partly a painful chapter in her life as I noticed. She does not like to talk much about her life before Secondary School, in which she chose a music themed class as the first priority. Until that her classmates treated her as the outsider for her unusual hobbies and eye disorders. She was beaten, chased, bullied and called names enough to know what it like is to be something else.

From the small details she had told me, she had been treated like shit from the age of 6 to 14. 8 years of constant terror at school, no wonder she turned out to be so insecure in her young age. Bulliyings got worse and worse for her throughout the years, she told me they were so insufferable in the end that she went to the bathroom before starting of the lessons before the first lesson every day before her friends arrived to school, just not to meet her abusers alone, and if her friends were missing, she spent all the breaks between classes hiding in the bathroom. I don't know what they exactly did to her, in details, though she mentioned it was both physical and mental abuse, they for sure, repeatedly hid or broke her glasses, and they washed hands when touched her, and one of the worst she mentioned to me was a boy burned her with a cigarette butt on the upper arm out of fun. She never really could protect herself. Due to her eye disorders she was always the weaker, as she was not able to do sports like the others, and when sometimes she finally hit back, she was always the one getting in trouble.

At least now I know why she thinks so little of herself. Being told you are nothing through a lifetime, or at least, the bigger part of your childhood, is enough to make you believe you really worth nothing. It was painful to hear how cruel kids can be to others, even though I did not have illusions about what would have happened to me if I was sent to school, as I yearned for in my early childhood. It was new though, that a pretty normal girl like her would be so badly abused.

And still, she is mostly optimistic, thinking positively. She doesn't even know how strong she is, mostly. Incredibily strong little fighter she is, dragging not only herself out of depression, which was understandable in her situation, but also, she drags Erik out of apathy and melancholy. When I met her I was unable to smile. I was waiting for death to finally come, abandoning and neglecting myself completely, accepting fate to come my way finally, thinking I have tasted all of the happiness the world can offer with Christine's last kiss. I did not wish her to get close to me at all, emotionally, as she was just a bother back then. Within time, slowly, getting to know her, she was able to make Erik smile, then laugh. Erik never laughed from his true heart without the aid of alcohol for… I think decades. And now I don't need to drink any more to be able to laugh, enjoy myself or get inspiration. It is all thanks to her. She made my life the better, the small angel. Turning me to the better person, and I am sure it is not the end yet.

There was a time when Erik could do the same, thinking positively in his youth, more or less, but he already gave up hope people could accept him and he wasn't sure any more it worths and repays to be good- not for myself and not for others. But now, that she stated she wanted me around… that she loved me and was able to see me handsome… It worths at least a try and Erik, maybe once in his life, is going to try hard.

Of course, I am not stupid.

I tried to take her statements with caution before, as maybe she did not know what she was talking about. Christine has tried her best to accept me, I know. It was a huge effort on her side, she was willing to try to accept my deformity and twisted mind. She succeeded, more or less, for 2 weeks. She did not wish to do it to fool me. I know she intended to accept me. It was just too hard for her, the poor girl, and I don't blame her. With a deformity and temper like mine, I thought there would not be a living woman on Earth to accept me – ever. And she made the biggest sacrifice to kiss me on the forehead after all I had done to her and her lover.

But… Juti is with me for 9 months already. Since last May, she had quite a bit of a preview of Erik's temper so far, and yet she does not want to leave me. She accepted and likes my face, which is still unbelievable for me, but she does. One can't pretend to like someone for so long, I am sure.

She already earned my trust, and she, for some reason, always trusted me. No matter what I did in the past, and do in the present, she thinks I am a good person. It is laughable. Yet I have to admit, I am trying.

I have to admit there were times I did not do something illegal or bad in these past months because I was ashamed of myself in front of Juti, if she gets to know about it, what she will say. I don't know when was the last time, for example, when I tripped some fool with my cane for the fun of it. If people are cruel to Erik, why would he be kind? What is the fun of swallowing the offenses without revans? But if she sees what I am capable of when I want to be mean, she will get disappointed in Erik… and… oh hurting her pure heart is something I can't do. I can't, after all she did to me. It is more than anything I had gotten from anyone before her: endless uconditional trust and love for months. I try to give her the same.

Now that I am needed and wanted by her, I am the happiest of men on Earth, and I now know it worths to be good for her. I will be a good man. I promise. And I need to make preparations. Proper ones. In some days, everything has to be ready for the proper time.

One thing which is still an obstacle, is the lack of her baptismal. I know she was fine without it for the last 29 years of her life, which is strange to me, but people think other way in modern times, and seemingly God's guidance is starting to be a bit of outdated there…? I am not saying she MUST be christened, I will marry her no matter what if she would say yes to me. It is just a wedding at the Madeleine would mean much to me. I am not sure how we can work it out but I am trying not to force anything she doesn't wish to do on her. I am fine with a civil wedding if she is not comfortable with a church one.

But…

How to propose? I have tried. Actually yesterday, and the day before yesterday, when walking home from church, I wished to ask her… to marry me. I always word the proper sentences in my mind but by the time I wish to say them out loud, they sound ridiculous, so I rather shut my face. And proposal, I do believe, needs a ring. The ring I have in my coat pocket still, is not suitable. A gentleman does not propose to two women with the same ring. I also have to admit I am a bit of superstitious about this issue so I think it brings bad luck if I ask her to marry me with a ring I got back from Christine.

And I am afraid of rejection, still… Though she just made me braver about the issue, and I most certainly wish to ask the question, and sure I won't propose her the way I did to Christine… oh my stupid mind.

At first: we need a ring. And I do know how to get rid of the ring I don't wish to use any more.

Juti's POV

I was so excited about the Masquerade coming. Usually I wasn't one to dance around mindlessly on parties, but dancing with Erik at the Opera's ball was something I could not miss, really. Erik did not seem to be so excited about it, though he informed me we will be present at it if I really wish to. He did not say anything else, only asked for my forgiveness in the morning of the ball and said he had some business to take care of and he was going to return in a few hours.

- Are you going to get me my costume or what? – I inquired.

- No. – He shook his head. – Sorry I have no time to run for a costume, be creative and pick something out to wear from the costumes. It is not a big deal.

- It is easy to say so when you have the Red Death costume. – I shrugged.

- Which I don't intend to wear. – He corrected as he put his shoes on. – I am not wearing the same costume twice. Just pick something out, no matter what.

- Okay. I will be working on my appearance until you return.

- Right. Be a good girl, I shall return as soon as possible. If you are hungry, please help yourself, I am not sure I will have time to prepare something.

As Erik left I started thinking about what to wear. I had no costumes to wear, but I could at least combine some of my clothes to be something. At first I thought to dress up as Mozart, but I had not such a wig, and it would be needed. And anyways, maybe I could go a step forward. Maybe, as Erik did not intend to wear the Red Death costume, could I?

It was stored in Erik's closet and I did not usually look through his stuff, but the costume always tickled my interest, so at least I could check it. Yes it was just in the Leroux book, with a red cape with embroidered "Ne me touches pas! Je suis Le Morte Rouge qui passe!" I always wondered that Erik, who wrote like a doctor, or as if I dipped Wolfy's claws in ink and then released him to run around on a piece of paper, how did he manage to embroider calligraphically beautiful and totally readable letters on something. The initials on our towels and handkerchiefs were beautiful, and so was this text. The costume, of course, just as I expected, fit Erik. It meant it was twice as long but half the width I'd have needed. The only pieces I could have used, as I saw were the hat, even though it did slip in my eyes sometimes, the robe, as it was wide, and maybe the shoes, but I wasn't sure. They were beautiful red shoes with golden shoe buckles, and I really loved how they looked like. I tried them on but I had to realize Erik had at least 5 sizes larger shoes than me, so I kept stepping out of them, no matter how I tried to take care of them not to slip them off. It would not help much if I stuffed them with newspapers, as I'd walk instabilly then and it is not a 100 percent working solution anyway. After some minutes when I got tired of stumbling around the room in Erik's shoes, I started to wonder what on Earth to dress up as… and suddenly the idea hit me.

It took some time to get it done, but at least the clothes needed I did own in my size, and when I dressed in them, I exactly looked like him. I had to "borrow" one of his hats though, as I did not own a fedora like hat (why he did not give me one yet was beyond me), and I still had Erik's one remaining black mask I put on when he was ill. I put it on again, and looked into the mirror. Fantastic. Well, I was, of course, shorter and fatter than him, but we could compensate it by something else. Time to practice!

Erik's diary

22nd February, '882

It was already late in the afternoon when I finally arrived home. I had been walking around, getting office and other work done. Things were starting to get in the desired path, yet I wasn't completely satisfied with the man I usually hired to create fake documents. I, of course did not tell him the real reason behind Juti's lack of documents, as the man would have just laughed in my face, understandably. I only informed him I needed documents for a girl who only knows her name, her heritage and birth date, but nothing else. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but at least he promised I was going to receive the documents in a week. Until that, I cannot really do anything else. Yet I started to look for the other things needed. I am not going to say anything for sure yet, as I am superstitious. If I say or write it down too early, maybe something bad happens….

I went to search for her. It was starting to be late and I guessed we should leave soon if she really wanted to see the Masquerade. I had not much urge to go, but well, let's do it for her… I called out to her a few times, but she seemed to listen to music on her phone yet again, not hearing me. I have warned her many times not to listen to it so loudly as he put it in her ears, as in 20 years she will turn as deaf as Beethoven.

Yet suddenly I heard something behind my back. I turned around to see what she was up to, and I noticed her…

She was wearing identical clothes to my usual attire, and yet again, my mask, and one of my hats.

- Are you serious? – I asked dryly.

She did not reply for a few seconds, but came closer, completely mimicking the way I walked.

- Very funny. – I sighed, showing her I was not really impressed by the idea.

She copied my gestures, showing around proudly how well she was able to impersonate me. I think now, she was just being silly, but at that moment I took it as mockery.

- Juti! – I rose my voice a bit to make her stop, but she just turned around and walked to me, next to the piano, asking:

- Yes? – I wasn't entirely sure by that one word only, but she sounded like my younger self a bit. She then continued: - Now, what do I look like, eh? Am I a good looking fellow, eh? – Yes, she was trying to imitate they way I spoke, the intonation, tried to make her voice deeper, and she leaned closer, letting out an annoying little laugh.

I was tired of that silly game and wished to inform her I wasn't going to take her to the ball if she doesn't change into something else, and to start the conversation I wished to remove that stupid mask of her face to be able to see her normally.

When I tore it off without a word though, I could not say a thing, as the sight which got in front of my eyes made me crazy with sudden rage and shock. She drew a deformity on her face, completely identical to mine. She darkened the skin around her eyes which made them look like sunken, and made her cheekbones optically more visible by darkening the area under them, and painted her nose black, so it will look non-existent from frontal view due to optical illusion.

It was the last drop in that said glass, and I lost my mind completely.

Juti's POV

When he removed the mask suddenly and saw I did even a make up, he suddenly got all furious. He screamed at me in a sudden fit of rage, in a voice I have never heard from him before. I knew already that again, I did mess up, but I literally froze at my place from sudden fright.

- How dare you?! – He yelled, on a voice I did not recognize as his, distorted from anger. – How the Hell dare you mock me?!

Mock… God he thinks I mocked him...?

- Erik, I…

- You, from all the people… YOU mock me like this…?

- Erik…

- SHUT UP! – He exploded, and in the next moment I felt his bony hand hit my face by full force.

By the force of the slap and it being so sudden I had no time to get ready for it, I lost my balance and fell, but the piano was too close to me. I fell face forward to the instrument and hit my mouth and nose against the edge of the closed lid and the carved ornate side of the instrument. Erik's hit was a forceful one and this caused me to meet the piano with a bigger force than what a simple fall againt it would cause.

I knelt on the floor next to the instrument, with blood starting to flow from either my mouth or nose or both, I suddenly had to spit, and saw a tooth in my palm, and it was hard to breathe with blood constantly running. I desperately jumped up to make the bleeding stop, and ran to the bathroom to rinse my mouth.