Chapter Thirty Six
A HUT BY THE SEA
In Which Tristan Scares Us
PREVIOUSLY ON "THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIK"
"I GOT AN IDEA!" said Fubuki, as Ryou's eye twitched.
RIGHT NOW ON "THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIK"
"I GOT AN IDEA!" said Fubuki, as Ryou's eye twitched.
"You don't need to repeat yourself…I heard you the first time…" said Ryou weakly.
"I GOT AN IDEA!" said Fubuki.
"Did you use your brain to think it up, or is this just an imitation of something stupid you saw on television?" asked Ryou.
"NO! MAYBE! SOMEWHAT! THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!" said Fubuki. "Why don't…WE FOLLOW ASUKA?"
"She told us to stay here, and when it's your opinion versus hers guess which one wins?" asked Ryou.
"TO WHEREVER ASUKA'S GOING!" cheered Fubuki.
"I really think we should stay here," said ASV. "WOW! I HAVE A LINE! IT'S BEEN FOREVER! OH MY GOD! I'M TALKING AGAIN! I-"
"Shut up!" Mobster said. "I agree with Fubuki! We cannot sit here and do nothing! We are needed! Asuka could be heading right to danger, and she just doesn't want us to get ourselves killed!"
"And you want us to get ourselves killed?" asked Ryou.
"YES!" chirped Mobster.
"Why don't you four go, and me and the others will stay here and try to find the happy chorus?" asked Double S. "When we find them, we'll just catch up with you."
"EXCELENT IDEA MY GOOD MAN!" said Mobster. "NOW THEN FRIENDS AND COMRADES! WE RIDE! TO WHEREVER ASUKA IS!"
"Oh no," said Ryou. "I didn't agree to any of this. You can go and get yourself killed possibly, in trouble without a doubt. You can never make me stoop to your level."
"NEVER SAY NEVER!" sung Fubuki, scooping up Ryou with one swish (A/N That sounded like a line from a very bad Fubuki/Ryou fic), and stuffed him under his arm like a huge football, and shooting off down the road in the direction that Asuka went, as Ryou was screaming very angry obscenities at the top of his lungs, Fubuki once again taking the best of him away.
"There goes a brave, brave pair of men…" said ASV.
"LET'S FOLLOW THEM AND WATCH THEM SCREW UP!" said Mobster.
---ooo---
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT ODION!" said Marik, proudly strutting about in the sparkly new uniform that he was wearing, which consisted of a starch-white dress shirt and black dress pants. "DO I NOT LOOK HOT IN THIS UNIFORM? The only thing is that I have to have the shirt buttoned-"
"Quiet Marik, I already have half a mind to break your neck," said Odion darkly, his uniform identical to Marik's. "I can't believe it. The job market's in shambles, you only have good looks and half of a kindergarten education on your resume, and yet we GET IN with the FANCIEST restaurant in town instantly!"
"You act like it's a bad thing!" said Marik.
"IT IS A BAD THING WHEN PEOPLE WITH HALF OF AN EDUCATION LIKE ME ARE STRUGGLING TO GET BY, AND IDIOTS LIKE YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO FINISH FIRST!" screamed Odion. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BEEPING APPLICATIONS I'VE SENT IN DURING MY EMPLOYMENT TO YOU? I COULD WALLPAPER BUCKINGHAM PALACE WITH THEM! AND WHENEVER YOUR PSYCHOTIC LITTLE WHIMSIES CAUSE YOU TO ENTER ONE, THEY ROLE OUT THE SMEGGING RED CARPET!"
Silence.
"HA HA! ODION'S BITTER!" sung Marik, pointing to him.
"Hello employees!" said a strawberry blonde-haired woman in a sing song voice, who's uniform was almost identical to Marik and Odion's, except it was relpalced with a knee-length black skirt. "My name's Sandy, and I sold my soul to minimum wage years ago! Welcome to 'Chez Moufette'! I'm going to be that one person who tells you how to do anything in this cleaned up, painted up dump that is no more than a façade to convince you that everyone here is happy and cheerful and ritzy, when in fact we're all just a bunch of bums who try our best to fake French Accents! YAYZ!"
"…I bet this place has the stupid 'two week notice' thing too…" said Odion.
"THIS WAY!" sung Sandy in a sing song voice, reaching into her shirt pocket to pull out a small pouch that was held together by a drawstring. With one pull, she tugged it open and pulled out a handful of sparkles, which she tossed in front of her with a flourish. The sparkles then seemed to materialize into a huge rainbow in front of her, which she happily hopped on and slid down like a giant kiddie slide.
"Wow…I hate this place already," said Odion, as Marik happily jumped on the rainbow slide and squeed like a little girl as he slid along it, Odion just following it on foot.
"Here's the front desk!" said Sandy, gracefully landing off the rainbow slide at the front desk, as Marik landed face first. "This is where we keep pencils, sticky notes, fancy pens, and this huge book that says 'Reservations' on it in great, big, sparkly letters. That's where are bunch of names are, so you open it up, say something polite in a ridiculous French accent, check off their name, and take them to a random table while pretending that you've been waiting for hours and hours for them to arrive!"
"What's that?" asked Marik, pointing to a little silver bell on the desk as Odion finally caught up by walking.
"That's the bell!" sung Sandy. "You see, sometimes when you want to feel particularly fancy, you bang the little thing on top of it, and it goes 'DIIIIING'!"
"Oooooooh…CAN I DING THE BELL?" asked Marik.
"No silly!" said Sandy. "Only people with training and experience will be worthy enough to ring the bell! It's a fact of life!"
"But I want to make the bell go 'DIIIIIING'!" said Marik.
"Then work you're hardest…believe in yourself…and with a little bit of magic, one day…you'll ring the bell…" said Sandy mystically.
"I'll ring the bell…" said Marik, his eyes growing to the size of huge, sparkly pizzas.
"Boy, the perks of this place are just dynamite," said Odion.
"And these are the tables!" said Sandy, walking a little ways behind the front desk. "Here we seat any person who hands us over money, and we must cater to their every whim, no mater how ridiculous and demeaning it is! And no matter how sick, nauseating, or frighteningly crass, lacking in personality, or evil-spirited our customers are, we need to treat them like they are the greatest people in the world!"
"And then I can ring the bell?" asked Marik.
"After you decide that there is nothing sacred in your life anymore!" sung Sandy.
"THEN I can ring the bell and make it go 'DIIIIIIING'?" asked Marik.
"Of course!" said Sandy. "When your body is a souless shell, you can ring the bell whenever your heart desires!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" sung Marik.
"It's almost like you're born for minimum wage Marik," commented Odion. "You notice that I'm needing all my willpower to hold myself back from strangling myself with this towel."
"And that…is the door…" said Sandy dramitaclly, pointing to the door that had 'Employees Only' printed on it. "Oh yes…this is your reward for joining our prestigious corp. You…can go behind the door. The big door which, as a customer, you always wondered what's behind…NOW YOU MAY KNOW THE TRUTH!"
"THE TRUTH!" sung Marik.
"YES! IT IS TIME TO SEE WHAT LIES BEHIND THE DOOR!" said Sandy, throwing open the door with a huge flourish, as she threw the door open to reveal…a kitchen.
"ENLIGHTENMENT AT LAST!" cried Marik.
"I know I've said it a thousand times, and as much as I hate to risk sounding insincere, Marik, you are a mad little idiot," said Odion.
"Now then…a thousand more secrets have yet to be revealed of the dark and divine practices of minimum wage, so Marik…Odion…are you ready to tap into it's great power?" asked Sandy.
"YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH!" screamed Marik.
"Sure…whatever…" muttered Odion.
"FANTASTIC!" cried Sandy. "Now Marik…with your massive amount of enthusiasm, smexy chest, and tiny brain…I think you'd be an excellent waiter!"
"I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A WALRUS!" said Marik.
"Waiter idiot, she said waiter," said Odion.
"I WAIT FOR NOTHING!" said Marik. "Live for the moment, that's what I say! Eat, drink, and be merry, because the next day, you could be laying face down it a ditch stripped to your underwear with 'I Love Kitties and Other Girly Things' written on your back in permanent marker!"
"…what?" asked Odion.
"GOOD!" said Sandy. "And Odion…well, no offense, but with your free-thinking mind, you need to be beaten into a mental state of subservance so we can press our ideals onto your scrawny form and you will have little or no willpower to stop us! So I'm thinking sad and emotionally demeaning jobs for you!"
"Such as?" Odion asked.
---ooo---
"Busboy…fudging…busboy…" muttered Odion darkly, wheeling around a huge tray of large bolders as part of 'employee training'.
"And when your done wheeling those rocks to the kitchen, I want you to wheel them back and place one on every table!" said Sandy in a sing-song voice.
"Actually…the technical term is 'boulders' said Odion.
"That attitude screams '20 more pounds'!" said Sandy in a sing-song voice.
"Words cannot describe how much I hate your entire existence…" said Odion darkly.
---ooo---
"THANK YOU FOR FINDING ME AND WALKING ME HOME SETA-NEE!" said Azusa, standing outside the doorway to Kaiba Mansion and waving to Seta, who continued to bounce away with Ka'aewu. "When my backup core finally fired up and I was stranded and alone, I didn't know what I was going to do!"
Her only reply was a fresh scream of pain from Ka'aewu.
"Silly rabbit-san!" she said to herself, walking into the mansion. "NII-SAAAAN! WHERE ARE YOU? I'M HOME! NII-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
"Oh, so you found you way home Azusa?" asked Mokuba, walking up to her in the main hallway. "I'm glad. It's after you don't come home for five hours when I start to get worried, though I must admit, you were pushing the limits."
"I'm so sorry Mokuba-chan," said Azusa. "I was just kidnapped by a bunch of really scary people, and so my back-up system drive needed to reboot, and then I needed to find my way through a bunch of scary secret passages in the school, and then I got really hungry, so I needed to stop to eat something, and then someone was staring at me, so I had to beat him up, and then I found Nee-san, so I talked to her a little while, and then I walked home!"
"...scary people?" asked Mokuba.
"Yeah!" said Azusa. "With great big pencils!"
"…I so didn't need to hear that," said Mokuba.
"Mokuba-chan, where's Seto-nii?" asked Azusa. "I need to hit him for not bothering to come look for me when I was in standby mode."
"Ah, he's upstairs being all angsty about his upcoming date," said Mokuba.
---ooo---
"…but…but what if she's just seeing this as a good opportunity to dump me?" asked Seto, his back on the bed as his mind was turning into a whirpool of teenage doubt and hormones, as his soul was slowly being conquered by his fears, transforming him into a nauseating angst-bucket. "She is, isn't she? Oh…why can't girls just come out and say what they're thinking…they have to play those stupid games…what do I say if she does? What about the goodnight kiss and…AAAAAAAAARGH! THE KISS! THE-AAAAARGH!"
---ooo---
"Uwaaaaaaaaaaah? Nii-san has a date?" asked Azusa.
"Yeah, with some red haired chick that he barely knows…and that's how it starts…who knows? Maybe next week he'll bring her and a couple blonds home for dinner…" said Mokuba. "Then he's going to turn into those Hollywood gits and choke on his own vomit…"
"That's so romantic!" said Azusa happily. "Oh, I'm so happy for Nii-san! I'm so happy, I'll wait until he gets home before beating him senseless with a mop!"
"What respectable robotic younger sibling would do more?" asked Mokuba.
Silence.
"So when's he gonna pick her up?" asked Azusa.
"Probably when he stops throwing up from nerves every few seconds," said Mokuba.
Silence.
"Hey, wanna go watch all the 'House' episodes Seto tapped?" asked Mokuba.
"YAY!" said Azusa.
---ooo---
"Thank you for driving me to Tea's house Joey!" said Yugi, as he and Joey were walking up to the doorway to Tea's house. Yugi was dressing up in his oh-so-fancy tux, complete with built in stilts, so now he was almost as tall as Joey.
"I drove you here?" asked Joey.
"Yeah! You agreed to drive me to Tea's house since I'm not legally tall enough to get behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle!" said Yugi. "Not even with the built-in stilts…"
"I did?" asked Joey.
"Yeah!" said Yugi. "Don't you remember?"
"I can drive?" Joey asked.
"…yes?" said Yugi.
"Who are you again?" Joey asked.
Silence.
"Uh, Joey, have they been painting your house with lead paint again?" asked Yugi.
"I live in a house?" asked Joey. "Whoa…I thought that I lived in a small hut on the sea, where I spent my days farming fish and luxury sedans on the fertile planes, where wild geese roam in such numbers that they all form neat little lines outside your house, come in, eat breakfast with you, and even bring super shiny rocks and toilet paper. And then, every morn, we and the geese and the trout, and Jacky Kennedy would all line up and sing praise to the day, alight with the promise of fun, laughs, and a whole lot of hot women in bikinis…yes, this was the ways of the fish and car farmers of the misty shores…and that's just about the same time I stopped wearing underwear!"
Silence.
"Joey…just stay there…I need to go and get Mr. Sedative…" said Yugi, backing off, not wanting to expose his back to Joey.
"BUT IT'S TRUE!" said Joey. "HOW CAN YOU DENY THE HAPPINESS WE FELT ON THAT SHORE, HAND IN WING, WITH COD STUFFED IN OUR MOUTHS-"
"Hi Yugi!" said Tea, walking out in a black, sleeveless dress and high heels, with a tiny bit of makeup on, and her hair extra smooth and shiny for the occasion. "You look really good with the built in…okay, Joey's ranting. This is a bad sign."
"It's okay Tea!" said Joey. "I'm merely telling Yugi about my exciting adventures among the wind-swept plains of the sea!"
"Oh…that's…nice…" said Tea awkwardly. "Well, Yugi and I better get going then. Have a good night Joey."
"Okay!" said Joey, as Tea and Yugi began their moonlight walk towards the restaurant.
"So anyway, I'm really glad that you're not mad anymore Tea," said Yugi.
"Ah, sometimes I forget that nothing in my life makes sense," said Tea. "When I try to make sense of it…bad things tend to happen. Oh well…"
"YEAH, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!" said Joey, following them with a goofy look on his face. Awkwardly, Tea stopped walking, causing Yugi to stop walking, causing Joey to bump into Yugi.
There was an awkward pause.
"Um…Joey?" asked Tea.
"Yuppers?" asked Joey.
"Shouldn't you…head back to your car?" asked Tea.
"OH! YOU GUYS WANT ANOTHER RIDE?" asked Joey.
"No Joey…" said Tea. "We're going to dinner and…well…usually…the driver goes home, and then comes back to pick us up…"
"I…don't get to come?" asked Joey.
"Joey…it's not that we don't want you…well, we do actually, but…ah…I mean…" said Yugi.
"Beat it," said Tea flatly.
"YOU PEOPLE ARE JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERKS!" yelled Joey angrily, running away from the both of them in tears.
---ooo---
"Well…here I go…" said Seto, standing outside the door, wearing a somewhat nicer trench coat than usual. "Gotta make a good first impression…I am not going to screw up…not at all…"
Silence.
"Good night kiss!" Mokuba called from the other room.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"I live for that scream…" Mokuba said to himself.
"Laurie-sama has the best American accent ever!" squeed Azusa-chan.
---ooo---
"I HATE EVERYTHING!" yelled Joey, sitting on the corner, screaming at the top of his lungs in angst-filled rage. "EVERYTHIGN AND ANYTHING! I HATE EVERYONE! SO UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE, YOU BETTER JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!"
"Hey Joey!" said Tristan, walking up to the corner.
"Oh, hey Tristan," said Joey flatly. "I'M MAD!"
"ME TOO! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!" said Tristan.
"WHY?" yelled Joey.
"I DON'T KNOW! FOR SOME REASON, MY LIFE AND EMOTIONS REVOLVE AROUND YOU!" yelled Tristan. "Probably because in reality, I'm actually your nobody and am tied completely to your soul, and thus am bound by every single one of your emotions!"
Silence.
"COOL!" said Joey.
"Anyway," said Tristan, "what's the matter Joe? You looked like you inhaled paint fumes again!"
"I did," said Joey. "BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! I'm mad, because Tea and Yugi are going out to dinner for Tea's birthday, AND THEY SAID I CAN'T COME! I WANNA COME TO DINNER! Is that so much to ask?"
"Well, it's kind of a date Joey," said Tristan. "Usually, it's just a two-person thing."
"WELL I WANNA GO ON A DATE!" said Joey.
"Do you know any girls other than Tea?" asked Tristan.
Silence.
"Neither do I…" Tristan said sadly.
"OH! WAIT! MAI'S A GIRL!" said Joey. "We'll ask her!"
"We have no clue where she lives…" said Tristan.
"Uh…SERENITY THEN!" said Joey.
"First, ew man, she's your sister," said Tristan. "Two, isn't she still in the hospital?"
"How do you know that?" asked Joey.
"…no reason?" Tristan said.
"THEN WE'RE STUCK!" cried Joey in horror.
"WAIT!" said Tristan. "I've got an idea…they say when times are tough, and real girls are hard to find…fake girls are just fine!"
"Whoa like…robots?" asked Joey.
"Nope," said Tristan. "I mean…the drag special!"
"The what?" asked Joey.
---ooo---
"WOW TRISTAN!" said Joey, as he walked down the road with Tristan arm in arm. "You're such a convincing girl that it's frightening!"
"Yeah," said Tristan, dressed in a flowery pink dress, with an excessive amount of makeup on, a blonde wig, and just a glimpse of hair legs clumsily stuffed into designer pink high healed shoes. "I knew that inflatable bra I stole from the girl's locker room would come in handy one day…"
---ooo---
"So…are the preperations for tonights ceremony complete?" asked Leon to one of the few pencil-cult servants that remained.
"Yes my lord," said the cult guy in red robes, bowing until his nose was scrapping against the floor. "Soon…very soon…you will rule this earth."
"EXCELENT!" said Leon. "Once this phase is complete, my vast army shall-"
"M'lord?" asked the servant.
"Yes?" asked Leon.
"You do realize that almost all of our operatives were beaten up and annihilated during the process of conquering the school, right?" said the cult member.
"Oh, like one or two," said Leon.
"Actually, the total number of troops we have left is…thirty seven," said the cult member. "That's also counting the catering lady."
"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "Once this plan is put into motion, all of our troops shall revive, and we shall have the power to take down the world, even with our miniscule numbers!"
"Very miniscule," said the member.
"SHUT UP! OR I'LL BOP OUR NUMBERS DOWN TO THIRTY SIX!" yelled Leon. "Begin the final preparations…this…is the beginning of the end…"
---ooo---
Next time…the reuniting of the Doom Bikers! A new plan! Restaurant antics! More crossdressing! BIANCA! See you then!