Chapter 34: My Best Friend
Date: Early September +o+ Baby is 11 months old
^^ Two Weeks Later ^^
*Tris POV*
As my breathing steadies, I realize that I am no longer crying. I have been lying on my couch for many hours, wallowing in despair. I sit up and experience a head rush, suddenly feeling dizzy and weak. I had dropped my purse on the floor at my feet when I got home, and now I reach down and grab my cell phone from it.
I'm shocked. It's only 11:30 PM, and roughly two hours have passed since Tobias gave me his ultimatum.
Two hours since I walked away from him — walked away from the man I love.
How did tonight turn into something so ugly? Andy is spending the night with Evelyn. Tobias and I needed a night to be alone, a night to be two young people in love, a night for passion. We have worked so hard the last two weeks to get past my mistakes and all the secrets I kept from him. Tobias even accepted responsibility for his role in the events that led me to feel the need to be closed off in order to protect myself.
Both of us attended my therapy sessions with Claire and worked so hard to push past our hurts and insecurities. We knew we both wanted to work together to move forward, to love each other, and to be a family with our son.
Tonight was supposed to be so romantic. I look over at the lingerie bag that is sitting on my bed. I had planned to ask Tobias to wait ten minutes in the lobby before coming up. I wanted time to quickly change and light the candles I had set up before meeting him for our romantic dinner.
Tonight was going so well — until it wasn't.
The fight started small, over almost nothing, but then it escalated so quickly. I squeeze my eyes shut, remembering his harsh words, the coldness in his voice as we argued on the sidewalk just outside of the restaurant.
+++o+++ The Big Fight +++o+++
"Enough is enough, Tris! I'm not asking anymore. I am telling you: you either move back in with me and we live together as a couple or we are done! In fact, since Andy is at Evelyn's, we can pack you up and move your things tonight!" Tobias says forcibly; his eyes are cold. "I can't take much more of this crap!"
I step backwards, putting space between us. I am shocked he's saying these things. I don't care how much alcohol he has had, it's not an excuse for how irrational he is being. We've been working so hard to get past these issues, and now this?!
I get angry.
"Excuse me?! How dare you give me an ultimatum, I will not be bullied by you!" I glare at him shaking my head in disgust. "This conversation is over; I think we should stop before we say things we'll regret. Goodnight, Tobias!"
Tobias shakes with rage, suddenly raising his fist at me. My eyes widen; I am partly confused and partly terrified he would even think to strike me in anger.
Our eyes lock and I watch as the realization of what he is doing hits him. He instantly stops and takes a step backwards.
Shaking his head with disgust, he says, "I never in a million years want to be the kind of man my father was. You have the power to make me that angry. We aren't good for each other, Tris. Not if I can react that way to you. You've pushed me too far. We are done."
Panic hits me; I'm more afraid now than when he raised his fist at me.
"No! Tobias, please, I know you'd never hit me. We are just having a rough patch. We can work through this, we just need to try!" I cry frantically. "We are not over, I won't accept that!"
Tobias closes his eyes and breathes in and out. I expect him to be calmer, assuming he's trying to get control of himself.
I am wrong.
His eyes snap open, and all I see is hate and disappointment. "Just stop talking, Tris. Even listening to you now is making me sick. You sound just like Evelyn used to. You need to find some self-respect and self-confidence."
A chill runs down my spine, and I quickly turn on my heel and begin walking away. I know we just need to calm down, and then things will be fine. This is the alcohol talking, it has to be. I wonder if I could convince Claire to see us for an emergency session tomorrow, even though it's a Saturday.
"Tris," he says, his voice so cold and calm.
I stop walking and turn to him. His eyes are blazing mad. "We are over. We are done. Congratulations. You win. You have repeatedly refused to live with me, and now you have finally pushed me away for the last time. I won't keep chasing after you."
I'm stunned, and so hurt. I bite my lip to stop it from trembling.
Just like that. He's done?
In my fog of pain, I open my mouth to spew the first stupid thing that pops into my head.
"No, congratulations to you! Now you can go find Christina, let her have a go on the new sheets that I picked out this time!" I scream loudly as the tears begin falling down my face. I don't mean it.
Of course I don't mean it.
But I say it anyway.
"She's not your best friend anymore, so it's not a big deal if I do. Maybe I will call her, although she actually has a decent amount of self-respect. I'm not sure if she will take me back," he says matter-of-factly, intently watching for my reaction.
I gasp at his implication: Christina respects herself, while I don't.
I turn and quickly walk away down the street, getting as far away from him as swiftly as I can.
He doesn't follow, only calling out one last time, "You chose this, Tris. We are over, and it's all because of you."
I keep walking.
+++o+++ Flashback End +++o+++
Remembering our breakup, I'm overcome by a new wave of sadness that hits me. I am also so bitter. Tonight was supposed to be special, romantic even.
I lay back down on the couch and sob. My shoulders are shaking — the pain is unbearable.
knock
knock
The loud knocks at my front door startle me. I sit up and let out a cry of relief: he came! I run to the door and swing it open, ready to talk to Tobias and work through this. I hate fighting like this. It is so ugly.
"Zeke," I say tonelessly, instantly disappointed at seeing he is not Tobias.
Zeke looks frazzled, running his hand through his hair. He is wearing his policeman uniform, and I now remember Tobias telling me that Zeke is on nights this week.
"Tris, I only came by to make sure that you were…okay? Um, nothing happened with Four, right?" Zeke asks cautiously. I notice he seems to be looking me over, as though he is checking to make sure I am not hurt in some way.
"What's going on, Zeke?" I ask nervously. I am starting to get worried about Tobias. I hope he hasn't done something stupid.
Zeke sighs and shakes his head. Once he sees that I am indeed fine, he relaxes.
"It's nothing. Forget it. I just wanted to come by and make sure you were okay," Zeke answers me.
I hold the door open and motion for Zeke to enter. I know there is more to this story.
As I am getting Zeke a glass of water, he begins to explain.
"Four called me, he was so drunk and so damned angry." Zeke frowns while accepting the glass of water I hand him. "I've never heard him like this. He sounded crazed. It was a very slow night at work, so I was able to clock out early, and I convinced Four to tell me which bar he was at."
Zeke coughs to clear his throat. "Four told me you guys are done. I'm really sorry for both of you, Tris."
Any calm I had been projecting is instantly gone; knowing he told Zeke is like a knife in my heart. I know Tobias. If he had any hope for us reconciling, he wouldn't have admitted it out loud. Not to anyone.
I begin sobbing hysterically, sitting on the couch and holding my face in my hands.
Zeke sits next to me and warily puts an arm around me as I cry. At one point, he offers me a sip from the water I had served to him.
"Tris. I know this is hard. But you need to settle down. Please. You have a little dude that counts on you and Four. You have to be calm, things will be hard, but—" Zeke says softly.
"But what, Zeke?!" I snap, suddenly feeling angry and hurt — not necessarily at him, but he's here for me to be mad at.
"What? One day I won't care? One day I won't feel like I am garbage? One day he will have some great love with someone else and I'll be happy for him?" I hiss bitterly.
Zeke looks at me sadly, not with pity, but with a pain that reflects his own situation. He has a small frown on his face.
"One day, enough time will pass that you will be able to feel like you again. That you are amazing exactly as you are. You are someone who deserves to be happy, and to feel secure and safe." Zeke pauses to breathe. "You feeling all of those things shouldn't be dependent on Four. Not on Four, nor on any man."
We lock eyes as I replay his kind words in my head. I know he's right, but I'm still in pain. I still feel sad. And then I remember that Zeke also knows about loss.
"Are you speaking from personal experience, Zeke?" I whisper slowly as he turns away from me. I wonder if he is crying himself.
"It's been many weeks since Shauna and I called it quits. It was also months before then that we were both really unhappy," Zeke shares with me. "What I want to say is that it's only recently that I'm starting to really feel over her. It just takes time."
Zeke wipes away the new tears that have fallen down my cheeks. "Tris, are you crying because you feel sorry for me, or are we back on you and Four again?"
We both laugh. I have always appreciated how good Zeke is at making someone laugh when they are at their lowest point. He has a very big heart.
"Andy's with Evelyn for the night. Did you get Four home before you came to check on me?" I ask Zeke.
I see a look of guilt flash across his face before he looks away from me again. The hairs on the back of my neck instantly rise. I remember the last words Tobias and I shouted at each other as we fought on the street.
"Are you kidding me?! Is Tobias already with Christina again?" I yell angrily.
Zeke scoffs at me and rolls his eyes. "Tris, what is your deal? Why can't you accept that Four doesn't give a fuck about Christina?!"
I lower my head in shame. I know Zeke's right. Tobias's past with Christina, because she was my best friend, is something I still struggle with today.
But then I remember Zeke's face. There is something he is not telling me.
"If not Christina, then who?" I ask softly. "Please be honest with me, Zeke. Please."
Zeke nods reluctantly. "When I arrived at the bar, I was sure I was going to find Four in the middle of some kind of bar brawl, given how drunk and angry he was when he called my cell phone. That's one of the reasons I just had to see that you were okay with my own eyes. I see a lot of domestic violence issues in my line of work."
Frowning, I wait quietly for him to continue.
"When I got there, he was sitting in a booth with some girl, and they…" Zeke grimaces, not wanting to continue.
"Tell me. I need to know," I beg.
"Tris, they were making out heavily. I knew he had been drinking, I tried to break it up, but he was determined to act the fool." Zeke looks annoyed as he remembers the situation. "They basically told me to get lost, so after a few attempts to get Four out of her arms while they continued to hook up right in front of me, I made the mistake of physically trying to pull him out of the booth."
I cringe. Zeke suddenly looks angry as he remembers something.
"That was the wrong move on my part! Four almost broke my nose when he whacked me in the face, trying to get me to let go. At the same time, the tramp was screaming obscenities at me. Then she threw her beer at my face and it got all over my off duty jacket I was wearing. That bitch!" Zeke snaps grumpily. "Four was such an asshole. They both laughed at me before they resumed sucking face and groping each other. I just left."
I nod my head calmly. "Thank you for being honest, Zeke."
And then I lose it again and start weeping. I guess I was easily replaceable after all. I am so hurt.
"Tris, I'm sorry," Zeke says sadly while putting his arms around me in comfort. I lean closer to him for support.
I look up just as he looks down, and suddenly our lips are touching. I am shocked by the sudden butterflies in my chest. I close my eyes as he deepens the kiss, and turn my head as our tongues begin moving together.
After several minutes of kissing passionately, we are both startled when our teeth accidentally click together. It ruins the moment, and we simultaneously jump apart with horrified looks on our faces.
"Shit," Zeke mutters while rubbing the back of his neck and looking worried.
My mind is racing. I touch my lips, which are still tingling. Zeke's eyes immediately follow my fingertips, and he gulps loudly.
Tobias is the only man I have ever been with. I always believed we would be it for each other. But now? Christina, James, some random girl at a bar tonight — we clearly aren't on that path anymore.
Tobias and I aren't on any path. We are over.
We broke up.
"Tris, what are you thinking about?" Zeke asks hoarsely.
Our eyes meet as I blurt out, "That Tobias is the only man I've ever been with. But we are over now."
"Oh," Zeke mumbles as he fidgets on the couch nervously.
My eyes slide downward and I notice his huge bulge as he shifts to get comfortable, placing a sofa cushion on his lap to hide it.
"So, you and Wilton… I mean, you really never?" He sounds so surprised.
I don't answer Zeke. I'm too preoccupied thinking about his huge erection. My pulse is racing, and I suddenly feel very fidgety and nervous.
Why am I so turned on right now?
Maybe it's because Zeke is so nice, and so open. Things with him are just so easy, and he makes me laugh. We've gotten closer recently, too.
Shit. Zeke, of all people?! I couldn't!
"Tris," Zeke whispers while leaning closer to me and pushing my hair behind my ear. "May I kiss you? For real this time? A kiss because we both want to, to see if I didn't just imagine what I felt before."
I don't think, I just allow myself to enjoy this moment. I pull Zeke towards me as our lips crash together. I am burning with desire for him. He groans loudly while pulling me onto his lap, situating me so that I am straddling him.
We break apart, our foreheads touching as we both fight to calm our breathing.
"Tris, I want you, so badly," Zeke groans as he slowly bucks his hips under me so that I can feel his erection pressing against my core.
My head falls back as I groan loudly and begin rubbing myself against him. I whimper as his hands grab my hips and he controls the tempo of the friction by controlling me. Zeke runs his tongue down my neck, starting at my jaw and slowly ending at the top of my cleavage.
Our eyes meet as we begin frantically undressing the other. I smile at how sexy he looks in his police uniform before I rip it off of him piece by piece.
"Do you have a condom with you?" I ask hopefully. I had the birth control shot, but I prefer we take the extra precaution.
"Yeah, in my wallet," he answers, sliding the wallet out of his pants and placing it on the end table next to my couch.
We resume kissing frantically as we move to lie on the couch, me under him. Both of us are being driven by lust and passion. I can feel how wet my panties are getting. I am so ready for him.
I learn instantly that Zeke is a very experienced man. He knows exactly how to touch me, where to squeeze me, and I find myself getting lost in a sea of arousal.
Wow, he really knows what he's doing.
Zeke nibbles on my earlobe while his fingers slip into my underwear. I buck my hips towards his fingers as he suddenly strokes my core.
"Shit, Tris! You're already so wet for me. I haven't even touched you yet," Zeke hisses in my ear as his fingers begin strumming me skillfully.
Tobias loved that - how quickly I'd be ready for him.
No, stop it! Forget about him.
All thoughts leave my head as my body tightens with my first orgasm. I come around Zeke's talented fingers.
As I am recovering from my high, I hear Zeke ripping open the foil packet.
"Tris, I want you so badly. I just need to be sure you are okay with this," Zeke says firmly as I watch him expertly roll the condom down his shaft. "This moment is just about us, no one else."
"Yes, I want you, too. As long as we never tell anyone about this. Okay?" I moan as he rubs the head of his dick against my sex.
"Agreed, Tris. Puts your arms around me and hold on, I need to be inside of you!" Zeke commands as he pulls my knees up, effectively opening me to him as pushes inside of me with one swift stroke.
I gasp loudly, cringing with discomfort for a moment as my body stretches to accommodate him. Zeke thrusts in and out for three quick strokes while groaning loudly.
"Tris, am I hurting you? Is something wrong?" Zeke whispers while kissing my shoulder softly. I can feel myself tightly pulsing around him.
How should I answer that?
'You see, Zeke, your dick is significantly larger than Tobias's, so I'm stretching in a way I never have before.'
Obviously, I would never say that out loud.
"I'm good, um, please go slow," I ask softly watching Zeke smile with relief before he kisses me.
He begins stroking in and out of me as we hold each other. Moments later, I am accustomed to his size as the intense pleasure takes over.
I am groaning and panting as I begin rocking my hips to meet each of his thrusts. I'm feeling things I've never felt before. We are both lost in each other's arms as we collide again and again.
Zeke and I come at the same time; I scream and scratch down his back. I lie on the couch and know that Zeke just gave me the best sex I've ever had.
Ever. Holy shit.
I know I will never tell Zeke this, out of a sense of loyalty to Tobias.
As we lie quietly in each other's arms, I sigh and bury my face in Zeke's neck and relax. I close my eyes and rest and catch my breath.
I feel terrible. I can't believe I just had sex with Tobias's closest friend. For a moment, the feeling of guilt makes my stomach roll painfully. And then I remember that Tobias didn't have any issue screwing my best friend. I doubt that after a round with Christina he even gave me a second thought.
So, who cares?
My thoughts are interrupted as Zeke's lips find my nipple, lavishing attention with his tongue. My clit immediately feels the zing of pleasure.
Oh, oh, oh my.
"Tris, can we go again?" Zeke says while switching to my other breast. "I'd love to show you my handcuffs; I saw you eyeing them as you ripped my uniform off of me," he adds with a chuckle.
"Yes, Zeke," I agree before saying, "But you'll be the one wearing the cuffs."
+++o+++ +++o+++ +++o+++
+++o+++ +++o+++
+++o+++
^^ Tobias POV ^^
I bolt upright in my bed, gasping desperately. As I fight to breathe, I'm covered in sweat and my body shakes uncontrollably.
Disoriented, I look around my dark apartment — my bed is empty. No Tris.
Bile rises, and I stumble frantically to the bathroom. Emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet, I simultaneously shut the door with my foot. Andy is asleep in his crib, and I don't want to wake him with my loud, violent hacking.
After throwing up, I lie on the bathroom floor, the cold tile helping to calm me. My heart is pounding a mile a minute, and my ears are ringing.
Oh, God! Calm down. Calm the fuck down. It was just a dream. It's not real.
It's not real.
That was the most realistic nightmare I've ever had in my life, right up there with my old dreams about Tris dying.
Once I'm calm enough to get up, I quickly check on the baby. Thankfully, my nightmare didn't wake him, and he's still sleeping peacefully.
Sighing, I return to my empty bed. I must have been thrashing while I slept, because the sheets and comforter are a tangle of knots. Realizing my sheets are drenched with sweat, I decide to remake the bed completely.
While grabbing new sheets from the linen closet, I remember how realistic the dream was in regard to what is actually going on in our lives. I also think about all of the things in the dream that were not real. Horrible things.
Not real — the horrific breakup where I acted deranged. Not real — me hooking up with some random chick at a bar. And, especially not real — my best friend fucking Tris's brains out.
Ugh. Zeke's huge dick was a nice touch to my nightmare. What the hell is wrong with me?
What was realistic in the dream is how hard we've been working the last two weeks in the aftermath of our fight over the James Wilton Trust Fund and Matthew's inappropriate behavior.
Zeke has pretty much cut ties with the rest of the group and has been spending a lot of time with Tris and me, at least when he isn't working crazy hours. Tris and Zeke met for burgers at lunch yesterday. I had been invited, but I couldn't get away from the office.
I trust them both, I know there is nothing going on. But that doesn't make tonight's awful dream any less painful.
I look at my clock and see it is 3:30 AM. Groaning with guilt, I pick up my cell and dial Tris. After that dream, I need to hear her voice. I need to hear from her that we are okay.
I hate being away from her.
++o+ Phone Call +o++
Tris: Tobias? Are you and Andy okay?!
Tobias: Babe, we're fine. I'm sorry to call you so late, but…
long pause
Tris: Tobias, what is it? You're scaring me. Are you sure you're okay?
Tobias: I just needed to hear your voice. I had a terrible dream, and it really messed me up. It's selfish of me to call you. I knew I'd be waking you up. I'm sorry.
Tris: I'm glad you called me. I always want you to be able to turn to me. You're sure Andy is okay? Can you check on him for me?
I walk to the crib; our baby is still asleep
Tobias: He's sleeping soundly. I'm looking at him right now. Andy's perfect. No matter what happens, Andy is the one thing that we have done perfectly.
Tris: Thank you for checking. Um…are we okay? Are you upset with me? Your voice sounds funny. I know things have been hard for us for a long time, but especially the last couple of weeks. I know I let you down by keeping things from you, and I still feel terrible about it.
Tobias: Tris. Come on, baby. We've both made mistakes, but what matters is that we are working through it all. You and me, we're alright. Okay?
Tris: Okay. Thank you for saying it.
Tobias: I know it's a weird work schedule thing, but it's killing me that we haven't seen each other in three full days. Taking turns dropping off and picking up Andy from daycare without getting to see each other, well…I don't want this to become our normal. I need you in my life, Tris.
Tris: I love you both, so much. I'm so tired, but since you have Andy, do you want me to come to you? You still sound freaked out. And I miss you, too.
Tobias: No, it's okay. I'd prefer that you stay safe and in your apartment. Instead, how about a lunch date tomorrow? Just the two of us? I need to see you.
Tris: Sounds perfect.
++o+ Phone Call End +o++
I lie down to try to sleep, thinking over our last two weeks. Tris and I have been so dedicated to working with her therapist, Claire, to get past what I originally interpreted as spiteful deceit. We also have been working through the uncomfortable situation with our group of friends and Christina, specifically my poor choices that hurt our relationship.
Even during the one day that I took to be alone and stew in my anger over her secrets, I knew that my heart still belonged to Tris. What really scared me was the thought that we might never be able to actually be happy together. The possibility that we may not work things out — despite loving each other so much — crushed me.
Tris sent me a single text the night I confronted her in the lobby of her work:
I'm sorry. I know I'm not an easy person to be with. No matter what happens next, I do love you. Always.
I knew in that moment I would always love her, too. I texted her back right away:
Tris, I need some time to think. Please know that I love you as well. I'll contact you soon.
The next morning I got a call from Cara's aunt, who was working her way down the guest list, telling me that Cara and Matthew's wedding was off. Indefinitely. Neither Zeke nor I have heard any other details. As long as Matthew stays away from Tris, it doesn't really matter.
I lasted less than twenty-four hours before calling Tris. We agreed to meet the next day with her therapist so that she could facilitate our conversation.
It was the best thing we could have done. The moment I learned that Tris had planned to talk to me about James's Trust Fund but was grappling with being emotionally ready, I let my anger go. I wasn't pleased with how long it was taking her, but I also accepted her vulnerabilities and had vowed to support her as she worked with her therapist.
She was struggling, and she was in therapy trying to better herself. For her, and for us.
She even admitted that she had never planned to talk to anyone about Matthew. He and Cara were people she had written off. I was more upset about that, but I also understood her reasoning. I did point out that her omission left me looking like a fool. Had she told me what he'd done, I would never have continued to be friends with a man that had tried to break up my family. Tris hadn't thought of that, and immediately saw my side of it. She apologized, and I forgave her on the spot.
What took us a couple of sessions to work through is the extreme jealously we both struggle with regarding Christina and James. Not that our issues have been completely resolved — far from it, actually. Our discussions sometimes became so heated that Claire needed to use a "Permission to Talk" cushion to facilitate our discussion. Her goal was to get us to talk it out and each be heard, instead of talking over each other while pointing out our grievances.
I even admitted to Tris that Christina mentioned at our breakfast that the only reason Tris chose to forgive me is because we have a baby together. Normally excellent at keeping her facial expressions neutral, Claire's mouth fell open as she got her notepad and pen ready to write.
That was the session in which I told Tris about my fears — after she finished yelling at me and took a moment alone to calm down. I admitted that I was scared that both she and Andy didn't really want or need me, which was why James Wilton was such a sore subject for me, often making me lash out quickly and irrationally.
Tris pointed out that it was just another example of how toxic Christina is to our relationship. She also pointed out how much it hurts her when she hears that I just let Chris get away with her snide comments. I never thought about it that way because I don't actually care what Christina thinks. Thus, why I didn't bother to argue with her.
After Claire helped Tris to explain her feelings and how it plays on her insecurities, I felt terrible and understood her side of things.
Bottom line: having a therapist work with us on communication has been a huge help. Even on days when we had a particularly rough session, I could feel how much more at ease Tris and I were with each other. Our walls have finally begun to crumble.
After putting the sweaty sheets into the washing machine and starting it, knowing the noise would actually help Andy sleep, I was finally ready to go back to bed. I decided I would just put the sheets in the dryer once I woke up for the day.
As I finally lie down in my bed and try to go back to sleep, that wretched dream flashes through my mind. I'm still shaken over how shitty it feels to even imagine the person you love having sex with your best friend. I frown and bury my face in the pillow, hating that I put Tris into that exact position, and all the bullshit and pain we've had to deal with as a result.
I know now that any guilt I felt over hurting and ditching Christina is nothing compared to the guilt I feel over hurting the woman who is the love of my life.
Tris is my family, and she is everything to me. She always has been, and she always will be.
++o+ Chapter End +o++