Chapter 36

Joe was waiting for her at the entrance of the TPD when she pulled up and hopped from the black SUV; his cop face was firmly in place.

"Hey." she said as she walked up to him.

"And here I was worried you wouldn't have a ride back." he said sneered as he watched the vehicle drive off.

Oh boy.

"Uhm..."

"Save it Carter. Meeting with Targa in five minutes."

And with that he walked off leaving her to get comfortable with the tightness in her chest and the lump in her throat.

Ten minutes later Joe still refused to look in her direction as they sat in Targa's office going over the highlights of the search warrant request. His carriage was stiff, and his face was a stony mask as he asked and answered questions in a monotone voice. Joe Morelli was angry. Very, very angry.

Marissa decided to keep it professional and not let her emotions filter into the meeting. There would be time enough for that. Not like she was looking forward to it though. She asked, answered and suggested scenarios that were brought up, but to her it seemed as though she was floating above her body. Thank God it was routine protocol they were discussing, because anything other than that would have made it quite difficult for her to fully focus. Things went even more downhill after the meeting as Joe practically ran from the room when it was over.

"Hey!" Marissa said as she jogged behind him trying to keep up. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Joe stopped abruptly and turned towards her. "I'm not interested in talking right now Agent Carter."

She studied him. "You're angry at me."

"Damn right I'm angry at you." he hissed. "You lied to me."

Heads began to turn and necks craned in their direction. They had officially caused a scene. Great.

"Can we find somewhere private and discuss this?" Marissa asked in a low voice.

"I'm really not..."

"Please." she said giving him an earnest look.

He stared at her for a few seconds. Assessing. Brooding. "Fine. Staircase."

He led the way down the hall and slammed through the staircase entrance. He waited until the door closed behind them before he let loose.

"You went to see him didn't you? You didn't go to the field office because I called there trying to locate you."

He didn't have to name the "him" for her to know who he was talking about. But that was beside the point.

"Why were you looking for me?"

"Doesn't matter now does it?" he answered sullenly.

The truth was the only choice now.

"Yes, I went to see Carlos." she admitted.

"And you couldn't tell me that?" Joe sat on one of the stairs with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him.

"It was a...personal matter."

Something dark flashed over his face. "Did you go over there to fuck him?"

She felt as though he had slapped her.

"What!" she shrieked with wide eyes. "Is that what you think I did?"

He glared at her. "I thought a lot of things. None of them good. So why don't you enlighten me."

"Like I said, it was a personal matter." she said glaring back.

"Like?"

Marissa shifted nervously. "Like...personal. I wish I could tell you more than that but my friendship with Ranger is not something that can be summed up in a neat bundle of words"

Joe made a disgusted sound. "You've got to be fucking kidding me?"

Marissa looked at her shoes.

Joe stared at her with betrayal etched all over his face. "I thought we were partners…friends even."

"We are."

"Do you even know the meaning of the word?" he asked bitterly.

"What the hell kind of a question is that? Of course I do."

"Then you know the kind of trust involved in a partnership. Something happened between us last night, and according to where I come from when a woman let's a man touch her like the way I did to you it means something."

God, did he have to go there? "Look, I don't know what you're expecting me to tell you. But the reality of the situation is that when I leave here tomorrow there's a very high chance that we won't see each other again."

Joe looked like he'd been punched in the gut. "So what? I'm basically a temporary fix to take the edge off what you can't get from Manoso?"

Marissa wanted to scream in frustration. "I didn't mean it like that."

Joe's temper spiked. "Then what the fuck did you mean?"

Marissa felt her irritation bubbling up violently in her. God this was turning out to be a mess. Maybe it was best if she just cut her loses now before the situation got even more out of control.

Getting tangled up with Morelli really wasn't worth all this emotional turmoil. She'd rather be alone rather than spend two more seconds with him in that stairwell.

She squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. "You know what? I think it's best to keep some professional distance between us from now on."

She was surprised her voice sounded so even, as internally she was ready to fall apart.

Joe gave her a look of disbelief. "Professional distance? Are you serious?"

But Marissa was done talking. Done hoping. Done expecting. Her defense mechanisms were in full self-preservation mode, and as she made her way down the stairs she hoped that someday Joe would understand that all she wanted to do was protect him…from her.

Professional distance Joe soon learned meant little or no contact at all. As he leaned against the Command Center truck in the TPD's parking lot watching her go over the warrant with the guys in the Gang Unit, he wondered if he had been too hard on her earlier on.

He'd been angry when he'd found out that she had lied about her whereabouts. More angry than he'd ever gotten with Stephanie in the past when she did her shenanigans. And as he sat at his desk waiting for Marissa to return, he'd tried to keep the nagging thoughts and images of her being with Ranger at bay.

He'd been doing great until he happened to be coming back from outside after going to his SUV for some paperwork. He watched with a giant knot in his stomach as the unmistakable RangeMan standard-issued vehicle pulled into the parking lot and Marissa hopped out of it.

After that he was a body of fury.

And even though she never denied going to see Ranger for some afternoon delight, deep within he's known she wasn't that type of woman.

He had wanted her to tell him that Ranger meant nothing to her, and that she wanted to try and work something out with him. But those words never came. Neither did how she felt about him, or if she wanted to try and keep in contact after she left the day after. Hell he would've jumped at the chance to even exchange email addresses. Instead she closed herself off to him and left him standing in the stairwell feeling more annoyed and confused than when he'd first got there.

Now, she stood less than ten feet away looking absolutely gorgeous and confident, with her hair curling around her head like a halo, and her face glowing as she laughed and talked with the other detectives, looking like they'd been buddies since kindergarten. But that was her way. She knew how to bring people out and make them feel comfortable around her, and that fact made him feel a little jealous of the other guys.

It should be him making her laugh and talk like that. It should be him that she'd be coming home with tonight after they'd search the storage company. It should be his name on her lips when he buried himself so deep within her that he'd forget his own name as he gave her a proper goodbye before she left the next day.

Instead there he stood on the outside looking in too scared to go up and talk to her, too macho to push his pride aside and apologize for behaving like such a dick-head, and too pissed off with her for just walking away from him. Okay, he'd admit that he'd been a little dramatic about the whole thing; especially the part about asking if she'd gone to see Ranger in order to have a roll in the hay. But he had to know.

He was not going down the same road as he did with Steph. It was either be with him exclusively, or save the later heartache for someone else. But then again Marissa wasn't Stephanie. In fact, she wasn't like any other woman he'd ever met. She scared him. She was a tough, smart, witty, serious woman who didn't need anyone to protect her. But yet still she exuded an air of vulnerability that told him that she was cautious when it came to personal matters.

He could sense that she hid parts of herself away. It was as though she was scared that if she showed them, people would think of her as a failure, or pass judgment on her choices and lifestyle. She made analytical choices, and if they didn't fit into her experiences or consequences she was quick to dismiss them and find some other solution that did. Most times though, the solutions were to run away like she'd done earlier that afternoon. Her flight game was no joke.

"Okay! Listen up people!" Captain Targa's voice boomed over the parking lot. "We're almost ready to roll out! I need for everyone to gather here for a minute so we can go over some tactical operations!"

Five minutes later all the law enforcement officers stood in a semi-circle. and the SAC of the Newark Office, Derek Scarpella, were the main focus in the group. All eyes were on them.

Joe tried not to look over to where Marissa stood with the members of the Gang Unit, but she was standing just off to the side of where Targa and Scarpella were standing so he had no choice. She however, kept her gaze on the two men in front of her; her face was a mask of concentration. Assignments were handed out, as well as a description of the Zamochit's gang leader and then the team dispersed.

As Marissa was walking back to her car she was stopped by Scarpella's voice. "Agent Carter, you're riding with Detective Morelli."

Shit.

She sat stiffly on the passenger side of the SUV staring trance-like out the window

Joe glanced at her for what felt like the hundredth time. Her face was unreadable, and the only time she spoke was when her phone rang. It had been a brief conversation.

"Carter."

Pause.

"Yes. Tomorrow.

Pause.

"After lunch is fine."

Pause.

"Yes I read the case file and the emails."

Long pause.

"Okay. See you then."

Then she hung up and went back to staring out the window.

What was going on in her head? Joe wondered to himself. She looked so calm and animated. And why wasn't she talking…to him?

"Are you nervous?' he asked attempting to break the quiet in the cab.

"Not yet." she answered robotically. Her eyes never left the scene outside the window.

"Do you need anything before we get there? I could stop off if..."

"No. I'm fine." she said hastily.

Okay.

He cleared his throat nervously. "Look, about early on..."

"Can you not talk? Please. I just want to get this done and over with."

"Carter don't you think we should talk about what happened?"

"No. Nothing to talk about."

He kept on. "I was a jerk earlier on and..."

"Joe, please." she whispered fiercely as her gaze dropped to her lap. "I can't do this with you right now."

"Then when?"

He saw her swallow hard before she answered. "I don't know."

"Before you leave tomorrow?" he pressed.

She grimaced and it was then that he knew.

"You were going to leave and never talk to me again, weren't you?" he asked as a hopeless feeling gripped his stomach.

She remained silent.

"Is that how you deal with all your relationships? You shut down and escape into yourself instead of confronting the issues and working through them."

She didn't even blink.

"God dammit Carter!" he exploded as he slapped the steering wheel in anger. "I'm trying here!"

"Trying to do what exactly?" She finally spoke. That was a good sign.

"To apologize."

"Well you suck at it. I always thought an apology was an expression of regret, roughly cause by a dislike of one's own actions in the past. But so far all I've heard you direct at me are accusations and innuendo."

"What! I've done no such thing."

"Yes you did!" she shot back. "And correct me if I'm wrong but according to social standards I am by no means required to accept your half-assed apology."

"Half-assed? Does your ego ever take a day off?"

"I don't have an ego, unlike you."

"What?" he shot her a chagrined look.

"Ever since I've gotten here you've been on some macho bullshit, dick-measuring competition when it comes to my relationship with Carlos." she said as she glared at him. "It is what it is, so let it go already."

"I don't care about your relationship," the word came out bitterly "…with Manoso. What I have a problem with was the fact that you lied to me in order to go see him."

"We already had this conversation." she gritted out.

"And all it served to do was to give you an excuse to walk away."

"I left because there was nothing else to say. I'm not one to stick around when it's clear that all avenues have been exhausted."

"I've noticed." he said curtly glancing at her.

Marissa was getting severely frustrated with their argument. Why was he being so pig-headed? Why couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut and just drive the way Carlos did?

Because he's not Carlos, a voice said in her head. He's kind, sexy, protective, chivalrous Joseph Morelli. The kind of guy you think you don't deserve.

Shut up! She told the voice.

Great. Now she was having conversations with herself. A very clear sign that she had officially gone off the deep end. Maybe when she got back to New York she'll use up some of the mountain of vacation time she'd been accumulating over the years. God knows she needed it.

"You know what?" she said to Joe. "I'm gonna shut up now. Because lately it seems as though every time I open my mouth the Universe conspires against me and I end up looking like a bitch."

Joe pursed his lips together. Why did she always have to clam up just when their discussions...okay arguments, were getting somewhere? It irked him to no end.

"You don't look like a bitch. Look, all I'm saying is that I would appreciate a little more open communication between us, that's all."

"And I'm telling you that's not going to happen."

"Why not?"

She made an exasperated sound. Would it kill him to stop pressing and jumping all over her already frazzled nerves?

"Okay fine." Joe said sensing her deteriorating mood. "I'll promise to not bring this up for the rest of the night only if you promise that we're going to work out this...thing between us before you leave tomorrow."

"That's blackmail!" Marissa exclaimed.

"That's my offer." he said with a shrug. "If not I could go on talking until we get there."

He made a show at looking at his watch. "And that's going to be about half an hour of me asking you some very aggravating and personal questions."

Marissa couldn't believe this. Maybe she should take out her gun and shoot him in the leg. She would much rather deal with the paperwork, the Internal Affairs and Office of Professional Responsibility regarding the shooting rather than working anything out with Joe.

Why couldn't he just let it go? Just let it go and move on. It would be the simple, uncomplicated route to take. Everyone just walks away and chalk up the experience to 'that thing that happened'. Ugh!

"Well?" Joe asked breaking into her thoughts.

"I'm thinking." she said through clenched teeth.

"You seriously have to think about this?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm not about to agree to something I know justifiably well that I won't be able to commit to just because it would satisfy some small part of your manhood."

"Hey! My manhood is not small!" Joe said with a scowl.

"I was talking about your ego not your penis." Marissa muttered shaking her head.

"Same thing."