Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer came up with Twilight and the characters. I just like to mess with Edward.

35. Truly, madly, deeply

My father rose to make a speech after the main course. He first toasted to all our happiness and sharing the company of his loved ones. I couldn't agree more with him, and gladly raised my glass. He and Esme had allowed Alice and Bella to drink some champagne, too, because they were under parental supervision and apparently the occasion called for it. I was a little surprised at that, because I had never been allowed to drink before I became of age, not even at Christmas or New Year's spent at home. I wondered what was so special about this dinner.

I would soon find out, though.

'There's another reason why I'm glad you're all here tonight. As you know, Esme and I have been very happy together for the past eight years. We've both had hardships to overcome and have found kindred spirits in each other. Our combined family is more than I could have ever wished for. But recently, Esme has made me an even happier man, when she agreed to be my wife.'

Wait… what? Wife? They were… getting married? When did this happen? They had just moved in together! And why marry at all? Esme's first husband pretty much abandoned them… And what about mom? Had he forgotten about her? It hadn't even been ten years yet, for crying out loud! Didn't he know the date was approaching? Is this how he planned on honoring her memory?

I vaguely registered people talking, laughing, crying around me, and someone trying to touch me, but I couldn't. Not now. It was like a bubble of some sort had formed around me, separating me from my surroundings, numbing me. I needed to be alone. The excitement around me, it was just too much to take. The scene before me blurred into non-distinguishable shapes and colors, not making sense anymore.

That was, until I heard a soft voice whispering my name. Bella. She was trying to get my attention, get me to come back to the present. I needed to, wanted to. For her. If only for a few seconds. I looked at her, those beautiful brown eyes shimmering with worry.

Dad had asked me something while I wasn't paying attention. What was it again?

Best man.

Could I do that?

Maybe.

After I had given it some thought. I don't know. Whatever.

I couldn't deal with this right now.

I murmured something non-committal, then hurried to excuse myself and escape to my room.

I needed to be alone right now.

How long had I spent in the dark, sulking, listening to angry music, feeling sorry for myself? I had no idea. After a while I trudged into my bathroom and stuck my head under the tap, hoping the cold water would somehow calm me or otherwise pull me from my horrible mood. When I walked back out, prepared to collapse onto my bed and sulk some more, I found Bella waiting for me. She had flicked on a light and turned down the music, but sat still on my bed, looking at me expectantly.

I didn't want to get her involved in this, so I grumbled in her general direction to leave me alone. She just kept looking at me.

'Go away, B, I'm not in the mood for this,' I said, a little louder this time.

It wasn't that I didn't want her there with me; I was trying to get her out of the line of fire.

She paused, but then simply said, 'No.'

Fine, I would leave myself, and started to head towards my door. But when I walked past her, she grabbed my hand, which made me stop. Somehow, her touch, her presence, took the edge off the pain and frustration I was feeling.

'Edward?' she asked softly and I sighed.

She then coaxed me to sit down next to her. When she ran her hand through my hair, I finally looked up at her. I saw nothing but care and worry in her eyes. She obviously wanted to help me, but I wasn't sure if she could. Or if I would be able to share all of that with her. What if it would freak her out? What if she couldn't cope, or understand? What did she expect from me?

'I just want to be here for you,' she said. 'You shouldn't be alone right now.'

'Do you think you can make me feel better, make me forget?' I questioned her harshly.

'No. I just don't want you to wallow all by yourself. It's not good for you.'

I mulled that over for a while.

Did she really mean that? Was she ready, actually willing to put up with all the shit from my past? Sure, she had gotten glimpses of it on a couple of occasions, but this ran so much deeper that what she was aware of.

Then again, it wasn't really my place to tell her what she could and couldn't handle. I should probably let her decide for herself.

Also, maybe spending time with her would take my mind off things, at least for a little while.

She moved to sit in my lap and kissed me, her soft lips gently caressing mine. My hands naturally found purchase on her body, sliding up from her legs to rest on the small of her back, anchoring her to me. I needed to feel her this close to me, to know this was real, to feel her affection.

I needed her.

So fucking much.

She shivered a little, then continued to kiss me, her hands reaching up into my hair and tugging gently. I loved it when she did that – it was just raw enough to give a rough edge to the sweetest of her kisses, and it always made me want her even more.

My body was already reacting to her proximity; my heart was racing and I was breathing heavier, and my desire for this girl, her body as much as everything else that she offered me, was overriding my earlier frustrations and doubts. My hands traced back down to her thighs, slipping underneath her dress and pushing it up. She helped me take it off, revealing more of her skin to me. She was wearing this lacy bra that was either blue or some sort of light purple, with black lace over it, and it fit her perfectly, complementing her skin and her curves. This was what I had been wanting to do ever since she had walked through the door earlier, and when I had her pinned against the wall outside Alice's room. I had been getting lost in her kiss and her scent, and had wanted nothing more than to make the kiss last forever, or take her to my room. Unfortunately, we had our family and friends waiting for us to join them for dinner. But now, she was here, kissing me and holding on to me as desperately as I was her. I surrendered to her, to her touch, her kiss…

But after a while, a nagging little voice in the back of my mind started questioning my actions. Wasn't I as bad as my father, seeking refuge in the soft body of another woman to keep depressing thoughts at bay? Wasn't I also disrespecting my mother's memory? Wasn't this cowardly denial, too? That mental sneer caused me to tumble back down into the spiral of negative thoughts that had been consuming me, extinguishing the fire that had started to burn inside of me because of Bella.

Defeated, I pulled out of the kiss and rested my forehead against hers. When she opened her eyes, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

'I'm sorry,' I whispered. 'I thought I'd be alright.'

She appeared confused for a moment, but when she shifted in my lap, and realized what was happening, I tried to move away from her again. There was no use in exposing her to any more of my failures.

Bella wouldn't let me, though, instead tightening her hold on me and telling me to stay.

'I just want to be there for you.'

I clung to her even more securely, needing to feel connected to her, gaining strength from her presence and comforting caresses and soothing voice. I buried my face in her hair and breathed in her scent, the strawberry shampoo mixed with something that wasn't easy to describe, but made her Bella, and home, to me.

She ran her hand through my hair and whispered softly in my ear, 'Baby, talk to me.'

It took me a moment or two before I finally managed to choke out a few unintelligible words. She cupped my face in her hands and looked at me intently before gently kissing me.

'Talk to me,' she whispered. 'I'm here for you.'

This was it. I had to tell her everything.

And so I did.

I told her about my mother. How she was everything to me when I was a kid. Yes, Esme was kind and loving and nurturing and what not, but she wasn't my mother. No one could ever replace her. It killed me to know that she would never get to meet Bella, get to see how amazing she was, how she calmed me, how she was now everything to me.

But she had gotten sick when I was ten, and the doctors were powerless against the disease. It had been too aggressive, too fast, and they hadn't known what to do. Alice was just five years old and blissfully ignorant, only aware that her mother was tired. But I was there for every single moment of it. I saw her throwing up after each bite of food that she managed to swallow, eventually vomiting blood when there was nothing left in her stomach. I tried to cool her feverish head and tried to soothe her pains. During her more lucid moments, I played my piano for her, because she said she loved my rendering of her favorite song. I tried so hard to be the strong son she needed me to be, to be the help my father needed me to be. But it wasn't enough. After months of agonizing torture, her body finally gave up on her.

At first, I was devastated, and lost. I didn't know what to do with myself now that I wasn't helping my father take care of her. I couldn't even look at my piano again without feeling a crippling pain tear through me.

After the sorrow and the pain came anger. I couldn't accept that she was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I also resented my father and all the other doctors who had treated her. They should have saved her. Maybe that was part of the reason why I didn't want to go to medical school, opting for law school instead. I didn't know, for sure, but I did know that I couldn't deal with that kind of frustration again.

Later I felt so guilty, because Esme was incredibly good to all of us. So I started doing stupid things, dangerous things. I just couldn't take it anymore, didn't want to feel the hurt and the anger anymore. One time, when I was sixteen, a stunt went bad and I ended up in the ER with a broken wrist and ankle and a big cut on my chin. My father made me see a therapist after that, and he suggested I find a different outlet for my frustrations. I don't think he meant it the way I took it, though. I sought refuge in sex. I was such a horrible guy! But I didn't even care, because it took my mind off thinking too much. But then I grew tired of that, too. I wanted more than some random hook-ups.

And then I met Bella. And she gave me peace. Attention and affection, which I didn't deserve. I didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to burden her. And why should I? I was doing better. But then, today, the announcement… Despite everything… I still couldn't shut it down. And I ended up shutting her out in my attempts to block the negative feelings.

Bella was quiet, letting me rant and vent. But then I noticed she was breathing heavily and a sob broke out of her chest.

This was so frustrating! Not only had I ruined my family's Christmas dinner and my father's happy news, I had also made the girl I loved cry. What the hell was wrong with me? Couldn't I get anything right?

I started to apologize, but she interrupted me.

'No, Edward, you're not hurting me. You could never hurt me. I just feel so… powerless! I see how this is killing you, and there's nothing I can do to make it better. I love you, but I can't help you… and that's…'

Now it was my turn to interrupt her rambling.

'What did you say?'

I wasn't sure if I had heard her correctly. And if I had, I wanted to hear it again.

She gazed back at me, wide-eyed.

'I… I love you, Edward,' she finally repeated.

That jerked me right out of my miserable mood.

Bella loved me. She actually loved me!

Suddenly, I was overcome with emotions of a different kind.

A/N Awww don't you just want to hug Edward and make it all better? Well, I guess that's just what Bella did, without even fully realizing it. What did you think?

I know this chapter is a little shorter than what you guys are used to with me, but I felt this was a good place to end it. What happens next didn't really mesh well with all the emotions flying around before. I'll try to update before my birthday (which is April 30th, our national holiday) because I want to give myself the following events as a gift, as well. Yeah, it's already in my head and I can't wait to share it with you!