Gasping for air, Remus pulled back, breathing in and out deeply, his eyes boring holes into Sirius'.
"Moony," Sirius said softly, his fingers lightly touching his lips.
"S-sorry about that I didn't mean... I know you're... I..." Remus stammered, trembling.
Sirius laughed, slowly approaching him. "Moony... Shhhh," he said softly, pressing his lips to Remus', kissing him more forcefully, this time.
Remus kissed back, twining his fingers into Sirius' black locks, pulling the boy closer to him. His tongue darted about Sirius' mouth hungrily, as he tried desperately to memorize the exact feeling of Sirius' lips against his. "Mmmm," he groaned, tensing up slightly as he felt Sirius' arms slink around his waist.
"You're shivering, Padfoot," he said suddenly, as he felt Sirius' body trembling. "Let's get you inside."
With an arm around Sirius' waist, Remus guided him back down to Gryffindor Tower. Once safely in the Common Room, Remus paused to examine Sirius, assessing the damage exposure to the elements had done. "Your lips are blue, Siri... You need to get warmed up. Why don't you lay down on the couch by the fire? I'll get you a blanket," he offered gently, smiling softly at his friend.
Sirius nodded, obeying. Remus tiptoed back to the dorms for a moment, returning with a blanket and a vial in hand. "Here you go," he said, wrapping Sirius up in the blanket. "I brought you some pep-up potion, as well. That'll help you warm up some and feel better."
Sirius accepted the dosage of the potion, draining the flask promptly. "Sit with me?" he asked weakly, his eyes begging.
Remus nodded, taking a seat on the couch. He didn't object when Sirius readjusted himself to rest his head in Remus' lap. Remus stroked Sirius' hair absently, staring into the fire. "You really need to be careful, Padfoot. It's dangerous to just wander out after dark... It was snowing... You could have caught your death."
"Remus... When you tried to... You know... How were you feeling?" Sirius asked suddenly, his voice tight, as though he were struggling to fight back tears.
Remus sighed, his brow furrowing. "Pads, I don't really think now is the time to talk about-"
"Please, Moony. I... Tonight I felt so badly that I was thinking about... I wanted to..." Sirius trailed off, the low sound of sniffling taking place of his words.
Remus sighed, stroking Sirius' hair. "Shhh... Siri. It's okay. You're okay. I know how it feels to want to die, Siri... But I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad you didn't try to do anything to hurt yourself. I love you, Sirius."
Sirius mumbled something incomprehensible, nuzzling into Remus' lap.
"Pads... Can I ask you something?" Remus asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"'Course... What?"
"I don't know if you remember it or anything but... Why did you kiss me on New Year's?"
"Why did you kiss me tonight?" Sirius countered, lifting his head up to face Remus.
"You kissed back, didn't you?" Remus retorted, his eyes drifting down towards the floor.
Sirius sighed, pulling himself up so that he was sitting up beside Remus. "I kissed you on New Year's because I wanted to. We were having fun, and it was almost midnight and your lips looked so kissable so... I kissed you."
"I wanted to see if you'd kiss me back," Remus said lowly, eyes still staring down at the floor. "To see if New Year's wasn't some drunk mistake."
"Why would you think it was a mistake, Moony? Do you have any idea how incredibly cute you are?" Sirius asked, cupping Remus' chin with his hand, forcing him to look up, to make eye contact.
"Sod off, Pads," Remus scoffed, shaking his head, pulling himself from Sirius' grasp.
"It's true, all the same."
Remus shrugged, brushing off the compliment. "What made you want to... you know? Evelyn?" he asked, changing the subject.
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know... Maybe, a little. I'm just lonely, I guess. Everyone has someone and I'm just alone," he noted, struggling to stifle a yawn.
"We should get you up to bed. You haven't slept in weeks, Pads," Remus noted, standing up.
He offered Sirius a hand, helping him to his feet. Slowly, the two boys wandered upstairs to the dormitory. Remus watched as Sirius pulled off his shoes, tossing them carelessly towards the foot of his bed. Remus removed his robe, carefully folding it and placing it back in his dresser.
"Moony?" Sirius asked quietly, peering over at him from under his comforter.
"What is is, Pads?" Remus asked, taking a few steps towards Sirius' bed.
"Lay with me? I... I don't want to be alone."
Remus nodded, climbing into bed beside Sirius. Remus lay on his side, one are carefully draped around Sirius' waist. "This okay?" he asked, whispering into the other boy's ear.
"Mhhhm," Sirius mumbled, already drifting off to sleep.
The next morning, Sirius woke to an empty bed. He sat up suddenly, waiting momentarily for the dizziness to pass. Once he felt sufficiently level-headed, he rose from bed, glancing around the dorm room. The other three beds were empty. Frowning, Sirius grabbed his watch off his dresser, curious as to what time it was. Noon. Quickly, Sirius dressed, hurrying off towards the Common Room. He approached Lily, who was sitting with Marlene, working on Charms homework. "Hey Lils," he greeted the redhead, joining the pair at their table, "Where's James?"
Lily looked up from her parchment, eyeing him curiously. "I wasn't aware it was my turn to keep tabs on him, Sirius. How are you feeling? You slept in late today."
Sirius shrugged. "Oh, you know. Alright, I guess."
Marlene snorted, rolling her eyes. "Remus told us he found you leaning over the ledge of the Astronomy Tower," she noted, staring Sirius down. "So you can cut the crap and tell us how you're really doing."
"Not here," he muttered, nodding towards the group of third year girls hovering close to their table.
"Get your coat, then. We'll take a walk around the lake," Marlene said, beginning to gather up her belongings.
Evelyn stared down into her glass of gin, waiting. She had received an owl early that morning, summoning her to Hogsmeade. She had been urged that it was an urgent matter, and to be at the Three Broomsticks by noon. Growing bored, she tapped her nails against the bar, frowning. She glanced up at the clock on the wall; it was now half-past. Where on Earth could they be? She thought to herself, glancing towards the door. To her relief, she at last saw three familiar boys entering the establishment. James, the tallest, nodded at her, motioning towards a free table near the windows on the far side of the room. Evelyn nodded back in acknowledgment, leaving a gallon on the bar and grabbing her drink to join the others. Gracefully, she took a seat at their chosen table, finding herself opposite James, Peter and Remus on either side of her.
"So, what's all this about?" she asked, grasping nervously at her white fur collar, a single eyebrow raised.
"So what's going on with you and Sirius?" James asked, offering her a withering glare.
"Um, I dunno... He's busy with school and I'm in London so I haven't heard from him much," Evelyn replied icily, shooting James a withering look of her own.
"Well he went to see you a few weeks ago, didn't he?" James sneered, arms crossed.
Evelyn paled, her hands dropping to her lap. "He told you all about that, did he?" she asked quietly.
"I don't understand you, Evelyn. Malfoy, really? Sirius loves you. Why would you want to be someone's play thing when you could be with someone who would treat you like you're everything?" James asked incredulously, his eyes burning with disgust.
"I was doing what was best for both of us... I... I didn't think he would just show up," she muttered, again toying with her collar.
"You've been avoiding him since St. Mungo's," Remus noted, speaking for the first time since their arrival.
"I know what you all think of me," Evelyn said calmly, taking a sip of her drink. She glanced at each of the boys, placing her glass down. "That's why I distanced myself. Because I was making him worse."
The three boys remained silent, staring at her. Evelyn sighed, draining her glass. "Get me another drink, would you dear?" she asked Peter, offering him a sugary sweet grin. "A gin and tonic, hold the tonic."
Peter nodded stiffly, picking up her empty glass and wandering towards the bar. Evelyn sighed, pulling her pack of cigarettes from her coat pocket. Slowly, she lit up, biding her time. She took a deep drag, blowing a stream of smoke in James' direction. "Don't think for even a second that I don't care deeply for Sirius. I do. But after seeing him in the hospital like he was, seeing how bad off he's gotten since we began seeing each other regularly, it got me to thinking..." she trailed off, taking another drag of her smoke.
"Well?" James asked, rolling his eyes.
"I thought if I avoided him, he'd get sick of me and move on and work on actually getting better. I know I'm a lost cause, but he still has a shot. Being around me, having me in his life, is not helping him. Seeing me makes him think that it's an option to live this way. I love Sirius too much to let him die with me," she continued, tears beginning to slowly roll down her cheeks.
"Why couldn't you just tell him that yourself?" Remus asked gently, placing a trembling hand over Evelyn's own.
Evelyn laughed coldly, pulling her hand out from under Remus'. "You know how Sirius is. He's fiercely loyal to the very end. If I were to tell him all of that, he'd just cling to me more, and in trying to foolishly save me, allow me to pull him down with me."
"Don't you think he deserves better from you, than to leave him thinking you used him as some sort of fuck toy to take your mind off of Lucius?" James asked, frowning.
Peter returned, Evelyn's drink in hand. "Thanks," she said briskly, grabbing the glass from his grasp, and pouring nearly half the contents down her throat.
She coughed, placing the glass down on the table, hands trembling slightly. "It's better if he thinks that I was merely using him. If he hates me, it'll be easier. He'll move on, find someone else," she noted, a bitter tone in her voice.
"Is it selfish of me to desperately want to keep him to myself?" she asked, laughing slightly. "He's so beautiful... Just really everything someone could want in a man."
The trio of boys watched her suspiciously, as she drained her glass of its contents. "Obviously, I'm not going to. I'm not that selfish... He deserves better than a trainwreck like me. Deserves better than a has-been whore."
"You're not a whore, Evelyn," Remus said quietly, trying to meet her gaze.
"He's not doing well, is he?" she asked, biting her lower lip.
James and Remus exchanged looks. Remus cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with having to speak. "He was doing okay for a few weeks after he got out of the hospital. He was eating, and not purging. He gained a little weight, and apparently panicked and reverted back to his old ways. I don't know what he weighs, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's less than he weighed when you brought him to St. Mungo's back in January."
Evelyn nodded, pulling at a loose thread on the sleeve of her coat. "I'm so sorry... If I knew that my avoiding him would make him worse, I wouldn't have..." she trailed off, sniffling.
"He's suicidal, I think," Remus noted, a pained expression on his face.
"What... What makes you say that?" Evelyn questioned, frowning.
Sighing, Remus nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "Well, last night, I found him leaning over the edge of one of the towers, dressed in just his night clothes while it was snowing. When I brought him inside, he told me that he..." his voice cracked, his lips trembling with emotion. "He told me that he wanted to die."
Evelyn reached out, grabbing Remus' hand in her own. She squeezed his hand lightly, tears burning in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Remus. I'm sorry I... I can't do anything right. I can't help him, I can't help myself... I'm just... I'm sorry."
Sirius lit a cigarette, ignoring Lily's glaring looks. "I need a cigarette to talk about this Lils," he muttered, struggling to ignite his lighter with the wind bustling about.
"Why don't you just use your wand?" Marlene pointed out, shoving her hands in her pockets as the three rounded about the black lake.
"I like using a lighter," Sirius muttered, finally managing to light his cigarette. He inhaled deeply, blowing a stream of smoke in Marlene's face.
"Charming, Sirius," she retorted, rolling her eyes. "So what the hell happened, last night?"
Sirius shrugged, inhaling another drag, while shoving his free hand in his pocket. Although it was now March, the dreary winter weather showed no signs of breaking. "I just had enough, I guess."
"Were you really going to kill yourself?" Lily asked softly, pausing to gaze up into Sirius' eyes, her own green ones filled with concern.
"If Remus hadn't shown up... probably," he replied, looking out towards the lake, breaking his gaze with Lily.
"You know you're worse off than you were before you were hospitalized, I think," Marlene noted, her tone softer, this time.
Sirius shrugged, focusing on his cigarette.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked, breaking the silence.
"I'm fine, Marlene. I'm doing better. You should know that. I told you... I've gained weight. My jeans don't fit, anymore. I'm getting fat," he hissed, turning to face the blonde.
"Since you're gaining so much weight, I suppose that's why I saw you punching an additional hole into your belt, so you can keep your trousers up, right?" she sneered.
Sirius shook his head, ignoring her comment. "I'm doing fine, really. I'm eating. I'm going to therapy. What more do you people want from me?" he yelled, hurling his cigarette butt into the lake.
"Sirius," Lily said gently, placing her hand on his shoulder, "we want to know that you're okay. And given the fact that you admitted to wanting to kill yourself, I think it's safe to say that you're not okay."
Sirius shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I'm fine. I was just having a bad night. I miss Evie. I don't know," he muttered.
"You need to meet with your therapist. Immediately," Marlene interjected, her eyes struggling to meet Sirius'.
"I'll see her at my appointment on Thursday," he replied coldly, crossing his arms.
"No. You need to write her and get an appointment for as soon as possible. Or I'm reporting your suicide attempt to McGonagall," Marlene retorted, arms crossed, as well.
"You wouldn't," Sirius breathed, eyes burning with rage.
"Oh, but I would. I told you this before, Sirius... We're in group, together. When one of us is in crisis, we're supposed to look out for one another... And it's blatantly clear that you're in crisis."
"Lily, you wouldn't let her, would you?" he begged, turning to the redhead.
Lily eyed him sadly, toying with her hair. "Sirius, I love you, but you need help. We're all worried to death, over you. Remus is sick with worry... We need to know that you're safe."
Sirius came to a halt, feeling himself shaking with rage. "You know what? I don't feel much like talking, anymore," he said sharply, turning the opposite direction and beginning to walk back towards the castle.
"Sirius, wait, don't-"
"Next time I'll make sure to find somewhere more private when I feel like killing myself," he called over his shoulder, ignoring Lily's plea for him to stop and to not run off.
Fuck this, he thought angrily to himself, stomping back towards the castle. Fuck everyone and their bullshit so-called caring. I don't need them. I don't need anyone.