Title: In Your Eyes

Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP

Rating: M

Pairing: ?/?

Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?

Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.

Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1 and Carlykinz for your reviews, we hope you enjoy this chapter and the squish in it.

Chapter Thirty-Six.

Jeff awoke with his arms around Dixie, she was still asleep and resting peacefully with her head against his chest. He was relieved to see that she was still here with him, that she hadn't woken up during the night and decided that she hated him for everything that he had said and done to her. Jeff moved his hand up to Dixie's hair and he stroked it, he thought again that it had got longer in his absence and that it needed dyeing. He remembered thinking that when he saw Dixie in hospital. Seeing Dixie lying in a hospital bed wasn't a pleasant memory for Jeff, it was his comments that put her there and he was ashamed of himself. He was feeling guilty and it was going to be a long time before he stopped feeling that way. Jeff sighed, what if Norman hadn't found Dixie, what if the treatment hadn't worked, what if she had died? It would be as if he had killed her himself.

Jeff regretted every word that he said to Dixie, they had driven her to lose weight to the point that it made her ill. He felt tears drip down his face, he had come so close to losing his Dixie, to losing the woman that he loved for good. Jeff wiped the tears away but they were just replaced by more, the dream, seeing Dixie in hospital and the knowledge that he had hurt her badly and didn't deserve her had all combined to make Jeff feel miserable. He slowly moved Dixie so she was lying on the other pillow, he didn't want to wake her up, she needed to rest. Jeff rested his head against his knees, he made no effort to stop the tears that flowed down his face, he deserved to suffer for everything for everything that he had said and done to Dixie.

Dixie opened her eyes and for a few seconds she didn't recognise where she was. Her memories came back to her and she remembered everything; being in hospital, seeing Jeff at the park, going to dinner and staying the night with him in his hotel room. She also remembered going to sleep in his arms, why wasn't he holding her now? Dixie looked to her right and saw Jeff sat up with his head buried in his hands. She sat up and moved closer to Jeff, she heard him quietly crying and it made her feel sad. Why hadn't he woken her up? He is obviously upset about something and in spite of everything that happened between them she cared for him and wanted to know what had upset him so badly.

Dixie put her hand on Jeff's left shoulder and rubbed comforting circles over it. She wondered what had got him into this state. Jeff only cried when something bad happened and usually it was in private. She moved her hand down and rested it on his back, Dixie was confused when she heard Jeff gasp in pain and move away from her touch. She was worried, had Jeff somehow got hurt in London and he hadn't told her? 'Jeff, what's wrong?'

'Nothing,' she heard him say quietly.

'I heard you, that was the sound of someone in pain, it is not nothing. Tell me.' Dixie was concerned, for Jeff to sound like that, something had to have happened to him. 'Tell me,' she said again.

'It is just something I had to do.'

'What did you have to do?' Dixie was really worried now, what had Jeff done to himself?

'I had to do it, it is my punishment for hurting you and destroying our marriage. I deserve the pain, I deserve to suffer for the things that I have done. Every time I pick up my kit or lie down I feel the pain. I've said unforgivable things and I nearly hit you, I put you in hospital with my words, this is my penance.'

'What is?' Jeff lifted his shirt over his head and Dixie instantly saw the writing that had been tattooed onto his shoulder-blade, directly above the bone. The tattoo had begun to heal but some of the skin was still red and sore, Jeff had obviously been letting things touch it in an attempt to make himself feel more pain. Dixie got the meaning of the words, it was Jeff's way of saying he would never love again and the tattoo was a reminder of that. 'Why did you do it?'

'I told you, the pain is my punishment.' Dixie sighed, Jeff was hurting both physically and emotionally and she wanted to make his pain go away. It made her heart hurt to see him so broken and upset.

Jeff felt Dixie get up off the bed and she went into the bathroom, he didn't register what she was doing as he was too lost in his own world. She came back a few minutes later and sat back down, he felt her press something cold against the area where his tattoo was. Jeff closed his eyes, the ice that Dixie had placed onto his back was soothing the ache from the tattoo. He sighed, it was the first time that he had felt any peace from the pain. 'Why are you helping me? Shouldn't you hate me? I don't think I deserve your help.'

'I can't hate you Jeff.'

'Why not, I deserve it.'

'I love you.' Jeff lowered his head to his chest.

'Dixie, I hurt you, how can you say that?'

'Because it's true. What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I hate you, that I don't love you, that I want you to suffer, that I want you to feel pain? Would it make you feel better if I left you to suffer alone?'

'Don't you think that I deserve it after everything that I've done?'

'Jeff, I hate seeing you like this, I hate seeing you in pain and knowing that you're punishing yourself over everything that happened between us.' Jeff saw the tears start to roll down Dixie's cheeks. 'I love you, you might not want me to, you might want me to hate you but I can't. Please don't tell me to hate you.' Jeff put his arms around Dixie and held her close, he stroked her hair and kissed her head.

'I'm sorry princess, everything is so messed up, I love you too, I never stopped, I couldn't stop loving you Dix. How did we get like this?' Jeff felt Dixie rest her head against his shoulder and he just held her. 'Dixie, I think we need to talk, we have a lot of issues to work through.'

'I know we do, I don't want to do this here though. Come home with me.'

'Okay.' Jeff quietly held Dixie, he knew they had to talk about things, however hard it was going to be.

Dixie and Jeff got some breakfast at the hotel and Jeff drove them back to the house that he had once shared with Dixie. He remembered the day that he left, he wanted to come home to Dixie so many times and beg her forgiveness. Jeff followed Dixie into the house and he looked around, the hall had been entirely redecorated. He went into the lounge and found it was different too. Dixie had obviously changed the entire house, the furniture was in different places and he noted that all of the pictures of them that had previously been in the lounge had been taken down and put away. He wondered if Dixie had thrown them away or if she had stored them somewhere. Jeff sat down on the sofa and looked up when Little Abs came running into the room. 'Hello mate, I missed you.' Jeff stroked the dog and he smiled. 'I missed your mummy too, I love her so much and yet I hurt her. I said some very horrible things to her and that is why I had to go, if I wasn't here then I couldn't hurt her. I'm so very ashamed of myself right now. I love her and yet I broke her heart, I took her smile away by saying things that weren't true. I told her that I wanted a transfer and a divorce, I didn't, those words weren't true. I said them in anger and I wish every day that I could take them back. I remember the day I left, I waited around in the hope that your mummy would come back and tell me not to go. Every day I hoped that she would call me and tell me to come home, I wanted to pack up my things and come back but I was afraid to. I was afraid that your mummy wouldn't want me.' Jeff took a breath and looked at Little Abs, everything that he wanted to say to Dixie was coming out now.

Dixie stood behind Jeff and listened to everything that he was saying, she didn't want to interrupt him as she feared that he would stop talking. She wanted to understand what was going on in his head and listening to him talk to Little Abs was a way that she could do that. Dixie was careful not to make any noise. 'I have a picture of your mummy on my phone, I would talk to her every time I went to bed. I hated going to bed alone, my bed was always cold without her in it. I would hold her scarf close to me as I fell asleep, I sprayed it with some your mummy's perfume before I left but it wore off the longer that I was away. It felt like I was losing her all over again. Being in London without my Dixie was the worst time of my life. I had a horrible dream that she had died and I came back to Holby to talk at her funeral, when I woke up and Tess called me, I was so afraid that my dream would come true and I would be without my Dixie forever.'

'I always wondered where my favourite scarf went to.' Jeff turned around, he looked shocked that Dixie was there.

'How long have you been stood there, how much did you hear?'

'Everything.' Dixie went and sat by Jeff on the sofa, it was her turn to be honest with him. 'There were times that I wanted to go to London, find your flat and beg you to come home. I missed you so much. You've probably noticed that I've rearranged the house, it was a way to distract myself from how much I was missing you. The only room I couldn't touch was yours, I left it exactly how it was when you were here. Deep down I always hoped that you would come home. I used to go to sleep holding your t-shirt, just like you used to hold my scarf.' Dixie took a deep breath, there was something that she had to know. 'Jeff, did you mean it when you said that you wanted to work on this, that you wanted to make us work?'

'Of course I did, I love you Dixie, I don't want you to lose you again.'

'I love you too.' Dixie looked at Jeff, she could tell that he was serious, he really wanted to work on their relationship as much as she did.

Jeff took Dixie's hands in his, there was something that he wanted to talk to Dixie about, something that he had to know. 'Dixie, will you promise me something?'

'Like what?'

'Stop losing weight. I know what I said about your weight and I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, if I could take it back then I would. Sitting by your side in the ED and hoping that you would wake up were the worst hours of my life. I don't want to go through that again, I don't want to see you like that again. You've lost so much weight and you're so thin. My Dixie, promise me that you'll stop losing weight.'

'I promise. Losing weight was the one thing that I could control, I needed to control something. I know I went too far, Norman and Tess were worried about me and they had good reason to be. I am going to have to thank them; Norman for coming after me and saving my life, without him I probably would have been out there for a long time. I think we owe Tess a lot too.'

'We do, she sat with me, convinced me to talk to you and tell you how I felt. I am grateful to Tess, without her I would have just sat by your bedside and cried.'

'When I woke up I remembered hearing you talk to me, I thought that I'd imagined it.'

'You didn't, I was there for you. I know that it was a little bit too late and I should have been there for you all along.'

'I should have been there for you too. Look at what you did, you made yourself suffer through a tattoo and the pain afterwards. I am sorry you had to go through that Jeff.'

'It's all right Dixie, the painkillers are helping with the pain. I was quite prepared never to love again, if I couldn't be with you then I didn't want anyone.'

'I know, I felt the same. What are we going to do?'

'About what?'

'You're going to have to go back to London.'

'I know, I don't want to. Dixie?'

'Yeah.'

'Can we talk about that tomorrow?'

Yeah, tomorrow is another day and we have talked a lot today.' Jeff held his arms out to Dixie.

'Can I have a hug?' Dixie nodded her agreement and she shuffled closer to Jeff, he wrapped his arms around her and she put hers around his waist and hugged him tight. Jeff knew that they would have to talk about what was going to happen in the future but for now he was content that they had started on the long road to getting their relationship back on track.