When the Storm Breaks
By Hazelmist
A/N: Thank you nannyogg123/mykelara, pgilmour75, Lily Dragon for patiently reading through this and finding all my stupid mistakes. And thank you for leaving kudos/ comments/reviews! You guys are amazing and I'd be looking at another six year plan if it wasn't for all of you! So, sorry it took me so long. This was another tough chapter for me to write, goodbyes are always hard.
Dear SEA, some memories fade and slip away, but others stay with you forever.
Chapter 35: When the Rain Stopped
The rain had stopped. Blinking up at the ceiling, Alec heard it in the silence. It seemed odd that he sensed the absence of the rain before he was aware of the warm body melded with his. But as he glanced down at Ellie, snuggled so closely into his side, he felt as if she was a part of him now. He breathed in deeply, registering the tightness in his chest that had woken him. His heart had been stronger than he had expected as far as handling the stress and strain, but he couldn't ignore it anymore. Ellie couldn't fix him. Sometimes she instinctively knew his body better than he did, but other times she forgot herself and brought out a recklessness in him that always had repercussions. They wouldn't have been here now if she hadn't challenged him to cross a line that should have never been breached.
And yet he didn't regret it.
She claimed she was a light sleeper, but she always slept more comfortably with him. Checking his watch, he carefully moved her and sat up. The dizziness struck him as soon as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, but it wasn't bad enough to hinder him from going through the motions. The last bottle, one of the recent additions, gave him a bit of trouble. It was because he'd never cracked the seal. He stared at the label, glanced over his shoulder at Ellie clutching the pillow he'd relinquished to her, and tossed it into his carryall without opening it.
She stirred as he curled himself around her, snaking his arms around her torso. The vertigo and the pain subsided with every breath she took. He burrowed his nose into her neck, inhaling her scent mixed with his own. He'd put on track bottoms and given her one of his T-shirts, as well as the dry woolen jumper they'd left on the floor of the loo. Tomorrow he'd take the smell of her with him, hanging onto a memory that would linger like the snowy day she'd stolen his scarf and the many, many times she'd worn his coat.
Alec kissed her pulse and wondered how she'd always made him feel so alive. Even in those first weeks when he couldn't stand her, Ellie had gotten under his skin and reached him in a way that no one else had since he left his daughter behind. He thought about the last bottle; the one that would regulate his heart, but would cost him his life. He shivered at the prospect of the long, dark, numbing weeks he had ahead of him, and Ellie felt it too.
"Are you alright?" she whispered and rolled onto her back to look at him.
"More than alright," he assured her. His heart was beating irregularly but steadily in his chest, and he had a beautiful woman in his bed for the rest of the night.
"What time is it?" Ellie asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and searching for her phone on the nightstand. She squinted as the screen blinded her.
"It's only quarter past nine," she observed with some surprise. "I can say goodnight." She sat up against the headboard and called Tom. Alec tried to give her some privacy, but Ellie caught his arm. "You're not leaving this room," she told him fiercely. Alec didn't fight her.
He stayed with her, half listening to the one-sided conversation as she combed her fingers through his hair, scraping her nails occasionally over his scalp. He bit back a moan when she scratched a particularly sensitive spot. Ellie smirked, but her face suddenly fell and her hand left his hair.
"Where did you hear that?" she asked sharply, tensing up. Alec soothingly stroked her arm. "No, I'm not angry anymore." His hand paused at her elbow. "Yes, sweetheart," she sighed. "He's at the Traders."
Alec froze. Ellie thrust her fingers into her curls, pushing them from her forehead. He scrambled to sit up against the headboard beside her, mouthing questions that she ignored. She squeezed her eyes shut, but her free hand found his bent knee before he could go anywhere.
"Yeah, I'm with him."
Alec swore under his breath and buried his head in his hands.
"No, he's not," Ellie's voice broke or perhaps he imagined it. She sniffed and wiped her nose. "Because he's going home, sweetheart."
Home.
Their eyes locked. Home was Broadchurch. Home was a never-ending sky and the smell of smoke and salt in the air. Home was the roar of the ocean and Ellie's laughter ringing in his ears. Home was Fred's warm weight against his chest and his sticky hands in his hair. Home was an open door and Tom solemnly promising to make his mother proud and take care of her when Alec was gone. Home was a bed with rumpled sheets and clothes, tangled limbs and sleep without nightmares or fear. And home was a woman he loved beside him.
"He wants to talk to you," she said softly, looking at him.
Alec swallowed and then motioned for her to give him the mobile. Their fingers brushed as the object passed between them. He brought it up to his ear, holding Ellie's gaze.
"Hi." Alec was expecting Tom. He couldn't have been more wrong.
"Daddy!" Fred squealed. Alec's heart stuttered in his chest.
"Fred," he croaked. Ellie stared at him until he was forced to turn away. Her son babbled on about his day and Alec listened. In spite of the circumstances, Fred made him smile and laugh. Alec had a difficult time keeping the conversation short, even though it was late and Fred should not have been up. There was a flicker of hope in Ellie's eyes that Alec hadn't seen in a long time and he clung to it for a few more minutes. They didn't correct or explain to Fred that Alec wasn't Daddy. Ellie dropped her head to his shoulder and as Alec wound his arm around her, he could almost pretend that it was true.
"Are you coming home, Daddy?"
Alec's heart skipped a beat and the dream shattered.
"Not tonight, Fred," Alec told him and those three little words slipped past his quivering lips, "I love you." He quickly said goodnight and handed the phone off to Ellie, before wee Fred could ask any more questions or destroy what was left of Alec's breaking heart. Ellie whispered a few soft words, talked to Tom for a moment, and then ended the call and returned it to the nightstand.
"You did that on purpose," Alec realized. Ellie's eyes glittered in the dim light of the hotel room. She'd used Fred as a weapon, one last desperate attempt to keep him with them in Broadchurch.
"Did it work?" She wasn't ashamed. The hope blazed in her eyes as she waited for him on bated breath. He wanted to surrender to her. He wanted to go home with her. He wanted to stay with her. Instead he took her face between his long fingers and he crushed her with a hard kiss that crushed every last bit of hope she had left.
The bruising kiss backfired on him.
Ellie was stronger than him now. A lot stronger. And she was willing to do anything to remind him of everything he would lose if he left her. His resolve was weakening but his heart was too. She couldn't feel it or understand that they couldn't do this again. By the time he was able to stop her, both T-shirts and his jumper were on the floor somewhere, and Ellie had him nailed to the mattress and entirely at her mercy.
"You're sure I can't change your mind?" she challenged him one more time. She nudged his nose with hers and her curls tickled his cheeks. If Alec had thought that one time would be enough, he was sorely mistaken. Temptation was heavy in the air around them, but the pressure Ellie was putting on him had aroused him and pushed his heart too far.
Alec shoved her off of him and swept the pills off the nightstand. He coughed up the plastic and spat it out. The fit didn't stop until Ellie gently rubbed his back. They were past the point where they had to apologize, but Alec tried anyway. Ellie told him to shut up.
He picked up the discarded jumper and gave it to her again. She put it on but they didn't bother with the T-shirts. Ellie dragged him back into bed with her, resting her head on his bare chest. His heart was calm again and Ellie was content with cuddling, but something else was bothering him other than his inability to give her what they both wanted and their fast approaching goodbye.
"Shit!" he hissed, when it finally occurred to him. "We didn't use anything," he blurted out, horrified. Ellie looked up at him as he raked his fingers through his hair and bit down on his lip.
"Well, you were a bit distracted," Ellie reminded him, drawing a line on his chest with her fingernail. "You don't have any condoms?"
"Of course, I don't. It's not like I was planning on shagging you," Alec snapped. Ellie's eyebrows shot up and Alec blushed.
"Are you telling me that you never thought that this might happen?"
"It hasn't even been two weeks since I snogged you in a bar. I didn't really have that much time to think about it." He tugged at his ear as Ellie continued to stare at him skeptically. His face was so flushed now that he could literally feel the heat coming off of it. "Alright, it may have crossed my mind once or twice," Ellie's eyes bore into him and he confessed, "Okay, I thought about it a lot, it was hard not to when I was with you." Their gazes met.
"You could've popped into the chemist in the center of town-"
"God, no," Alec interrupted her, covering his face with his hand. "Can you imagine how those people would react if they saw me with a box of-" Ellie burst into a fresh round of giggles and Alec laughed. He had to let go of her when his laughter turned into that awful hacking noise again. It didn't last long. Alec sniggered and propped himself up against the headboard and the wall behind him.
"You've got nothing to worry about, I have an IUD," she assured him, patting his leg.
"Thank god," he sighed.
"After Fred cried for a straight week, I got one as soon as possible."
Alec snorted and tipped his head back.
"I seriously considered a vasectomy after Keira took a permanent marker to our CS' office and then flooded the whole second floor of the house."
"How did that even happen?" Ellie gaped at him.
"Don't ask," Alec said, holding up a hand and shaking his head. The memory lingered and Alec was reminded again of the past he'd lost as well as the future he would never live to sat there in the silence, coming down off of that high. They were lost somewhere amongst the memories of their happier pasts, the frightening present and the forked road outside of those four walls where their paths would diverge.
"I wanted to meet her," Ellie said.
Alec looked at her.
"Me too."
Ellie knew that he wasn't only talking about her meeting Keira. She reached over, lacing their fingers together.
"You'll talk to her, Alec, I know you will."
Alec kissed her temple and left his forehead there. He wanted to believe her, and if anyone could have made him believe, it would've been Ellie. She'd showed him that he was capable of more love and strength than he ever thought was possible, taking a skeleton key to his heart and unlocking a rusty safe where he'd put her and her two boys. But now that it was coming to an end, he didn't want to get his hopes up again. It always hurt more when you had false hope and there was a foreboding twist in the pit of his stomach.
"What time do you have to leave?" she asked.
"Early. I want to be there by half past ten." Sandbrook was far away and it felt even further from where he was now, outside of time and ensconced in a warm hotel room with Ellie beside him. "You'll have to get back before Lucy brings the boys home in the morning," he recalled, expelling a breath in her ear. She'd told him she'd walked too. "I can have the car drop you off," he offered, but she shook her head. They both knew she'd have to leave well before him. Alec lifted his head and their eyes collided.
"Are you ready?" The words tumbled from her lips. Their departure was hours away, but this wasn't just about leaving a hotel room or reuniting with his estranged daughter. Alec hesitated, but he caved beneath the softness of her understanding gaze.
"No." His voice broke, carrying an echo of the storm that had threatened to drown him in the shower. She'd stepped in to keep him afloat and he'd tried to take her down with him.
He fled from her, disentangling their limbs and crawling out of the bed under the excuse of needing to use the loo. The bright light blinded him and exposed the mess they'd left in their torrid wake. Their discarded clothing hung from doors and drying racks, still damp even though outside the rain had stopped. The water hadn't been able to wash away everything but it had stripped him of every last one of his defenses. Ellie had done the rest. All she had to do was touch him and his walls had fallen. He'd capitulated, yielding all that was rest of his courage, strength, faith, trust and love. But they were only human and she couldn't save him from himself.
Ellie rapped on the door and Alec couldn't hide from her anymore.
She was waiting for him, clad in one of his jumpers that almost reached her knees. Alec marveled at the fact that physically she was smaller than him. He was weak in comparison to her as if he'd given her too much of himself, but yet it wasn't enough. She wasn't asking much from him, but he wished he could've given her more. Ellie offered to get his medication for him, but Alec needed something stronger in order to quell the ache in his chest. And there was one more thing that might help with the cure…
He switched off the light behind him, plunging them both into the darkness. Her eyes gleamed like a light at the end of the tunnel.
"Are you alright?"
"Not really," he admitted, choking on those three syllables. He swallowed hard and found her in the shadows. Pulling her into a hug, he stroked her hair. Ellie tensed up, but relaxed once she was certain his heart was still beating. For now.
"Can I borrow your phone?" he asked after several minutes had passed and he thought he might be ready. Ellie let go to stare at him. Their eyes had adjusted by now, her worried features sharpening into his focus.
"Okay," she conceded, trusting him. Alec brushed past her to retrieve it from the nightstand. Ellie trailed after him.
"What are you doing?" she inquired. He found his coat and rummaged through the pockets until he found his glasses. Putting them on, he perched on the foot of the bed with Ellie's mobile. She came up behind him, wrapping her arms around him.
"Are you trying to steal my phone again?" she teased him, kissing his bare shoulder.
"I didn't steal your phone," he protested, unlocking the screen and searching for the contacts.
"You're jealous that I have a nicer phone than you do," she accused him.
"Only because you stepped on mine," he snorted. Ellie didn't deny it and he leaned into her as she hugged him closer.
He could feel her watching him as he finished creating the new contact. His thumb paused on the screen, so it wouldn't lock itself until Ellie had read it. Tom hadn't understood, but she would.
"You can call this number if you or the boys ever need anything," he said and passed the smart phone over his shoulder to her. Ellie's arms fell away from him and he immediately felt the loss of her body heat. Taking off his glasses, he tiredly rubbed his eyelids with his index finger. It didn't help the sting.
"I donnae want you making the trip to see an empty hole and a pile of dirt," he told her firmly, his accent emphasizing the weight of his words, "And I donnae want you waiting for it or even thinking about it. But if you really need to hear it, I'll tell them to call you when I die."
Ellie didn't say anything and Alec was scared to look at her. He'd hoped that this would mentally prepare him to leave her and make him feel a wee bit better about it. Ellie rustled behind him. The bed shook and then the door to the loo slammed shut. He stared at the closed door and debated whether he should drag her out. But he'd wind up hurting her more than he already had.
Picking up his coat, he threw it across the room. He flopped onto the bed with an arm flung over his face and his glasses dangling from his fingers. It was a long time before his eyes stopped burning and even longer before the door cracked open. Her bare feet were noiseless on the carpet, but Alec could sense her at the edge of the bed, hovering over him.
"I'm not dead yet, in case you're wondering," he snapped, when the seconds stretched into minutes.
"Then why are you acting like it," she shot back and Alec lowered his arm to blink up at her. She was glowering with her arms crossed over her chest. He sat up too fast and immediately regretted it. The brief spike of pain in his chest was amplified by Ellie's wide-eyed panic and the flash of guilt that accompanied it. He grimaced as he settled against the headboard but dismissed the pills.
"It's not that bad," he insisted and tossed his glasses onto the nightstand. "Come here." He held his arms out for her and she went to him. It took them a moment to get comfortable again, as if Alec had upset a delicate balance, when he'd told her he didn't want her at his grave, but he'd have someone inform her when it was finally over.
"I was trying to help," he said, weaving his fingers through her snarled curls.
"That wasn't helpful, that was you being an insensitive knob," Ellie retorted and flinched when he got his finger stuck in a knot.
"Sorry," he apologized, carefully untangling it. "I don't know how to do this."
"Then stop trying to before you pull my hair out because your hand's shaking," she grumbled.
"That's not what I meant," Alec said, moving away from her and bending his knees like a wall between them. Resting his elbows atop his kneecaps, he laced his trembling fingers together in front of him.
"I don't know if I can do this," he explained.
"This?" Ellie frowned and sat up. "Alec, you're not making any sense." He pinched the bridge of his nose. Ellie dragged her nails through his hair and massaged the tight muscles between his shoulders until he came undone. Taking a deep breath, he confessed.
"I'm afraid to leave you."
Ellie stilled. The tick of his watch filled the room, counting down the precious seconds they had left together. His heart beat got louder and louder. When she finally spoke, her voice was barely audible over the pounding.
"I'm terrified of losing you."
She looped her arm through his and leaned against him. He saw the same raw fear reflected in her eyes and everything came to a halt.
"Don't go," she pleaded softly.
Alec reached over to cover her hand on his arm. She was frightened, but it wasn't simply because he was dying. For the last eleven months, they'd been there for each other. She'd broken down in his arms and he'd comforted her until he couldn't anymore. Now, she was the one holding him and Alec was the one who wasn't ready to let go. But she'd be fine.
"This is the hardest part," he admitted, rubbing his thumb over hers. "Once I'm gone and you've moved on, you'll be alright," he reassured her again, because it helped him to remember that this was what was best for her and her boys. Ellie disagreed, shaking her head and releasing his arm. Cupping his face between her hands, she looked him in the eye.
"You don't have to do this alone," she said, caressing his cheeks. There were tears in her eyes. "I know you're not ready to go and I know that you want to stay with me," she whispered, kissing his forehead. "You're scared, Alec. And so am I." Alec bit down hard on his lip as she blurred before him. He managed to hold himself together, barely. Ellie knew that he was defenseless; she had battled the fortress he'd built around himself until she'd shattered every last barrier between them. She could've handled him like a piece of glass and taken advantage of his fragility, but she offered him the choice that he hadn't allowed her.
"I understand that you have to see your daughter and your aunt. And I know that you don't like the idea of us taking care of you, especially with my children around, but I think you should come back, even if it's just to visit." She searched his face. Alec knew she saw his lip quivering between his teeth and how perilously close he was to crying, but she pretended that she didn't. Clumsily wiping the shining streak on her cheek with his palm, he focused on drying her tears so that he could control his own.
"You don't have to make a decision right now," she said, carding her fingers through his hair and soothing him. "All I'm asking is that you consider it. Can you do that for me?"
Alec nodded.
"We can discuss this after you see your daughter tomorrow, okay?"
He bowed his head and Ellie brushed her lips over his forehead again. Her touch was so light and tentative that he didn't notice when it stopped. Alec was grateful that she gave him the space he needed to pull himself together, but it killed him seeing her struggling to do the same with her head burrowed into a pillow. They didn't want to waste the time they had left with each other, breaking down all over again. Alec gingerly rubbed her back and paid for it with a shock of static electricity. Ellie shuddered and he saw sparks as she curled in on herself. Wordlessly, he aligned his body with hers, but he didn't dare do more than rest his hand on her shoulder. Eventually, she twisted around to look at him with dry eyes.
"You know what's strange," Ellie wondered. "I want you to live with us but I hardly know you."
There was no accusation in her eyes, or anger or fear. This wasn't about a breach of trust. Her face was open and curious.
"I'm not a stranger. You know me better than anyone else," he confessed, because it was true right now. She didn't know who he'd been before he came to Broadchurch, when he'd had a loving family and a successful career behind him. But even though he'd known her for less than a year, he felt like she'd been a part of his life and a part of himself for longer.
"I know," Ellie agreed. They were both aware that Alec had no desire to socially interact with anyone else except for his daughter, but even that was a heartbreakingly daunting task.
"You always seem so…" she trailed off, wrinkling her brow and seeking the right words. "You're always in a suit."
"That's not true," Alec protested, but Ellie interrupted him.
"I mean, you're dressed in layers. It's like you're afraid to take them off," she explained, laboring to make him understand.
"You had no problem getting them off," Alec reminded her, smirking and plucking an imaginary piece of lint from his jumper that she was wearing.
"I wasn't talking about that," she clarified and added, "Although that was more difficult than it should have been too."
Alec opened his mouth, but Ellie talked over him. "You didn't want me to call you Alec, and it wasn't just because you hate your name. And, it was months before I found out your daughter's name, and that was only because you made up a fairytale for my son."
"I didn't want to talk about her," Alec said and Ellie curled her hand over his.
"I understand." She stroked his knuckles with her thumb. "And I know that there are some things that you still don't want to talk about. There are things about myself that I don't want to talk about either." Alec couldn't help but speculate about what she might not be sharing with him, because he felt like she'd been forced to bare her soul to him. And yet he had only scratched the surface of who she was, even if it did seem like he'd known her for so much longer than eleven months.
She let go of his hand, pressing her palms together and tucking them beneath her cheek. Alec braced himself, waiting for her to verbally assault him, but Ellie remained silent. He stretched out his hand and replaced a tendril behind her ear.
"What do you want to know?" he queried.
She shrugged, leaving it up to him. Alec gently traced the lines and creases forming at the corners of her eyes and tried to imagine what she'd been like before they'd been there, before him, before Fred and Tom, and before she met the bastard that would wreck her happy life.
"My first case was a missing person's case," he began quietly.
"Really?"
Alec's mouth twitched as he nodded. He told her the story of when he was green and young and naïve in Scotland, and the lads had thought it would be hilarious to put him in charge of finding Bill.
"Did you find him?" Ellie wondered, her eyes round.
"Eventually," Alec recalled, cracking a smile. "Once I figured out that Bill was the name of a bloody llama."
Ellie roared with laughter and he grinned widely. In retrospect, it was comical but it had been humiliating. It had been years before he had been able to live it down. Listening to the ringing sound of Ellie's laughter, he thought that it had been worth every jibe and guffaw he'd endured over the years.
"What was yours?" he asked once the echo of her laughter had faded away. He wanted to know what she'd been like when she was young and untouched and new. He wanted to know everything.
"Another missing person's case," she admitted, hesitantly, "Sort of like yours but a bit weird." He was intrigued by the prospect that she could top his disastrous first, and Ellie reluctantly continued, "The woman was being haunted."
Alec's eyebrows shot up, but his interest had been peaked. Ellie tried to explain. "She lost her son. He was killed overseas and they shipped his ashes back in a box." Ellie exhaled heavily, but forced herself to go on, "Years later, this woman started receiving phone calls from her son."
"The same son that-"
Ellie nodded.
"A ghost story, eh?" Alec couldn't help his morbid curiosity.
"Something like that," she agreed and studied him. "The boys thought it'd be funny to throw that one at me. They thought she'd gone mad."
"Well, obviously," Alec stated drily. "People don't come back from the dead. I hope you didn't have to institutionalize her."
"No, Alec, someone was extorting her for money," Ellie snapped, glaring at him. "It was an open and shut case once I pointed it out to them. They got the guy. Turns out he'd done it before with another grieving mother…" She faltered, avoiding his gaze. Alec's heart sunk as he belatedly realized where this was headed. "Even after all those years, the woman couldn't accept that her son was dead. The man didn't sound like her son, or act like her son, or say anything that should've made her believe him; but after years of desperately longing and hoping that he wasn't dead, it was exactly what she wanted to hear…" The silence in the room was deafening. Ellie smoothed the sheet, analyzing the thread count. She sucked in a breath and finished her story, "She was willing to give up her life savings just to talk to him. I gave it all back to her and brought her in to see the guy and made him apologize, but she didn't want to hear the truth."
The minutes dragged out. They didn't believe in ghosts, not those kinds of ghosts, but there was one there with them. Now he was always there, shadowing Alec's every move until the day he'd finally cloak and smother Alec, snuffing out whatever Ellie and her boys had sparked that he thought he'd lost in Sandbrook.
"I should've changed the subject but you wanted to know," Ellie sniffled and shook her head. "Of all the questions you could've asked-"
"It's okay," he said, touching her cheek. He ran his knuckles over the curve of her face and struggled to think of something, anything to drive the ghost of his oncoming death from that room. "You don't believe in that crackpot nonsense, I mean ghosts and the boogey man. Do you?" he inquired, praying that she wasn't that silly.
"God, no," Ellie snorted and then after a moment, she poked him in the chest. "Don't you dare test me. No mysterious slamming doors, creaking floorboards, popping up in cemeteries or appearing in mirrors-" Alec rolled his eyes and leaned over. Yanking open the drawer in the nightstand beside him, he shuffled things around until he found the Bible. He dumped it onto the bed and Ellie stared at him as if he'd lost his bloody mind.
Dead serious, he gravely put one hand on the Bible and raised his other.
"I, Alec Hardy, solemnly swear that I will restrain myself from floating through walls, materializing in your bedroom at night, moaning and groaning and rattling pipes in the dark-" Ellie picked up the Bible and smacked him with it before he could go on. Alec burst out laughing.
"That's not funny!" She threw the book at him and Alec caught it against his chest. He couldn't stop laughing at her. Ellie fought valiantly against the tide of laughter, but she lost it when he started moaning and groaning. "Alec! You're such a-" He sloppily kissed her and she giggled. Tossing the book off the bed, he snogged her until they forgot what was so funny in the first place.
They were both smiling when they broke apart. Ellie's eyes were so impossibly bright that they seemed to sparkle. A memory would never do her or this moment justice and humans could only memorize so much. But Alec tried anyway, detailing and cataloguing everything about her. One last time.
"Ask me something else," he urged, drinking her in. Ellie considered the question, then her smile widened.
"First time you fell in love."
Alec couldn't recall the first time he fell in love, but he knew that this would be the last time.
"You," he said, seriously. Ellie's eyes widened and then she hit him.
"You're a bloody liar!"
Alec dodged her, sniggering.
"You had a wife, Alec. I'm assuming that you must've felt something for her if you married her," she reminded him, prodding his arm.
"Then why are you asking me?" he sighed.
"Oh, come on. You told me you didn't meet her until you were in your twenties, surely you must've had at least one girlfriend before then," she teased him, propping herself up on an elbow.
"Girlfriend," Alec repeated her, scrunching up his nose. "I never liked that term."
"Then what were they?" Ellie interrogated him. "Flames? Flings?"
"I don't know." Alec shrugged. He'd briefly dated a few girls and slept with one or two of them, but none of them had amounted to anything more than a couple of months, and nothing like what he'd had with Vicky or what he had with Ellie now… He looked at her and noted the frown that meant he'd screwed up somewhere.
"They weren't like you," he rushed to reassure her. "We didn't really talk," he defended himself, "just went to dinner and snogged…" He trailed off because he didn't know how to explain the difference and he was digging himself into a hole.
"You didn't even take me on a date," she realized, horrified. "I don't think you ever even flirted with me."
"I took you out," he protested. "Last weekend."
"I took you out," Ellie argued. "I think your eyes popped out of your head when you saw that I was in a skirt. You weren't expecting that."
"You had a boyfriend," he recalled with difficulty. It seemed like ages ago. Unsurprisingly, he couldn't remember the bloke's name. "And I did flirt with you."
Ellie arched her eyebrows and Alec scowled.
"I was flirting with you."
"Sure, you were," Ellie said, skeptic and grinning.
"I was!" Alec insisted vehemently. "I even got you flowers, chocolate and a bloody ring."
"If a dead flower ripped up from someone's garden, an after dinner chocolate stolen from a restaurant, and a bauble Fred tried to swallow was your idea of flirting-" He cut her off, tugging her toward him and into another kiss. He was forced to stop because Ellie was chortling. Alec hovered over her and impatiently waited until she was finished and ready to take him seriously.
"If I'd had time, I would've done things right," he said quietly, gazing at her. Ellie sobered up immediately. "I would've taken you on dates, and gotten you gifts, and I would've kept my promises, and taken care of the kids, and I wouldn't have let you down."
"Alec," Ellie sighed, "It's not about the dates or the gifts. I'm not expecting-"
"I would've treated you like you deserved to be treated," he interrupted her, his voice cracking. "I would've given you everything." He swallowed hard and mapped out her facial features with his eyes.
"This was not some fleeting fling or a quick shag," he told her. "Not for me."
Alec didn't tell her that he was in love with her. He didn't think he had to. He'd been showing her, well before he realized it himself. It was written and spoken in everything he'd done for her and her sons. It wasn't anywhere near enough, but it was all he had left to give.
"I still don't consider that flirting," she joked, "I think you can work on communication." Alec sighed again, exasperated.
"Not everything has to be verbal," he pointed out.
"Oh, really?" Ellie curved her hand at the nape of his neck, toying with his hair. He really should have gotten that haircut, because she was pushing the limits of his self-control whenever she got her fingers in his shaggy hair.
"I'm good at non-verbal communication," he practically purred, sliding his hand up her bare thigh. "Very good."
He proved it to her, flipping her onto her back. Ellie shrieked his name, laughing and squirming. And Alec let up, sniggering and so completely and utterly in love with her. They spent the next two hours tossing questions back and forth and Alec learned and memorized as much as he could about her. The melody of her voice lulled him and he closed his eyes on a smile he'd never forget. He fell asleep with his heart and mind full of her and he thought that he could've slipped away peacefully, right there within her arms.
Alec swore he wouldn't but he does haunt her. She's not sure where the bloody hell he is or in what plane of existence he's residing, but she's almost certain that in some way or form he's still with her.
Every time a door slams, she jumps. And on the few occasions she's gone back to Danny's grave, she half expects him to be there, gloomily lurking amongst the tombstones and watching her. She doesn't hear moaning and groaning, and the pipes don't rattle. He doesn't materialize in her bedroom, or float through walls, or pop up in mirrors. But somehow she still feels like he's watching her.
She thinks she sees him sometimes, but she always felt that way about Joe too. Her therapist tells her that it's normal when someone experiences a loss. And Ellie has lost a lot. She learns to live with it because she doesn't have a choice. It got better once she convinced herself that Joe was locked away. Alec's too hard to lock up; he roams through her dreams and on rare occasions follows her out of them. He never stays for more than a passing glance.
Except for one horrible night when she's so exhausted, so helpless, so alone and so scared. That's when she needs him.
And suddenly he's there.
She can't remember exactly what was said or what she threw at him or if she even saw his face, but she knows it was him. His palm was cool against her forehead and his woolen jumper was soft against her cheek. He stroked her hair and reassured her that everything would be alright, and Ellie would've sobbed tears of relief if she had any strength left in her aching body. He kissed her forehead and he told her that he loved her. Those three words accompanied by his touch and her name warmed her, chasing the chill from her bones and ending the cycle of nightmares.
When she opens her eyes to a bright room and a new day, things are better, much better, and Alec is gone.
Ellie would've thought it was only a dream. But Fred tells her that Daddy came to visit. She writes it off as another example of her son's expansive imagination. He believes in Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny, and sometimes he has imaginary playmates. Fred points out things in his coloring book that Daddy drew, and Ellie nods and checks his temperature.
And then Fred turns to a page where he's written out his name. Fred's smart, but not that smart. He hasn't quite gotten to reading or writing yet. Not even his name. But someone had scrawled it in shaky block letters as well as other simple words like "cat" and "dog". Tom's name is there and hers, but her last name's spelled wrong. And when she flips the page over –
Ellie drops the coloring book, spilling crayons everywhere.
She stares at it, shocked. Fred starts whining and Ellie is forced to pick it up for him, when all she wants to do is burn it.
Someone had taken great pains to write Keira and then below it Alec Hardy. It had to have been Tom, she tells herself, but he's written it out three times with the same unsteadiness that would've been expected of a child that didn't know how to hold a pencil properly. Perhaps it was her son and someone had taught him and never told her… Except at the very bottom is an attempt to mimic a signature that's alarmingly familiar to Ellie. She would know; she had to forge it when he'd distractedly forgotten to sign off on the bloody paperwork during the Latimer case.
That night Ellie keeps a vigil at her son's bedside with the coloring book lying out like bait. It's ridiculous but Ellie waits in the dark all night, anticipating a supernatural encounter with a ghost that might not have ever left. She never would've entertained the idea but she had felt like he'd been there in the room with her. Last night, she'd needed him, and she could almost believe that Alec would've fought through hell or high water just to reach her.
He doesn't come back.
Ellie doesn't know if she's relieved or disappointed. Upon further examination, she realizes that it can't possibly be Alec's handwriting and the signature's no more than another scribble. She silently breaks all the crayons and trashes them along with the coloring book. Tom turns red when she asks him if it was him, but fesses up to it with the excuse that Fred kept asking about Daddy. Ellie thinks he could be lying, but for the last two days, Fred's been screaming and wailing for Daddy. They're all relieved that he's better now, and that he's finally stopped.
Some days Fred tells her stories about his alleged adventures with Daddy, but other days Fred cries and asks when his Daddy is coming home. Those are the days that Ellie hates, but she always gives him the same answer.
"Not today."
A/N: Coloring books I hear are very good for stress relief. Personally, I find snapping crayons more satisfying but please don't try to throw them at me. You'll only damage the screen. The next one's 80% written so I should update a lot faster.