Chapter 36
Dr. Baker was trying not to be too hard on herself. Too keyed up from the Tutuola case, she headed back to the clinic in an attempt to be useful to someone on this fantastic failure of a day. In retrospect, she decided it would have been easier to just allow Olivia to believe the baby was dead all along instead of building her up on the remote chance that the baby had still been alive.
"DAMN IT!" she roared, banging her fist against the steering wheel. That felt good. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she sat at red light. She became an obstetrician because, on most days, she got to give more good news than bad news. But then there were days like today that just plain sucked. As the light turned green, she continued to creep her way uptown towards the clinic. She was bound to have a backlog of patients, many of whom were first-time mothers who were extremely nervous about their pregnancies.
When Dr. Baker reached the clinic, instead of heading straight for her own office, she stopped in Victoria Black's instead. The sparseness of the office made it seem cold and impersonal. Where Dr. Baker had a sleek, modern desk made of light materials and glass that practically disappeared in the office, the same acrylic-topped desk looked like a block of ice in this office. Instead of a comfortable, vibrant sitting area, Dr. Black had decorated in solid black with cold chrome accents, selecting the most uncomfortable furniture she could find. In fact, the only thing that looked inviting in the entire office was the ostentatious black leather chair behind the desk. In one corner, the office staff had stacked the boxes of methotrexate mysteriously ordered by Black.
Dr. Baker plucked the drug information card from the shipping papers and lowered herself into one of the rock-hard chairs as she started to read it. This product is not intended for use in pregnant or nursing women, the pamphlet read. Dr. Baker wasn't particularly surprised by this line, as it was commonly found in most drug information sheets. For use in the treatment of certain types of cancers, including..., the pamphlet continued. This was the part that puzzled Dr. Baker. Even the cases of ovarian and uterine cancer were referred to oncologists. She had worked closely with oncologists in the treatment of some of her patients, but chemotherapy was never administered here. The answer was held by those patients to whom it had been administered to.
Dr. Baker took the pamphlet with her and headed towards her own office to access the patient history from her own computer. She entered the drug, and the commands to bring up a list of all patients that had been administered methotrexate in her clinic.
No results found.
Her brow furrowed as she stared at the message on the screen. That was impossible. She tried again, this time searching for a list of patients who had been prescribed methotrexate. Surely if Dr. Black had ordered it, someone must be walking around with a prescription.
2 results found. Browne, Michelle. Simmons, Dorothy.
She didn't even need to bother with Dorothy Simmons. Mrs. Simmons, a 47-year-old woman, was one of Baker's patients who was being treated for an aggressive form of ovarian cancer. However, her treatments were administered at Mercy General Hospital, so the prescription existed, but had never been filled at the Manhattan Family Clinic. Michelle Browne was one of Dr. Black's patients, so she opened the patient chart. Michelle was in her thirties and diagnosed with uterine cancer. Her chart listed all of the lab results and tests that had been performed, and as Dr. Baker poured over the raw data, she came to the same conclusion. But again, she was being treated at Mercy, not here.
And yet, she felt like the answer was somewhere in front of her, but she just couldn't quite wrap her mind around it.
XxXxX
"MOMMY!" Tina shrieked as she ran towards the hospital bed containing a very sore Olivia. Tina quickly climbed onto the chair next to the bed and up next to Olivia.
"Hi, Baby," Olivia said, smiling for the first time in a while. Her sadness was temporarily lessened by the presence of the tiny child next to her. She wrapped her arms around Tina and held her as if her very life depended on it.
"Mommy…you're hurting me…" Tina said with a slight frown. Olivia released her grip slightly, mumbling an apology, but still held Tina close.
"Hi, Olivia," Kathy said, standing in the doorway.
"Hey, Kathy. Thanks for bring her in," Olivia said, trying her best to feign happiness. Kathy noticed that Olivia's eyes were swollen and her face was still red and streaked with tear stains.
"No problem. In fact, why don't I find Elliot and grab a cup of coffee so you two can spend some time together," Kathy said.
"Thanks, Kathy," Olivia said. She turned her attention back towards the child wrapped in her arms.
"I wanna go home, Mommy," Tina said the minute Kathy left.
"Oh, I know you do, Sweetheart. But aren't you having fun with Eli?" Olivia asked. Tina shrugged.
"He's ok. But I wanna sleep in my princess room and watch Cinderella and play with my Barbie and wear girl pajama and sleep with Munchy Bear," Tina whined. "And I want you to read me my story and sing to me and…and…and…um…"
"Ok, ok, I get it," Olivia said with a chuckle. "I wanna go home, too."
"Then let's go!" Tina said, taking Olivia's hand and starting to drag her out of bed.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Olivia said, pulling Tina back to her. "I can't leave just yet." Tina huffed and crossed her arms across her chest.
"Why not?" she pouted. "You don't look sick to me."
"Tina, Mommy just…Mommy's…" Olivia was trying to bite back the tears as her brain searched for a way to explain what was happening to her young daughter. "The doctors want to make sure Mommy is completely better before I can go home. You don't want me to get sick again, do you?"
"Did the bad men make you sick?" Tina asked in a fearful whisper. Olivia's voice caught in her throat and tears pricked at her eyes. She didn't want Tina to see her cry, but she was dangerously close to losing control over it. So, she simply nodded.
"Hey, listen," Olivia said, changing the topic. "Daddy doesn't have to stay at the hospital anymore, so you can go home with him."
"But I want you. Can I stay here with you?" Tina asked.
"Don't you want to go home with Daddy?" Olivia asked. Tina huffed. She was frustrated because Olivia just didn't understand.
"I want BOTH of you to come home," Tina said.
"So do I, Baby. So do I," Olivia said softly, hugging Tina again.
XxXxX
"So, how is she?" Kathy asked as she sat across from Elliot in the hospital cafeteria. Two steaming Styrofoam cups sat in front of them filled with bad coffee that neither paid much attention to.
"It was bad, Kath," Elliot answered, fidgeting with the spoon as he gathered his thoughts.
"They took her down there, and…everything that could've gone wrong did, it seems like," he told her.
"What happened?" Kathy asked softly.
"The baby…he was born alive," Elliot said, still in a slight state of disbelief that this had happened at all. "He lived for 9 minutes, the doctor said before he…" Kathy reached out and covered his hand with one of hers. "He never stood a chance." Kathy had expected this sort of outcome, but it didn't make the news any easier to process.
"How did Olivia and Fin take it?" she asked. Elliot sort of shrugged before he answered her.
"Fin tried to beat up the side of the hospital and did a number on his good hand, but Liv…Olivia wanted that child so bad," he told her. His heart was breaking for her. He had gotten just as excited as she had over the prospect of being pregnant again.
"That's horrible. But, they've been down this road before. They'll be ok, with time," Kathy assured him.
"No, Kath…this time…Olivia can't have any more children," Elliot blurted out. Kathy's brow furrowed.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"She…there were complications with the delivery. They had to operate, and she lost her uterus," Elliot explained to her. Kathy's jaw dropped, and she quickly covered her mouth. "Fin's been trying to talk to her, but she just doesn't want to talk to him. All he wants to do is grieve with her and support her, and she just keeps pushing him away."
"That's why Fin wasn't with her when I dropped Tina off," Kathy concluded. Elliot nodded.
"It's understandable. She and I have both seen this thousands of times. A woman is raped, and she starts to push every man in her life away, including her boyfriend or husband. But Fin has a right to mourn his child, too," Elliot told her.
"They really put her through the ringer, didn't they?" Kathy asked softly.
"I just don't know if she'll ever be the same again," Elliot said glumly.
"She probably a won't be the same again, but she's strong. She'll get through this, with the love and support of her friends and family." Kathy assured him.
All Elliot could was smile, and be secretly grateful that nothing like this had ever happened to his wife or children.
XxXxX
"How're my two favorite girls?" Fin asked with a smile as he entered Olivia's room.
"DADDY!" Tina exclaimed, but she was reluctant to abandon her place on Olivia's hospital bed.
"I have a special surprise for you, Princess," he said.
"What is it?" Tina asked suspiciously.
"We're going home," he said.
"Really? When?" she asked, bouncing excitedly. Next to her, Olivia clutched her aching belly and wrapped an arm around Tina to settle her.
"Easy, Baby...it hurts when you do that," she told Tina.
"We're going home tonight, Tina. You and me," Fin told her. A puzzled look crossed Tina's face.
"What about Mommy?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Well, Mommy's going to have to stay here for just a little while longer, but we can go home, and you can sleep in your own bed again. How does that sound?" he said.
"Don't you wanna go home with Daddy?" Olivia asked, pulling her daughter closer to her.
"Well...I really want you to. Come home with us," Tina explained.
"Oh, I know you do, Sweetheart. I want to come home with you, too. But, you'll have a good time with Daddy, and I'll be home before you know it," Olivia said, trying to cheer Tina up as much as she could.
"I guess," Tina said glumly. She was happy to finally be going home, but she just didn't seem happy unless Olivia was present.
"You know, I could stay, if you want," Fin said,offering his company once again. And yet, Olivia still didn't want to spend much time with him. It hurt, but he was trying to understand where she was coming from, and he knew that it would take her a while to relax enough to want truly feel comfortable again.
"No, it's ok. Tina needs to go to bed soon," Olivia answered, in the same detached tone she had before.
"All right. Kathy headed back to Queens, but Elliot said he'd stay with you through the night, in case you need anything," Fin told her.
"Thanks," was her only reply.
XxXxX
Fin put the key in the lock and took a deep breath as he threw the lock on the apartment door. He knew that the police would have gone over everything while they were missing, and he wasn't sure what kind of shape the place would be in now. as the door opened, he took in the absolutely pristine condition of the apartment, and thanked his lucky stars that his friends must have clean up after the crime scene techs had finished their work.
"Ok, Tina," he said, lowering her to the floor. "I think it's time to get you into your pajamas." He took her gently by the hand and led her into her bedroom. He began the familiar bedtime ritual Olivia usually handled and led her over to the bureau. "Which pajamas do you want to wear tonight?" he asked. Tina shrugged and clutched her doll closer to her. Kathy had been kind enough to bring along Tina's things when they met at the hospital.
"Minnie Mouse?" Fin suggested, pointing to one set. Tina shook her head. "Cinderella?" he tried again. Tina shrugged again. "Winnie the Pooh?". Again, Tina shrugged.
"I want Mommy," Tina finally said softly.
"I know you do," Fin said. And suddenly, and idea struck him. "Stay here for a minute, Tina," he said, racing from her room. He headed to his own bedroom where he yanked open Olivia's drawer and quickly found what he was looking for: a battered NYPD T-shirt with "Benson" stenciled across the back that Olivia loved to wear around the house.
"Tina, how would you like to wear this to bed tonight?" he asked, holding up the T-shirt. Tina's face lit up immediately.
"Can I?" she asked excitedly.
"Sure," Fin said, helping her into the oversized shirt. She was so small, the shirt swam on her and hung down to her knees, but she didn't care. Wearing that particular shirt was like having a piece of her mother right there with her, as demonstrated by the enormous grin on her face.
"Daddy, read me a story," Tina said, anticipating the next step of the routine. fin had forgotten to make sure she brushed her teeth, but since that was Tina's least favorite part of getting ready for bed, she didn't bother to mind him.
"Ok, Baby, what do you want to read?" he asked, thoroughly expecting her to pull her favorite copy of Cinderella from the shelf.
"This one," Tina said, surprising him by holding up one of his favorite stories, but not one she requested particularly often.
"That one? Really? Why that one, Tina?" he asked. She shrugged.
"I like the way you do the voices," she said. Fin couldn't argue with that.
"Ok, hop into bed," he said, taking the book from her. She climbed into her familiar pink, twin sized bed. fin gently pulled the covers around her and settled himself against her headboard so that he could put an arm around her as he read.
"Beauty and the Beast," he began, opening the cover. "Once upon a time, in a far off land, there lived a handsome prince. The prince had all he could ever want in wealth and looks, but he was conceited and looked down on the villagers around him..." Fin continued to read, using his "funny voices," as Tina called them for each of the different characters. Soon, her eyes began to droop, and she was fast asleep. Fin gently settled her in her bed, pulled the covers up around her, kissed her on the forehead, and padded towards his own room. Even though it was still early, he felt exhausted. He changed into his own pajamas, and as he was coming out of the bathroom, a familiar picture frame caught his eye. He lowered himself on the bed and picked up the frame, studying the couple in the photo, particularly the smiling brunette draped in white.
Five years ago...
Fin had been nervous all day. He was afraid that she would back out at the last minute, or the church would lose the reservations, or the caterers wouldn't arrive, but now, standing next to the altar in his tuxedo with Ken next to him as his best man, he was finally starting to relax. The wedding processional started, the doors opened, and Melinda Warner and Munch were walking towards him. They reached the end of the aisle, and he could see Casey Novak and Chester Lake behind them. Chester was still relatively new to SVU at that time, but he and Fin had developed a close working relationship quickly, so it seemed only appropriate to ask him to be a groomsman. behind them was his sister and Simon, and then Alex, as Main of Honor, made her way down the aisle alone, draped in the same pale purple dresses all of the other women wore.
The music changed, the congregation stood, and there she was. He gasped as he saw her barely visible face through the white veil, her body tastefully, but seductively encased in layers upon layers of white silk and lace, accented by tiny pearls. He barely even noticed Elliot standing next to her. Without a father or any other close male relatives in her life, she had asked Elliot to be the one to give her away, claiming that he had been like a brother to her for years. Fin wasn't sure who had a happier expression of the two. All he knew was that he couldn't believe that this incredibly beautiful women - inside and out - was going to be his wife in less than an hour. Fin couldn't help the smile that graced his lips as she finally stopped in front of him.
"Hey," he whispered softly. A smile grew on her face that added to her already exquisite beauty.
"Hey," she breathed back.
"Who gives this woman away?" the minister asked, and they all heard Elliot inhale deeply.
"I do," he announced in a clear loud voice. Elliot turned towards Fin and gave him a curt nod.
"Take care of her."
"Always," Fin promised, meaning the word with every fiber of his being. He watched as Elliot and Olivia embraced briefly before Fin took her by the hand and faced one another.
"You look beautiful," he told her, hardly able to concentrate on the minister's words. His only focus was on her. As it would be for the rest of his life. Olivia, never being one for compliments, blushed slightly and Fin couldn't help but chuckle as he took her other hand in his.
"Thank you."
"Would it be wrong if I leaned in and kissed you right now?" Fin asked, his voice just loud enough for her to hear. Olivia laughed softly and nodded.
"Yeah, just a little bit."
"Okay thought so. Just checking, Baby Girl." Olivia laughed quietly again before both grew silent and waited for when they would have to say their vows. He had written them and rewritten them at least a dozen times, wanting to make absolutely certain that they were perfect. He only had one chance to get it right. Neither one had seen what the other had written, wanting to keep the surprise until this moment.
It was Olivia's turn first. She spoke softly and quietly, as if her words were for only Fin, no one else. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
"Odafin Tutuola, I didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as I love you. You reached in, during my darkest hour, and rescued me from a place I wasn't sure I would ever find my way back from on my own. Since that time, I have wanted nothing more than to share everything with you - my heart, my body, and my soul. I pledge to stand by your side, sharing the good times and the bad, for better or for worse, all the days of my life." A tear was making its way down her cheek, adding to the raw emotion and sincerity of the words she spoke.
"Olivia Benson, we've been friends for a long time, and over the years, I've grown to know the amazing woman you are. You told me once about the imperfect childhood you had, and I want to spend the rest of my life treating you the way you should have been treated all along - with dignity, respect, and unconditional love. I vow to be the one you can depend on, in good times and bad, forever.". He was trying not to let the emotion show through too much, but his voice cracked slightly at his profession of love. The rest of the ceremony was a blur. All he could focus on was Olivia, and the utter happiness that radiated all around her.
"by the power vested in my by the State of New York, I know pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride," the minister finally said. This was it. She was actually his wife. He leaned forward and placed his lips gently on hers. Then, swept up in the energy of the day and catching her completely off guard, he twisted her body into a dip. She responded with a slight shriek, but was giggling when they broke apart. He gently took her arm and face the crowd of friends and family, trying not to focus too much on the scowl on Tianna's face. Instead, the two of them headed out of the church to begin their new lives together.
"Daddy..." came a soft voice, jerking Fin out of the memory. Tina was standing in his doorway, clutching her blankie and doll, rubbing her eyes.
"What's the matter, Baby?" he asked, setting the photo back on the nightstand.
"I can't sleep. Can I stay in here with you?" she asked. Even though Olivia insisted that Tina sleep in her own bed, even if a parent was with her, Fin just couldn't bring himself to follow that rule tonight.
"Sure, Baby," Fin selected a DVD to play on his bedroom TV, and climbed into bed next to his daughter.
"Oz!" Tina exclaimed when the movie started. Fin just smiled and let her snuggle closer to him. "Daddy?" Tina said as Dorothy skipped down the road on the screen.
"What, Honey?" Fin asked.
"I miss Mommy," she said. Fin he'd her closer to him for a minute.
"So do I, Baby. So do I." By the time the four characters had began walking into the Wizard's Chamber for the first time, Tina's eyes had closed and her thumb was in it's customary place in her mouth. Fin reached over, shut off the TV, and turned the light on so Tina would have some sort of nightlight if she woke up in the middle of the night. He brought the covers up over her before he reached over and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"I love you, Tina," whispered Fin gently.
"I love you too, Daddy," she muttered sleepily back before she rolled over, grabbed a hold of his shirt, and fell asleep. With those four words bringing him the first genuine smile he had since he had held Olivia after he had been given the news that their son didn't make it, he fell into a blissful sleep.