"A Figment of the Imagination"
Syaoran could see Sakura fiddling with her hands nervously from the corner of his eyes as he tried to keep his attention on the road.
He reached over with the hand nearest to hers and grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently. "Everything's going to be alright," he said, remembering her use that quote in the past.
It always served to make him feel fine in situations that were overwhelming, so he hoped it worked the same for her too.
She turned her hand over, grabbing his tightly. "I..."
He could hear the nervousness in her tone, so he decided not to pressure her into speaking on how she is feeling right now. One side of himself told him that she felt petrified, while the ugly green-eyed monster told him that she felt excited and anxious to see her ex-lover.
Stop it!
No matter how much he tried to convince himself that she had been over the man, he still felt that fear and jealousy in his heart.
Seeing how anxious she was at the hotel washed all his security and happiness away.
He had been surprised by her sudden attack when he came back from seeing Eichii. She had been going on about some nonsense about Akinari being his therapist and them being together finally. The moment she said she wanted to be with him, the thought of her seeing Eichii again vanished.
She had finally admitted that she wants to be with him. Nothing had ever sounded so right before that.
It was only when she said that, that also made him realize they could not just be together until she settled her issues with the man at the institution. And that was why he stopped them from making love again.
He felt that he would have betrayed her if he slept with her and then told her that Eichii is alive.
They needed to settle this, even if he did not feel the least bit happy about her seeing the man again. There was no way they could just get together, considering how Sakura had been so indecisive these days. She may be saying they could be together right now, but in a few hours, she could be breaking his heart again by telling him they could not be together.
Sakura needed to get her own problems under control before he could come into the picture. It may have taken him a while to learn this, but he knew better than to go right along with Sakura and her spontaneous decisions these days.
"You'll be fine. Trust me," he said again, squeezing her hand one last time.
The rest of the ride to the hospital was quiet with them holding the others hand in a comforting manner.
Every time she squeezed his hand, it felt like she was trying to tell him not to worry; but then again, assumptions would have him hurt in the end again.
He would just have to trust her with this one thing. If she was over him, like she said, he had nothing to worry about.
Nothing to worry about…
The moment he pulled up to the institution, he put the car in park and turned to her with a pleading look in his eyes. He realized he did have something to worry about. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked, wanting to make sure she feels alright with this.
Another side of him wanted her to say no so he would not have to fear her falling for Eichii all over again with just the sight of him.
Sakura stared in his eyes with a determined look in her eyes. "Of course I'm sure about this..." She stopped before her eyes squinted at him. "You're worried that...?"
When she did not finish, Syaoran knew exactly what she is asking him. "I..."
A sad smile formed on her lips as her eyes watered a bit. "You don't have anything to worry about."
Hearing the sincerity in her tone relieved the jealousy in his heart. A little. "Sakura..." he called.
She stared at him, waiting for him to continue.
"I..." He took a deep breath and released it. "I just want you to know that I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what you go through or choose to do..."
She smiled at him gratefully and leaned over towards him, kissing his lips gently. She pulled back before he could even respond. "I know what I want, Syaoran. I promise this won't change a thing about my decision," she promised.
For some reason, he felt that he could not truly believe that. But because she said it, he would try to.
He nodded, caressing her face gently. "We should go in, then," he said.
She forced a smile on her face, making him realize how she was trying her best to act normal and keep it together for the first time.
He just hoped she could when she finally sees him, because he had a hard time doing so earlier.
Gloomy skies with the fog hiding the sun from his eyes is the only thing Eichii could concentrate on.
His chest felt beyond heavy, knowing that she would be coming here any minute now. If the doctors allowed her in, of course.
He stared out the window for a few more moments before he moved away from the window. He looked around the room, seeing all the other patients he had grown quite familiar with over the years.
This was his family now.
"Are you good, man?" he heard a familiar voice ask beside him.
He turned to the direction of the voice and smiled. "Who let the tiger out of the cage?" he asked.
The boy in front of him shrugged with a grin on his face. "I'm not plotting anything. I just wanted to come and see you. My stalkers are right there," the boy nodded behind him.
Eichii looked behind him, seeing a nurse and a few others standing close by to watch him.
"You don't really care about how I'm doing. Why are you really here? I know the doctors didn't believe you when you said you wanted to socialize and check in on me, Koizuru," Eichii said.
The boy in front of him had been an acquaintance over the years. They had met after a group session one day six years ago.
Apparently, Koizuru had been struggling with depression just as much as he had at the time. The only difference between them is that Koizuru was known as a psychopath around here. He had attempted to kill his parents in the past, so he had been admitted.
Eichii never wanted to know the details of his past, so he just stuck to the basics.
Over the years, they had grown quite comfortable with each other from the few times they had seen each other because he knew how devious the boy could be.
"I heard the she-devil was visiting today," Koizuru said, making Eichii chuckle.
"She is anything but the devil. How did you hear about it?"
Koizuru shrugged nonchalantly. "Another patient overheard your conversation with that doctor who was here earlier. I just heard the name Sakura and you having a visitor coming, so I'm only putting two and two together," he said. "Am I right?"
"What are you trying to get at?" Eichii asked, lowering his voice when he noticed the gleam in his eyes.
"She could be our way out of this hell hole," Eichii whispered very lowly.
Eichii chuckled, shaking his head.
Koizuru had been trying to get out of there since he got in and often talked about it with him.
"How are you purposing she could help us out?" Eichii asked, just to enlighten the man. He would never even dream of helping Koizuru escape. He really needed to be here.
"She's a psychologist, right?"
Eichii clenched his jaw, instantly being reminded of all the times she tried to help him in the past. It was just something about the word "psychologist" that always sets him off, knowing that they are the ones who are supposed to be compassionate.
At the time, she was not even a psychologist; just studying to be one. Yet, she had been trying to help him like one.
"What does that have to do with anything?" he asked.
Koizuru smirked at him.
Instead of responding, Eichii just rolled his eyes and shook his head. He knew exactly what the boy's trying to tell him to do. There was no way he would manipulate and drag Sakura into this mess.
"Alright, Koizuru," He heard one of the nurse say behind them.
Koizuru sighed in annoyance. " I'll see you next year, I guess," Koizuru said sarcastically, making Eichii chuckle.
They did not really see each other much, but only because the boy really is a lunatic.
Once they left him alone, Eichii sighed, feeling the dark fog of clouds creep back over his existence.
Sakura would be here any minute, reminding him of his horrible past.
At that thought, he had the sudden urge to bang his head against a wall.
He hated blaming her for everything because, really, it was never truly her fault for anything that had happened to him. He had come to terms over the years that it had never been her fault.
He felt awful about himself for blaming her and the actions he had committed up to that point of almost killing himself. Blaming an innocent person for all the things wrong with him had been his biggest mistake.
He knew Sakura never deserved that kind of treatment from anyone. Sakura never should have had to live with the demons Syaoran claimed she has had over the years because of his 'death'. She deserved none of what he had given to her over all those years, even up until now.
There was nothing in this world that he could do to make it up to her. So, he made the decision about what the least thing he could do for her.
Because Sakura had been nothing but good to him in the past, he thought that she at least deserves some form of closure. So, that is why he agreed to let her know he had been alive for all these years. He wanted her to see that he is not the man she believe he is. He wanted her to see that everything she did in the past paid off.
He took a deep breath, feeling his heart clench in his chest at the memories of their past swimming in his head.
I can do this.
"Mr. Koishiyo?" he heard a familiar nurse aid call behind him. "Are you up to par for visitors? I believe the young gentleman who was here earlier is back with another young woman. Is that alright with you?"
He closed his eyes before taking a deep breath to steady his racing heart. "Yes, ma'am."
"Sakura, you have to calm down," Syaoran said quietly, squeezing her hand tightly.
Sakura took a deep breath and then released it. She had not been able to stop fidgeting and being jumpy since they walked in the hospital. She looked like an addict going through withdrawals. "You're right. I know," she said, feeling the palms of her hand form sweat.
She released Syaoran's hand, needing to have some space to herself. When she caught his eye, she could see a cloud of sadness flash through them before he released her hand.
She could tell that he took it personally, but there was nothing she could tell him to comfort him right now.
She was not sure what he had going on in his head about all of this. She had already told him that he had nothing to worry about, but Syaoran seemed to have this habit of thinking that she would leave him to be with another man.
She may have given him reason to think that she might leave him, but for another person? She never did anything to make him think that she might be with another person. She never even thought of talking to another man before she met him.
She could not help but feel like there was an underlying issue to his paranoia.
She wanted to ask him if an ex had left him in the past before, but knew it was not the appropriate time for that.
Of course it's not, moron! You're going to see Eichii right now.
Her heart almost stopped beating in her chest at that thought. Her mind could not properly process everything going on right now. It felt like it was too much.
She actually expected herself to act much worse than this, but it seemed like her brain had not registered the news yet fully. She could tell that her raging heart has, though.
"Sakura," she heard Syaoran's voice call.
Her trance was broken before she looked ahead of them, only to have her breath knocked right out of her. Her heart nearly dropped to her feet as her eyes took in the first thing they could see; the familiar golden locks on the man's head.
Her eyes traveled down to his marble blue eyes after sucking in the crease of his forehead. They studied all the way down to the familiar lips she could almost remember on her own years ago.
Everything looked the same about him. Hardly any blemishes tainted his pale skin, almost making her envy his perfection like she used to.
She could not tell if he truly looks this beautiful or if something was off in her head.
When her eyes fell down to his chest, seeing the healthy patterns of his breathing, she knew it was just in her mind because everything looked enhanced on him.
She found it hard to process the man standing in front of her...breathing...alive without a bullet in his head.
She could not tell if she felt happy, sad, or angry about him still being alive in front of her.
One side of her wanted to punch the living daylights out of him, while another side wanted to grab him and touch every part of his body, just to feel his warm conscious body.
Her eyes drifted back to his marble eyes, only to see a look of mirth in his eyes. "I didn't expect to see you looking so in distraught about seeing me," his masculine voice boomed in her ears.
She could feel a wave of chills glide down her entire body.
"I..." She stood frozen with her mouth slightly gaped. She was at a loss for words.
"You look the same, minus the horror-filled expression," he said casually, making her lips purse at his witty comments.
"How has it been six years and that mouth of yours hasn't changed one bit?" she remarked.
"There it is," Eichii said, flashing her his charming smile.
Her cheeks warmed just as they used to before she heard someone beside her clear their throat.
She turned to see a tight expression on Syaoran's face. She dropped her hand, grabbing his. "You've met Syaoran, right?" she asked, trying to avoid the awkwardness of their situation, yet it created one. "I mean…" She closed her eyes. "…of course you guys have met. That's the reason I'm here, huh? I don't know what I was thinking saying tha—"
Eichii burst out laughing, making her look at him surprised by his outburst. "You're still so adorable," he said after composing himself. "I'm sorry, Dr. Li. I mean well and will respect your wishes."
Sakura's brows scrunched together, wondering if she had missed something. She had not heard them exchange any words to each other, so she was confused by his statement.
"Could I borrow Sakura for a few moments, though? We did agree to this," Eichii asked, looking Syaoran in his eyes as if he were trying to deliver a message without saying it.
Sakura wanted to ask what they agreed to but realized that she could not even find her own voice.
Syaoran's grip tightened on hers, making her realize he felt extremely uncomfortable with that. Instead of voicing his frustrations, he turned to her. "Sakura?" he asked, looking her in the eyes.
She could almost hear him begging her to say no by the pleading look in his eyes. She knew he could not be there for this, though. This was their business; no one else's because no one knew in depth about what had happened between them. No one knew everything that went on behind closed doors.
"Yes," she said.
His grip tightened on hers again, almost cutting off her circulation before he loosened it a little.
She turned her body towards his completely and reached up to grab his face with her other hand. She stood on her tip toes and kissed his lips very lightly before whispering against them, "I'm sorry, but I have to do this alone."
They stared in each other's eyes before Syaoran closed his tightly and nodded his head. "You're right. I trust you," he said, though it sounded like he did not mean it.
She smiled at him sadly. "Good."
He closed the gap between their lips one last time briefly before he broke apart from her, releasing her hand.
For a moment, Sakura had forgotten where they were and who was around until she turned back to the man in front of her.
She thought that she might feel uncomfortable displaying such affection in front of her ex-lover with her current lover, but she had not, because she knew she had to. For Syaoran's sake, at least.
"We'll just be over there," Eichii pointed towards an area where him and Sakura would have some privacy.
Sakura looked at Syaoran, seeing his jaw set tightly as if he were holding himself back from spitting out a few venomous words.
He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then nodded.
"It'll be fine," Sakura whispered to him one last time.
A forced smile appeared on his lips before he nodded again. "I'll be over here," He motioned to a seat that is facing the tv.
Sakura returned the smile before turning to Eichii.
He grinned at her before motioning her to follow him.
Once they settled in the seats by the window, Eichii released a sigh. "That guys really in love with you," he started off.
Sakura looked at him, raising a brow. "Hmm..."
"He has some serious balls coming here to meet me," he said comically.
"Syaoran's a really kind man. You have to really know him to see that he does care about you a lot," she said, deciding to open up a little to ease the tension between them.
"I can tell he cares about you," he said, placing emphasis on her.
"He does," she agreed.
It became silent after that, building the tension in her chest. She could not tell what he was trying to get at by talking about Syaoran like that.
"So, I'm here because I'm clearly a loony," he said in a joking tone.
Sakura looked at him with a serious expression on her face now, feeling triggered by his nonchalant behavior about this. "This is no laughing matter," she said, not caring that he would know how upset she felt about this.
For six years, she had been beating herself up about him dying; blaming herself for his death when he had been here this entire time. Alive and well, apparently.
She could not help but feel like the gods had been playing a cruel joke on her, laughing at her pain from above.
And here he sat, trying to make a joke about it.
He was quiet for a moment as if he were thinking about something. "You're right. I admitted myself," he said seriously now, seeming to detect her attitude.
For some reason, that made her even more upset. "Why?"
"Because I felt that this would be best for me...and you," he said the last part quietly.
She could nearly feel the breath being knocked out of her, again, at that statement. "Me?" she asked breathless. "You did this...for me?"
Eichii did not say anything.
"What the hell..." she whispered quietly, feeling the back of her eyes burn with angry tears so quick and suddenly.
"It was for me mostly, Sakura. I knew that...I wasn't good for you or myself. All I ever did was hurt you and myself, so I...I just wanted to get away from you so you could be safe and a part of me still wanted to live back then, so I came here," he said the last part quietly.
"And you had a right to decide what was best for me?" she asked unbelievingly. She had not expected them to jump straight to this conversation so fast, but then she remembered that this is the only reason she wanted to see him.
"I know, it sounds…wrong, but that's what I thought at the time of everything going on…" he trailed off, letting her mind wander.
She could not understand if his intentions were to truly kill himself, or just to attempt to, and leave her high and dry like he had over these years.
"W-What about the gun? Didn't you...p-pull the trigger? Didn't you..." she stammered over her words, not sure how to process any of this.
"How do..." He looked at her confused now, seeming lost. "You were dead when that happened, Sakura. How do you know I did that?" he asked incredulously.
She swallowed, thinking back on that night. "I don't know. Something weird happened," she decided to settle with.
She could remember seeing herself lie dead on that bed. She had done everything to convince herself to fight through and come back to her senses. Yet, her subconscious told her to open the door of death to end all of her pain and misery.
"I really did think you were...and I knew I couldn't live without you. There was no way I could after everything you had done for me. I lived every day for you. Hell, every breath I took was for you, so I...after I came down from one of my episodes...I realized I had...and you were..." He closed his eyes tightly as if he were in pain thinking about the situation. He shook his head vigorously. "I knew I couldn't live without you, so I had to end it all..."
She clenched her jaw, feeling her lip begin to tremble. "You..." She closed her eyes, not able to take this pain in her chest. "You came here instead of letting me know that you were okay."
Despite his efforts to let her know how much he really did love her at the time, all she could think and feel was the lie that she had been believing all these years.
"It was selfish of me, I know that, but it's all I could think of. I knew you would never end it—"
"I would have if you had just said it," she hissed quietly so no one could hear her.
She wanted to do so much more, though. She wanted to scream at him; hit him, strangle him, yet hug him and tell him how happy she feels to see him alive.
Her emotions were all over the place right now.
"Why didn't you just say it?" she whispered brokenly.
"I loved you too much to just end it with you. We were about to get married. Of course I couldn't just say I wanted to end us—"
"So you put a gun to your head after you strangle me instead and then live and hide from me?" she asked, feeling the dam almost break loose. "Was I so bad to the point that you wanted to hide from me in a mental hospital?"
Eichii's eyes softened after she choked over her words as the pain reached her voice. "No, it's never been you. It was all me and I was the coward who ran and hid because I couldn't face what I knew had to happen," he said sadly.
She took a deep shaky breath. "Six years..." she said quietly. "Six years and you've been...I just...how could I ever believe..."
Eichii held up his hand towards her. "Touch me."
Her eyes widened, surprised to hear him voice what she desperately needed to do.
"Maybe it'll help you believe," he said.
She remained still for a moment before she realized she needed to do this for herself.
Slowly, she raised her hand towards his. Hesitantly, the tips of her finger brushed against the soft pads of his fingers.
Her breath caught in her throat; hands feeling the warm skin beneath her fingers. Her fingers grew bolder, sliding down to his palms before they shifted back up to his fingers.
She interlocked their hands together and the dam suddenly broke as the realization that the man she almost dreamed about every night is alive.
"You're really alive," she said brokenly, not caring that people may look at her weirdly.
"I'm alive," he confirmed, gently squeezing her hand.
Her other hand suddenly moved up to touch his face, caressing his cheeks gently before her fingers started touching the rest of his face.
More tears poured from her eyes the more she touched him, making her realize how much she really is happy to feel him alive.
"I...I don't know how to process this. How could you hide from me for this long?" she whispered.
"I don't know. I...I do think about you every day and I miss you every single second of the day, but I..."
She closed her eyes, waiting for him to say what she knew he would say next.
"I love you too much to put you through any more pain than I already have," he said.
Her heart clenched in her chest, hearing the honesty in his voice.
"I just...I need you to be honest with me," she said.
She knew she could not hold on to those words. She had already moved on with her life now, so taking those words to heart would serve her no justice. She just needed the truth out of all of this.
"I'm ready to tell you," he said, already knowing what she wanted to know.
She took a shaky breath, nodding her head for him to continue.
"There was this...girl over there. One of the kindest people you'll ever meet. She had been so...sweet. She was the only person who made me feel sane over there. There was so much I'd seen, so much I had to do. I killed people; saw people I know get killed. I saw innocent people's bodies getting blown away. There was countless of times where I almost died. There was just...so much I'd seen, so I was already fucked in the head. The only sane thing over there was the girl who had been hiding from the terrorist. She was the only light I could see over there and I...destroyed that," he said the last part angrily.
Sakura swallowed, watching him tell the story as so many different emotions flashed across his face.
She released his gripping hand and moved her hand from his face to give him space. He may have been here, but that sure gave her no reason to believe that he would not hurt her anymore. She had been there and done that countless of times in the past.
"I...got her killed. I had gone out to her hiding spot because she said she had a surprise for me. One of the troopers must've spotted me, because that was the only way her spot could've been exposed. So they..." He stopped, taking a deep breath.
"I lost her in one of the most awful ways and I…when I lost her, I couldn't see that light anymore once she was gone. Everything was dark again, so I...lost it. When I got back here and finally saw you again...I was reminded all over again why I saw the light in her. It was because she reminded me so much of you," he said.
Her breath caught in her throat at that statement, as her mind already knew where this was going before he had even said it.
"So, seeing you started to remind me of her, and thinking of her just reminded me of all the shit I went through over there and I...the light was gone, Sakura. You guys were almost the exact person and that's why it's so hard for me to...look at you because I see you guys as one person and I don't want to think about those things over there anymore. I don't want to think about…" Eichii stopped again, making Sakura look at him.
She could see his face turning scarlet red and his hands were pale as he clenched his fist.
She could tell that he was at his limits of telling this story.
"Okay," she said softly.
"I didn't mean to hurt you...ever. I never wanted to, but it's just...those images and everything I went through there...I don't know, Sakura. I know overtime I started blaming you for what I went through, but it was never your fault. It was all me and..." He stopped again.
She shook her head. "You don't have to tell me anymore," she said softly.
"I'm better now, though. Can't you tell?" he asked, looking at her with threatening tears in his blue eyes. "Aren't I?"
She nodded. "You are. I'm so glad," she said sincerely.
"And I'm just..."
"No. You don't have to apologize...because I've already forgiven you," she said truthfully.
Six years had been long enough to hold a grudge, she thought.
"I'm truly sorry for ever hurting you. I never wanted to. I know I shouldn't even apologize because I don't even deserve your forgiveness, but I truly am sorry," he said.
"I know," she said, smiling at him weakly. "I truly believe you when you say that."
"I'm better right now because of you too. Everything you did and said paid off—I swear it did, so I hope you haven't thought otherwise," he said, making her heart flutter at his confession.
"You don't have to say that," she said quietly.
"It's the truth, though. I would never lie about something like this to you. You deserve nothing but honesty from everyone. That's why I..." He suddenly stopped, making her curious about what he would say next.
"What?" she asked softly.
He shook his head. "No, I don't have a right or say in this," he said quickly.
She sat quiet for a moment, trying to process what he had just said.
She could not fathom how he just said that she deserved nothing, but honesty and he does this.
"You—"
"I know of Dr. Li's past, is all," Eichii interrupted before she could chastise him.
Her jaw clenched, not sure how to feel about him saying that. Almost everyone knew of Syaoran around Tomoeda area.
She knew what could come with dating Syaoran, but now she had to see how she would handle it, starting here. With her ex-lover.
"Syaoran's a good man now," she said quietly.
Eichii nodded. "I know. I just...want you to be happy," he decided to settle with.
"I am happy," she said, yet her voice cracked in the process of her claim.
"Then why are you crying?" he whispered.
Her mouth opened before she reached up to touch her cheeks. "I..." She was surprised to feel her cheeks wet.
"Sakura..."
"I just...I've been so scared and blaming myself for..." She stopped, shaking her head. "No, I shouldn't be talking about this with you," she said brokenly.
"Sakura...Dr. Li's coming over," Eichii warned, making her sit up taut.
Like he warned, Syaoran came and stood in front of Sakura. "What the hell did you say to her?" she heard the over-protectiveness in his voice, making her smile a little at his behavior.
She grabbed his arm gently as she wiped her eyes with the other hand. "It's not like that," she said quietly, standing from the seat.
Syaoran turned to her; his face softening the moment their eyes locked. "What's wrong?" he asked gently.
She shook her head. "I just...I want to go," she said.
She had reached her limits for the day. Seeing Eichii alive and finding out that he came here to get away from her was all she could take.
At the end of the day, she knew she could not look past how selfish he had been for all these years. Everyone in her life had been selfish who knew of this because they all knew she had been beating herself up about it; blaming herself for his death. And he has been sitting here all this time, hiding from her.
She needed out and the only person she could trust and know had her back is Syaoran.
He seemed to be the only person who had her best at interest because he went out of his way to show her the man had still been alive. Yet, here Eichii was, trying to make her doubt Syaoran is a good man.
She was no fool or would go into anything with anyone blindly believing anything a man tells her. But, that did not mean that she has a bad sense of judge of character.
Just like now, she could see how selfish Eichii had been for all these years.
She forgives him, but that certainly does not mean that she wanted him back in her life after putting her through so much and leaving her to live a lie for years.
Syaoran grabbed her chin gently, making her look at him. "We can go. Just stop crying," he demanded softly.
She took a deep shaky breath before nodding her head. "Okay."
She pulled away from him so she could look at Eichii. "I'm glad you're alive and well. It was really nice seeing you, but I don't think I can see you anymore," she told him.
Eichii stared at her for a while before nodding his head. "I understand. I'm glad you came by," he said quietly.
Hearing the sincerity in his voice made her feel a little bad for her decision, but she brushed it to the side.
There was no way she could continue seeing him after finding out she had been lied to for all these years.
With her most forced smile ever, she nodded. "So, I guess this is it," she said.
"Sakura..."
"No, I'm fine. We can leave, Syaoran," she interrupted Eichii before he could even continue on to apologize to her.
Syaoran nodded, grabbing her hand.
Syaoran kept his eyes on the road as Sakura tried to keep her composure sitting beside him in the car.
Neither of them had spoken a word since they left the hospital.
Syaoran had not bothered to break the tension between them and Sakura found herself unable to speak.
She knew the moment she opened her mouth; she would break, and she was not sure if she was ready for that. She wanted to be behind closed doors before she let anything out. She knew that she felt at her worst state, because she did not even care that it would be in front of Syaoran.
The rest of the ride was quiet as Sakura nearly held her breath the entire way back to the hotel.
As soon as the car turned off, she could feel Syaoran's eyes on her.
Too afraid to look at him, she stared ahead at the luxury hotel in front of them. "I'm fine," she said softly, yet her heart told her otherwise.
"Sakura—"
"I'm fine. I just need a moment," she said quickly.
She could see him nod from her peripheral.
Just as he promised, he gave her a few moments to get herself together.
When she thought she was ready, she turned to him, giving him a small smile. "Okay, we can go in," she said confidently.
"Are you sure? We can sit here as long as you need to," he said gently.
Her heart warmed, hearing the sincerity in his voice. "I'm ready," she promised.
"Okay, come on," he said, opening his car door.
She sighed and opened her side of the door and stepped out.
Her legs felt like jelly the moment they touched the ground.
Just a few steps...
Syaoran came to her side of the car. "Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.
She nodded, yet she felt nauseous. "Just been sitting down for too long," she reasoned.
He placed his hand on the small of her back, leading her to walk in front of him.
She took two steps before her legs finally gave out and she fell to the ground on her knees and burst into hysterical sobs.
"Sakura," Syaoran called and was down on his knees beside her, wrapping an arm around her back.
"I-I-I-I can't b-believe he's been alive this entire t-time, h-hiding from me!" she sobbed, not caring that she could possibly cause a scene if someone were to walk by them.
"I know, I know..." Syaoran said soothingly, pulling her over into his body, offering her his warmth.
Feeling his warm body around hers made her realize how cold it was out for the first time. And here she was, sitting on the cold ground in the snow hysterically crying for a man who had selfishly hidden from her for six years.
"It's not fair!" she exclaimed angrily as she thought about it. "It's not fair that he's been alive this entire time! It's not fair that I've had to live with this pain because of him and he's been doing just fine! I know that makes me sound selfish, but why has he gotten to live his life the way he wants to when mine has been controlled by him for so long?! I deserve to be happy too! I deserved to have some form of closure before he decided on his own to leave me high and dry like this! I deserved to know that he lived after putting up with all his bullshit! I—" She stopped, choking on her sobs before burying her face in his chest, crying hysterically.
"I know..." she could hear Syaoran say as he rubbed her hair soothingly.
"It's not...fair!" she sobbed again before wrapping her arms around his body tight as if her life depended on it.
She felt like the biggest fool alive; utterly humiliated to have been played by the world for so long. She wanted a hole to swallow her whole at this point, so she could hide from the embarrassment of being played like she were a fool.
She did not know how long they sat there while she sobbed hysterically in his shirt, but before she knew it, she did not even have any more tears to shed.
She could feel her eyes drifting shut, exhausted from her breakdown just moments ago.
"Feel better?" she heard a faint voice ask before the realm of darkness enraptured her mind.
Syaoran stared at her sleeping form on the bed as he rest his elbows on his knee.
She had been sleeping for the last two hours and he was starting to get a little worried.
He had knew she was exhausted and fell asleep outside, so he carried her inside the hotel and put her to bed.
A small sting of guilt was still eating at his heart, blaming him for her current state.
He kept telling himself that she needed this; she needed to see that the man had been alive. That everything she did was not in vain. That Eichii had not died because of her.
She deserved to know and get some form of closure.
He had almost selfishly kept it from her too, afraid that she would fall back into the man's arms, but he pushed that feeling to the side.
Everything he had been feeling was nothing compared to what Sakura was feeling.
All the jealousy, hatred, and spite would never compare to how Sakura felt for all these years, and now too, so he sat at the table in that hospital and sucked up his own emotions.
He had almost lost it when he saw Sakura touch the man, but for some reason, something stopped him from going over. Something told him that she needed that. Something told him that everything that went on between Sakura and Eichii in that hospital was supposed to happen. For Sakura, at least.
And that was enough to make him remain calm and not act out irrationally.
He hated seeing them together, but not as much as he hated seeing Sakura in pain.
"I'm fine..." he heard a soft voice interrupt his thoughts.
He noticed Sakura trying to sit up, but he was up in a split second, forcing her to lay back down. "Don't push yourself. You're exhausted," he said sadly.
He hates seeing her like this.
She smiled at him weakly, shaking her head. "I'm fine, I promise. I just needed rest," she said in a scruffy voice.
His heart tightened in his chest seeing the puffiness from her earlier outburst.
Nothing had ever saddened him as much as seeing her cry like that earlier. He knew she needed it, though.
"You've been staring at me for the last five minutes. I was almost convinced that you were sleeping with your eyes opened," she said, smiling at him.
His heart warmed a little, seeing the genuine smile. "I'm sorry. I've just been so worried..." he said, moving over to sit on the edge of the bed beside her.
She moved over before sitting up carefully. "I'm sorry. I just...I needed that," she said bashfully.
He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I know...I'm glad you're better now," he said against her skin.
"Thank you, Syaoran..." she said softly.
"It's no problem. I'm a doctor, so I'm used to taking care of people," he said proudly to lighten the mood.
"No...I mean...thank you, for everything. I don't know how I would have dealt with this if you weren't here," she said.
"Oh..." he said, feeling his cheeks warm at the sincerity in her tone.
"You've been so kind to me and I...I don't know how I could ever repay you one day," she said regretfully.
"You can repay me by being happy finally," he said with a supportive smile on his face.
She looked up at him and returned the smile. "I'm...happy right now," she said.
He could not tell if she was just saying that or if she truly meant it. "And why's that?"
"I...I finally understand now," she said. "Everything I was blaming myself for...was never my fault. Everything that he did was because of himself. He abused me because he chose to. He tried to kill me because he chose to...not because of anything I did...and he chose to end his own life because he wanted to. Not because I couldn't save him."
"Of course. I'm glad you've finally realized that," Syaoran said with a smile.
"I think everything that I've been scared of has all just been a delusion of something that I created in my head," she said softly.
Syaoran caressed her face gently, staring at how beautiful she looked to him.
Despite her crying and the puffiness in her face, she still looked so beautiful to him.
He sighed, feeling himself drift into a daze. "What do you mean?" he asked in a tone as if he were in a trance.
"We...all do it, but I never thought that I would fall victim to this crime too because of my knowledge of knowing that people do it," she said.
Syaoran hummed, trying to put the pieces together himself about what she is trying to say.
"We...create monsters, such as fear, in our heads and let them have all the power in our situations or circumstances. I've been...so scared of this demon that's been taunting me; telling me that the moment we get together, you're going to be this...abusive man who can't control himself because of something traumatic that happened to you in your past and I'll be ready to stand by you and defend your every action because I know what you've been through..." she said, staring at him seriously now.
"Sakura, you know I would never—"
"I do know that now. I also know that I have the power to make sure that doesn't happen. I have the power to make myself not go down that same path. Right now...hatred and anger towards Eichii is knocking at my door because of what he did. I have the power to open that door...or keep it closed and stay inside the door of forgiveness and love that I've decided to open for all these years," she said. "Opening that door would only give Eichii all the power again. There's really nothing I should be afraid of."
"You're right..." he agreed.
She sighed with a dazed expression on her face. "So, how'd you find out he was still alive?" she asked, suddenly changing the subject.
For some reason, he felt relieved that she did.
"How else do you think I could've found this out?"
"Aki, huh..." she said, sounding deep in thought.
"It was..."
"I don't need any explanations for him," she said distantly.
He never thought he would see the day where she sounded like she did not care about the man. He was not sure how to feel about that.
One side of him was happy and jumping for joy, while the other side felt a little bad.
"What he's done is unforgivable..." she said under her breath. "Yet understandable."
"Let's not worry about him right now," Syaoran said, smiling at her. "I know it was horrible planning and timing for everything to happen today, but...it's New Year's Eve and I wanted your year to start off right."
She smiled at him. "It will now."
"I had it planned for us to go to the festival, but if you're not up to par, I completely understand and—"
"Let's go," she interrupted. "I...let's get stupid drunk and enjoy ourselves tonight."
Syaoran looked at her with a raised brow, wondering if that was a trick proposal.
"I just...today was hard enough and now I just want to...enjoy myself and you. You did bring me all the way here, so it's only fair that you enjoy yourself too."
Syaoran chuckled hearing the humor in that last statement. "Okay."
A/N: I'm finally back! I know it's been a while, but your worries are over since I graduate in like two days! I am sorry for the delay in this chapter, because it has been done for quite some time now, but every time I'd start editing it at night, I'd fall straight to sleep due to exhaustion from everything going on irl. I'm so glad it's done! I won't be going for any schooling until the beginning of next year. I'm still trying to decide between psychiatrist and psychologist, so you guys should see me being very active on this site again.
Anyway, enough about me and more about the story! Sakura's finally seen Eichii, which I'm not too sure about her claiming that everything's fine now that she's seen him alive and well. There are still so many questions that needs to be answered about this chapter, like...will this really be the last time they see each other for good? Is he no longer in the picture anymore? Will this lead Sakura and Syaoran to their own happily ever after? And, let's not forget about Syaoran's problems with his family either. That woman still has to play her part in the story, so don't get your hopes up too high about our favorite couple finally conquering all their challenges and being together! Lets not forget that their relationship is still considered taboo, so Aki still has a say so in how this goes as well! :P
I didn't plan for this story to be this long. Honestly, it was just supposed to be a 25 chapter story, but somehow, my overthinking and imagination took over, like always, so my apologies to those who hate long, drawn-out stories.
But, I do want to say thank you guys so freaking much for all the reviews! Like, I never expected this story to get so many reviews and likes, considering the topics are very, very heavy to take on in this story!
I hope I didn't disappoint too much with this chapter, though. I am still trying to get back into the flow of writing again since I have not been as active in writing stories this year! I will be getting around to responding to reviews(especially questions) after this chapter gets posted(probably later on, because it's like 4am here) :).
I won't give a specific day or amount of time about the next update since I do have to get ready for graduation and figure out what will happen within the next few months, but just know that it won't be as long as this update. Just know I will have plenty of time to write after graduation! So, I promise not to be a stranger again (also, hoping that you guys will forgive my absence!).
Ja ne!