A/N: Thank you everyone for your continued support! For those on the east coast of America right now, please stay safe!

Many, many, many thanks to Kitty Gets Loose for reading through this story and giving me advice. And to Imperial Mint for encouraging me along the way ^^

Warnings: Language

Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji

As a rule: But what we call our despair is often only the painful eagerness of unfed hope ~George Eliot

The rain continued through Sunday afternoon and seemed content to stay around and mirror exactly how Claude felt. The strong storm made it near impossible for them to drive back, even though Sebastian swore he could get them home without a problem. But Claude quickly pointed out that the traffic had the city gridlocked and left roads flooded.

They had to stay another night with Grell, much to Sebastian's chagrin, and the moment word came in that the roads were passable, Sebastian had pushed Claude out the door without another word to Grell.

But the drive back meant that they were alone together in the truck, leaving for a tense and awkward silence that had filled the cab for the whole drive home. Or at least in Claude's opinion. He didn't want to talk about what happened that weekend, nor did he want to tackle the problems between them.

It was the elephant in the room and by the time they reached the ranch his mood had grown worse. They went about their chores silently, easily falling into the flow of things and quickly forgetting about everything that had happened while they worked on the afternoon chores. But once the chores finished and they were back inside, working around each other to make dinner, it made Claude realize just how large the silence was.

He gripped the knife tighter and pushed aside the carrot he had been slicing. "We need to talk," Claude said, glancing over his shoulder. "This silence isn't going to go away if we ignore it. And we can't keep working around each other like this. Just because we could handle the chores together doesn't mean anything for us in the future."

Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, looking slightly amused. "What's more is there to say?" He asked.

"I screwed up and now we're paying for it," Claude answered and abandoned the carrot in favor of leaning against the island.

Sebastian shook his head. "Don't think that way and don't fall into self-pity, you're better than that." He took over where Claude left off and started to slice the carrot. "It's only a bad mistake if you let yourself look at it that way. You learn from everything that happens around you and that's just the way life is."

Claude fell silent, taking in the words but not saying anything. It was too soon to talk about everything, seeing as they had just returned from a stressful drive and an even more stressful night. Claude was in no mood to deal with something so serious at the same time.

"Tomorrow," he said finally. "We'll talk about it tomorrow and sort this mess out. I know what I want and don't want, but at the same time, I understand the position we're in now."

A small grunt left Sebastian's mouth as he dumped the carrots into a bowl and started to dice the onions. "It's only a position if you make it that way. Don't let your mind trick you into believing that it's something else when it's really not."

Claude nodded and slipped away from the counter, understanding that the conversation was over for the time being. Trying to continue now was pointless and they already had plans to talk tomorrow. Hopefully, everything would come to a point then. Until then, they would finish cooking and turn in early, as there was nothing more they could do now.

.:|As a Rule|:.

"Have you had sex with Alois yet?" Sebastian asked casually the next day while they were saddling the horses.

The question caught Claude off guard and he stumbled backwards, trying to keep the saddle from smacking into Eligos's side. He shifted the weight of the saddle in his hands and looked at Sebastian. "Did you just ask what I thought you did?" He asked, trying to make sure he heard right.

Sebastian nodded and tightened the cinch, drawing a displeased grunt from Belial. "Yeah, have you had sex with Alois yet? It's a simple answer, yes or no."

Claude shook his head. "That's not a simple question, especially coming from you," he stated, feeling awkward. "We dated for years until this summer when we broke up. We kissed, we fucked, and we indulged in other things that were far from innocent. You know this yet you ask if I had sex with Alois as though it's no big deal."

Crimson eyes darted to Claude. "Because it isn't. I keep telling you that you're making a problem out of nothing." He slipped the bridle over Belial's head and continued speaking. "You said it yourself. We dated for years and then ended our relationship over Alois and Ciel, who we met only months prior. Even before we had started dating, we knew each other for years. Yet these two students enter our lives and suddenly we find ourselves dropping our relationship to go back to being friends."

Claude gazed at Sebastian, trying to figure out Sebastian's point. It seemed odd to have their talk now, while they were getting ready to go into the fields. But they were most comfortable on horses and in that way, Claude could see Sebastian's logic. The best time to talk about something awkward was when they were doing something familiar such as riding. It took away the edge and helped to settle his nerves.

"What are you trying to say?" He asked as they led the horses down the aisle. Outside, the sun shone brightly, taking away the bite from the crisp air that surrounded them and Claude sighed at the touch of sun on his skin. It heated his body through the layers of clothing he wore and he could feel himself relaxing even more.

Sebastian hummed as he swung into the saddle. "I'm just thinking aloud, that's all. Wondering how we could drop all those years of dating for someone that we barely knew. They were strangers to us when we first met them, yet we tossed aside three years of successful dating to try something new and risk pain in the process." He lengthened his rein and let Belial stretch out more. "Don't you think that's a little odd?"

Claude shook his head. "Right now I'm not sure what to think and I'm content with letting you do all the talking." He hated not knowing what was on Sebastian's mind and he couldn't tell if Sebastian was mad at him or not.

"Very well," Sebastian answered and moved Belial closer to Eligos. They pinned their ears back at each before settling down to work alongside each other. "The point that I'm trying to make is that we gave up something good for something unknown. We could've ignored their advances, whether those advances were for the right or wrong reason, and continued dating each other without any problem. But we didn't. Instead, we took the chance to break away from each other in order to try something new."

"We can see how well that turned out," Claude drawled. "And it was my fault, because I didn't tell you the real reason for wanting to compete at the rodeo."

Sebastian clicked his tongue. "No single person is at fault for everything that happened. Everyone has equal responsibility in this mess and the actions of one person led to the actions of another. Like dominos that stretch back through a century of carefully placed events; each event triggering the next," he said, sounding amused. "But I never said that I was mad at you for what you did, if that's what you're thinking. I simply wanted to know the truth when I asked last week, but never once did I say that I felt upset."

Claude grumbled under his breath. "Then what are you implying?"

Sebastian shrugged slightly. "The fact that we broke up with each other to date someone new shows just how weak our relationship was."

Claude flinched at the words, finding them rather harsh, all things considering. "What makes you say that?" He asked.

"If our relationship had been stronger, we wouldn't have been at each other's throats over the things that Ciel did. It wouldn't have bothered us and if anything, we would've shared a good laugh," Sebastian answered. "I think the fact that we were both so willing to return to friends shows that it wasn't as strong as it could've been. Our friendship was stronger than any romantic interest we had in each other. You can't deny that more often than not, the only time you felt something was when we had sex."

A low chuckle left Claude's mouth. "I suppose that's true. We only expressed how we felt whenever we were intimate and even then, we never said 'I love you' or tried to show anything close to that emotion."

Sebastian nodded. "But with Alois, you feel different. You haven't tossed him into bed yet and had your wicked ways with him because you wanted to wait until he was ready." He smirked at the disgruntled look Claude gave him at his choice of words but continued. "Whereas with us, we were open and ready to be intimate days after we started dating, and had sex maybe a week later if I'm correct."

Claude grunted. "We were horny teenagers back then, what else did you expect. We were too young to understand the true weight of the word 'love' and it was easy to believe that what we felt for each other was that emotion."

Humming, Sebastian bobbed his head as he urged Belial into a jog, feeling the stallion grow restless under him. "Even now, it's something I don't think we understand and honestly, what creature can understand such a complicated emotion?"

"Don't think too hard on it, Sebastian," Claude teased. "You might hurt yourself."

Sebastian flicked Claude off and shifted in his seat before continuing. "In the end, we confused lust for love and believed we felt affection for each other. Whereas now, what we feel for Alois and Ciel is different compared to what we felt for each other when we dated. That was only strong friendship. But what we feel now drove us to end our relationship and start a new one."

Claude glanced out at the landscape around them as he pondered his answer. "Yet we can see how those relationships turned out. Because we met them, we ended up breaking up and dating two people who didn't exactly care for us in the beginning." He gave a hollow laugh. "Now we don't know what to do and we have no idea if we would remain dating if it hadn't been for them."

"Claude," Sebastian called softly and pulled Belial to a stop. He waited for Eligos to putter to a stop before inching his horse closer to Claude. "I doubt that we would've been together for much longer, even if we hadn't met them. Maybe a year or two at most. I think we both understood that what we felt for each other wasn't romance but just lust."

"How do you know that we did the right thing then?" Claude asked. "How do you know that we just didn't need to take a break to examine our feelings before trying again?"

Sebastian chuckled and Claude felt dread build in his stomach at the mischievous look in Sebastian's eyes. He barely had time to question the look before Sebastian leaned forward and pressed his lips against his mouth. Claude tensed and grew still under Sebastian, as Sebastian seemed to search for something, before jerking away as the realization of Sebastian's actions finally hit.

Sebastian pulled back, looking pleased with himself. "That's how I know we did the right thing. Because if we simply needed a break, then you would've kissed me back without hesitation or thought. The fact that you didn't, and instead moved away, proves how you truly feel in regards to doing something sensual with me again. That part of us remains in the past and now the only thing on your mind is a blond haired brat named Alois." Sebastian said with a smirk.

Claude trembled at the words, knowing that they were right. "Even after everything that's happened I still miss him and find myself thinking of Alois," he admitted and rubbed at his lips. "And now I feel as though I've cheated on him," he claimed, pointing an accusing finger at Sebastian.

The action made Sebastian laugh and he kicked Belial forward into a lope. Claude spurred Eligos after them and felt the wind brush against his cheeks. Everything was okay. Their problems with each other were small compared to everything else surrounding them, as Sebastian pointed out. Everything would turn out for the better.

They slowed the horses down, smiling lightly and for the time, Claude could forget about everything else surrounding their lives. Because now, it was just about them and no one else. At least until a mischievous twinkle settled in Sebastian's eyes and he turned to look at Claude. "So have you fucked him or not?" He asked, gazing at Claude with intent eyes that promised not to drop the subject until Claude answered.

"Sebastian!" Claude shouted and tossed his hat at Sebastian, who only chuckled lowly as the hat missed, forcing Claude to dismount and pick it up. Sebastian earned a harsh slap on his thigh for the comment before Claude swung into the saddle again, looking annoyed. "Such a horny bastard," he grumbled. "But no, I haven't." He looked to the side, thinking about what Alois had done and wondering whether he would get another chance with Alois after everything that had happened.

Sebastian smirked. "Don't be a fool, Claude," he said, earning a dirty glare. "It's obvious that you still care for him even after everything that happened. You already admitted that you felt as though you had cheated on him with something that you couldn't even consider a kiss. I think it's clear about what you want to do. Don't let your anger and hurt at the situation stop you from thinking properly."

"I can't forgive him just like that," Claude answered, collecting his reins. "He planned on using me until he had what he needed and then dumping me."

"I know, but if you choose to believe him, he said that he doesn't feel that way now." Sebastian shrugged. "You can always decide to let him go because of this. Or you can choose to discover the truth before settling on a choice. But as I said, don't be a fool. You would lose something good if you did. Anyone can see how much you care for him."

Claude grunted. "You're thinking too much on this," he stated. "And since when did you become the expert on relationships? You're in the same boat as I am right now."

Sebastian shook his head. "I'm not in a boat at all," he commented. "I know exactly where I am and it's somewhere safe, compared to the sinking vessel that you're standing in. If you keep acting like a child by staying mad at the situation in hopes that it'll magically make everything better, you'll only sink faster. You'll regret it if you don't give Alois a chance to talk with you."

"If I didn't know any better, I would say that you're trying to get me back together with Alois," Claude exclaimed as Belial trotted away, leaving Claude to stare at Sebastian's back. "You bastard, that's exactly what you're trying to do." He urged Eligos forward so he could catch up with Sebastian and chew him out more.

At the words, Sebastian's lips curled into a smirk and his eyes danced in the shadow of his hat. "Now what could I possibly gain from doing something like that?" He purred lowly, a devilish glint appearing in his eyes before Claude caught him and drew up alongside Belial. "Shall we go check the herd?" He asked, changing the subject back to work.

Claude nodded, accepting the change as there was no sense in beating a dead horse. "Might as well get that done so we can start practicing again. The finals are in month or so and we've let ourselves get rusty with this incident."

Sebastian grunted and urged Belial forward. "Then let's get going, times a wastin'," he said as the steady beat of hooves against the ground covered anything else that Claude would say as they settled back into the familiar once more.

.:|As a Rule|:.

Ciel pressed his body further into the cushions of the couch, ignoring the wind that howled outside their apartment. It was warm inside and he had wrapped himself from head to toe in a cozy blanket that Sebastian had given him back in September, while he waited patiently for Alois to return from classes.

Three days had passed since their last talk with Sebastian and Claude, and since then, Ciel felt content to ignore Alois. An action that Alois was all too happy to return. It seemed easier to ignore each other than talk about the current problem, and Ciel knew they had a lot to talk about.

He hoped that if they ignored the subject, things would return to normal and they wouldn't have to talk about their problems. But in doing that, the apartment turned awkward and Ciel couldn't stand to stay in the same room as Alois. In the span of a day, they ended up memorizing each other's schedules so they knew how to avoid each other.

It was all childish and as they started their third day of tiptoeing around each other, Ciel had decided that enough was enough. It was getting ridiculous and made him feel as though he was running away from his problems. And Phantomhive's didn't run from their problems. They faced them head on so they could tackle whatever bothered them in order to move on with the next thing life had to throw at them.

Ciel had taken care of everything so they would have the rest of the day to figure these problems out. They couldn't fix everything in the span of a few hours and the last thing Ciel wanted was to spread their talks out over several days. It would make things harder and in the end would feel like pulling teeth because of how complicated and tedious the process would turn into.

He glanced up as the door opened, admitting Alois. Upon seeing him, Alois cringed as he shut the door and hesitantly set his bag down. "I'm starting to hate coming back and finding you waiting for me," he stated. "Usually it bodes badly for me and I never like the outcome."

Ciel hummed. "Well, I did call your place of work today and informed them that you wouldn't come in due to issues with school. But I was kind enough to add that you would be in early tomorrow to make up the hours you missed today," he answered.

"You did what?" Alois asked, even though his voice lacked any anger. Even though he would work double tomorrow, he still wouldn't lose any money and Alois found that he couldn't stay mad at the situation. "Why would you do that?"

"Because we need to talk and you know it," Ciel commented. "This game that we're playing is getting old quickly and I don't know about you but I'm tired of walking on eggshells and trying to time everything right so I don't have to worry about running into you. We're in our second year of college but we're acting like children."

Alois shrugged as he took a seat on the chair opposite the couch. "Acting like children can be fun," he said, his eyes showing that he was joking as he settled down and slowly grew serious. "But I suppose you're right. We've been avoiding this for as long as possible and now it's time to face these problems."

Ciel nodded and sat up straighter but still kept the blanket around his body. It would help keep his temper in check and prevent any sarcastic remarks that might come from his mouth. It was the last thing they needed right now when they were trying to patch everything up.

"Where do we start?" He asked after a moment or two of silence. There were so many things that he didn't know the best place to start, but Ciel had a feeling that he was the one who needed to start things.

Alois shrugged. "I'm not sure. But I heard from the beginning is always the best place to start," he answered, trying to sound wise but nervousness crept into his voice regardless. "I guess that means that I sowed my own seeds and now I'm reaping the rewards of my labor," he said with a small laugh. "I was the one who chased after you when we were younger and had convinced myself that I liked you as something more than a friend when all I wanted to do was have you all to myself."

Ciel buried into his blanket more. "And I was the one who led you on because I knew what you wanted. I held that power over you for my own purposes. You were like a puppy that needed training as you grew into a dog and in the end; I had a well-trained dog that I knew how to use." He shook his head, realizing how childish they were when they were younger.

"It seems as though we're both at fault for our own mistakes," Alois commented. "We never stopped to look at what we were doing. We were too busy playing our games to notice that even though we had grown older, we still acted like kids."

Nodding, Ciel ran a hand through his hair. "But this problem is something that's both equally our fault, if you don't include the debt," he added quickly. "You went to Hannah because I wasn't accepting your advances, not because of the debt. That's what started the whole rodeo thing and because of that, I started to figure out a way to win Sebastian."

Alois grunted. "I didn't think you would fall that hard or quick for him. I just thought you would find him attractive. And when you tried to ask him out, he would turn you down. But you ended up pursuing him far more intently than I thought." He laughed hollowly. "I guess the only good thing that came from it was that we found the ones we wanted. But in the end it was a hollow victory."

Ciel sobered and his eyes darted to the floor. Everything seemed fine until the mention of Sebastian and Claude. They hadn't heard from them and the only thing that Ciel kept telling himself was that Sebastian and Claude were sorting out their own problems. After all, they ran a business together and they had to make sure that they could run it efficiently.

"What exactly are we Alois?" Ciel asked suddenly. "Were we ever friends or were we just people who used each other to get what we wanted?" They had to know that first before they could go anywhere else. No point in playing the blame game anymore. They both knew they were at fault for everything and pointing fingers wasn't going to get them anywhere. They had tried that and failed several times.

Alois was silent as he thought about the answer, unsure himself. They had called themselves friends for years, simply using the word to explain the context of their affiliation, but other than that, he wasn't sure what to call them. After everything that happened, it seemed cruel to call what they had a friendship and in the end, that was just a lie.

"We're roommates," Alois finally said, because in honestly that's all they were. They weren't anything more or anything less. To be less would mean they were strangers and they were far from that.

Ciel nodded. "That works," he remarked. "But now the question is, do we try for something past that or will we just keep it as roommates for the rest of our college experience." He would admit that, at times, he liked having Alois around. Alois made him feel smarter and there were times, although rare, that he honestly enjoyed Alois's company. But as to what Alois felt about the whole situation, Ciel didn't know, and he didn't blame Alois if he wanted to leave it roommates.

"Maybe we should think about that part," Alois said after moments of silence. "We've both been hurt by this ordeal. Me more than you, and you can't deny that. I have the debt and losing Claude, whereas you just lost Sebastian. In the end, I'm still the one to suffer the most."

Ciel wisely kept his mouth shut and watched as Alois stood up. There was nothing more to say on the subject and the only thing they could do now was think about what they wanted next. Knowing that, Ciel stood up and moved to his bedroom, the blanket still firmly draped over him.

Once in his room, he shut the door and moved over to his bed. He curled up on the surface, burying his face into the material and inhaling the scent of cinnamon and horses. Breathing in the only thing he had to remind himself of Sebastian.

.:|As a Rule|:.

Thursday night, Alois approached Ciel, much to his surprise and Ciel couldn't stop the shock from crossing his face. Even Alois seemed surprised at his actions as he slowly sat down in the chair next to Ciel. Ciel pushed the books aside and turned from his homework to face Alois, wondering what was on his mind.

"I'm pregnant," Alois said seriously. Seconds passed before he burst into laughter, a sound neither of them had heard in weeks since the fiasco first started. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You just looked so serious and I felt like I should say something that was just as serious."

Ciel punched Alois's shoulder, not at all happy with Alois's joke. "You bastard," he snapped although his voice lacked any bite and he found himself laughing at the situation. It felt good to laugh after so long and it didn't take long before they were both laughing without restraint. It was a good stress relief, one that had Ciel feeling a little lighter when they finally caught their breaths.

"But seriously," Alois said, calming down so they could talk. "I did come to see you so we could talk. I thought about what you said on Tuesday, about where we go from here."

Ciel nodded and all sense of laughter from earlier vanished, leaving instead a serious atmosphere that demanded his full attention. "I've been thinking about it as well, but you first."

Alois sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I want to, in time, start again. Not now, because a part of me still can't forgive you. We're still struggling with our own lives and everything else, which makes it hard to forgive. But maybe we can ease into a friendship. A normal one, but one that's going to take time. Because it's something that won't happen overnight."

"I understand and agree with that," Ciel answered and let out a heavy sigh. "What I did to you with the debt was unfair and was just my way of trying to force my power and will on someone. That's fine and dandy for adults, but we were just kids when that happened. I can't take back the years or anything else that I did, but I can drop the debt up until college and perhaps part of the lawyer fees. If there's one thing I ask, it's that I'm paid back for the tuition."

For a moment, Alois looked stunned. He didn't expect Ciel to pull a stunt like that and all things considering, what Ciel asked for in return was only fair. "That's reasonable," he finally said, feeling as though a weight had lifted from his chest. "Hannah has already promised to help me out with the lawyer fees when she's released, so I can pay you back for that as well."

Ciel hummed. "I have a current spreadsheet of everything you owe if you would like to look at it so you know exactly what you'll have to pay. I also have all the receipts in case you doubt anything is off."

Alois shook his head. "I'll trust that you're not cheating me and we'll say that it's our first step in building our new companionship," he answered. "Besides, I don't think I could find another person as interesting as you. If I gave that up, who would I have to entertain me when things get boring? Surely not Grell. You can only take so much of him before you start to go insane."

A small chuckle left Ciel's throat. "I think I should be the one saying that to you. You've always been the interesting one with your fairies and whatnot."

Stomping his foot childishly, Alois pouted. "They do so exist. Mythical creatures just have to exist, otherwise this world would be boring and what good would come from that?"

Ciel grunted and waved Alois away, not wanting to deal with such childish things when he had other things to worry about, such as his project that was due tomorrow. He waited until Alois left the dining room before checking his phone for a missed text message but found that it was quiet and empty, just as it had been all week long.

Still no word from Sebastian and once more, Ciel was left alone and aching. Missing Sebastian terribly but unable to do anything about it but hope and wish for the best.

.:|As a Rule|:.

The soft clink of shaped and polished bones hitting each other echoed in the study as a pale hand discarded another chess piece without care into a box of used pieces. It filled up quickly until at last, only a handful of pieces remained on the dual colored board and crimson eyes looked triumphant as they searched the board.

"Beneath the throne, the bodies of your pieces will pile up along with your sins," the voice murmured and reached out to run a finger over the king, making it wobble on its square. "But if the king is taken, then its game over."

In the corner of the office, another figure tossed a pawn into the air and caught it easily, green eyes following the motion of the pawn. "Then you shall keep playing."

"Until I hear the words checkmate."

.:|As a Rule|:.

Ciel paced his room, glancing at his computer every fifteen seconds to check the time and the screen, which hadn't changed since the last time he looked at it. Instead, it remained the same background with a window open for Skype and nothing more. He was a nervous wreck ever since Sebastian sent a text late last night and Ciel glanced at his phone again, double-checking the message.

'Saturday at one, Skype.' The message remained the same since Ciel first saw it this morning when he woke up and Ciel set the phone down again. A part of him was happy that Sebastian finally contacted him and the other part feared that Sebastian would tell him to stay away.

His heart raced as Ciel looked at the clock again, noting that the time, 1:57. He ached to see Sebastian again and while Ciel wanted to see Sebastian in person, this would have to work as well. He would take what Sebastian gave him. Ciel missed Sebastian but it would take more than those words to earn Sebastian's forgiveness.

The ring tone for his Skype went off, loud and shrill in the silence of the room, making Ciel bolt to answer the call. He slammed his knee against the desk in the process but brushed it off as he clicked the talk button, waiting impatiently for Sebastian's webcam to connect with the program. When it did and Sebastian's face showed up on his screen, Ciel couldn't help but smile at the sight of him.

"Hey," he said softly.

Sebastian offered a small smile in return, trying to ease the anxiety that rolled off Ciel in waves. "Hey," he commented and let his eyes roam over Ciel's face. "Are you getting enough sleep?"

Ciel shook his head, recalling the newest set of nightmares that had started to haunt him. Last night had him waking up and clutching his chest after something thrust a sword through his body. Glowing pink eyes held the twisted green blade and pushed it deeper in his body as the shadow came closer to whisper something in his ear. The words remained lost to Ciel and triumphant eyes watched him as darkness surrounded Ciel with its inky embrace before Ciel woke, soaked in sweat.

"Not really," he said honestly and rubbed his fists over his eyes, knowing that he had large bags under his eyes. "I haven't been getting enough sleep. I…I miss you and not knowing everything keeps me up at night."

"It seems as though we have a lot to talk about," Sebastian stated and patted his leg, offering Soot a place to sit. She took the offer and curled close to him, purring loudly. "I think you should start, seeing as you didn't get a chance to tell me everything last time. It's just us this time and no one else will hear what you have to say."

"I know," Ciel answered and clenched his teeth to stop himself from shaking due to his nerves and adrenaline. "When I first saw your poster that Alois brought home, I was enthralled. You were a cowboy, a good-looking one, and hell; you looked hot in that picture. Your eyes drew me in first and after that I was hooked before I realized it."

Sebastian blinked before he smirked, looking pleased with himself. "Your comments are very flattering and I appreciate them very much," he teased, looking as though he was a bird preening himself.

Ciel rolled his eyes but was happy to hear Sebastian teasing him. It meant that Sebastian was relaxed and anger wasn't the first thing on his mind. "I wanted to meet you and that was my goal when I went to the rodeo. But when I found out you had a boyfriend, you became a challenge that I wanted to win. I let myself get caught up in the game that I set before myself that I never stopped to think about what I was doing or how I was handling the situation. I only thought about having you for myself."

A low hum left Sebastian's throat. "Before you knew that I had a boyfriend, what did you hope to accomplish when you came to the rodeo? Aside from meeting me."

"I wanted to get to know you first," Ciel answered honestly. "Because you were, well…really attractive and you were everything that I wanted in a boyfriend. I figured if I could work my way into your life, I could eventually get closer and maybe grow into something more than that."

Crimson eyes glowed with amusement. "But when we first met, your thoughts weren't anywhere near friendship if I remember correctly. They focused more on trying to bed me and seeing if you could get into my pants," he purred. "I remember your actions the night we met after the rodeo and how you boldly touched me."

Ciel faltered and felt his face heat up. "Ye-yeah well you try to think straight when you're around someone who is older than you and is sinfully attractive. All those thoughts of friendship fly out the window and all you can think about is what you want." His face grew even warmer. "I'm just a guy. I can't help my thoughts."

Sebastian clicked his tongue. "Yet as you grew to know more about me, that side vanished and your true innocence came out. When I brought up the subject, everything came to a screeching halt. Why was that?" He asked. "Were you just teasing me that night? Hoping to get a one night stand with me until you had what you wanted?"

Ciel shook his head knowing that Sebastian would laugh at him for his next answer. "I thought that you would like it if I came on that way. That it would help me win you over." He forced back a small grimace as the realization of how he had acted, and what could've happened that night, hit him like a truck.

Ciel had believed that he was acting cool and mature. Instead, he had acted abysmal, offering himself to someone he had just met because he was horny. Ciel thought he wanted Sebastian to fuck him when instead; Ciel had just wanted Sebastian in general. "You were so nice to me earlier that day that I thought I had a chance. That after we had sex, you would want me. I was willing to give everything to have you."

Sebastian's eyes seemed to soften slightly at the words, as Ciel's voice cracked and Ciel realized his faults. "While it's flattering to know that you were willing to go so far just to win me over, I don't think you could've gone through with it in the end. Despite what your body felt and what your mind was trying to make you think, you weren't willing to go the whole way that night." He paused and studied Ciel for a brief moment before continuing. "If anything, that line of thought shows just how much growing up you needed to do."

"It was immature, I know," Ciel answered, rubbing at his eyes. "But I know that I've matured since then. I wouldn't have made it this far if I kept thinking that way. Because as the months passed, you went from being someone that I just wanted to have sex with, to someone that I was content to be with and I wanted to spend more time with you whenever I could."

He could feel the worry growing and mounting inside his body again, twisting and turning until Ciel felt as though he would have a panic attack. The way Sebastian talked made it sound as though Sebastian believed Ciel was too young and immature to continue their relationship. While Ciel might have acted immature at the time, he knew that things had changed and he had matured since then. He just needed to prove that to Sebastian and make him realize that.

"How do I know that you've changed though, Ciel?" Sebastian asked, watching as Ciel sucked in a deep breath at his words and his eyes grew wide and panicked. "You say that you have and that your feelings have changed but how can you prove that to me? How do you show me that you've matured?"

Ciel swallowed harshly. "Because I'm not running away or denying everything that I did. I'm facing the problems that I caused and I'm trying to right them. Alois and I have already talked about the problems between us and I've had a lot of time to think about everything I did to you. I know I hurt you by my actions, and I'm ashamed to know that I once saw you only as a prize to win."

He smiled despite the current situation. "I know now that you're so much more than that. You're kind to me and always look out for my best interest no matter what. You smart and know far more than anyone would believe and you're talented in ways that most people could only hope to be."

He was shaking now; Ciel knew that much and he couldn't hide it from Sebastian. However, Ciel found the thought of losing Sebastian terrifying. Within the short months that had passed between them; he had grown close to Sebastian. Closer than Ciel had thought possible but it had happened. And it had happened without him realizing until it was almost too late.

Sebastian sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling tired. "You're not in any mood to keep talking about this, Ciel," he said gently. "We'll need to continue it later when your emotions are more stable."

Ciel shook his head and was surprised to feel warm tears trickling down his cheeks. "Don't Sebastian, please don't," he begged. He feared that this would be their last conversation and he tried to cling to it as best he could. He didn't want to let Sebastian go. "Don't leave, I'm fine. I promise."

"Ciel, you're crying," Sebastian commented, pointing out the fact that Ciel's emotions streamed down his face. "You're anything but fine right now and you're emotions are too jumbled for you to think straight. You need time to think about everything we said and sort out your emotions before we can talk again."

Brushing the tears aside and trying to stop them, Ciel spoke quickly, wanting to get his point across before Sebastian left. "I just don't want you to go," he said. "I don't want to lose you," he blurted out before he could stop himself, only further proving Sebastian's point that he wasn't fine.

Sebastian smiled slightly. "Ciel, I'm going to hang up but I'll call back at the end of the month, I promise."

The words sat on the tip of Ciel's tongue, begging Sebastian to stay on the line when the call ended. A black screen met him, along with the words 'call finished', leaving Ciel to breakdown at his desk. His chest heaved and he felt like screaming but nothing more would come other than the tears.

And for the first time since everything happened, Ciel sobbed and cried as the situation finally overcame him and Ciel felt as though it would drown him in an ocean of despair.