Chapter 36: Tolerance

"How're you feelin'?" came a curious little voice, as Tidus peeked around the doorway to Cloud's bedroom.

He wasn't surprised to see the room looking as out of sorts as Cloud did. The blankets on the bed were strewn about, like Cloud had tossed the covers off in a hurry that morning after already having a poor sleep. Cloud glanced behind him and released a sigh, a sheepish look on his amazingly still charming face.

"I've been better," he admitted, downing a pill with a glass of water to ease his aching head. Tidus could see dark circles under his eyes now that he had turned to face him.

"Rough night, huh?" Tidus asked, sympathetically.

"I'm really sorry you had to see me like that." Cloud lowered his eyes as he spoke, looking ashamed. "I don't normally drink."

"That's okay," Tidus assured him, a light half-smile on his face.

Cloud bravely met his gaze, and Tidus silently sought Cloud's permission to enter the room. Cloud gave a gentle nod, and Tidus approached him, pulling him into a warm embrace, one that Cloud graciously returned. Cloud breathed in deeply, and let it out, feeling himself relax as he usually did when he was in Tidus' arms.

"It's gonna be a long day on the road," Cloud sighed, his head falling weakly against Tidus' shoulder.

"Wait, you're still going to work?" Tidus asked, raising a brow.

"Yeah. Don't want Tifa to find out what happened last night," Cloud replied, though he figured she would put two and two together pretty easily when she discovered the majority of the champagne gone.

"Listen, Cloud, about last night..." Tidus started. "If there's anything at all you want to talk about—"

"Thanks, but, I'll be fine," Cloud shook his head, pulling away from the embrace, and mustering a half-convincing smile. Tidus frowned.

It appeared that Cloud was back to his closed-off, inhibited self now that the alcohol had worn off, and Tidus tried not to let himself get frustrated. Cloud had always been a tough nut to crack; this was nothing new. Cloud ambled over to his desk where papers were scattered from one end to the other. He shuffled through them until he found his keys hidden somewhere underneath the mess.

"Just... keep close to home, okay? I don't want anything to happen to you," Cloud said, his eyes twisted up into some sort of playful, yet sad look that Tidus, for the life of him, couldn't place. It was like Cloud was trying to hide the fact that he wanted to protect him by wrapping it up in a joke. He was still scared, at least that much was certain.

"Cloud, you don't have to worry so much. I'm not gonna disappear," Tidus replied, with what he hoped was a reassuring grin. Cloud swallowed, and permitted a small smile to inch its way onto his face, though that smile still quivered with hints of sadness.

"I'm holding you to that," he announced, patting his partner on the shoulder as he strode past him. Tidus turned to watch him as he left, his gaze boring into Cloud's back. He bit his lip in distress.

He knew that the past few weeks without him had sent Cloud into a tizzy, but he was back now. He was awake, and healthy, but Cloud was still terrified, and Tidus was lost when it came to figuring out how to take away the last of those fears. Until Cloud felt at ease, Tidus would be just as unsettled as he was, forever scrambling to find a solution. Would things between them ever be easy? Tidus was beginning to wonder.

Wind whipped through Cloud's hair as he rode out of the city. Fenrir rumbled beneath his body, its wheels tearing up the ground below. Normally, being on the open road was the perfect remedy for Cloud's troubled mind, as he usually found that the fresh air and scenic landscape cleared his head, but right now, his thoughts remained on Tidus. Poor Tidus that Cloud had left behind... again.

It wasn't like Cloud enjoyed the distance; in fact, he sort of loathed it, but for now, a bit of distance made him feel safe. Having Tidus in this world was a blessing that Cloud wasn't about to take for granted, but with that blessing came a plethora of fears. Cloud was a bundle of nerves, worrying that Tidus might get hurt, or might be lonely here, or might disappear, or even get sent back to Spira if the universe decided to correct itself.

Cloud shook his head, not particularly wanting his mind to delve any deeper into the problems back home, but it wandered there anyway. Even if Tidus was able to stay in this world, Cloud worried he might let Tidus down somehow, or lose him altogether. What if he couldn't love Tidus enough? What if he couldn't give Tidus everything he needed? If they were ever to separate, Tidus would be forced to go on in this unfamiliar world without him, and Cloud didn't want to feel responsible for Tidus' imprisonment in this world.

And that's what it would be, right? Imprisonment? After all, if not for Cloud, Tidus probably wouldn't have been dragged into this strange world at all. Wouldn't Tidus blame Cloud for getting him stuck here? Cloud didn't ever want Tidus to resent him for that.

There was also the deafening fear that rang out in Cloud's frightened mind, reminding him for the millionth time that there was always a chance that something worse than a breakup could separate them. He could lose Tidus, just as he'd lost Zack, and that made Cloud want to keep Tidus safe from everything he could—Shinra, monsters, even disease. He knew it was impossible to protect him from everything, but felt it was stupid not to try at all.

It wasn't like these fears were new to Cloud. He had worried about many of the same things when he and Tidus had first become involved, but now that they were out of Cosmos' world, everything seemed so much more real. Now that they were here in Cloud's world, it felt like they should be even more committed to each other, because maybe for Tidus, there really was no going back home.

As Cloud's mother had always said, 'home is where the heart is', and if that was the case, then Cloud was the only one who could make this world feel like Tidus' home. And Cloud wanted that, more than anything. He wanted Tidus to love it here, to be happy here, and Cloud had to help make that happen. He had to be there for Tidus, now more than ever, but with that responsibility came concern.

For several nights now, Cloud had been plagued with nightmares. Many involved Zack's death, and encounters with the Zack manikin back in Cosmos' world, which were normal nightmares for Cloud, but for the first time in a long time, Cloud dreamt of Tidus' death. He dreamt of his pale body, his gorgeous blue eyes hidden beneath frozen lids. The warmth that he always carried with him was gone as Cloud placed a hand to his skin. Night after night, Cloud held Tidus close, trying desperately to stop his injured body from bleeding out, but was never successful. It was always either Jecht, Kuja, or Sephiroth—all the people who had hurt Tidus in the past—who would stand there laughing as Cloud tried to save him, but Tidus always died in Cloud's arms before he could. After that, Cloud would wake up in a cold sweat, feeling even less rested than when he'd first gone to bed.

He knew it was crazy to worry so much—even Tidus himself had told him that—but Cloud felt Tidus was his responsibility now. It was unlikely he would have ended up in this world if not for him, and Cloud wasn't about to let it end in disaster. He felt he had to do everything he could to make this relationship last, and to keep them both alive and kicking until it really was their time to go.

Cloud wanted to open up to Tidus with everything he had, to cross bridges they hadn't yet ventured across, but Cloud feared that opening up, and becoming even closer would drive him to be even more afraid of losing Tidus than he already was. Since Tidus had recovered from his coma-like state, Cloud had wanted to be as near to him as he could, yet he forced himself to retain a distance between them, not wanting to get too attached before he figured out exactly how their relationship was going to differ from how it had been in Cosmos' world, and whether or not things were going to work here as well as they had back there.

In Cosmos' world, things had been simpler. They'd had the same mission, and the same friends. Now, Tidus had to learn to fit into the small family at Seventh Heaven with Cloud, and Marlene, and Tifa. There would be times when living with Marlene and Tifa would not permit them to be as close as they would like. There would also be times when Cloud went to work, and Tidus would be left to busy himself with something around the house. Perhaps, in time, Tidus would find some type of employment as well, but Cloud wasn't going to suggest something like that so soon after his arrival in this world. Tidus needed to get his bearings first.

Cloud breathed in deeply, the pleasant smell of grass and trees filling his nose. It relaxed him a little, but not as much as he'd hoped it would. To no surprise of his own, deep down in the pit of his stomach was a feeling of anxiety, but one not solely caused by fear; it was pleasant, and exciting, but it was also induced by one of his most potent concerns. He kept thinking back to his and Tidus' last night in Cosmos' world, when they'd talked about taking the next intimate step in their relationship. Cloud wanted so badly to take that step, and he knew Tidus did, too.

Cloud remembered how incredible it had felt to be with Zack in that way. He realized that it being his first time had deeply impacted his emotions, but he remembered how much closer he'd felt to Zack afterwards. Of course, he was sure other guys like Barret and Cid would mock him endlessly if they knew; they would tell him to man up, that sex was no big deal, but to Cloud, it was. Cloud was sensitive, and he was honestly proud to say that he wasn't like most other guys in that regard.

He remembered how after his first time, he'd felt even more in love with Zack than ever before, and how subtle changes had taken place in the way they communicated with each other—Zack would ruffle his hair a little more tenderly, Cloud would speak his name a little more softly. Of course, Cloud wanted those things for himself and Tidus, too, and he felt selfish for even thinking about postponing it any longer, but the most terrifying part of it all was the fear that he might lose a little piece of Zack when they eventually did take that step. After all, that was one thing that Cloud had only ever done with Zack; it was the only thing that still remained theirs.

The truth was, ever since Cloud had gotten back to his world, things had been different. Back in Cosmos' world, he'd felt he'd made progress. He'd been able to move on. Of course, not completely, but enough so that he could be with Tidus, and not feel like he owed Zack anything but to live his life. When he came home, however, it was like he could feel Zack around him again, watching over him like he always had. After that, the guilt had come rushing back.

It didn't matter that Cloud loved Tidus. It didn't matter that Cloud wanted to move on, and feel okay about it like he had back in Cosmo's world. No, all that mattered was the guilt. He couldn't ignore it. He felt that by having Tidus in this world, by loving Tidus in this world, he was betraying Zack on his own turf. He knew it was unreasonable, but Zack had given him so much... If he really was watching over Cloud, then how could Cloud flaunt Tidus right in front of him?

Cloud heaved a sigh, and brought his motorcycle to a stop outside Kalm. He pulled the keys from the ignition and collected his clients' packages from the back of the bike. He forced himself to focus on the job he'd set out to do, and tried to convince himself that he and Tidus would figure everything out together. Cloud just wished he wasn't so afraid to let Tidus into the remaining depths of his heart. Cloud didn't know what he was more afraid of: not loving Tidus enough, or loving him far too much.

"Knock, knock," Tifa announced, her knuckles rapping lightly against the door to the guest room. Tidus pulled one of Cloud's grey T-shirts over his head before opening up, and greeted Tifa with a cheerful smile.

"I've got something for you," Tifa grinned, holding out a clothes hanger; Tidus' eyes lit up when he saw his familiar outfit hanging from it.

"My clothes!" he beamed, taking the hanger from her and running a hand over the clothing. He smiled at the sensation of the familiar Zanarkand knit under his fingertips; it made home seem not so far away.

"Just got them back from the dry cleaner. Had to get the blood out of them after you hit your head, and I had to do some mending, but they look pretty good now," Tifa smiled.

"Yeah," Tidus nodded. "Better than they've looked in months. Thanks." Tidus continued to glow as he carefully lay his well-loved uniform down on the bed.

"Um, if you're not too busy after you get changed, would you mind helping me look for something? Cloud needs some papers, and I haven't been able to find them," Tifa said, running a hand through her hair, making it look a little untidy. It matched her slightly frazzled demeanor. "I feel like I've looked everywhere."

"Sure thing. Might as well make myself useful while I'm here," Tidus chuckled, rubbing the back of his bandaged head.

"Thanks. I'm just gonna check on Marlene, then I'll meet you in Cloud's room. I dread having to look through his desk, but it seems like the only other place those papers could be," Tifa shrugged.

"Okay. He's not gonna freak if we go in there, is he?" Tidus asked, raising a brow. Cloud was such a private person, Tidus wouldn't have been surprised if Cloud was private about his desk as well.

"I doubt it. He knows I look there for business papers sometimes," Tifa answered.

"Alright," Tidus nodded. "I'll get dressed and see you in a few."

"Yeah," Tifa smiled, as she turned and headed for the stairs.

Tidus shut the door lightly behind her, and happily trotted toward his clothes. Quickly, he undressed, and pulled them on. He folded Cloud's clothes as neatly as he could and set them in the top drawer, then went to look at himself in the full-length mirror behind the door. He beamed when he saw himself.

He knew there wasn't much point in wearing his Zanarkand Abes outfit anymore. He was doubtful he would ever even get to play Blitzball again, but it felt good to be back in his own clothes. He felt more like himself, even if they weren't the most practical clothes for everyday life; he liked them, and they were easy to move in, which had made them great fighting clothes as well. And besides, he wanted to see the look on Cloud's face when he walked in and saw him looking less like a medical patient and more like a human being again.

Tidus scrutinized himself in the mirror. There was one more thing to go. With careful hands, he unpeeled the medical tape and square bandage from his temple; he squinted his eyes, as the tape did hurt a bit when it pulled off. He was relieved, however, when only a thin, red line was visible once the bandage was gone. At least the cut had healed well. He figured stitches had been involved at some point. He kind of wished that red line would remain a scar to mark his arrival in this world.

With another smile, Tidus tossed the bandage and tape in the garbage can by the door before heading into Cloud's room. Tifa was already in there, a file folder in her hands as she sat on the edge of Cloud's bed, digging through the folder's papers vigorously. She glanced up when Tidus entered the room.

"Hey, looking good," she smiled.

"Thanks. I finally feel like me again," Tidus grinned.

"Great! Okay, so, you wanna start with the desk? I'm looking for the list of clients from Fort Condor."

"Fort Condor. Got it," Tidus nodded, heading for the desk. "So, what's up with these papers, anyway?"

"Cloud called. He forgot to look up the client for one of his deliveries today. Funny. Not like him to be forgetful," Tifa said. Tidus let out a nervous chuckle.

"He's probably just having an off-day," he smiled.

Tidus shuffled through paper after paper. It was obvious Cloud needed to spend some time organizing his desk. There seemed to be no end to the slew of papers, all scattered across the desk in messy, overlapping piles. Eventually, Tidus started a new pile on the corner of the desk. Every paper he looked at, he stacked there, not wanting them to end up in the mix again.

"So, how are things going, Tidus? You settling in okay?" Tifa asked.

"Yeah, I'm good. I like it here," Tidus smiled, glancing in her direction, and meeting her gaze for a fleeting moment.

"And, you and Cloud? Things are okay?"

"I heard he told you about us," Tidus said, his fingers suddenly becoming a little more clumsy.

"He did," Tifa nodded, then she paused, and looked up at Tidus with an honest, respectful smile on her face. "I'm really glad you were able to reach him. I know how lonely he was before he met you. I didn't think he'd open up to anyone easily, though."

"Heh, you're right about that," Tidus agreed, his gaze flickering toward Tifa, then nervously darting back down. He decided not to let her in on the fact that they were a little distant these days, and instead focused on all the amazing experiences they'd had along the way. "But it was worth it."

"I'm so happy for you both," Tifa said, smiling again.

"Thanks," Tidus smiled back. "Me, too."

Tifa returned to the desk a moment later, and placed her file folder on Tidus' discard pile before retrieving another folder from the desk drawer. With a sigh, she slumped back down on Cloud's bed, and began flipping through the new batch of papers. Tidus frowned when he caught sight of something in the pile, something that contrasted to the white papers around it.

Tidus dug it out: a brown, leather-bound book. Cloud's name was neatly etched into its cover in capital letters. Tidus was startled when something fell from within its pages. He glanced down onto the desk to where it had landed. Carefully, he set the book down, and picked up the fallen photograph instead.

The corners of the photo were dog-earred, and one corner was completely charred, like it had been through a fire. On the right stood Sephiroth, his usual stoic look on his face, and his silver hair as long as ever. In the middle was Tifa, dressed in some sort of cowgirl outfit. Tidus gave a small smile. She must have been a lot younger then. Finally, on the left... Tidus was sure he knew that figure, too.

"Tifa, is this Zack?" Tidus asked, turning the photo toward her and pointing to it.

"Yeah, that's him," Tifa nodded.

"When was this taken?"

"Oh, must have been five years ago now. I don't know how much Cloud told you about this, but when he was sixteen, Cloud came back to our hometown, Nibelheim, with a few other members of the Shinra army. That's me, Zack, and Sephiroth in Nibelheim before they set off to investigate our mako reactor."

"Mako reactor?" Tidus repeated, looking baffled.

"Cloud's still got a lot to explain, huh? Sorry about that."

"That's okay. So, Cloud was here then, too? Were he and Zack...?" Tidus fumbled. Tifa understood the rest of that unfinished question by Tidus' curious, yet timid stare.

"Yeah, they were together at that point, but, of course, I didn't know that then. I doubt Cloud had told anyone at that point," Tifa said, standing up and coming to stand beside Tidus to obtain a better view of the photo.

"What happened to this picture? Looks like it's seen better days," Tidus said, eyeing the blackened corner.

"A few days after this was taken, Sephiroth set the town on fire. This was one of the few things that was salvaged, although at that point, the last thing I wanted to see was a picture of those guys from Shinra," Tifa said, a distant bitterness in her voice. Tidus swallowed, unsure of whether he wanted to know the rest of the story, but Tifa kept talking.

"After I found out about Zack's importance to Cloud, however, I... I gave this to Cloud as a gift. It was the only picture either of us had of Zack, and... You should have seen his face when he saw it."

Tidus was silent for a moment as he tried to picture what kind of face Cloud might have worn. He wasn't sure how joyous a reaction it would have been. Seeing Zack again... It must have been hard on Cloud in a way, even if it was nice to have a physical reminder of someone so special.

"Poor Cloud," Tidus acknowledged, his voice growing solemn. "He really did lose a lot, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he did," Tifa nodded. She cocked her head to the side when she saw the woeful look on Tidus' face, his eyes still focused on the photograph. "You've helped him so much, though."

"You think?" Tidus asked, quirking a brow.

"I do see a change in him," Tifa assured him, and Tidus fell quiet, mulling that over. He hoped that was true. He hoped that he wasn't the only one who had noticed a significant difference in Cloud since he had worked his way into his life.

"Still, I feel like there's a lot he doesn't tell me. I mean, I didn't know any of this." He let the photo fall back onto the desk.

"Maybe he hasn't found the right time yet, but don't worry. I know he will."

"I hope so," Tidus nodded, but his thoughts wandered.

He eyed the leather book intently. He knew he shouldn't pry, but he wanted a glimpse of whatever other memories Cloud had tucked away within it. Perhaps the answers to his remaining questions lay within that book.

Bravely, Tidus flipped open the first page. A photo of a blonde woman was set in the middle of a parchment-colored page. The woman looked about thirty or so, and she wore an apron over her slim body. She stood in front of a building that looked similar to the one in the previous photo—Tidus guessed this was Nibelheim as well—and judging by the familiar smile on the woman's face as she waved toward the camera... Yes, Tidus was sure this was Cloud's mother.

Tidus flipped to the next page. A small blond boy sat on top of a wooden water well, his hair tied back in a ponytail. He wore a black shirt and green shorts, and wore a wide smile across his rounded face. Tidus' heart felt light. It was weird to see Cloud so young, so innocent and happy, but it was amazing, too. It thrilled him to know that there were times in Cloud's life when he truly was carefree. Unfortunately, the small smile that had appeared on Tidus' face quickly vanished as another realization hit him.

That poor, smiling, young Cloud in the photo had no idea what the world had in store for him. He had no idea that the life ahead of him would be filled with so much sadness. He had no warning of the tragedies he would face, or of the damages that would be done to him and those around him. Tidus bit his bottom lip, hoping desperately that someday he would be able to bring back Cloud's smile—that same carefree smile that he was able to wear all those years ago.

Tidus forced himself to continue venturing through the book. The next photo showed a girl with brown hair, all dressed in pink. She was kneeling in what looked to be a church. All around her, white and yellow flowers were growing out of the cracked floorboards. The young woman wore a soft smile, her emerald eyes focused on whoever had taken the picture. Tidus had only ever seen her in manikin form, but considering her appearance, he assumed this was Aerith. Tidus swallowed hard. He'd been right to assume that the photos in this book were of deep importance to Cloud.

The following page was empty from where the Nibelheim photo had fallen out. Carefully, Tidus tucked it back in place under its black photo corners before turning to the final completed page in the album. The last picture was of a tall grey church, its walls accented with dozens of stained glass windows. The building looked like it had seen better days. The roof had obviously fallen in in a couple of places, and Tidus wondered if it was the same broken-down church as in the previous photo with Aerith.

"Um, Tifa, what is this place?" Tidus asked, turning the book toward her so she could see.

"Oh, that's the church in Sector 5. Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering. Seems like Cloud's got a lot of important pictures in here. I just didn't really understand what this one was about."

"Well," Tifa said, standing up and placing the file folder back down on Cloud's bed. She strode over to stand beside Tidus once again, and gazed down at the familiar church. "This is where Cloud formally met Aerith, and it's where Zack and Aerith first met, too."

"Does Cloud go here a lot?" Tidus asked, glancing at Tifa.

"Yeah, he does," Tifa nodded. "Of course, he doesn't say anything about it, but I have a feeling he visits quite often." Tidus grew silent as thoughts began to swirl around in his head.

"Oh, there's that list!" Tifa said suddenly, her eyes lighting up as she tugged the papers out from within the messy pile. It was a miracle she'd caught sight of them at all.

"Alright, I'm gonna give Cloud a call, let him know I found this, and then I'll make us some supper, okay? I'm sure Marlene's getting hungry downstairs," she said, turning to leave the room. "She and I are heading out to the theatre tonight. I'm taking her to see a play that's pretty popular among kids her age right now—"

Tifa paused, and turned back around when Tidus didn't move, nor respond.

"You coming?" she asked, politely, smiling.

"Oh, right," Tidus replied, snapping back into reality. "Be right there."

He listened as Tifa's footsteps faded away, then he carefully tugged the photo out of the corners of the book, and turned it around to look at the back. Sector 5, Midgar, Tidus read. He quickly memorized those words, then placed the photo back where it belonged before setting the book back down on Cloud's desk. He ran a hand one last time over the soft leather album before hurrying down the stairs after Tifa.

Tidus awoke that night when he heard Cloud come upstairs. He waited until Cloud had finished up in the bathroom, then he crept into Cloud's room to find his partner already curled up in bed. Cloud's eyes were closed, but Tidus doubted he had already fallen asleep.

"Everything okay?" Cloud whispered through the darkness. He opened his eyes to see Tidus' silhouette in the doorway, though with the house empty, there wasn't much question about who it was anyway.

"Yeah, just comin' in to check on ya. Didn't expect you to be back this late." Tidus took a few more steps toward Cloud's bed, and was pleasantly surprised when Cloud lifted the covers, allowing him to crawl into the bed with him.

"No, it was a long drive back home," Cloud said, closing his eyes again as Tidus' shirtless form moved in against him. He took in a deep breath, catching the sweet scent of Tidus' freshly shampooed hair as Tidus' head rested on his shoulder.

"Feelin' any better now?" Tidus asked.

"Better than I was this morning, yeah."

"Good, 'cause I was kinda thinking..." Tidus trailed off.

Cloud frowned in confusion when Tidus sat up and leaned over to kiss him. The crease in his brows eased as he sunk into the kiss, his lips eagerly accepting Tidus' sudden affections. As Cloud wove an arm around Tidus' neck, he felt a hand at his waist, stroking his bare skin.

"We have the place to ourselves, at least for a little while," Tidus whispered, planting a few more kisses on Cloud's lips. Cloud's heart lurched when he realized what Tidus had in mind.

"Tidus..."

Tidus backed off when he felt Cloud's hand on his chest, pushing him away. He knew he'd been taking a chance when he'd come in here seeking Cloud's affections, but it didn't mean it didn't hurt to be rejected.

"Not tonight, okay?" Cloud said, softly, sitting up to face Tidus. Tidus was staring at him with timid eyes; Cloud could see them thanks to the moonlight pouring through his window.

"I didn't even mean... I didn't mean that necessarily," Tidus said, quietly, rubbing his arm in embarrassment. "I just wanted to be with you for a little while. Like we were back in Cosmos' place."

"I'm sorry," Cloud said, shaking his head, voice low. "I'm just... not in the mood."

Tidus fell silent. He knew it wouldn't take long to get Cloud in the mood, if Cloud had wanted to, but from the vibes Cloud was sending him just then, he knew Cloud really didn't want to fool around.

"Is something wrong?" Tidus frowned.

"No, not really."

"Then, do you not... Cloud, are you ever gonna...?"

"What?" Cloud asked, head sliding gently to the side.

"Are you ever gonna want to be with me? In that way?" Tidus asked. He was glad it was dark enough to mask his reddening cheeks.

Cloud suppressed a sigh. He could see the pain and confusion in Tidus' eyes, and he wasn't quite sure how he could take it away while still being honest with both Tidus and himself.

"I do want to," Cloud nodded, and that part was the truth. He reached for Tidus' hand, and held it tightly within his own. "It's just sort of a hard time for me right now. I'm still trying to figure a lot of things out," Cloud said, speaking slowly as if he was thinking carefully about each word before he said them, but maybe he'd chosen a little too carefully; Tidus was still left wondering what he meant.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" came Tidus' next question, as he basked in Cloud's gentle touch—the way those soft fingers circled over the back of his hand.

"I don't know," Cloud said, honestly, forcing a soft smile.

"'Cause, you know, I'm here. Even if you're not drunk, you can still talk to me about stuff," Tidus said, the smallest smile on his face. He was thankful when Cloud released a chuckle. It sounded like he'd really needed that laugh; there was definite relief in his voice.

"I know," Cloud said.

"Good," Tidus replied, giving him a small smile. This time, Cloud leaned in to him, and pressed a light kiss to his lips. Tidus' eyes fluttered hazily open as Cloud pulled away.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"Everything," Cloud said, softly, the corners of his mouth twitching upward slightly.

Tidus smiled a little wider, and lay back down on the bed. He was relieved when Cloud lay down next to him, his pale arm weaving its way around his waist. Tidus pulled Cloud in against him, holding him close. Cloud's head rested on Tidus' shoulder now, and Tidus let his eyes fall softly shut. It had been too long since they'd been this close.

"Do you want to talk?" Tidus asked, sounding hopeful.

"Actually, Tidus, I do need to talk to you about something," Cloud said, his eyes darting briefly toward Tidus. He looked a little ashamed, but Tidus met his fear with an understanding smile.

"Go ahead," he coaxed, softly. Cloud propped himself up on his elbow, and closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing hard. When they opened again, his eyes focused on the bedsheets, far from Tidus' gaze.

"You've never given me a reason not to trust you, so..." Cloud trailed off, and paused for so long that Tidus didn't think he would ever finish without being coaxed to do so.

"Cloud, what is it?" Tidus asked, gently—worriedly, even. Cloud's gaze drifted and locked with Tidus' for a moment, just long enough for him to gain the confidence he needed to continue.

"I don't know why, but when I got back to this world, things just felt... different. Maybe they wouldn't have if we'd spent those first two weeks together, but while you were unconscious, things started to change," Cloud explained, only making eye contact every now and then.

Tidus' stomach flipped. Cloud's words sounded a lot like the beginning of the end, and Tidus prayed that the conversation wouldn't lead to that. Cloud wouldn't break his heart, would he? Not now, after everything...

"I can't explain why, but ever since I got back, I've had this weight hanging over me. It's like I can feel Zack watching over me, and when I'm with you, I feel guilty. Because of him."

Tidus nodded slowly, trying to understand. Cloud's eyes were locked onto him now, awaiting a reaction. There was fear in those mako-infused eyes, a fear that Tidus hoped to ease as quickly as possible. Tidus imagined himself in Cloud's position. There was just something about first loves that stuck with a person. If Yuna had died, and if Tidus had believed for a second she was still with him in spirit, then Tidus probably would have felt a little guilty, too, having Cloud on his arm all the time.

"Well, that's normal... I think," Tidus said, forcing a small smile.

"Is it?" Cloud asked. "I don't feel like it can be. Anything that keeps me from you can't be..." Cloud trailed off again, and bit his lip as emotions rushed to the surface. Cloud's fist gripped the bedsheets below him tightly.

"Cloud, are you okay?" Tidus asked, scooting forward to lessen the distance between them. A hand reached Cloud's shoulder, and the mere comfort of the gesture nearly reduced Cloud to tears. He shook his head as he blinked away the water at his eyes.

"Tidus, I need help," he whispered.

"I'm here. I'll help," Tidus said, quickly, lowering his head a little in an attempt to meet Cloud's gaze again. He was unsuccessful.

"You can't," Cloud whimpered. Tidus was both surprised and confused by those words, but he refused to let them scare him.

"Why not?" Tidus tried again, raising a second hand to rest on Cloud's other shoulder, and allowing his thumb to gently graze over the cool skin. He could feel Cloud trembling under his touch.

"Because getting over Zack is harder for me than it should be, and I honestly just don't know how you can help this time," Cloud confessed, his mournful eyes meeting Tidus' gentle ones. Tidus was silent, and Cloud wasn't sure he wanted to know what he was thinking.

"Back in Cosmos' world, I'd finally begun to feel free of the past, and now, I just feel like forgetting the past is selfish. But I didn't want to have to tell you that. I don't want to hurt you," Cloud went on with a sigh, his voice shaking as he spoke.

There was silence for several long seconds, and Cloud was beginning to regret speaking at all. He waited for what seemed like forever for Tidus to respond, but Tidus was just taking his time to form his best answers.

"But, Cloud, you're not forgetting the past. You'll never forget, and I don't think you should. It's all a part of you."

A smile was audible in Tidus' voice, and Cloud felt weak at the sound. He wondered how Tidus could still be so understanding of all of this, so considerate and tolerant. Even when he felt like a mess, Tidus still got him. They were connecting, even now when Cloud felt so detached.

"Then what do I do now? I feel like I'm... split in two," Cloud divulged, eyes closing in a pained expression as he tried to explain. "The part that's bound to Zack, and the part that's bound to you. Can they coexist? Or have I just been fooling myself all this time?"

"I don't know," Tidus said, honestly. "Cloud? I think your fears now are the same ones you were feeling back in Cosmos' world. They've just resurfaced, and feel a little stronger 'cause everything is new here. It's kinda like we've started over, and have to figure things out again, like how we're gonna fit into each other's lives. But we did it there, we can make it work here, too, even if it takes a bit more time."

"I hope you're right," Cloud whispered, brows furrowed slightly.

"We'll just have to keep trying to figure it out. Together, okay?" Tidus smiled again, his voice gentle. He ducked his head, trying to catch Cloud's gaze, but Cloud avoided it, and bit his lip. Tidus' unfaltering kindness was making it hard to keep it together.

"I mean, I get it. There are probably a million more reminders of Zack here, and part of you probably feels like I'm taking his place, and that it's not fair," Tidus went on. Cloud immediately perked up, shaking his head quickly, not wanting Tidus to feel slighted.

"No, it's not like that. I... Well, I guess before I fought for Cosmos, even though I knew I would never have a future with him, I did used to imagine Zack in that empty space in my life. A-after I regained my memories, I mean," Cloud struggled to explain. His throat was threatening to tighten, but he pushed through it, wanting to get his thoughts out into the open.

"After that, I trained myself to believe I was better off on my own, that I deserved to be alone, because I wasn't strong enough to save him. Now you're here, but those feelings aren't completely gone. I just keep feeling like I'll do something to turn Zack against me, and for some reason, I just... I feel like I'll need his strength down the line."

Cloud paused to breathe, realizing he'd been chattering for a while, but Tidus' expression was soft, his eyes curious. He nodded gently, encouraging him to go on, since it looked like Cloud still had more to say.

"Maybe for me, with Zack, it's not even a romantic thing anymore. It's just safety. For you and me both. Because I want to be with you, and not have to fear losing you, or making stupid mistakes with you that make me feel like I should be alone again, and... Ugh, I'm rambling."

"No, this is good. You've gotten a lot off your chest," Tidus assured him, with a tiny smile.

"So, what do you think? Am I crazy?"

"No, buddy, you're not. I think all this is tied in with your memory loss. It wasn't that long after your journey with Tifa and the others that Cosmos summoned you, right? You were just putting the pieces back together then, and remembering a future that could have been, and ultimately, you're still trying to figure out who you are now," Tidus said, his mind easily transforming Cloud's words into explanations that would make sense to both of them.

"And let's be honest. Maybe I didn't give you enough time to do that. I pushed so hard to be with you that maybe you didn't have time to figure out who you are on your own."

"That's the last thing I want now. To be on my own," Cloud shook his head. "If I reverted back to my old ways, and crawled back into my shell, I don't know if you'd be able to pull me back out. I'm just... so afraid of screwing things up."

Cloud's voice fell into a whisper as he came to the end of his sentence, and he leaned in against Tidus, his forehead brushing conveniently against Tidus' lips. To his delight, Tidus was smart enough not to waste such a perfect opportunity, and he pressed a few kisses to Cloud's skin.

"That makes two of us," Tidus said, honestly.

"Tidus..."

"If you need me to back off, then I will. If you need to talk, then we'll talk, even about the things you think might hurt me. I can take it. You just need to be honest with yourself, okay?" Tidus offered. Cloud nodded.

"You don't need to cry," Tidus assured him with a smile. Cloud released a tearful chuckle as Tidus touched a hand to his face, a thumb grazing the bottom of Cloud's damp eyelid. Cloud released a shaky breath as he lay back down and wrapped his arms around Tidus' neck, nestling his head below his chin.

"I just hate feeling this way. I want to be with you so badly, and I'm so afraid of something happening to you that it makes me not want to waste a second of our time together. And at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm betraying the man who saved my life. He's the only reason I even lived long enough to meet you."

"Mm, I get that. I mean, I'll probably never fully understand how this feels for you, but... I'm really trying," Tidus promised, shoulders rising in a quick shrug.

"Thank you," Cloud whispered, wishing Tidus knew how much his efforts meant to him.

Tidus' arms slipped down to rest on Cloud's back. The boy knew he shouldn't pry any further, but with the pieces falling into place, there was one more thing he needed to confirm.

"Cloud, the reason we haven't slept together yet... It's because of your feelings for Zack, isn't it?" Tidus asked, though he sounded a lot braver than he felt.

Cloud closed his eyes, feeling a sudden ache in the pit of his stomach. He absolutely did not want to answer that question. He wanted the bed below him to open up and swallow him so he'd never have to respond, but Tidus had said to be honest. Right now, maybe that was the best—no, easiest—thing to do. Cloud was sick of hiding.

"I'm sorry," Cloud hesitantly replied, voice soft as he nodded against Tidus' neck.

"It's okay," Tidus assured him. "It's kind of a relief, actually. It means you're not repulsed by me, right?" he teased, immediately lightening the mood.

"No!" Cloud chuckled, pulling away so he could look his partner in the eye, another tearful yet incredulous smile on his face. "No, I'm definitely not repulsed by you."

He closed his eyes as Tidus cupped his face, and exchanged with him a few sweet kisses. Cloud could feel the tension leaving his body as Tidus' lips made silent promises of hope and devotion. Once Tidus had satisfied Cloud's lips, Cloud craned his neck, hoping Tidus would take advantage of the newly accessible skin. He released a contented sigh when Tidus did just that.

Cloud couldn't put into words how much he appreciated this, how much he loved this. Even after confessing his remaining feelings for Zack, Tidus was still rewarding him with sweet kisses and a kindness that Cloud didn't even feel he deserved. Moving on was never easy, but maybe with help and trust, it could be done. This was love, and no way was Cloud going to lose it this time. He swore to himself he wouldn't.

A/N: Don't know if anyone caught this, but when Cloud says he feels like he'll "need [Zack's] strength down the line," it's a little reference to Advent Children Complete when Zack helps him through the battle with Sephiroth. Hee hee. I thought it was cute. Plus, that's my favourite scene in the movie. Anyway, that's it for now! Hope you enjoyed!