Chapter 36: Rotten Secret
"And Joe started to tell the doctor to fuck off!" Aubrey was telling us what happened in the doctor's appointment, while we were gathered in her living room.
"Yeah, we're planning to buy the things next week." Joe said while he placed his arm around Aubrey and caressed her belly.
"I want to thank you, Billy, for helping us and Adele," Aubrey shyly looked at Billy while he gave her a sharp nod.
"Yeah, bro, thanks," Joe added.
A couple of hours ago, I almost chew his head off, but he ended up kissing me. I don't know if that kiss meant something but I'm guessing that because we hadn't kissed like that in so long, that kiss was special. It was truly something beautiful and perfect. After that, we picked Joe up from his corner and we all came to Aubrey's apartment. Billy was changing, maybe he was dealing with some hard things in work, but hell, I know everything about our work and we are better than ever. Billy even announced to us, while we were on our way here, that he made a pact with the Hall. They were splitting their corners and half to half. Which means, that the hundred percent they make weekly, which is more than the double of Billy's week alone, will be divided in two hundreds. That will make Billy and the Hall unbreakable, and more harder to track, if the fuckin' police wants to sniff our asses, they'll ended up kissing it, anyway. I've been through a lot this past weeks, this past month, this past year. For once I thought I was gonna end up being miserable with Billy, but now, I'm glad I made a vow to him and we signed a pact that will endure for ever. I'm not in the Darley gang, because there are no women allowed, but I was sure busting my ass for this gang. I'd to shoot some man's shoulder, I had to kick a lot of asses and that was something that I thought it will be horrible, but now, I'm proud of it. I'm proud of being feared and I made Billy proud in some way. Bodie was right, I've changed so much in so little time. But I don't care, I'm happy with Billy and I love him. Now, looking into his eyes, feeling his touch, and sensing him near me, will only make me maintain my sanity. But I know, he wouldn't hit me again. He said he was sorry in the sincerest possible way. And I forgive him but I'm sure he knows that if he pulls out that shit again, I will leave him. I've done it before and I don't have a problem.
"So, this is Adele! Isn't she cute? She looks like Joey," Aubrey uttered in cheerfulness while she handed me over the sonogram picture.
"Aw! Adele is so beautiful! Isn't she gorgeous, Billy?" I said gazing at the picture and showing it to Billy, who was obviously fighting the craving of a cigarette.
Damn, I know this man too well! Every time, he twitched his neck more than four times, he needed a cig or was going to kill somebody. But he was so considerate that he didn't smocked near Aubrey, neither him nor Joe nor I smocked when she was near. Yes, I fucking smoke. I don't know why, but one day, Billy passed out and I left him in the couch as always, but his Malboro package fell to the floor from his pocket and I picked it up. I was wondering why Billy smocked this shit so much, and then I decided to smoke one. At first that think was disgusting! I coughed so many times I thought I was going to die for lack of air, but then you start to think, to remember things and to ponder about anything, even details, and that's where I found the spot, the peace. And I've been smoking now and then, but I control the smoking, the smoking doesn't control me. I just smoke when I'm fucking pissed or I need air. How ironic, but true. He leaned towards me and placed his arm around me, looking at the picture.
I smiled while he placed a hand on my thigh, like old times, and he said looking at Aubrey and Joe, "She's a Darley. And you can't deny the good features."
Aubrey smiled and Joe grinned from ear to ear, and I even joined them too. Billy accepted Aubrey, thankfully, and now Adele. Joe was so happy, and Aubrey was ecstatic. They were going to be a happy family, not perfect but happy. Aubrey was huge, I'm sorry, but she looked like she was going to have twins! Well, Adele already is six pounds and she's only seven months. She's going to be a big girl. I just can't believe that since Joe was attacked, by that dead shit of Hume, Aubrey was pregnant.
"I want to help you with the shopping! I'd love to!" I shouted already excited by the shopping.
"Ems, I need you shopping with me! I can't do it all alone!" Aubrey said while we both shrieked in happiness and Billy and Joe rolled their eyes.
"If you need anything, fucking tell me. I want my niece to have anything and fuckin' everything, you got that Joe, and Aubrey?" Billy gave them a stern look and waited for their nod, then he smirked.
I could sense he was feeling like the provider and he was pleased with it and glad to be able to supply for our family.
"Thanks, Billy." Joe gave him another nod and grinned.
Then, Billy gestured something to Joe and Joe gave him another nod. I could understand any shit about the damn Office or our work, however, I couldn't fucking understand their gestures and nods.
"Aubrey, let's go," Joe said standing up and picking his red leather jacket up.
"But why-," Aubrey frowned while she did the same.
"I want some ice cream! You said you fuckin' wanted an ice cream, now, move it, lets' go," he ordered while Aubrey stood up and grabbed her purse and jacket.
"But-but... we're leaving too?" I asked glancing at Joe and then at Billy.
"Stay," Billy simply but sharply ordered.
"We'll be back in an hour or later," Joe said literally dragging a concerned Aubrey with him.
Both left and I couldn't say goodbye to Aubrey. And first, why are we on Aubrey's dwelling ? Why do we need to stay? And why the hell are they leaving?
"Billy what's going on?" I stood up and turned around to eye him.
"Here," he sighed loudly while he reached for a backpack that was hiding, behind the couch, and tossed it next to him.
"What is that?" I pointed with my finger the backpack.
"Here's your clothes. Most of it," he simply stated while he repositioned his body on the couch. Now, he was inclined and his elbows rested on his knees.
"My clothes?" I mumbled.
Why would he gave me a pack of... Oh. So, he was dumping me? I couldn't deem the fact that: he kissed me, earlier, and now he dumps me? What the fuck am I saying? Dump? We ain't no high school fucking punks! He's my husband! And he needs to treat me with respect! A couple of people in the damn town does, so why he cant?
I placed my hand on my hips and gave him my back, I'm done with crying and I don't know why but some stupid feeble feeling has crept into my chest. Something in my guts was telling me that this was not going to end very well. Was he going to tell me that he cheated? Maybe Bodie thinks I'm insecure or clingy, maybe I am, but the real reason that I'm worried about Billy cheating on me is that I made him promise me that he won't do it, and he did promised me that. He didn't only promised me that, he made a vow keeping that promise in front of our witnesses and the damn minister. And if he broke that promise... that will make him unfaithful to me, to our pact. And what should I expect from somebody who's disloyal and doesn't keep his promises? Nothing! I don't care if he has all the money in the world, I just want him to be loyal to me and to keep his promises.
"Are you going to move out?" I said with a firm voice while I tapped my foot.
"No, you are," he answered.
That bastard!
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Billy? You know what? You read my mind! Fuckin' genius you are! I can't take it any longer! You with your stupid games! You know, you can be charming when you want to but when you don't want to, you can be a fuckin' pain in the ass!" I shouted.
"Calm the fuck down, Emma," he kept his voice calm and full with sorrow, "You are the one that's going to chuck me."
"What fuckin' makes you think that?" I turned and confronted him while I snarled it to his face.
"Will you calm the fuck down and listen to me, woman?" he stood up yelling, but then, he took a long inhale of air and continued, "You will be the one who'll want to leave me, after I tell you some things, I fuckin' need to tell you."
"Can't wait to hear what's so amazing that will make me do that!" I said sarcastically and just then he shot me a glare that made me realize that he was serious and that it wasn't something easy for him.
"You know, I can't believe that you are assuming that the oath I made to you, was something irrelevant and slight! I promised to stay with you because I fuckin' love you and now you are guessing that I will be the one that will want to leave you? If I wanted to leave you I will have done it long time ago, and you know I'm capable of it! Now, what are you going to tell me? That you broke our promise? You cheated on me?" I uttered every single word with a pain in my heart that was making me numb at anybody's feelings but mine.
"Fuck, Emma! You know that when I make a fucking promise, I fucking keep it!" he bellowed in my face, poking his chest with his index finger, and with such a passion in his eyes that made them glow, taking my fuckin' breath away.
"Ok," I licked my lips briefly and quickly as I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled hoarsely, "Ok! I know that, Billy. I'm sorry! But what the fuck do you want me to expect after doing this shit!" I tried not to yell but my tone was still high, he knew I was referring to the drunkenness and the backpack.
"Just- Just listen to me," he was going to bark but he ended up sighing.
I don't know what the fuck he did but it wasn't some joke and some stupid gang mistake. For him to have the hard time of finding the words and not telling me what was wrong before I could start talking, it must be something big. He always that had something bad to tell me, like Joe's initiation, he always, always told me the things fast and without any bluntness. So it will always be a shocker but I managed to digest it. I had to.
He sat down on the couch's edge and started to pull something out of his pocket. I sat next to him and waited for him to talk, but he only pulled out a black butterfly pocket knife. He set the knife on top of the crystal coffee table and sniffed. He looked down at his hands, he was staring and scowling at the palm of his hands, like gasoline was dripping them and burning them. Billy slightly moved his head to my direction and briefly locked eyes with mine. But then he looked down at the pocketknife while his cheek muscles tightened. After a long yet fast pause, he started to say.
"Remember when I told you about my initiation? The first killing, the worst killing," he said, never looking at me in the eyes.
"Yes," I uttered warily, afraid of what he could tell me.
"I stuck that woman with that knife," he informed me in a upset tone while he stared continuously at the knife.
"Baby, you told me that before. If it is for killing, I know how it feels. I-I-I... I've made mistakes too," I started to explain but he glanced at me and the poor light, that was in that living room made his eyes gleam with a an unknown emotion, and that interjected my statement.
"But you didn't killed my mother," he sighed while I tilted my head and frowned.
He avoided my stare and puckered his brows, sniffing one more time while I was trying to figure out what he'd said.
"What-what do you mean?" I stuttered.
"I was nineteen, Bodie was with me. We finished to sell in one of our old spots, and headed to our homes. There was this woman who looked for some Eddy and Robert. She looked rich and she wasn't from here. Emma," he said my name and grabbed my hands looking at me, "I didn't fuckin choose this. This fuckin' lifestyle chose me instead of ME choosing it! And I'd never fuckin' regret this-my life, but I do whish... for the first moment since I was a kid, I wish this would be fucking different."
"Billy, whatever you've done, I know how hard it is for you," I placed my hand on top of his and gave him a smile but he just avoided it and sniffed.
"We threatened her, intimidating her. We needed to pass our initiation, and I wanted to be a man. A real man. She started to run and we followed her, she ran to a crack house and headed upstairs. We found her in a room near an open balcony and I... I stuck her," he said the last phrase in pain while I took this time as a brief moment in which Billy will open himself to me, "then when we were gonna leave, but she... jumped."
"Billy, baby, it's ok," I whispered in his ear and cupped his face, making him to look at me in the eyes.
His blue greenish rimed eyes' sclera was red and I knew he was trying to fight the tears as always. I gave him another smile while his irises moved from side to side, slowly picturing every feature of my face. I unhurriedly meet his lips with a sweet peck, but he vaguely pushed me away placing his hands on my cheeks and depositing a kiss on my temple. After that, he took my hands and gave another kiss to both of them and lastly, our foreheads gently collided in our family's love gesture.
"I love you Billy," I whispered and at the instance he removed his head and stood up, walking to middle of the room while he rubbed the back of his neck.
He paced from side to side and then, stopping and looking at me, he said, "The woman that I killed is the woman from your family picture," he told me with an intent look.
I was scanning every word that he said and if he was referring to me, that was impossible, and my mother was yet more impossible. I widened my eyes, and my jaw dropped, I begin to feel my hands sweaty as my heart raced. I was... staggered and in the worst way. If Billy was playing some morbid and stupid joke, it wasn't fucking funny. I know she killed herself and didn't even said goodbye to us when we were in New York, not even a stupid damn note was found. And he knew, better than anyone, that my mother was a sore fucking subject! How can he pull tricks like this!
"She was wearing a pink cotton blouse and was calling for Eddy," he said to help me understand better this fucking puzzled stunt.
How does he know that? I don't even fucking know what she wore the day she passed away, but my mom only wore pink and pastel cotton blouses. She hated polyester and dark colors. And she always called Edward by Eddy. Just when I was going to bark the hell out of me, Edward's words stroke me.
"She didn't suicide. It appeared like it, but I stipulated an autopsy and they found that the way she inserted the knife it wasn't like a suicide, she was killed, Emma. She mainly died from-from-from-from the impact of the fall. She jumped from the balcony, but-but-but I think she didn't suicide. She didn't! She was murdered."
His words kept flying around my head and it was making me dizzy. I could feel a horrible sensation creeping and thriving in my stomach that slowly ascended to my throat. I was going to puke but I held it back. I was going to faint, but I unfortunately didn't. How could it be? No! I couldn't love the man that killed my mother. I felt so many emotions, rushing in and out of my body but my face was still and plain. I was dumbfounded and not a even a single facial muscle recoiled or winced from this repulsive news. But I could feel a tear, a burning tear sliding down my cheek, and I was too astound to wipe it away.
"No...no...no.. no," those were the only words I kept mumbling while I slowly frowned, glancing at Billy and then at the knife.
"I fucking hate myself for doing it. I didn't chose this! It chose me and I had no option," he said again with anger flashing through his eyes.
"But... I chose it.. for you," I said slowly while I stood up not feeling a single part of my body, only the piercing and gouged sensation in my heart.
He elevated his chin up and looked at me while he sniffed. And I could feel something awful and bloodcurdling rising from my stomach to my head. It was like this huge container was going to explode. I felt my face burning at the fury that I couldn't contain and as I lazily and faintly looked at him, I shot him a fucking glare with the intention of stabbing him with my eyes.
"And for that I don't fucking regret it. I wouldn't meet you. You wouldn't be with me if that-" he was going to finish his sentence but I couldn't hear this motherfucker anymore.
"I FUCKING CHOOSE YOU! I GAVE MY FUCKING LIFE FOR YOU! And you killed my mother? You motherfucker!" I yelled with all the madness I was feeling at the worst mistake I made: falling in love with Billy.
"Emma-" he said in a warning tone but I just had it.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" I bellowed while I threw fists in the air. "I gave up my life! I gave up my dream, my fucking dream! I murdered people because of you! I became a monster for YOU! AND YOU FUCKING PAY ME WITH KILLING MY MOTHER?"
I grabbed the first glass vase that it was near me and flung it to him, with the intention of harming him but he ducked it and shot me glare.
"I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU! You destroyed me! You manipulated me and I was so fucking stupid to do anything just to be with you! YOU TOOK HER AWAY FROM ME! HOW COULD YOU?"
I ran towards him and pushed him with all my might. He stumbled but only a few steps back, however, the fucker had to grasp my hands. With a strong grip of my hands, he pushed me against the wall and I tried to kick him to free myself but all went in vain. His eyes shot me a intense glare while I could see the redness emerging in his face. His jaw clenched as his veins slowly started popping up, one by one on top of his tattoos. He tilted his head, angrily and clutched his hands as hard as he could, breathing in as much heated oxygen as his lungs could hold. In the meantime, I tried to contain all the whimpers I could, the pain that he made me felt with his tight grip was nothing compared to the one I felt inside my heart. Rage coursed through his vein like voltage as he clouted the wall behind me with his fist.
"Now fucking listen to me! I did it not even fucking knowing you! And if it wasn't for the lil fuck of your father she wouldn't be there fucking searching for him!" he spat to my face, his eyes shimmering from the fury he felt.
"I hate you!" I hissed with acrimony to him.
How could I fell in love with the man that killed my mother! I wanted to sob, to wail, and to mourn her. Something I never did because I always thought she abandoned me. I always thought she left me alone with Edward and left me alone to take care of Paul. I always thought she was so selfish that she decided to leave us living the hell she helped to create. And now, all my resentfulness was gone. She didn't leave me, us. She was taken away from me... by the man that I most loved.
"How do you think I fuckin' feel? AH? IF I KNEW THIS FUCKING SHIT I WOULDN'T FUCKING DO IT!" he barked, obviously hurt by my hatred.
I let out a laugh, the worst spiteful laugh I've heard and made, and snarled to him, "You took her away from me and that is something I will never forgive, Darley!"
I gave him a glare that shot him knifes, an evil smirk appeared at my thoughts. His eyes widened and he knew he just lost me and... forever. I forgot I was a Darley, to hell with them Darleys, even me if I'm lucky. I was more than mad, I was fuming in evil feelings that were taking control over me and the only thing I could think of, was in revenge. Billy taught me well, with his dumb fuckin' actions, that when somebody messes with you or with someone you loved, they're fuckin' screwed. I wanted to hit him and hurt him so bad as much as he was hurting me with those news. But never in my mind came the thought of killing him. If it were another person, I wouldn't think twice about it, but with him... he was the man I loved, the man I vowed to love for the rest of my life. And now, he was standing in front of me, perceptibly hurt as I was, telling me that he killed my mother, that he attacked her, that he even had the thought of killing her and had a mission fucking accomplished. Although I spat with venom that I hated him, inside I knew better than anyone else, I couldn't hate him. But even if it will be the last fucking thing I made in life, he will pay for what he did to me and my family.
"Bob knows everything. And we told Paul," he loose the grip and took a step backwards.
The name of my brother made me go back to my senses. How could my brother know what this monster did to our mother and still stick with him? But still, I had to try to understand how Paul feels, but I couldn't. I was only feeling this abhorrence and loath sneaking into my heart, and it felt like a burning sensation. This hate filled me with a passion that I couldn't describe but it seared my heart and my soul. I was suffering what a hole in my soul felt. I could feel it burning and turning me on fire. Fire of revenge, disappointment, of grieve. This was just overwhelming and indescribable and I don't know how could I be standing strong, but I was.
"You know how you killed Hume, because he messed with Joe?" I said with my tongue soaked in poison, and faking coolness while I walked around him. "Well, now, I know how you feel and why you did it."
"What the fuck does that mean?" he hissed while I glower at him.
"Are you fucking dumb? You know what the fuck it means!" I wanted him to hit me, I wanted that so badly, and frankly I don't know the reason why, but it was elating me that I could sense that my words were hurting him.
"Are you fucking threatening me?" that son of a bitch barked while he dashed closer to me.
"I regret meeting you! I regret everything! I could be so happy with my life! And not this thing I am! Now, you haven't fucking met any worst enemy than me, Darley. And you will pay for what you did!" I barked back.
After I finished, we were not looking at each other as husband and wife, now... we were glaring at each other as... enemies. He twitched his neck and shot me a glare that I've only seen when he's near rival gang members. I pressed his buttons and fuck! I was having fun with it!
He took a few steps closer to me, our faces inches away, and this was not a romantic gesture, this was a confronting gesture he always made. Looking at me in the eyeballs, with a dead glare I thought I would never see, he hissed, "I am already fuckin' paying for what I did. But if you want to be that fucking stupid, you better fucking watch your back. And remember very well what I fuckin' taught you, 'cause you'll need it."
He was undoubtedly offended by what I've said and I couldn't be more glad about it. When he finished to make his fuckin' warning, a smirk arched in my lips while he turned and walked towards the door. I could feel every word that he uttered tingling my skin as I remembered it very well. He could be a fucking gang lord but with me, he's just a simple man, mere mortal. I know him very well. Best than nobody. I know his weakness and his strengths. And he will never hurt me, just like I could never hurt him. But I didn't had an option. Now I understand that we were always meant to say goodbye and this relationship will only hurt us. I thought that our love could overcome our differences and personalities but this... the blood of my mother on Billy's hands? Is just unforgettable. Before he could walk outside the apartment, he looked over his shoulder and uttered, "Goodbye, Emma."
That reminded me the night I showed him the stupid paintings I made about the fucking windmills! I said goodbye to Billy, but what I meant was that I will wait for him even though he didn't wanted me. And now, now, it's me the one who doesn't want him and he's the one who says goodbye meaning a see you later, hoping for a see you later. When he shut the door closed, I felt another wave of hate shocking me and the only thing I could do was scream angrily and throw the vases I could grab. All the vases and glass that I threw hit directly the door. When I couldn't see another thing to throw, I saw my engagement ring around my ring finger and frenziedly I pulled it out, throwing it against the door as well. After that, I was breathing heavily and I could feel my chest heaving in and out. The hatred was gone and all I could feel was the pain. That horrible sensation the made you wanted to stop breathing. At my fought with the tears, my knees began to tremble and I quickly fell to the floor. I couldn't take it anymore and I wept every tear that I decided to not shed when she died. I wailed and called her name, I called her by the title I refused to say.
"Mom! Mom! Mama! Mama! Ma, I'm... so.. sorry, Mama! Mom! I love your murderer! I'm so sorry! Forgive me, Mama! Forgive me, Mama! MOM!" I wailed with all my capacity.
My eyes were stung by the tears I shed, and I couldn't even open them. I managed to ignore the neighbors that knocked on the door, asking if I was ok. Can't they fucking hear me? No, I'm not ok! When I was feeling something that I haven't feel in months, I gave myself in. I was weak for the first time since I saw how they killed that Norman and Cora. I was weak. I tried to stood up but my knees weren't strong enough and I just fell aside. My left cheek was resting on the wood floor as I could feel a tear sliding down from my lateral canthus while I observed the gap that was underneath the front door. I could see the light that shone behind that door, the door that Billy exited and will never enter. My heart. That door was my heart. Once it was full of light and now is dark and with broken pieces all over it, just like the living room. The only thing I could think about was in our beautiful memories.
"Why, Billy, why you did this to me?" I whispered not wanting an answer.
Now, I understand why he didn't kissed me, until today. If it was up to confess what I really think, I never would've thought that we were gonna give the last kiss. It was so special and now, it remains as our last kiss. My eyelids started to close slowly while I could see a pair of feet that were opaquely shadowing the light that represented my happy life with Billy. I heard some voices and I recognized Aubrey's, then, the last thing I saw before closing my eyes, was feet approaching to where I was lying. Today was the day that my tears blotted the rest of my life.
"Aubrey!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
"Damn, Emma! What the hell?" she entered my room walking bow-legged.
"Haha!" I couldn't contain my self.
"What the fuck are you laughing about? I'll wait till you're pregnant so you can feel what it is to have seven pounds in your stomach. The last laugh is always the better laughter," she gently slid herself on a rocking chair.
"Ok, Aubs. Look, I was searching for my diar-notebook! My notebook, you know, the one that I left on top of the coffee table. Have you seen it?"
"No, honey. I'm sorry, Joe was here and I had to attend him," she rocked herself caressing Adele that was still in her womb.
"Aren't they cute? Mother and daughter together?" I chimed while I sat on top of my bed looking at her.
After the thing I call the apocalypses of my marriage, Aubrey stayed with me. Joe already told her why Billy was going to say to me in the apartment. For two weeks, I lied in my bed, which is in the guess room, now Adele's nursery and my room. I lied there and cried. Thankfully, Aubrey felt my pain and most of the time she gave me my space. I cried and didn't ate, neither took a bath. I just lied there, immobile and careless. Then, one day Aubrey came and gave me a notebook, she told me that whatever I wanted to tell to Billy I could write it down, and that will make my pain go away. I refused to do it, because it reminded me of the notebook I wrote and Billy read. So many things reminded me of him, I could even smell his scent, even though I was sniffling and had a stuffy nose, I could smell that bastard. I will like to say that I hated Billy , but every time that I wrote him a letter, that hate started to vanish. But still, I wanted him to pay for what he did. When I wrote the letters, I could feel the old Emma taking control of my soul, but as soon as I closed the notebook, I was desiring to see him in the mud, in the dirt. Whishing that I was capable of killing him... but I wasn't. I wrote how I felt and what I wanted to express to him, forgetting that he did so wrong to me. I remember feeling so weak and unloved I wrote the following:
"I assume you ask for an apology but not a reason of why I'd never written you a letter with a greeting. You know the reasons why, but today I feel so weak and drained and stupid that I will give you an apology, but nothing else. You and I had something beautiful and so dysfunctional, it couldn't last. It was a normal day, and I didn't expected it. I'd never expected such abomination like that. For what should I continue to lie? If you're gone. With each second that passes the infinity seemed to overthrow me. And the laughs and feelings we both emitted are now vanishing, but I promise you they will never leave my essence. Since you become a big part of me and for that my hate increases. I found this necessary and stupid, but I'll confess to you that I miss you. I promise to you that I will be loyal, and I tried but now, now, I can't. I promised to be with you and to love you with flaws and everything, but I can't be with you if I hate myself for promising that to you and keeping it. But, I promise that I will be faithful to you, not because I want to, but because I have no other option. We both know my body and soul is yours, and not even this had changed it."
I didn't wrote greetings nor closings, he doesn't deserve it. Aubrey had been with me all this time and I didn't know how to show my gratitude, so I always helped her around the house. After two weeks being a vegetable, I was ready to work, and damn, I needed to have some action. I most admit that I missed Bodie and Paul. But luckily, Joe always came to the house. At first I would cuss him out, but now, I don't want to feel lonely anymore.
"Where are you going?" Aubrey asked while she smiled.
"I'm going to see Paul. I'm not ready to see Bob, yet, I can't see... him," I sighed.
I couldn't see Bob, Bob was always in the shop, and Billy was going to be there. I couldn't see him yet. I wanted to be his worst nightmare but at night I always dreamt of him. Right now, I don't know if I'm able to forgive him, but I know that you can forgive at the measure you love. And I loved him with all my heart, but... I'm not ready to forgive him. Some nights I regretted ranting on him, but others I laughed at his affronted face. Some days, I cried his name, longing his touch his kiss... him, and other days I was cursing his name and spitting on our relationship. Divorce never crossed to my mind, and neither his. I didn't care if he was with other women, he was free now. And so was I.
"Then, I'll try to search that notebook," Aubrey groaned while she struggled to get up from the chair.
"But don't read it!" I shot her a glare and she laughed, " I mean it."
"OK, I won't!" she threw her hands in the air in surrender, "By the way, I found this, and I remember that this made my best friend so happy once. I'm going to ask her if she's ready to have it again. What do you think?"
With that she set a ring on the counter of the vanity set. I started at my engagement ring and I sat on the chair while Aubrey smiled and left the room. I sat there for a couple of seconds recalling his proposal and our wedding. Was I ready to have this ring? A voice kept pushing me to throw the ring outside the window but my heart wanted to see it again around my finger. I listened to my heart and slowly thrust it in my ring finger. I felt a smile creeping into my mouth but I was able to stop it before it turned into a grin. I took my keys, gun , etc. Things I need on the daily basis. I rushed to reach for my jacket and went outside my room. I made it to the hallways dashing to the living room and lastly to the exit.
"I'll be back in an hour or two, ok?" I yelled while Aubrey slowly walked towards the kitchen.
"Oh, Emma!" she interjected my exit.
"Yes?" I said twirling to see her.
"Will you be able to forgive him?" she took a couple of steps closer to me in a serious stance.
"Aubrey..." I sighed, bending my head down.
"Two weeks. Emma. You cannot lose yourself. You remember when you forgave him? For your sanity you forgave him. I know it's hard but you must. You can forgive and let him go, but don't let yourself go. I know this is hard, but it's in the past. I've seen in your eyes the thirst for blood and that is not you, Emma."
"I'm not the same Emma you'd met. And what will you do if Joe did what Billy did to me, ah?" I snarled.
"You forgive as much as you love. I love him so much that it will be hard for me but I will forgive him."
"You say that because it didn't happened to you!" I yelled, tears falling again.
"And you take that attitude because you never knew what it was to grow in the streets! You don't know the hell we've been through! Maybe you had your ups and downs, but we were always down, in shit! You had your times of happiness with your family in New York! But in here, in the world in which Joe, Billy and I and the rest grew, such fairy tales doesn't exist," she said sternly and securely.
"But Aubrey, still how can I? I hate him for what he did to me. He killed my mom," I sobbed while she gently grabbed my shoulders.
"I had to sell my body, because I had no other choice. I know why Billy did it, and that is why I would forgive him. Emma, You can't force that kind of commitment or hate ever. In the end it all comes crumbling down around you leaving a path of destruction and heartache in its wake. This world, you chose to enter in your own, is a world full of hate. What Joe and Billy had known and see is hate, and you were the first person that gave him love. You need to see how bad he feels for what he did. Don't become another hateful soul, Emma, forgive and if you don't want, don't be near him, but for your own good, forgive him."
"Aubrey..." I sighed sniffling.
She was right, but the thought of my mom screaming for help, blinded me. I admit it. I was blind. I wanted to be blind. I had to. That was the only way I could protect myself for being hurt again. After she hugged me I nodded and sniffed. I didn't wanted to cry. I was done being this pathetic girl, and right away, I shook my head a no. I can't forgive him, I lost myself long time ago. Why should I dig up somebody who's dead? My own good? I don't think there is any good underneath my bones, anymore.
"Ok," Aubrey exhaled noisily while she walked backwards towards the kitchen, "Just know that I will be here for you. I will always be here for you and that I love you. You are my sister and I don't agree with your decision but that wouldn't make me stop loving you. I just hope that when you open your eyes, it isn't already too late. Be home early."
She opened a can of cookies and gave me a warm beautiful smile while I wiped my tears away. Something about her voice was soothing and calm, maybe she was right, hell, she was. But my mind is so confused right now, I just want to leave, leave this sorrow, leave this world, leave this sadness. I slid into my jacket and exited the apartment, leaving Aubrey licking her fingers and eating the cookies. I walked outside the apartment complex and decided to walk to Bob and Paul's apartment, my old apartment. The day was cloudy and I think Jerry, the weather man, said that it was five percent chance of rain.
"Yeah, right," I scoffed and continued to walk on the sidewalk since the apartment was only a few blocks away.
While I looked over, I saw people walking on the other side of the street, they were busy and chaotic. The horns were heard and when you continued your pace you could hear the barks of some dogs behind you. The footsteps were drumming continually, heels clicking against the concrete and not only mine but others that were on the same path. Another honk was heard and I turned around to see the black Toyota passing by. I haven't been outside Aubrey's place for about two weeks, and I was feeling out of place. I stopped walking in the middle of my journey and dug for the damn Marlboros inside my purse.
"Where the fuck are you?" I mumbled and just when I was going to groan I found them.
I placed one cig between my lips and lit it. As soon as the pollutant nicotine entered to my mouth, I was impelled to exhale it. I need a smoke, a simple fucking smoke. Sometimes I had to walk out of the apartment in my robes to have one smoke, most of the time Joe joined me and we talked about things but never about Billy, the main topic was Adele. I pressed my lips to sustain the cig while I shoved the lighter and the pack down inside the black purse. I was going to enfold my fingers around the cig to exhale the smoke smoothly and continue with my pace, but some prick asshole lurched near me, shoving my shoulder with his and making my cig fall from the impact.
"Hey! Fucking watch it, moron!" I barked at the black tall man with a beard.
"I'm sorry, Miss," he smirked and then continue his way.
"Fucking Ma'am for you, prick!" I mumbled to myself.
I looked down at my poor cig and groaned frustrated. It was the last fucking one! Apparently Jesus wanted me to quick! I continued my pace and the memory that brought me that incident was the day that I asked Billy to stop smoking. I laughed at the remembrance but shook my thoughts away. I saw a mini store around the corner and decided to walk towards it and get my Marlboro. I've been there before with Bodie, recollecting Billy's money and it will be a quick stop. When I entered, the guy that was a cashier was the same guy that owed Billy money.
"Hey, kid, one pack of Marlboro's," I said snatching a twenty bill from my pocket.
"Fuck! I swear! I swear for my mother! I paid Billy! I did!" the white redhead kid said in fear.
His reaction fucking annoyed me, can't the fucker hear? With narrowing eyes, and a irritated look I repeated myself, "Calm down, kid. I just want a pack of Marlboro's."
"Here you go," he laid the pack on top of the counter while I handed him the bill.
"Thanks," I mumbled while I quickly shoved the cig between my lips.
"Here's your change," he said counting the bills.
I cocked my head and asked, "Did you really paid Billy?"
He nodded nervously and I knew that he didn't , so I said, "Keep the change."
With that I exited the mini store doors and lighted the cig. Just after I took five steps away from the store, I heard it. The rumbling of his engine. It used to be music to my ears and now it gives me chills to hear it again. I missed it. But now, I don't want to listen to it. I jogged towards the mini store's alley and hid behind the brick walls. They were whooping and I could feel Billy near. Looks, like the kid lied after all. The beautiful Ford Mustang parked in front of the mini store while Bodie's car parked behind Billy's. I peeked and saw Paul getting out of Billy's car and the rest of the boys. Billy slowly got out of his car with a cig on his mouth and walked around the car to give instructions. That man! Ugh! How can he still have this twisted control over my body. As soon as I saw him exhaling the smoke, I could feel my knees trembling, I could feel my heart racing and sweat perspiring all my body. I pressed myself against the wall so that nobody could see me. And then, I could hear his voice, deep voice. I did missed him with all my might, but still I can't forget everything and run to his arms.
"Paul, stay here with Baggy. Something fuckin' happens, fuckin' make the signal. You see a goddamn John, you get your ass to Bodie and tell him," Billy instructed with his voice thick with anger and another emotion I couldn't identified, "Bodie, check them fuckers. Now, shall we have some fun, ladies?"
With that I heard the bell chiming and I knew they all entered. This kid must owe a lot. Thankfully I gave him my change, but I think he owes ten times more, to have Billy that pissed. It was obvious he was going to dance the Macarena with him. They will beat the shit of him and leave him penniless. I peeked again trying to locate Paul and when I saw him I started to whisper his name. He snapped his head to my direction and glanced at Baggy which was talking to some girls there.
"Paul get the fuck over here," I whispered sternly and he jogged towards me.
"What are you doing? Are you ok? " he said warily as I dragged him close to him, I didn't wanted to see Billy, so if I talk to Paul fast and go, I will be a happy woman.
"I need to talk to ya," I said while he adjusted his leather jacket's collar.
"I don't know if I want to talk about it," he said while he lighted a cig.
"You don't? Aw, but I fucking do! How could you be with him knowing what he did to our mother!" I shouted in whispers.
"See? You wouldn't fuckin' understand! I made a promise to be loyal! I will even die for him if it's necessary. You don't understand, Emma. We are fucking blood! A family. And I hoped you'll understand just like I did, but is see you didn't."
I flickered my cig and lick my lips in anger, trying to contain myself, " I can't believe it! I can't!"
"It's not Billy's fault-"
"OH! And who is it?" I placed my hands on my hips.
"It's fucking Edward's! If it wasn't it for him, she wouldn't be searching for him. Emma, I've killed people too, I've killed someone's father, mother, sister, and brother. I had to do it! This is fucked up, Emma, I know it's fucked up! But it's done and I don't have any other option. And if I take that stupid pose you have, I'll get my head blown off! It's your decision and it's mine. I let things in the past, I don't care anymore, I don't want to remember things that are fucking stupid! You think I was happy? Hell no! I wanted to kill him but then Bob was right! Edward lied to her, he left us for fucking drugs and she decided to look for him. We'd never knew this shit until Billy told us. You think he had the right of telling us? Fuck no! He could keep his mouth shut and fucking lie to us, to you! But he didn't! He told us the truth and I can't believe that you, you who hated Mom, are the one throwing a fist right now."
"You are taking this fucked up situation slightly, Pauly," I said glaring at him.
"I'm not! Think! Fucking think! Will Mom be happy living in the hell we were? Will you and me be safe with her and Edward? I fucking think Billy made us a favor! He did a favor to her! He ended the hell she was living!" after he finished uttering it i slapped him so hard, his head snapped to the other side abruptly.
"You fucking watch it!" I snarled.
Paul closed and opened his eyes quickly, while the redness appeared on his cheek, "Do you think she was happy? Huh? Was she happy?"
He said in a calm voice while my eyes dropped to the floor, and he continued, "Then why she drank all those pain killers and swallowed antidepressants? HUH? Why we found her asleep and almost dead? Huh? Why one day we had to throw her in a cold bath SO SHE COULD AWAKE? HUH?"
I pressed my lips and controlled the tears from falling while Paul glowered at me in a horrible way. He was revealing old secrets that Anna made us to keep silent. She always told us that it wasn't something we should talk about, never. And it was the first time he said it to me. We always knew she tried to end her life multiple times but they were all faintly and unsuccessful. What Paul said was confronting and it was a dark past that I thought I left behind our old house doors. I wiped my tears and sniffed while Paul frowned angrily.
"Baggy, where the fuck is Paul? I swear I'll bust his ass if I find him fucking some whore!" Billy's barks interrupted our conversation and I quickly decided to leave.
"Paul, what the fuck have I always told you?" Billy stood behind me, while I could see Paul's eyes fixed on him, still glaring at our arguments.
"I'm sorry, Billy. I was just talking to..." Paul glanced at me and then at Billy.
"I ask you to do a simple fuckin' thing and you end up chatting with a whore?" Billy's footsteps came closer to me, obviously he didn't recognized my back.
But, like old times, that word and term irritates me, so I turned around and snarled to him, "Who you calling a fuckin' whore, Darley?"
After I faced him, I could see that his frown became a smoothed plain facial expression. His eyes widened and I could feel my heart racing and these other symptoms he cursed on me, rising up. I let out a loud huff and started to walk out of them both. I walked and walked towards Aubrey's place. I was thinking on Paul's words and trying to ignore the urge in me to run back and kiss Billy. My body wanted to feel his breathing so badly but my soul wanted to cry and scream. Maybe Paul was right. Fuck, everybody's right! But I don't give a damn! I don't! I continued to walk and without noticing time passing by, I was already near of the apartment complex. Just when I was going to take another steps closer to the enter, I heard sirens wailing. My eyes tried to search for the reason but all I saw was that there were patrols and an ambulance parking in front of the building. I frowned and thought that maybe something happened. I was hoping that Joe didn't caught himself on shit. But there are always domestic disputes inside the apartments so that could be the reason why the police is here. I was a bit worried for my gun but they won't search me. I jogged inside the building and ascended the stairs to Aubrey's home. Just when I got the second floor I saw people crowding Aubrey's door, mainly neighbors. My heart started to race and I dropped my purse when I saw a police officer trying to get the people out of the way. I ran towards the crowd and saw crime scene yellow tape throughout Aubrey's open front door. I swallowed hard when I saw the police wandering the inside of Aubrey's apartment.
"What happened? What happened? What the fuck happened?" I yelled while I jostled my way inside through people.
"Miss, you can't come in. I'm going to ask you to leave," an officer told me while I started to breath heavily.
"AUBREY! AUBREY!" I cried trying to enter the apartment, grasping the door frame but the officer held me back.
"Miss, calm down, please," the officer groaned in his struggle of holding me back.
"Aub-" my cried ceased when I saw the pool of blood in the middle of the living room.