Little Tragedies, Issue 35
Author's Foreword:
So tomorrow is going t be my last class! No more 8+ hours of taking care of multiple newborns and their parents ... I will kinda miss that ... sure I am not getting paid but there was something to it that keeps drawing me there ... oh well! All the students are pitching in 20 bucks to get one of those big aft cakes that can apparently feed 50 people ...
Gonna focus on work this summer and ask them to extend my hours even further. Sure, I started off with 12 and they gave me 11 more but my tuitions are not going to pay for themselves! Maybe I should pick up a second job ...
I think every Tuesday I will dedicate the whole day to just drawing. I haven't touch my tools in such a long time! .
The only two reasons I am waiting for The Avengers movie are Tony Stark and Thor. Everybody else can get fragged for all I care.
So today I stumbled upon this ... http:/ tf / wiki/ King ... just remove the spaces or look it up there ...
Enjoy the issue!
Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)
Mirage is trying to woo his date:
"Would you like wine or vodka?'
Slipstream:
"Wine, please."
"Red or white?"
"Red."
"Iaconian or Charrian?"
"Iaconian."
"Sweet, half-sweet or strong?"
"Urgh to hell with it! Give me vodka!"
Tracks:
"How to captivate a man:
Come up to him.
Look him in the eyes.
Cry and run away."
Mirage:
"You are not my taste."
Tracks:
"You didn't try me yet."
Back in highschool. Arcee's mom:
"Where are you?"
Arcee:
"Just walking around."
"It's dark!"
"So?"
"Isn't it scary?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I am scary."
Flipsides:
"Mommy, where do you put tampons?"
Tracks, choking on an apple:
"Um, where the babies come from."
"Into a crane?"
Arcee comes up to Soundwave:
"Excuse me, I think you are the father of a few of my kids."
Soundwave:
"Inquiry: WHAT?"
"From my class …"
"Oh …"
Megatron:
"I want things to be the way they used to be."
Starscream:
"When we were together?"
"When I didn't know about you."
Tracks to Soundwave before their first interface:
"Don't ask me where I learned it, just enjoy!"
Soundwave decided to play a prank on Tracks and gave him a pregnancy test with one of the stripes drawn on it. Tracks:
"Sweetie, what do three stripes mean?"
Flipsides and Shockblast are kissing. Soundwave, angrily:
"Threat: I will show you how to kiss my daughter ..."
Shockblast:
"No thanks, I know how."
Tracks, Soundwave, Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy are having dinner when the phone rings. Soundwave:
"I will pick it up."
Soundwave picks up the phone. Soundwave:
"Hello?"
A kid's voice from the other side of the line:
"Daddy?"
Arcee is walking down a country road when Lugnut passes by her on a car. Lugnut:
"Arcee, want me to drive you?"
Arcee:
"Sure! Thanks!"
So they are driving and at some point Lugnut puts his hand on her leg. Arcee:
"Remember psalm 129."
"Forgive my moment of weakness."
Sometime later, he again puts his arm there. Arcee:
"Remember psalm 129."
"Forgive me."
This happens a few more times, finally he drops her off, goes home and sees what is psalm 129:
"Aim higher and you shall achieve victory."
Malebots: Fembots never say "Yes" straight out.
Fembots: if you want something, talk clearer.
Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy:
"Daddy, is it true that in some countries you don't know who you will marry?"
Soundwave, sighing:
"That's in every country."
Rumble sends Frenzy a text message:
"Parents left for their vacation, called the girls, they will be coming; bought the beer, get some condoms."
By accident, Rumble sent it to Soundwave. Soundwave:
"Got it, will be there in a second. Want vodka?"
Wheeljack calls up Soundwave. Rumble and Frenzy:
"Hello?"
Wheeljack:
"Oh, hey guys! How are you two?"
"Great! Thanks for asking, Uncle Wheeljack! How are you?"
"I am good! Hey, you think I could talk to Tracks?"
"Mommy can't, he is in the bathroom."
"Oh, ok. What about Soundwave?"
"He is in the bathroom too."
"Oh, you think they will come out of there anytime soon? It's kinda important."
"No, sorry, there is no way they will be coming out of there any time soon."
"Why not?"
"Daddy asked us for some Vaseline but we didn't have any so we gave him some glue …"
Starscream:
"Do you love me?"
Megatron:
"Yes."
"Then let's get married!"
"You can't change the subject just like that!"
Soundwave, after his first date with Tracks, goes to a pharmacy, buys 12 condoms and asks for a tiny chocolate bar. Bumblebee:
"You are not gonna get that much for just one chocolate bar."
Soundwave, grinning:
"Oh, yes he will."
Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy – a kid's wisdom:
"If mommy is laughing at daddy's jokes, that means we got guests."
Megatron and Starscream wake up. Megatron kisses Starscream on the forehead. Starscream:
"Aw, how cute …"
Megatron:
"Why aren't you turning into a beautiful princess?"
Starscream looks at himself in the mirror:
"I think I gained some weight and just look horrible. A compliment would be nice right about now!"
Megatron:
"You are always right."
Cosmos is waiting for his kid to pick them up from school. Arcee:
"Excuse me, are you with a child?"
Cosmos:
"No, I am just fat."
Arcee at a confession:
"Forgive me for I have sinned. Every time I look at the mirror I always think about how beautiful I am."
Lugnut:
"Keep on doing it, it is simply a delusion."
Soundwave comes to a sport store, wanting to get Tracks a jumpsuit he always wanted. Soundwave:
"Inquiry: excuse me, I don't know my bondmate's measurements, would you mind helping me out? He is 175 cm tall and weighs 50 kilograms. What would you recommend?"
Blackarachnia:
"A statue in his honor."
Soundwave and Tracks got into a fight. Tracks said that he will be going to a gym and Soundwave will go biking. In the end both met up in a pastry shop.
Tracks, using a nail, scratched a message on Soundwave's most expensive car:
"I forgive you."
The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)
Hound:
"Mirage! You are such a treasure sometimes, I just want to bury you."
Optimus:
"I am drowning in your eyes!"
Arcee:
"They are brown!"
"So?"
"Do you even know what you are drowning in?"
Sunstreaker is drawing Perceptor when he suddenly comes up to him and kisses. Perceptor:
"What are you doing? Do you kiss all your models?"
Sunstreaker:
"No, you are the first."
"How many did you have?"
"Four: an onion, a fish and a chair."
Kup sits down on the bus with a dog. Arcee:
"Excuse me, would you mind going somewhere else with your dog? I am getting fleas jumping all over me!"
Kup to his dog:
"Let's go, this woman has fleas."
Arcee:
"Tell me, yes or no, ok?"
Wheeljack:
"Sure."
"Why do people laugh at blondes?"
"Yes."
Arcee:
"What would you do if I died?"
Hot Rod:
"I would shoot myself."
"… but your gun is being repaired."
"Then I will borrow Springers and give it back after."
Optimus:
"All your friends are ugly!"
Arcee:
"All your friends drink!"
"Yes, because all your friends are ugly!"
Optimus:
"Sweetie!"
Arcee:
"Yes, kitty?"
"Would you mind making me a cup of energon, honey?"
"Definitely, dear."
"Thanks, love!"
"You are welcome, sweetheart."
"Wait, so you don't remember what my name is too?"
Elita One, angrily:
"By the way Arcee smiled at Optimus, I noticed that she has too many teeth …"
Hot Rod and Arcee wake up. Hot Rod:
"I love you, I am probably your first?"
Arcee, still waking up:
"Today – yes."
A date between Arcee and Optimus. Optimus is late. Arcee:
"He is late and didn't even apologize!"
Optimus comes:
"I am sorry …"
"To hell with your apologies!"
Perceptor:
"My hand is tired!"
Arcee:
"Oh, sweetie, if you need someone …"
"No, I was helping out Wheeljack …"
"Now you are just screwing with my imagination!"
Arcee:
"If malebots like beautiful women that are hard to get, I will put on a ton of make-up and lock myself in a safe."
Arcee:
"Ratchet! I keep talking to Optimus for hours upon hours but he doesn't say a single word in response! He probably has some sort of a psychological disorder!"
Ratchet:
"No, that's not it."
"Oh? What is then?"
"Talent."
Optimus:
"I make so much money that I can support three fembots like you!"
Arcee:
"Really?"
"Yes."
"In that case my mom and grandma are gonna move in …"
Optimus:
"I am going to ask Arcee out."
Ironhide:
"Ok, Prime, seriously, why the frag are you doing this? Name me at least one good thing about her! Her intelligence? Is she nice?"
"She doesn't watch Bichaly May's Transklonkers."
"MARRY HER!"
Optimus and Arcee are lying on a bed and both stare at the ceiling. Arcee thinks:
"He is not talking to me, he must have stopped loving me!"
Optimus thinks:
"How the hell can a fly walk on the ceiling?"
Arcee and Hot Rod are stargazing. Hot Rod:
"Hey, you see that star?"
Arcee:
"Yes."
"That's me. You see that star?"
"Yes."
"That's you. You see my star being on top of that other star?"
Arcee, lecherously:
"Yes."
"That's me on a dirt bike …"
Arcee just gave birth. Arcee:
"So is the worst over?"
Ratchet:
"The worst is about to come for over 18 years."
It takes seven seconds for energon to reach your stomach.
The length of the malebot spike is three times the length of their thumb.
Fembots blink twice as much as male bots.
Fembots have already read and finished this text, the malebots are still staring at their thumb.
Arcee:
"It is so hard to reach Optimus sometimes!"
Smokescreen:
"Why don't you get a cellphone?"
Arcee:
"You think it is pleasant for me to hear a fembot voice saying that he is unavailable?"
When Optimus met Elita One, they began dating. After a whole year of dating he proposed to her and all preparations went underway. The only thing that bothered Optimus was Firestar, her younger sister: she always wore mini-skirts and tight tank tops. On the day before the wedding Firestar called up Optimus Prime to help her out with the preparations and Optimus came. Firestar, at some point:
"Optimus! I really want to interface with you! I know you are going to get married to my sister but it will be a one-time thing! If you want to, I will be waiting for you in the bedroom."
Optimus, confused, stood there for a good minute and then left the house and got into the car when Alpha Trion randomly popped out:
"I am very glad you passed our little test, now I know that you are the man for my daughter. Welcome to the family!"
Malebots: leave condoms in the car.
Optimus:
"Elita One, I don't think I can marry you! They say that you had a lot men!"
Elita One:
"Do you not like how I cook?"
"No, I love it!"
"Maybe you do not like how I clean the house?"
"No, it is very clean!"
"Maybe you do not like how I treat guests?"
"No, it is great!"
"Maybe you do not like our interface life?"
"Are you kidding me? I never thought it was possible to have that much pleasure!"
"Please tell me you do not think that I learned all these things in high school and university …"
Perceptor:
"Statistics show that malebots have 1.5 more interfaces than fembots."
Ratchet:
"With whom?"
Arcee:
"So I bought a tea for weight loss."
Elita One:
"And?"
"It is goes very good with cake!"
Swindle is selling weight loss pills:
"Arcee, here are two pills, take them before you sleep and come back for two more if you wake up …"
Arcee at a carnival comes to the horse rides:
"Excuse me, I recently lost a lot of weight but I am afraid that I may still have some. It won't get scared if I sit on it, will it?"
Hound:
"Don't worry, it doesn't look back."
Arcee:
"I am so depressed! Optimus is cheating on me! I lost so much weight!"
Elita One:
"Then break up with him!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"I still have three kilograms to get rid of!"
Smokescreen:
"Fembot logic is the opposite of malebot logic."
Arcee:
"You are wrong!"
Hound, in his notes about Earth:
"Every German plumber wishes to be called just to fix the plumbing in the house."
Hound, in his notes about Earth:
"When the Frenchman was inventing the piano, he was thinking about a woman. When the Spaniard was inventing the guitar, he was also thinking about a woman. When the Italian man was inventing the violin, he was, too, thinking about a woman. Question: what the hell was the Russian man thinking about when he was inventing the balalaika?"
Optimus' phone rings and he picks it up. Optimus:
"Hello?"
"Hey, you do remember that we are going to the theatre today?"
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Which one?"
"The Globe Theatre."
"What's on?"
"A Shakesperian play."
"What seats?"
"Front row."
"All right, just one question."
"Yes?"
"Who the frag is this?"
Rodimus comes to the IT department and gives Wheeljack a whole bunch of papers. Rodimus:
"Send those over email to Ultra Magnus."
Wheeljack, confused:
"I can't …"
"Why not?"
Wheeljaack, after a facepalm:
"… because we ran out of electronic envelopes …"
Arcee:
"Hey! Girls! I got two positive pregnancy tests here, anybody wants to borrow them and scare the crap out of your malebots?"
Elita One:
"You look a lot like my third husband."
Ultra Magnus:
"How many did you have?"
"Two."
Elita One:
"You lost so much weight!"
Arcee:
"Is that a compliment?"
"It's a horror!"
Arcee:
"Buy me a carpet!"
Optimus:
"Fly on a broom."
Elita One:
"Do you love your husband?"
Arcee:
"Of course! I love malebots!"
Under The Degree (G1)
Starscream, drunk:
"I will name my kids Control, Alt and Delete. If any crap happens, I will just hit all three of them."
Kup, drunk:
"Heaven that you cannot leave turns into hell."
Kup, drunk:
"A realist doesn't give a crap if the glass is half-full or half-empty, they care about what is in it."
Kup, drunk:
"Interestingly, the fembots that don't throw themselves on your neck, are more noticed by the optics."
Kup, drunk:
"He promised he would call her when she least expects it but she always waited which is why he never called."
Kup, drunk:
"Fembots can never be too fat, just more places to kiss."
Arcee, drunk:
"Why do people say that we, fembots, love money? Look at the speed we get rid of it!"
Hot Rod:
"How do you tell real love from fake love?"
Smokescreen:
"Well …"
Kup, drunk:
"Fake love: I adore the snowdrops in your hair, you look so pretty. Real love: where the frag is your hat?"
Kup, drunk:
"Our grandkids will have a horrible childhood: their grandparents with tattoos, piercings and dancing hip-hop …"
Kup, drunk:
"When the bride throws the bouquet into the crowd, the fembots are all trying to catch it and the malebots are standing off to the side thinking: I hope it's not my girlfriend, I hope it's not my girlfriend …"
Kup, drunk:
"Fembot logic is the death of malebot psych."
Arcee:
"Hey!"
Hot Rod:
"How do I tell her that I love her?"
Kup, drunk:
"I don't need anything other than you and the TV."
Optimus:
"After years of marriage Arcee and me began thinking the same way."
Kup, drunk, choking:
"She thinks about fembots too?"
Kup, drunk:
"It is not that hard to make a fembot happy, what's hard is keeping yourself happy."
Kup, drunk:
"If a malebot washes any of his clothes – they are his last."
Kup, drunk:
"Millions of people want immortality and yet they do not know what they will do tomorrow."
Optimus:
"The guy who invented the telephone is a genius."
Hot Rod:
"Maybe it was a fembot who invented it? They talk for hours on those."
Kup, drunk:
"That's why he invented the telephone, to have some peace."
Kup, drunk:
"An adult is a kid whose wish to grow up was granted."
Arcee, drunk:
"The most beautiful thing about a malebot is his brains – you can frag with them all you want and it is always entertaining!"
Optimus:
"Why are girls so nice, kind and caring when women are mean and hurtful?"
Kup, drunk:
"Primus made girls, you guys turn them into women."
Kup, drunk:
"A malebot can swear anything when a fembot's heart is in his servos."
Kup, drunk:
"Fembots only need one thing from their malebots – everything."
Perceptor read a book about being a social person and it said there that you should smile a lot so Perceptor decided to smile the whole day. Wheeljack:
"Perceteh, if ya come tah work drunk again, I'll fire you!"
Kup, drunk:
"Some fembots are like police: they will talk slag to you, take your money, make you feel horrible and you end up the bad guy."
Kup, drunk:
"A single malebot is a wiseman. A married malebot is a philosopher. A twice married malebot is a fragging moron."
Hot Rod:
"Why do fembots get married?"
Kup, drunk:
"Lack of life experience."
Trailbreaker:
"Why do they divorce?"
Kup, drunk:
"Lack of patience."
Springer:
"Why do they get married again?"
Kup, drunk:
"Lack of memory."
Kup, drunk:
"Fembots do not like two words: no and more. Especially if there is the word 'money' right after."
Kup, drunk:
"It is best to write your lover off in your cell phone as 'Unknown Number'."
Kup, drunk:
"On the intergalactic fembot symposium they talked about three things: nothing to wear, all malebots are morons and how to lose weight."
Author's Notes:
Have any of you noticed how great Megatron is in every continuity at screaming "RETREEEEAAAT!"?
So I finished playing Mass Effect 2 and waiting for Mass Effect 3 to download. I am hoping this to be among the last games I play (except for Fall of Cybertron). Mass Effect is pretty good, it is not the worst and not the best. Mass Effect 2 is definitely an improvement although the final boss fight could have been more challenging ...
Some recent events proved to me once more that if you approach the problem with humor instead of anger, it will go away sooner. I strongly suggest for everyone to do that, my life certainly got tons better!
There is this cartoon called "Bots Master", look up the intro, it is quite catchy but Transformers blows that thing away. I may possibly watch it at some point.
Speaking of which, some companies are coming back to a lot of 80's and 90's cartoons and re-making them into high quality! Among the lesser known are Ulysses 31, Pole Position, Pirates of Black Water, Jem, Wheel Warriors, Street Sharks, Toxic Crusaders, Silver Hawks, The Gummy Bears (yes, they made a cartoon), Cops, Inspector Gadget, Astroboy (FOR THE LOVE OF PRIMUS NOT THE NEW ONE), Biker Mice from Mars, Centurions, Drak Pack, Happy Days Gang (yes, they made a cartoon), Heathcliff, Richie Rich, Catdog and TONS more!
In any case, I hope you enjoyed the issue!
Don't forget to leave a review!