Episode 2x14: Manhattan

Milah was sitting in her home doing something constructive for the first and last time, when her husband bounded through the door. "Hey, honey, guess what?"

"You're taking up armed robbery?" she asked hopefully.

"No, but there will be bloodshed involved. Does that earn me any sex appeal points?" Rumplestiltskin held up a conscription notice. "I'm off to pit my skeletal body and arsenal of crochet hooks against horde of rampaging monsters. Isn't it great?"

"Are you high?"

"Just on testosterone, baby!"

Milah was hesitant. "I don't like this. Don't soldiers have to fight in wars?"

"And how!" He took out a hobby horse and capered around the room giddily. "Whee! Time to stab some bad guys!"

Milah raised her eyebrows. "Er, honey, how old are you supposed to be, again?"

"Beats me." He looked in the mirror for a few seconds, then shrugged carelessly. "I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is, military service will repair the damage my reputation took when word got out that I have a father who wears tights."

"Yes, and while I can never look at you the same way after finding that out, I still know you'll make me proud." She kissed him. "Just be safe, and remember that I love you almost unconditionally."

He smiled dreamily. "And when I get home, we can start a family that won't be plagued by selfishness, black magic and abandonment, for a change."

Gold, Emma, and Henry arrived at an apartment building so large it had managed to show up on a world map. Emma was skeptical, as usual. "Are you sure we've got the right place? And the right time? I mean, theoretically, your kid should be two-hundred-years-dead by now. Maybe we should check the graveyards…"

"No, he's got to be here. The artifact given to me by my murderous, backstabbing ex-girlfriend said so, and if I can't trust her, who can I trust?"

Said psychopath had just discovered Chanel, and was feeling magnanimous, so she decided to throw her daughter a bone and be comforting for once. "Are you okay, pumpkin?"

"Oh, sure," Regina sneered. "I mean, my curse has been broken, my child's been kidnapped, and the only person left in the universe who cares about me is a bloodsucking murderer, but other than that, I'm peachy. How are you feeling?"

"I'm not," Cora replied cheerfully. "You should really consider giving it a try."

Hook stormed into the room. "Hey, what's the deal? I just went to kill Rumplestiltskin, and all I found was a sign on his door that said, 'Gone Reconcilin'. What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Who cares? With him out of the picture, my status as the coolest villain in town is undisputable!" Regina smiled broadly. "My Evil Regals are going to be thrilled."

The pirate sighed. "As much as I would love to stick around and challenge you for that title, I can't afford to pass up an opportunity like this. While Rumplestiltskin's outside Storybrooke, he'll be powerless to defend himself against me. Unless he starts whacking me with his cane again, in which case, I'm screwed."

"My money's on Rumple," said Cora. "Or you could ally yourself with me, if by some miracle, you're crazy enough to try that again."

"I'm pretty sure I am," Hook replied nonchalantly.

"It's your funeral. Well, what we've got to do is find his magic dagger, and I don't mean the one in his pants."

"Ew!" her companions screamed in unison, running to the bathroom to wash their ears out with some bleach. "Still not clean! Still not clean..."

Inside the geographically-overrepresented apartment building, Henry was scanning the names on the intercom. "No Baelfire. I guess it's a name that's simply too cool for this world."

Emma pointed at a blank name. "This has to be him—it obviously belongs to a person who doesn't want to be found or likes acting mysterious. Either way, it's a clear sign he's related to you."

Gold was offended. "Hey, he might not be running. He might have worked through his abandonment issues and discovered the healing power of forgiveness."

Emma laughed. "On this show? Not likely." She buzzed the apartment. "Yo, open up, I've got an emotional Pandora's Box to deliver."

"Oh gods!" a tearful, slightly drunken voice on the other line wailed. "I'm hearing her voice in the intercom again!"

They all exchanged confused stares for a long moment, until a guy fleeing down the fire escape mercifully provided them with a change of subject. "Well, you called it, Swan. All that remains is for you to hunt him down and work the Charming Family Charm until he agrees to give me another chance."

"I'm kind of a newbie, but I'll do my best." She took off after the love of her life with a huge rock, like her mother before her. "Just make sure Henry doesn't die again while I'm gone."

"No promises," the pawnbroker replied curtly.

The other pedestrians took no notice of the woman chasing her ex-boyfriend through the streets with a rock. It was New York. Finally, her prey tripped over a little tabby kitten named Oliver, and she was able to tackle him to the ground. "Neal?!" she shrieked in disbelief. "You're the son of a cold-blooded criminal mastermind? I'm shocked. Well, not that shocked." She pried herself off him. "What are you even doing here? I thought you went to Canada."

Neal shrugged sheepishly. "I tried, but it was cold."

"Explanation accepted. That just leaves us with the little matter of you BREAKING MY HEART AND SENDING ME TO JAIL!" She punctuated each word with a swing of her rock.

"There's a very good explanation for that."

"Then why didn't you ever tell it to me?!"

Neal's mouth worked soundlessly as he tried to remember what the hell he'd been thinking at the time. After a few minutes, he finally gave up and changed the subject. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm working for your dad."

"Wow. And to think, for all these years, I thought you were smart." Neal looked disappointed. "But wait, you tried to reunite me with a long-lost family member? What kind of sadist are you? And how dare you betray me like that after all I've done for you? I mean, what about my needs? What about me? What about-" She gave him another smack with the rock, and he shook his head dazedly. "Whew, I think I just had an out of character experience. Thanks for snapping me out of it." He motioned for her to follow him. "Come on, let's go somewhere private. I need to grovel and I don't want the kitten to see."

Henry munched happily on a hot dog, while Gold held a vial labeled "Baby Poison" over it. Then the kid looked up, and Gold hastily shoved it into his pocket. "Thanks for the hot dog, Mr. Gold."

"Hey, you helped reunite me with my son. The least I can do is give you a last meal."

Unfortunately, being Snow White's grandchild, Henry was terrible at recognizing when someone wanted him dead. "You know, I forgave Emma for hocking me to a crooked pawnbroker like I was a kilo of crack or something. There are those who say I'm not bitter enough about the whole thing, but I say let bygones be bygones. Maybe your son will be the forgiving type, too."

"I doubt it. He's related to Milah, after all." He mussed the boy's hair. "But thanks for trying to cheer me up, kid. I'm gonna miss you."

A bartender sat two five-gallon buckets of beer in front of Neal and Emma. Neal shook his head. "Bigger."

"Are you sure, buddy?"

"If you had any idea how awkward this conversation was going to be, you'd understand." He handed the buckets back and turned to Emma. "So, what did you want to know?"

"I want to know what your Oscar picks for this year are, of course!" she sneered sarcastically, giving him another smack with the rock. "I want to know why you framed me and abandoned me with a ba—uh, a bundle of psychological issues!"

Wishing with all his heart that he'd had the foresight to wear a helmet that day, Neal nodded. "Fair enough. Well, when I went to fence the watches, I ran into your friend August."

"Oh right, August. Whatever happened to him, anyway?"

"I don't know, but whatever it was, he probably had it coming," Neal grumbled, waving his empty wallet at her. "So, he told me about the curse, and proved it was the truth by showing me a box with the words 'I know you're Baelfire' inside it."

"Wait, August knew you were Baelfire? How?" Emma massaged her head, which was really starting to hurt.

"I dunno. Anyway—"

"And why didn't he just say so?"

"It's August. Dramatic reveals are air and water to the guy."

"And how the hell do you know how to read English in the first place?"

"Do you want to hear the freaking story or not?" Neal snapped. "Anyway, he told me I had to break your heart and sever all contact with you for your own good." Neal sighed. "I believed it at the time, but in retrospect, I think he had a thing for you and was trying to get me out of the picture. It's the only thing that makes sense."

"You sent me to jail because Pinocchio told you to?!"

"Gee, when you say it out loud, it does sound pretty stupid." He averted his eyes sheepishly.

"Are you saying you didn't know who I was?"

"No, although I kind of suspected after that comment you made about moving to Neverland."

"So, you're telling me that Rumplestiltskin's son managed to live for three hundred years, and find and score with Snow White and Prince Charming's unwitting daughter, in a world of seven billion people, by accident?"

"Hey, we're dealing with the same minds that decided to make Jack Shepherd and Claire Littleton long-lost siblings," Neal reminded her.

"You must think I'm dumber than Dopey and Cinderella put together!" Emma hoisted her rock menacingly.

Yelping, Neal shielded his head with both hands. "Okay, how about this? Maybe it was fate?"

Emma was unmoved. "Where did you get that line? A fortune cookie?"

"You mean there was nothing good that came from our time together?" Neal prodded. "August said there was, but the cryptic bastard wouldn't tell me anything specific." His eyes lit up. "Say, that gives me a great idea! Why don't you tell my father that August is his son? They've got enough in common to make it more than plausible, and that way, I get off the hook and get my revenge on August in one fell swoop!"

"That idea might work, if I didn't hate your lying guts. I loved you, and you betrayed me!"

Outside, a group of Swan Queen and Captain Swan shippers were watching them through a window. "She said 'loved', in the past tense!" A mighty cheer rose up from the crowd.

"What was that?" Neal looked over his shoulder for the source of the noise. "Eh, I guess it doesn't matter. But tell me, if you really hate my guts, why are you wearing that keychain I swiped for you?" he challenged.

"Uh...Swan Princess reference," she fibbed. "Now come on, it's time to go reunite with your father."

"Aw, but I don't wanna!" Neal griped.

"Then tell him yourself! I'm not your freaking answering service!"

Neal pouted. "I should have stuck with Wendy. She never nagged me like this."

At the front lines, Rumplestiltskin was dressed up as an RPG character. He tugged uncomfortably at his hauberk. "I don't think the warrior class suits me. Maybe I should've gone sorcerer instead."

An officer approached him. "Soldier?"

Rumplestiltskin glanced around confusedly, until realization kicked in. "Oh, you meant me? Most people just call me 'Legs.'"

The officer's face twisted with revulsion. "Ew, you mean you're the son of that tight-wearing sissy who everyone's been talking about?" He shuddered. "As much as I hate the idea of seeking help from such an accursed creature, I'm desperate." He indicated a covered cage nearby. "I need you to guard this crate, the contents of which will make or break our defense."

"If it's so important, why don't you do it?"

"Because the crate told me my baby mama is cheating on me with my stepfather, and now I have to go commit suicide." The officer headed off to the nearest weapon rack, giving a little wave. "Goodbye, cruel world."

"Ouch. Poor guy."

"Rumplestiltskin?" a voice from the crate called out.

"No. My name is Rump-el-stiltskin," the spinner corrected.

"Eh, close enough." The creepiest child he'd met since his father peeked out between the bars. "Can you get me a drink of water?"

"Why should I?"

"Because the Geneva Convention says so."

"Never heard of it," the spinner replied coldly. "So tell me, how do you almost know my name?"

She held up her hands, revealing a pair of blue eyes embedded in the palms. "I can see the future."

"Eep." Rumplestiltskin recoiled. "Why, exactly, do you need eyeballs on your hands to see the future?"

"That's not relevant to the plot. What is, is the fact that Milah's pregnant."

"Um…exactly how long have I been gone, again?" Rumplestiltskin began counting on his fingers pensively.

"Just trust me on this. Your wife will bear you a son, and your actions on the battlefield tomorrow…will one day lead his girlfriend to dump him for his stepfather!"

"NOOOOOOOO! PLEASE, DEAR GOD, TAKE ME INSTEAD!" Rumplestiltskin wailed in despair. "But…wait, that doesn't even make sense. You're probably just making that up." He unplugged the television in her tiny cell. "I think you've watched enough Jerry Springer for today, kid."

"It's not pretty, but it's true," the seer persisted. "When you see the army ride cows into battle, you will know I speak the truth."

Annoyed, Rumplestiltskin covered the cage and stalked off. "I hate cryptic, disfigured magical beings. Boy, I sure hope I never become one."

"Gold is Henry's grandfather? You've got to be kidding me!" Mary Margaret repeated incredulously into her phone. "And who the hell is his great-grandfather, Obi-Wan Kenobi?"

"With our luck, probably," her daughter predicted grimly.

"So what do you want me to do about it?"

"I want you to talk me off this skyscraper," said Emma, pointing her video app at the ledge she was standing on.

"Comfort mode," said her mother.

Emma stepped down. "Thanks. So, what am I supposed to tell Henry?"

"Uh, the truth?"

"I don't know, this seems like a really inconvenient time to start doing that."

"Look, Emma, whatever this guy did to you, he's Henry's father. Don't keep them apart to punish him—your daddy will take of that in due time." She went to the closet and lovingly removed Charming's sword.

Henry was standing at a window back at Neal's apartment building, while Gold crept up behind him, ready to push. The boy turned around at the last second, and Gold cursed loudly. "What's wrong, Mr. Gold?" Henry asked innocently. "Are you nervous about meeting your son?"

"Um…yeah, that must be it."

Henry hugged him. "Comfort mode!" Gold just looked pained. "What, you're still nervous? Why? I thought you could see the future?"

"Only when the plot demands it."

"Drag." He took out his Big Book of Deja-Vu. "Well, would plotting some brilliant schemes cheer you up?"

"…Yes." They bent over the book together, giggling evilly.

Emma walked in, groaning loudly when she saw them together. "Oh crap, this explains so much."

"Hey Emma," Gold greeted obliviously. "Did you find my son, or am I going to have to kill you, too?"

She surreptitiously wiped away a tear. "Sorry, but I'm afraid your son has left without a trace, as usual."

Belle was in her hospital room, heavily drugged, and chained to the wall just for good measure. "Something feels oddly familiar about this," she slurred sleepily.

Regina barged in, as usual. "Hey, Belle. I'm here to attack you again."

"Are you my mommy?" Belle babbled incoherently.

"Um…sure, why not?" She took out a tranquilizer gun. "Here, allow me to knock you unconscious like I do with all my other children." Firing a dart into the beauty's carotid artery, she began rifling through the contents of Belle's purse. With magic, for anyone who hadn't realized she was off the wagon yet.

With her last shreds of consciousness, Belle stared at the purse. "Where did that thing come from? I didn't have it when I came here…"

"Shut up." Regina fired another dart at her, without taking her eyes off the bag's contents. "Ah, here we go." She snatched a card from the card catalogue out of mid-air. "Thank the gods she still hasn't realized computers are a thing."

She took the card to the library, where she found Hook awkwardly trying to flirt with Cora, for lack of anyone better. Hook looked at the card she'd stolen skeptically. "This seems like a dumb idea, but at least the book we're seeking is numbered nine-fifteen instead of eight-fifteen. That gag was really starting to get old."

"No, Regina's right, it's got to be here," said Cora. "Rumplestiltskin wouldn't risk crossing the town line without entrusting the dagger to someone, and since Belle is the only person in this universe or any other that doesn't want him dead, it's a pretty safe bet that he chose her."

"After careful examination of Disney Animated Features canon, I'm pretty sure she hid it in a book. But not Beauty and the Beast. That would be way too obvious."

Cora hugged her daughter proudly. "Now you're thinking like a villainess, pumpkin."

"That's the closest you've ever come to telling me you love me, Mom." She blinked back tears. "How depressing." To get her mind off the issue, she began searching for the book, but all she found in its place was a very, very poorly drawn map. "What's this? Looks like one of Jefferson's creations."

"Hey, I think this is some kind of treasure hunt," Hook realized. "Well, today's your lucky day. During my stint in Neverland, I spent some time working with Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Let me see what I can do."

David and Mary Margaret were sitting in their kitchen, looking deeply disturbed, and passing an economy-size bottle of McCutcheon's back and forth. "I now share a grandchild with Gold?" David groaned. "Great, how am I supposed to compete with a grandfather who can conjure dirtbikes for him at will?"

"You think you've got it bad?" Mary Margaret shuddered. "I'm competing for grandmother with Cora." She handed him an envelope. "While we're on the subject, I've made out my will. Please pay special attention to my request not to be posthumously made out with."

David was still too busy trying to puzzle out the family tree to protest. "So, Henry now has three grandpas and three grandmas, two of whom are evil wizards, two of whom were shockingly murdered, and two of whom are disenfranchised monarchs…and we're only halfway through the second season."

"Hey, let's not go there. I'm still trying to get over the fact that I'm my grandson's sister."

"It's a good thing we don't have Thanksgiving in our land, because that dinner would suck," David observed.

"David, shh! The fanfic writers might hear you!" Frantic, she clamped a hand over his mouth. "He didn't mean that!" But alas, it was too late.

"Screw this, it's time for me to take a page out of Regina's book." Gold smashed the security door open and barged in like a pro.

"What are you doing?" Emma demanded.

"Stalking a loved one," Gold replied.

"Neat. Can I come with?" Henry asked excitedly.

Gold regarded the boy thoughtfully. "How's your Charming Family Love Radar coming along?"

"It's at full capacity, sir," Henry boasted.

Gold waved him forward. "You're in."

Emma ran after them. "Doesn't anyone care what I think about this?"

"No," grandfather and grandson replied in unison.

Rumplestiltskin looked down at his broadsword with disdain. "This is just…wrong."

A squad of medics carried a series of grievously wounded soldiers past the spinner and his fellow soldiers. "If you survive the battle, this is probably what you're going to look like," one of Rumplestiltskin's comrades informed him grimly. "But don't worry. Your chances of surviving are pretty slim."

Rumplestiltskin eyed him quizzically. "Who the hell are you?"

"The regimental motivational speaker."

An officer shoved him aside. "You're fired. And as for the rest of you, after months of training, the duke has decided to revamp you into cavalry a few minutes before the battle. It's just the kind of brilliant military leader he is." He handed the spinner a saddle. "Have a cow, man."

Rumplestiltskin screamed. "Oh no, the freaky blind kid really can see the future! There's no way she could have simply overheard a slang term popular among the soldiers who constantly surround her"

"I beg your pardon?" His commander blinked.

"Uh…I need to go to the bathroom."

"Damn it, I told you to go before the battle!" The officer grudgingly handed him a hall pass.

Rumplestiltskin ran to the seer's cage, but found it empty, so he decided to cope with stress by smashing stuff, as usual. "It's all true!" he wailed miserably. "I'm going to have a son, and my actions are going to cause his girlfriend to dump him for his stepfather! Well, I would rather crawl naked across a bed of hot coals than inflict such a horrible fate on my own flesh and blood." He spotted a sledgehammer that was lying around for some reason. "Or that could work, too." He picked it up, swung it at his foot, then crumpled to the ground screaming. "AAAAAAAH!" he sobbed. "In retrospect, I probably should have gotten drunk first!"

Emma followed Gold and Henry into Neal apartment nervously. "I really don't think we should be doing this. What if the cops catch us?"

"You are the cops, and I've already bought you off," Gold reminded her, rifling through his son's possessions.

Emma's eyes drifted to the dreamcatcher hanging in the window. "Hey, I remember this. Neal took this when he left, along with my humanity and those hideous glasses."

Gold looked at her suspiciously. "Does that dreamcatcher mean something to you?"

"N-no. I am so totally over this dreamcatcher."

"Then why are you sobbing hysterically?" he demanded.

"PMS?" she lied tearfully.

"You're lying!"

Emma looked put-out. "Hey, I thought lie-detection was supposed to be my superpower?"

Henry started laughing. "Oh Mom, I'll never get tired of that old joke!"

She glared at her son. "Hey, if you're going to keep talking trash about me, you can just go in the other room." She shoved him into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

Gold snickered a bit, then resumed his interrogation. "Did you speak to my son? What did he say to you?"

"Well, it sure as hell wasn't an apology," she grumbled bitterly.

The pawnbroker brandished his cane at her. "Start making some freaking sense or I'll bash your head in!"

Emma revved up her chainsaw. "I'd like to see you try."

Unfortunately, before this battle of wills could escalate into something truly epic, Neal charged in. "Don't worry, my lady! I'll save you!" he cried heroically.

Emma nodded at her chainsaw. "Actually, I don't need any help, thanks."

Rumplestiltskin limped home to his hovel in agony. "Damn it, some pixie dust would really come in handy right about now." He flung open the door. "Honey, I'm home!"

"So what d'you want, a medal?" Milah snapped, cramming a pacifier into her crying son's mouth. "And as for you, shut up! You're almost a week old! It's high time you stopped coming to me with all your problems!"

The spinner's eyes fell on his newborn son. "Aw, how precious! It's the first of many long-lost family members. What's his name?"

"Baelfire. And his middle name is Baggage."

"Baelfire. Hm, that's catchy. I wish I'd thought of it."

"Thanks, I stole it from a Neil Gaiman novel," said Milah. "I figure he's going to need a strong namesake to look up to, considering his father's a deserter and his grandfather's a prancing sissy in tights."

Rumplestiltskin looked hurt. "Hey, what's with the attitude? You didn't even want me to fight in the first place!"

"Yeah, well, I'm having an out-of-character experience."

"But you said you loved me almost unconditionally, and…aw, nuts, I forgot about the 'almost'!"

"Sorry Rumple, but you've proven yourself too wimpy to be a bad boy and too self-preserving to be a knight in shining armor, so how the hell am I supposed to be attracted to you?" She grabbed his wallet. "Now, if you're done whining, I've got places to go and pirates to screw."

Rumplestiltskin's face fell. "Well, if you really don't love me or want to be with me anymore, then maybe we should cut our losses and get divorced, before we end up causing each other and our son further pain."

"You're not the boss of me!" She dumped the baby in his arms. "Here, take this damn thing off my hands; it's heavy."

Rumplestiltskin glanced from mother to child quizzically. "But I thought you said you wanted a kid?"

"Yeah, but the fact that I gave him life and nurtured him in my body for nine months means nothing next to the fact that I'm annoyed with you."

"But—"

"Out-of-character experience!" She slammed the door in their faces.

Rumplestiltskin stared down at his son sadly. "Well, Bae, looks like it's just us guys. But maybe it's for the best." He pointed in the direction Milah had fled. "These chicks have way too many mood swings for my taste."

Gold looked at his son in disbelief. "Bae, can it really be you?" He inspected the other man's face carefully. "Well, at least the eye color is right this time."

"Shut up, Dad!" Neal bellowed. "I'm just here to protect Emma."

Emma waved her chainsaw in his face. "Are you deaf? I said I don't need protection."

He embraced her soothingly. "It's okay, sweetheart, you can rest easy now. Nealfire's here."

"Okay, even the awesome power of my psyche cannot make sense of this situation," Gold complained. "What the heck is going on?"

"She's my girlfriend," Neal explained. "Or at least, she would be, if not for this abandonment theme plaguing our family. Speaking of which, go to hell."

"I'm sure I'll get there eventually," said Gold indolently. "But in the meantime, I want some answers."

Emma raised her hand. "Me too."

"Me three." Henry emerged from the bathroom, his trusty screwdriver and grappling hook in hand. "Boy, I'm glad I was smart enough to hang on to these. So, what's all the shouting about? Do you need me to work Charming Family Charm on these guys, Mom?" He tossed his hair gallantly.

Neal frowned. "Did that kid just call you 'Mom'?"

"That's right, buster," she said smugly. "You're not the only one with horrible, devastating secrets to unleash on the unsuspecting." She shepherded Henry back to the bathroom. "Now, sweetie, I know no jail can hold you, but if you could just humor Mommy for another minute or two—"

"Wait a minute, no jail can hold him?" Neal's jaw dropped. "Well, that clinches it. He's got to be my son!"

Henry shook his head, confused. "No, you're not my father. My mother already told me, my father was a great Jedi knight and star pilot, who was betrayed by the evil Darth…oh, Lord, did I seriously fall for that?" Humiliated, the boy jumped out the window.

"This is the most awkward moment in this history of our family, and that's quite a distinction," Gold observed.

Emma sighed. "Well, I guess I'd better go talk Henry down from that ledge, although part of me wants to just let the poor kid jump. He's obviously lost his last scrap of hope for any sort of normal life."

Neal headed after them, planning to sprinkle some pixie dust on his son as a precaution, but Gold stopped him. "Bae, wait."

"Why don't you make me?"

"Look, you have to talk to me if you want to fulfill the bargain and protect Emma."

Emma's voice drifted through the open window. "I can protect myself! Do you guys not understand English?!"

Neither of them seemed to hear her. "Well, all right, if my woman needs me," said Neal.

At the hospital, Greg was on the phone with 'None of Your Business.' "Hey, baby, check out this sweet video I took of the mayor using magic. All we need to do is figure out a way to prove it's not photoshopped, and boom! Secret's out."

Back at the library, Hook was dancing in circles around the treasure map. "Way-hey, well done crew! Everyone knew just what to do! Way-hey, with help from you, it's time to slice Gold's heart in two!"

Regina hit him with a silence spell. "Will you knock that off and just give us the info?"

"Sheesh, I was just trying to go about it with a flair, like I do everything else." Pouting, Hook pointed to a spot on the map. "Dagger's over here."

"Thanks, you've been very helpful," said Cora benevolently, raising a hand and blasting him across the room. "As a reward, we'll injure you instead of killing you."

"Ow!" Hook groaned, crumpling into a heap. "Don't make me add you to my revenge list, ladies!" He took out a thirty-two foot scroll and a quill. "Let me see…I think there's some room over here…no…or maybe I could pencil you in between Baelfire and my bookie…"

Cora led her daughter out of the building. "Don't worry, pumpkin. By the time he finds room in his schedule, I'll have taken Rumplestiltskin's power and we'll be invincible."

Regina's head was reeling. "Wait…why are we stealing Rumplestiltskin's power, again?"

"Uh…because reasons."

"Oh, for the love of…"

"Because reasons involving Henry?" Cora tried.

"That's better," said Regina, mollified.

"Why did you lie to me, Mom?" Henry demanded angrily.

"Hey, I didn't expect you to actually believe that stupid Jedi story!" Emma defended. "I just said it to make you laugh."

"You're lying again," Henry noted.

"Geez, everyone's ripping off my superpower today," the savior griped. "Look, Henry, what was I supposed to tell you? That your father was a career criminal who may or may not have statutorily raped me?"

"Emma, my adoptive mom is a freaking mass murderer! I think if anyone is equipped to handle difficult truths about their parents, it's me! I want to meet my dad!"

"All right," Emma relented, handing him a carton of smokes. "But take these first. When he sends you to juvie, as he inevitably will, you can use them to trade for stuff."

Inside, Gold was trying to remember how groveling worked and failing miserably. "Here's the thing, Bae. I've suffered because of my horrible decisions, so you owe me your forgiveness."

"Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick."

"What, no good?" Gold thought a moment. "Okay, how about this? I can be a better man now. I've changed."

"Is that why you were preparing to murder the love of my life three minutes ago?"

"Okay, so I made one mistake..."

"How's Mom?" Neal asked sarcastically.

Gold cringed. "Uh, Mom who?"

"And does that vial hanging out of your pocket say 'baby poison'?!"

Gold tucked the vial away, sweating bullets. "Um…no?"

"You're full of crap, you know that? You abandoned your only son!"

"So did you," Gold pointed out.

"Yeah, but I regret it."

Gold raised his hand. "Um, hello?"

August appeared at the window. "Excuse me, it may not be any of my business, Gold, but the reconciliation speech you gave me was a lot better. Maybe you should try that one on him instead."

"Get lost, you lying heap of kindling!" father and son roared in unison.

"Sheesh, I was just trying to help."

Neal shut the blinds. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I had to grow up with Grandpa because of you, Dad. Grandpa."

Gold flinched. "Okay, that was truly unforgiveable."

"Damn right. You can't restore my lost childhood!"

"Yes I can."

"In that case, I don't want you to."

"I do!" August yelled.

"You stay out of this!" Neal screamed.

"All right, Bae, what do you want?" Gold tried.

"I want you to drop dead. Slowly and painfully, if possible."

Gold burst out laughing. "Yeah, right, sure you do. I give it a week."

"Shut up!" Neal stormed out of the room. "And for the record, you didn't dump me, I dumped you!"

The Dark One walked into a forest clearing, where the freaky blind kid had grown into a freaky blind young adult. "Good to see you again, Rumple," she greeted. "The sorcerer levels suit you."

"Don't try to butter me up with compliments!" Rumplestiltskin snapped. "You pulled an Oedipus Rex on me!"

"Yeah, well, it's no less than you deserve for denying water to a starving, crippled child."

Rumplestiltskin nodded thoughtfully. "Good point. But I'm evil now, and no longer have to worry about pesky things like ethics." He started strangling her with one hand, munching cheerfully on some escargot with the other. "It's so easy being green!"

"Urk!" the seer gagged.

"Right then, to business. How can I find my son?"

"Didn't the Blue Fairy already tell you that?" the girl choked.

"Yeah, but I don't trust a word out of that chick." He released her. "Talk!"

"Fine, a curse will bring you together again. What a shocker, right?"

"Tell me more."

"Sorry, but as a fortune teller, I reserve the right to be constantly and incessantly cryptic."

The Dark One's face lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. "Ooh, that sounds like fun. Can I do it too?"

"Sure, go nuts," she replied, holding out her hands and surrendering her powers.

Rumplestiltskin glanced down at his palms, then breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew. I somehow managed to avoid inheriting the eyeballs. My fangirls will be so relieved."

"You tried to keep my son from me," Neal accused Emma angrily.

"Don't take it personally, I tried to keep him from me, too," Emma said. "Besides, I think I might have inadvertently done you a favor. If you're truly opposed to magic, spending time around Henry is going to be torture for you."

Neal steeled himself. "I'm willing to take the risk. I won't abandon him like my father abandoned me!"

In the next room, Gold laughed darkly. "Famous last words!"

"I don't hear any corpses hitting the floor in there!" Neal yelled at him impatiently, before crawling out onto the fire escape.

"Hi, Dad, nice to meet you," his son greeted brightly. "My name is Henry Mills-Swan-Blanchard-Nolan."

"Darling-Cassidy-Gold," Neal added proudly.

"All right, then. Henry Mills-Swan-Blanchard-Nolan-Darling-Cassidy-Gold of the House of Charmingstiltskin." He swayed precariously on his feet. "Whoa. Pops, can you catch me? Pronouncing all of that seems to have depleted my oxygen supply."

Neal wrapped his arms around the boy. "Daddy's got your back, little dude."

Rumplestiltskin stared off into the distance, trying to focus on the images assaulting his mind. "Oh my gods, they're going to cancel Firefly after just one season?!" He screamed, horrified. "I don't want to hear anymore!" He clutched his head. "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"No can do, you child-caging bully." The seer smirked victoriously. "In fact, because I despise you so much, I'm going to throw an extra prophecy your way. A boy will, in a very convoluted and indirect way, lead you to your son. And that boy will prove to be your undoing."

Rumplestiltskin blinked. "'My undoing?' What the hell does that mean? Is he going to kill me, redeem me, help me undo my coat? There's got to be something more specific you can tell me!"

"Nope." She jerked her thumbs toward her chest. "Fortune teller. Sorry."

"Well, I guess I'd better smash his cute little head in, then, just to be on the safe side."

Back in Neal's apartment, Gold was staring calculatingly out the window at his son and newly-acquired grandson. "Well, on the bright side, Bae's got my genes, Dad's, and Milah's all working against him. Sooner or later, he's bound to get sick of the kid, and then I can make my move." He patted the vial of baby poison in his pocket self-assuredly.

A/N: Props to Kirala Mouse for her help with this chapter :)