Chapter 36
Koh allowed Kirk to push him out the door. Once more, Koh looked through the window at Kirk, who was again waiting for maximum pain. The difference in his attitude was like night and day. Koh realized that the only reason he'd been able to keep this up for months was that Kirk displayed this attitude, whereas Konti had to put up with the opposite. Koh's esteem for Konti rose several notches, as well as his understanding of the problem.
"Koh, I want you to."
Koh twisted the dial to 400 and pressed the power switch. Kirk had it under control almost immediately, and with virtually no visible effort.
"Thank you, Koh. I mean it. Now I'd like you to leave it there for as long as it takes you to regain the confidence you had before I tricked you. But I would like to talk with you. So if whatever you have planned for the rest of the night can wait, please come and talk to me."
Koh stared at him for a long moment, surprised at how shocked he was to see no sign of pain. He turned off the pain generator, directed Kirk to Room C, and joined him there. Gesturing Kirk to a chair, Koh poured a tall glass of juice for each of them.
"Do you really mean for me to drink this, or is it just here for looks?" He smiled.
"What? Oh, yes, drink it, yes." Koh was obviously distracted.
"Koh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you come unglued. Can you talk to me?"
"What did you mean to do?"
"At first I was out to get even with you for winning the battle of the bedding. Enforced idleness breeds mischief, as it were. As the week went on, I wondered if anybody had ever teased you. You seem so in-control and untouchable all the time. And then I thought it would be quite a triumph if I could actually fool you. For several days, I wondered if I dared. Then yesterday, I realized that daring to tease you meant I trusted you. And I do.
"I expected you to be furious. And you were; I saw it in your eyes. Weathering the storm of your anger would have been easy."
"How so?"
"I would have kept laughing, which would have made you more angry. You would have unleashed your fury, and I would have kept on laughing until your anger was spent, and you could see that I was not mocking you, but encouraging you to have fun with me. That it doesn't matter whether we're laughing at me or you. That it can be just as much fun to be the victim.
"Do you remember the first time we talked about teasing? You were aghast that I wanted you to tease me. But it changed the atmosphere in here from deadly serious to joking and laughing. How often since then have you done something 'just for fun'?
"This was the first 'just for fun' thing at your expense, and it backfired. I think that's because I did not have your permission to tease. I promise you, Koh, that I will never, ever, tease you again. Can you forgive me for what I did to you?"
"No! I mean yes! I - I don't want you to promise not to tease. Now that you've explained it, I feel honored that you would trust me enough to try this. I hope you will try it again sometime. I'm not upset with you for teasing me." He twisted the juice glass in his hands. "Well, that's not entirely true: I was angry; I was furious; and if I hadn't been so troubled, I probably would have really let you have it, even knowing you would laugh at me."
"Can you tell me what troubles you?"
"It's an image, really three pictures, all basically the same, yet each vastly different. The image is you standing there, as seen from the monitoring room, waiting for me to blast you with maximum pain. The first time I saw that image was on board ship, the day you dared me to throw everything I had at you. You were calmly confident that you could handle anything. That was the day that breaking you became a personal goal. I was furious, and I wanted to smash your confidence.
"Today you showed me an image of terror and despair, positively begging me not to break you. For the first time, I realized that I no longer wanted to. That I actively did not want you to fall apart. But I did it to you anyway, part of me clinging to the belief that you must be faking, part of me believing the reality of what I was seeing. And I did finally believe it when you pulled the leads off your hands. So when I discovered that it was a fake after all, I was vastly relieved, as well as being furious with you.
"The last image was while you waited for that blast of 400 you just asked for. Gone was the terror; even confidence was missing, because you didn't know if I would do it. Your ability to handle it wasn't even up for consideration. It was taken for granted. Your concern was for me.
"Now that I no longer want to break you, how can I continue to do the things I have done to you?"
"With the same single-minded focus and cheerful disregard of the cost to me that you have had before."
"Kirk! I can't disregard it any more!"
"Yes, you can. You just need to readjust your thinking. Look, we both know I'm not going to fall apart. You do know that?"
"Yes, well, I did until tonight."
"So you turned off the 400, not because you were confident I could take it, but because you couldn't stand to leave it on?"
"I couldn't stand to sit here talking to you, knowing you were in that kind of pain. Even if I couldn't see it, I would know I was causing it."
"Hmm, I see we have work to do. But let's fix your thinking first. There are two, possibly three, reasons we are here in this lab spending time together. The first is to provide reports to Korn that assure him you are doing your job. The second is to provide insurance for you against accusations of treason. The third is to provide something believable for the inspectors to see when they come to visit.
"Would you agree that we cannot simply create fictional reports for Korn, ignore the treason accusations, and set up some display of torture that we will jump into when the doorbell rings? That way we could spend the bulk of our time either sleeping or playing chess."
"I agree it would be very risky to fabricate reports to Korn. Sometimes he asks to see the video footage. I don't know about the treason threat. And the visitors? You probably could jump from a sound sleep into a believable performance, but I don't know if I could."
"All right, then. This has got to be real. Is the reason you don't want to do this because you don't want to watch me fall apart?" Kirk kept his tone serious because Koh was obviously in no place to joke about the situation.
"That's a big part of it. How can I push for something I don't want to happen?"
"Was it really that awful to watch? Think back on what you actually saw. Was it truly terrible?"
"No, I guess it's as much the idea of it as anything outwardly visible. The idea that there's something you really can't stand, some limit to that stubborn will of yours."
"Koh, I'm not afraid of it. I'm mildly curious. I don't think you can find a way to break me. But even if I'm wrong, it doesn't matter. Nothing very world-shattering will happen. So I display some disgracefully cowardly behavior. That's nothing new. And even if you and I both know that for once, it's real, so what?
"My sense of self-worth will not disintegrate, because it's not based on an ability to avoid falling apart. I would regret it if my worth in your eyes disappeared, because I value a continued relationship with you. Your superiors think that when I fall apart, I will spill all those Federation secrets I've been hiding. I know that's not going to happen, because I haven't got anything to tell. When I was delirious last week, did I say anything about Starfleet?"
"You talked about Sam, your parents, Konti, me, and Spock. Who is Spock?"
"Good question. Actually, he's probably Starfleet. Because if he weren't, he would have left more information about his identity. He would know that the not knowing is driving me nuts."
"Is it really? You never talk about it."
"Oh, it's not unbearable, quite. And he told me it would be bad. But it's worth every minute, not to have to fear the mindsifter. So don't worry about it. It was my decision, and I don't regret the consequences."
"Kirk, I could tell you who Spock is."
"So you recognize the name."
"He is as well-known throughout the galaxy as you are."
"Which doesn't tell me anything. No, much as I'd like to know, it's better if you don't tell me. If the mindsifter tells them that I know who Spock is, they'll think they're making progress. So leave me in ignorance. Which brings me back to the original question. Do you believe that I don't care if you break me?"
"I heard what you said. It's pretty hard to believe. But I'll agree that it's consistent with the rest of your actions and attitudes."
"All right, we need to talk through our plans for visitors. But first, I want you to go turn on the pain generator."
Koh shook his head.
"Yes. If you won't do it, then I will. And I won't tell you how high I set it. What's the max you think you could stand to watch?"
"50."
"Koh! That's ridiculous! Make it 150 or I do it myself."
Kirk was smiling encouragement, but Koh recognized the steely determination in his eyes. So Koh did it.
They discussed strategy for fooling the visitors for about two hours, during which Kirk completely ignored the pain. When Koh started laughing at his jokes, Kirk knew Koh had forgotten about the pain generator. When they had their strategy in place and communication codes memorized, Kirk returned to the bigger issue.
"Koh, one of the reasons I like you is because you can look me in the eye and say, 'I'm going to push you and stretch you and keep doing it until you break.' Yet there's no animosity in your heart, so when I say, 'Okay, how can I help?', you just laugh and let me help you. So what can I do to help you now?"
"I don't know, Kirk." Koh was the picture of depression.
"Koh, have you ever had these wires on yourself? Do you know what this feels like, and if not, would it be better or worse if you did?"
"I've had one on at a time, to test them." He chuckled. "You should have seen the day I was testing the footpads. Good thing nobody but me was there. Anyway, no, I've never had the whole thing on at once. I'm sure the cumulative effects are a lot worse. I planned it that way."
"They are. You planned well." Kirk grinned at him.
"And you think it's funny!" Koh just shook his head at Kirk.
"So, do you want to know what it feels like?" There was more than a hint of challenge in his eyes.
Without a word, Koh rose and went to the monitoring room. Kirk followed, leaning casually in the open doorway. Koh rummaged for the set of wires he had used on Konti, along with the spare control box. It was a few minutes' work to set it all up. Then he eyed Kirk with irritation.
"Come in and shut the door. It's cold out there."
Kirk complied, laughing openly. Kirk knew that Koh deliberately kept the temperature in the corridor ten degrees colder for the sole purpose of making Kirk uncomfortable. Suddenly Koh looked up in astonishment.
"You're doing it again. You're laughing at me."
There was a hint of wonder in his voice. Kirk nodded, and continued to laugh. As Koh disrobed, his face wore a distinctly puzzled look. With his clothes in a pile at his feet, he confronted Kirk.
"Is the sole purpose of this exercise for you to stand there and laugh at me, or is there something else going on?"
Kirk sobered at once. "There's definitely another purpose. I'd prefer not to discuss it until I see it happening, if it does."
Koh busied himself with the wires and Kirk offered to help. Together they had it done in a few minutes. The testing took a few more minutes. Then Kirk stepped back to watch what Koh would do. Koh stared at the controls for a long moment. He took a deep breath, then turned to Kirk.
"I'm strongly tempted to jack it up to 400 and turn on the power, but reason tells me that's stupid. You passed out at 125 that first day, and you were still at 200 two weeks ago. Do you suppose I could manage zero to 100 without passing out?"
"I don't know." Kirk kept his tone carefully neutral.
Koh set the dial to 100 and hit the power switch. He gasped and clutched the edge of the counter, convulsively lifting his feet as if the floor were too hot. After several minutes, he managed to let go of the counter long enough to turn off the power. Leaning against the counter, he took several deep breaths.
"Well, that was interesting. I wonder if..."
Koh set the dial at minimum and turned on the power. Then he slowly increased it all the way up to 100. His reaction was nowhere near as severe. Then he turned off the power, waited perhaps thirty seconds, then turned it back on - zero to 100. Almost no reaction. Then he began increasing again.
Kirk watched him experiment for almost half an hour, during which he increased his tolerance to 150 by dint of persistent, hard work. Kirk shifted his feet and Koh looked up in surprise.
"You better quit now. It wouldn't do for visitors to see you dressed like that."
"I suppose not. Unfortunately."
Koh stripped off the wires, put them away, and got dressed. Before they left the room, however, Kirk reached over and raised his own dial to 200. Koh observed the action, but made no objection. Neither said anything until they were again seated at the table in Room C.
"Well?" Koh demanded.
"I'd rather hear your reactions, before I tell you what I saw."
"It works exactly as I imagined. My first reaction was overwhelming and completely unbearable. I was surprised at how quickly I was able to build tolerance. I was so intent on my work I forgot you were there. I was definitely not ready to quit. And my tolerance for your pain is significantly higher than it was. Though we're certainly nowhere near the cheerful disregard stage."
"We'll get there. What about when I was laughing?"
"At first, I was irritated because I didn't think it was funny. Then I realized you were teasing me. That you would have cheerfully stood there with the door open, being cold, just for the privilege of laughing at my being cold. I was so surprised that you would dare to do it again, that the irritation vanished. I began to wonder if your whole intent was to see if I would tolerate your laughing at me."
"Would you have?"
"Yes, I think so. Maybe not very gracefully, if you were distracting me. I can get pretty focused."
"I noticed. From the moment you said, 'I wonder if..', I knew that scientifically curious mind of yours was engaged. You would play with that thing for as long as I let you. I was afraid to give you more than a half-hour, but I would guess it felt like minutes."
Koh nodded.
"So," Kirk smiled, "What can we do to engage that scientific mind towards the task of breaking me?"
"That's entirely different!"
"No, it's not. It's just a question of whether the victim is me or you. It's the same curious mind saying, 'I wonder if'. So, just as an academic exercise, what are the ten worst things you can think of to do to me?"
Koh snorted in derision. "Don't give me that 'academic exercise' routine. I know your devious mind too well for that to fool me."
Kirk smiled disarmingly. "In case you've forgotten, you're in charge here. You don't have to do anything I tell you to."
"Yeah, right. Until you say, do it or I will."
Kirk sat forward earnestly. "I'm sorry, Koh. It's not my desire to offend you, nor my intention to exercise manipulative control over you. Can you forgive me for doing that to you?"
"What?" Koh was confused.
"Can you forgive me for telling you what to do, for taking authority I don't have? Would you like for me to go back to Room A and let you make your own decisions? Whatever you want to do is fine with me. I'll just wait."
Kirk rose to go.
"Sit down, Kirk. I know you're only trying to help. I'm sorry for being so stubborn. I really do want your help. I hereby give you permission to push as long and hard as you think necessary to get where you think we need to be. And I will not rescind that permission, no matter how much I regret having given it."
"Koh, I am honored and humbled that you trust me that much." Kirk sat down again. "So, tell me how you feel watching 200? Is it any different from 150?"
"No, not really. But a jump from 200 to 400 would be. And I'm not entirely comfortable with 200 yet."
"We're just going to leave it there for a while. I want to brainstorm some ideas. We don't have to implement any of this. But I want to get your mind working. So can you think of something new, different, or worse than what we've done before?"
They talked for over an hour, discussing drugs, hunger, thirst, fatigue, micro and macro stimuli, and variations on the pain generator. Then Kirk suggested a weight workout. Koh coached the workout, helping Kirk decide how much to attempt, given his injury and time off. After that they went back to Room A, with Koh in the monitoring room. They played with the dial for half an hour, while Kirk guessed the settings under 200. As usual, quite accurately.
"Now, Koh, I want you to put the dial on 400 and leave it there. Do you have a deck of cards, or would you rather play chess?"
"Either is fine."
"Bring both then, and meet me in Room C."
Kirk left without waiting for Koh to jack it up to 400. Koh got out the two games and lingered at the control box. Just do it, he told himself firmly. You don't have to like it. Besides, he's been very lenient, not at all what I expected. He moved the dial to 400, picked up the games, and went to Room C. Kirk smiled warmly, but did not mention the 400. They played chess for an hour, then cards for another hour. Finally, Kirk sat back in his chair.
"All right, talk to me. How are you feeling now?"
"Tired. I'm not used to staying up all night."
Kirk chuckled. "Neither am I. When does Khich get here?"
"In two hours."
"Do you trust him enough to let him know how you're feeling about all this?"
"A casual comment, maybe, but not the transparency you demand."
Kirk smiled. "I don't demand it; I freely give it, and you respond in kind, for which I am grateful. But that means we have just two hours to wrap this up. Here's what I have in mind. The only way you're going to get over your anxiety is to face it head on. The most likely time to break me is right now, and you know it. I want you to design a program based on some of the stuff we talked about earlier tonight. Set it up so as to throw it all at me at once. Eighty hours minimum and maybe twice that. No communication between us the whole time, except instructions through the wires. So none of the usual feedback you get from me. Have you got a stress reading machine like what you used on board ship?"
"No, but I could hard-wire something to the table you sleep on."
"How about the chair in Room F? I'm not likely to spend much time sleeping."
"Yes, in fact that would be even easier."
"Good. Now how long will it take you to put this together?"
"Assuming I can force myself to do it, the basic plan will take maybe an hour. Lots of details will take a lot longer than that."
"Koh, I will do this for you if I have to. But it will be far better if you do it. Never underestimate the element of surprise."
"Oh, I'm not. The only time I managed to move your stress reading at all was when I surprised you with something new or different." He straightened his back. "I will do it, but I don't quite understand why you want to cut off communication."
"It's just for this one marathon session. After that, it's back to normal. The reason is because I'm more likely to fall apart. If I'm talking to you, I'm more focused on you than on me. The more internally focused, the better. To that end, I'd leave the head device on all the time too.
"You might try the helpless approach too. Instead of telling me what to do, you tell me nothing, not even through the wires. You set it up so that I have absolutely no control over my environment or circumstances. Handcuffs, leg manacles, straps, whatever - you treat me like an uncooperative prisoner. And that's all the advice I'm giving you. I'll be in the weight room, if you need to consult."
Kirk left and Koh spent several minutes in deep thought. Then he turned to his computer and got to work. A little over an hour later his plans were made, and he called Kirk back in. Kirk noticed immediately that Koh was more animated in his body language. It did not appear to be nervous tension. He decided it was the natural result of his work, and was encouraged. Koh served breakfast for them both, insisting that Kirk eat.
"Last meal for the condemned?" Kirk mocked, but cheerfully ate nonetheless.
"Well, how are you coming? Can we implement immediately, or do we have to wait until tomorrow night?"
"I assumed you wanted to start now."
"I do; Konti won't be happy, but it's very much better to do it now."
"We can. But Kirk, are you sure? This will be worse, lots worse than what I've done before. If you survive this, there's only more to come. We can't go back."
"I know. Koh, I'm sure this is what we need to do. I won't say I'm looking forward to it, because I know it's going to be terrible. By the time we're done, I may be climbing the walls, screaming and sobbing for real. But it's okay; I'm willing to go there. And Koh, be very certain of this: no matter what happens, I will not hate you, I promise."