Chapter 36: Hiroki: Moving on

If I hadn't yet realised that Kakashi and I would never live in close proximity again, moving in with Iruka made the notion rather concrete. I hadn't expected the separation to be painful but the knot that formed in my throat as I emptied my drawers, alone in Kakashi's apartment, told of a different story.

It wasn't as if I would lose much. He hadn't been there most of the time. If anything, with the private training sessions he gave to me, we saw each other even more than before… but I felt a hole; as if something had forcefully been taken away from me.

I remembered fondly our first days together. I had thought he was incredibly rude to everyone, but with time I came to understand that behind the teasing and the "couldn't care less" attitude was often hiding a lot of love. Maybe because he knew what kind of life I had before we met, he never teased me, but the way he protectively put his hand on my back when he presented me to someone new or asked my approbation after throwing a stupid remark at someone proved I belonged in his circle of friends too.

I dried my eyes and closed the last of the drawers. The place was quiet, empty.

I went to Kakashi's room and looked at the pictures on his night table. Those were his precious people. Placed in evidence at the front, there was the picture of team 7. I knew since our first encounter how much he cared for Sakura and Naruto. I remembered the Citadel. Back then, he didn't mind what torture he had to endure, just knowing they would be safe had been enough to put a smile of relief on his face. Sasuke was a different story. Of course, he had defected and because of this Kakashi couldn't express his feelings for him as openly, but he looked at the boy more like a lost soul than a traitor. I knew that if he ever had the chance to meet him, he would still risk his life trying to reason him once more.

I wasn't sure if I could be as generous toward this distant relative. Seeing the amount of pain and the vivid scars he had left on those who counted so much for me, I couldn't help but feel a vague disgust toward him.

The second frame, placed right behind the first, had always fascinated me. With his mask and white hair, the grumpy kid on the right was unmistakenly Kakashi. It felt weird to see him so severe. I had expected him to be a lazy but bright child, a bit like Shikamaru. It seemed he picked up the laziness later...

I knew the other three people in the picture had deep and lasting influence on the way he saw the world today. I also knew through Iruka that they had died very young. It pained me to see how many friends he had lost, but that was probably the case for many other shinobi. It was just part of the lifestyle.

I knew another two frames would soon join his collection. The first was the picture Naruto, Sakura and I had given him as a gift when he came back from his "mission" and the second was the one we had taken only two days ago at the ramen stand. Iruka was in the picture with us because Naruto had decided that Iruka was an honorary member of Team 7 and forced him to join us. He claimed that Iruka was as important to Team 7 as ramen, which for him was probably one of the highest compliments. Apart from the ramen thing, I mostly agreed with him. I felt he was one of us too.

At Iruka's apartment, Kakashi had kept both pictures by his side and looked at them often. When he did, most of the time his face wore a bright and serene expression, but at others, his face darkened suddenly, and he looked away as if trying to bury something painful. I didn't know what it was, but it wasn't like him to open up on those things, so I let it pass.

I watered Mr Ukki for one last time. No matter how much care was given to the poor plant, it never seemed to be able to become anything more than a stick with a few leaves on it. However, despite its inability to grow, the plant appeared to hold its own precious space in Kakashi's heart, and he would never give up on it. If he was able to show so much loyalty and care for the rachitic plant, maybe he wouldn't leave me behind once I moved out… I only shyly hoped that I too had become one of his precious people...

I left a note on the table, picked up my luggage and threw another look at the apartment. As I closed the door, I saw the shadows engulf the place that had witnessed so many happy memories. I locked the door behind me. A chapter of my life was closing.

::

When I arrived on his doorstep with red eyes, Iruka understood.

"I know it was a rough step to take, but it's the start of something new." He said caressing my hair. "Today, you may feel as if you and Kakashi are getting further apart because you won't live under the same roof anymore, but the link you share will keep on growing through lived experiences." I knew Iruka was right, but the pain was so irrational and visceral...

"It's stupid... I know." I said, my voice breaking over the words. I had the feeling I would never see Kakashi again, although I knew perfectly well I had a training session with team 7 in two days.

"It's not stupid, your relationship will be different, and that is scary." He brought my head to his chest letting me shed some of the tears I had been keeping in. "I'll tell you something. I know that Kakashi admires you a lot as a shinobi and as a woman and I am pretty sure he'll never be able to give up on you! Even when you won't be on his team anymore, I know he'll reach out to you, he'll always will." His voice was so reassuring that I wanted to believe anything he would say. He took me by the shoulders and looked at me, smiling. "Now, let's create new happy memories."

And that's what we did.

Iruka was strict at school, but he wasn't as stringent when he was home. He was very different from Kakashi. There was a lightness and simplicity in the way he lived despite how clogged his schedule actually was. Iruka was disciplined but flexible. He planned ahead and was always rational while Kakashi was totally undisciplined but a stickler for the rules who improvised most of his life. I guess one trait compensated for the other.

Iruka also often made tea, but in that too he was totally different from Kakashi. While Kakashi was instinctive, Iruka always drank the same eight or nine tea. He told me that, over the years, he had calculated the best temperature, the best infusion times, the best teapot for each. Instead of being a meditation, it was a science… a science he was really passionate about! I was certain he must have taken notes at some point but now had memorised the recipes for each perfectly.

Iruka knew Kakashi better than I thought. He understood his strengths in depth but also knew what the disorderly jōnin couldn't give me. He knew Kakashi was all over the place. There was no routine, no to do lists or task organisation. Because of that, I had to constantly think about everything. My mind was always full. Iruka taught me how to live an organised life in which my brain could be freed to achieve more complex tasks.

Iruka was always there for me. I was never left on my own. Each time I came back from training, he would ask me to give him a detailed account of how my day went. We laughed together at Naruto's antics or wined together about Kakashi. He always checked if I had any strains or injuries and taught me how to deal with them. We would share all chores even his grading (after you saw the same information over twenty times, you don't forget so easily!) or cleaning the mistreated kunai from school. While doing this, we would often put the music loud and acted out the lyrics of the cheesiest songs.

After a while, he started to share his feelings about his students, his work, his challenges, his deceptions. In only a few weeks, we had grown so close that it was as if we had always lived together, like brother and sister.

When he came to Iruka's apartment (and he definitely hung around a lot!), Kakashi was smiling and laughing all the time. It was a nice change to see him like this, but somewhere deep inside of me, it stung to feel him so close to Iruka.

I saw what it was for Kakashi to truly connect with someone. With me, he was giving, and I would take. Sometimes, he would ask me for information I was almost certain he already knew so that it wouldn't be so obvious, but what did I have to offer someone like him anyway? We were worlds apart! When he spoke with Iruka, there was a lively back and forth. Kakashi would look surprised, interested, skeptical... It was obvious Iruka could challenge him in a way I couldn't. It was the kind of closeness I had never been able to reach with Kakashi.

They spent hours playfully arguing or talking about matters I barely understood. I had the intuition that although he wasn't addressing me, Kakashi wanted me to hear those conversations, that, on a different level, some of the things he told Iruka were also relevant to me, but overall, they were out of reach.

Not only it felt like their complicity went beyond words, but there was that hidden layer I pretended not to see: all the furtive touches, the quick gazes when I would tell them I would go see Naruto and Sakura. I wasn't stupid. I knew very well what they meant...

I was conscious that Kakashi and I wasn't something that was meant to be from the start. He was an exceptional being — even among the jōnins he was considered a genius — but although I had no hope, it still hurt to see them so happy together. I had wished so many times I could put a smile on Kakashi's lips as easily as Iruka did and make his life a tiny bit better, but that wasn't the kind of relationship we shared.

I was but a child thrown forcefully between them. I was glad they never made me feel unwelcomed, I even felt my presence was appreciated by both of them, but I knew I was only one of the many satellites revolving around them.

Iruka and Kakashi belonged together, and I couldn't argue against that and if Kakashi was drawn to men, well at least it was closing the matter for good. No false hopes, no jealousy.

In the end, once I was able to put the twinge aside, I saw that Kakashi was finally happy. I was glad he could have that; he deserved it so much, so I hid my feelings and smiled... for both of them.