Something's wrong. I'm barely even aware that I'm regaining consciousness before my mind is nagging at me, pulling at my sleeve like an insistent child. Wake up. Something is different. Potential danger. I frown slightly, shifting in my half sleeping state as I try and figure out what's causing it. I feel none of the instinctive dread I felt in the cave when I awoke to see the snakes circling me, and yet I can sense something is amiss. Despite my brain's insistence I'm struggling to engage, only half interested in the change, and that's when I hear a noise. My breathing increases suddenly, my mind leaping into consciousness as my body senses something. A person. A foreign body beside me. Someone's here.
I start, leaping out of sleep with an unnatural speed, my eyes springing open as I heave myself into a sitting position, breathing heavily, my eyes darting wildly around. The previous day's events come flooding back to me as my gaze settles on Caleb, stretched out on his side and supporting himself on one elbow as he eats, looking at me in amusement. As I stare at him, my heart rate slowing and my body calming itself from the self-inflicted panic, he raises an eyebrow.
"Forgot I was here huh?"
I laugh slightly, placing a hand over my racing heart as I regain control over my senses.
"Something like that."
He grins, taking another bite and regarding me with amusement.
"As long as you're not disappointed."
I smile, shifting awkwardly. Now that it's morning I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. Waking up has made me feel vulnerable, especially with him clearly wide awake.
"How long have you been up?" I ask, and he shrugs.
"A while. You were out cold and it's still early so I left you to it. Found us some more food, among other things."
He slides a pile of mushrooms in my direction and I accept them gratefully, suddenly ravenous despite my large meal the night before. I find I'm so hungry that I'm half finished before I even process what he said to me. I frown slightly, swallowing as I look up at him.
"Other things?"
He nods, packing the remainder of the food in with the bird meat.
"Signs of movement, a possible trail."
I stop chewing and look at him, eyes wide. "You mean…"
He grins, leaning forward and grasping his machete handle, twirling the weapon with a smile.
"How do you feel about doing some hunting?"
For a short while I feel guilty about sleeping whilst Caleb has been up for so long. By the time we've marked our camp and set off, however, it's still so early that I feel my guilt slipping away. This is the earliest I've set off in ages, and I feel a nervous energy, a sense of anticipation as I follow lightly in Caleb's footsteps, a knife in each hand and my sword knocking reassuringly against my hip. The morning air is a lot cooler than I'm used to, and the arena is curiously silent. I mention this to Caleb and he glances back at me in surprise.
"It's always like this in the morning. Have you not noticed?"
I confess that this my earliest morning to date, and he studies me curiously.
"You've not been rising early then? I thought you would."
"You did? Why?"
"Don't know, you just seemed the type. To want to get a head start on everyone else."
I'm as intrigued as ever by this glimpse at the version of me in Caleb's head, latching on to each comment that tells me how he sees me, but whilst I've been unable to relate most of them to myself this one I understand. Because he's right; I do like to rise early, to get a head start. I lived for mornings in the District, to be able to move about in the silence. The cold morning air held promise to me, a sign that nobody was around, and it's curious that my behaviour in here has been so different to my usual actions.
I'm not too surprised by it, though, as ever since I've arrived in the arena I've constantly found my actions contradicting those which I had imagined I would take. I ran where I thought I would fight, saved where I thought I would kill, and now, against all odds, I find myself preferring company to solitude. Back in the shelter of the rocks when I was recovering from Asha's attack, I remember thinking that I would have fared better as part of a team, and my joining up with Caleb has proved this was right. I've eaten well, slept well and after rising early am now tracking a potential victim. I feel energized, ready for anything, and all because of the boy walking ahead of me.
I had never imagined I would enjoy being with another person so much, had always pegged myself as the lone type, but it appears I was wrong. Perhaps my propensity for solitude was not the result of preference, but simply that I had no other choice. Nobody wanted me. Nobody until Caleb.
I'm taken aback by this thought, and I don't like it. The idea that my life of seclusion was not my choice but simply my only choice is horrible, and for a passing moment it makes me question everything I've ever done, every decision I've ever made. Maybe it wasn't that I liked being alone, it was that nobody liked me. The repellence I feel at this idea must show on my face, as Caleb glances back at me for a second and then stops, tilting his head curiously.
"You ok?"
I stumble to a halt in front of him and look up, brushing the hair out of my eyes as I focus on his.
"Yea, fine. Sorry."
He smiles at me, and I immediately feel my worries abate. So what if nobody wanted me. Caleb does, and he's better than anyone I've ever known; not just in his amiable charm and mild mannered cheerfulness, but with his skills. Aside from the miracles he achieved last night, he has proved himself a highly adept tracker, following a path entirely invisible to me. It's obvious really that he should have this skill, given that in his own District he is used to tracking animals in the wild, but since I am clueless at tracking I find it remarkably clever to watch. Every now and then he'll pause and examine the ground, or turn suddenly, and I'll follow without question, endlessly impressed that he is able to see meaning in the ground, see the steps that someone has taken where I can see nothing.
"You looked vaguely unimpressed. Not losing faith in me again are you?"
He glances back at me as he carries on walking, and though he can't see it I shake my head.
"No chance. After yesterday I'll never do that again."
He looks back over his shoulder, a grin dancing across his face.
"Ah, so you admit you questioned my brilliance?"
A reluctant smile creeps across my lips and I pull a face to cover it.
"Never questioned, just…pondered."
He laughs, taking me by surprise as he turns right sharply and jumps from a small ledge, reaching up to help me down. I don't hesitate to take his hand this time, and he looks at me expectantly as I land beside him.
"Right, pondered. Sure. And now you've concluded…."
I shoot him a sideways glance as we carry on forward and shrug casually.
"I'll let you know when I reach it."
"Hey, if I can forgive you for mortally injuring me then you can admit that I am brilliant in every possible way."
He nudges me pointedly with his injured shoulder, and I roll my eyes laughingly.
"Please, you said it was fine!"
He pulls an anguished face and rubs at it unconvincingly.
"Yea but these things can catch up with you. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's really serious."
I shove him hard, laughing as I pull a mocking face.
"Poor Caleb, beaten up by a girl."
He bats me away, rubbing his arm objectingly as he tuts.
"An unrepentant and remorseless girl, apparently. Don't I get a single shred of sympathy?"
"You'll get nothing from me."
"You hurt me Ty, you really do."
He clutches his chest, shaking his head sadly as he strides ahead, and I laugh, trailing after him. Surprisingly I'm actually having fun, which in the Hunger Games is not just unexpected but basically impossible. In fact, this is probably the most fun I've ever had, a fact which makes my life seem even more pathetic than I knew it was. If I had time to contemplate this then it would probably depress me, but at that moment Caleb draws to a sudden halt, his face alert. I immediately pause behind him, and that's when I hear it too; the cracking of branches, the unmistakable noise of treading feet breaking them.
My pulse instantly rises as I clutch my knives, glancing at Caleb. He too looks nervous, but surprisingly his face is alive with excitement as he grips his machete firmly, taking cautiously delicate steps towards the sound. I'm surprised he looks so exhilarated; in fact, I'm surprised he was so eager to hunt at all. But then, as I've already learnt, the games can bring things out of you that you never knew existed.
My own heart is racing with excitement and anticipation as I follow behind him, but this is no surprise; the one thing that hasn't surprised me in here is how much I've relished the hunt, despite the adrenaline rushing through me, and I immediately feel that familiar, eerie calm settle over me as we approach. I spot movement suddenly, barely yards ahead of us through the gaps in the trees, and immediately and without thinking I fling both my knives in the direction of the motion. I hear a strange, inhuman cry and a thud, and my heart leaps as Caleb runs ahead of me, machete drawn. He breaks through the branches and into the clearing and I follow him, sword at the ready, only to draw to a halt, struggling to comprehend the sight in front of me.
Caleb is bent over a large animal, and as I lift my gaze I see a group of the same animal, something that could be Antelope, galloping away in a frenzy in the opposite direction. I shift my gaze back to Caleb, my sword hanging forgotten in my hand, and stare in astonishment as he sits astride the creature, forcing his machete into its neck and slicing up and out. A strong, metallic scent fills the air as blood pours onto the grass, and Caleb winces, turning away as he rises to his feet. He grins at me, wiping the blade of his machete on his trouser leg as he walks over.
"Amazing shot! You've got quite the aim!"
My mouth is hanging open, stunned, and he obviously notices as he stops short, frowning slightly.
"What?"
I stare at him, my mind unable to process this sudden change in events, even more unable to comprehend that he wouldn't understand my confusion. I gesture helplessly at the animal and then look back into Caleb's confused eyes.
"This is what we were hunting? An animal?"
Caleb's face twists into a bemused smile.
"Well yea! What did you think we were doing?"
He figures out the answer to the question even before he's finished asking it, and his expression instantly changes from bemusement to a grim understanding. He clears his throat, not waiting for my reply as he turns back to the animal.
"What's the point in hunting animals?" I say as I trail after him, still struggling to make sense of the situation.
"Food." He replies shortly, not looking up as he uses my knife to cut into the thick animal hide. I tilt my head slightly in acquiescence, but I still feel like I've missed a step.
"Yea but….what about the others? Don't you think this was wasting time?"
Caleb shrugs, still not looking up as he replies.
"We need to stay alive, so I never think getting food is a waste of time. And if we'd come across someone then sure, we would have fought them. But I don't think we need to go looking for a massacre."
There's an edge to his tone that takes me aback, and I stand there in bewilderment, my sword hanging limply at my side. After a moment he turns to look at me and his grim expression immediately softens. He sighs, wiping the blood from his hands onto the grass.
"I'm sorry, Tyla, I figured you would know what we were doing. I thought you knew I wouldn't go hunting for anyone."
Why wouldn't I assume that, I want to ask him. What else was I meant to assume, in the Hunger Games? Instead I just furrow my brow and ask the other question that's leapt into my head.
"But why not?"
He frowns slightly, as if the answer is obvious.
"Because I don't hunt people!"
"What about Lisbeth?"
"What about her?"
"Don't you want to find her, after what she did to you?"
He shakes his head slightly, turning back to the carcass and continuing to cut into it.
"Find her? And what would I do then? You say find, but you mean kill. I don't want to kill Lisbeth; I will if I have to, but I refuse to go looking for her. Self-defence is one thing, seeking her out is quite another."
I stare at him in mystification, watching as he cuts hunks of meat from the animal and stacks them onto each other. As hard as I found it back in the Capitol to comprehend that killing someone was what was playing on his mind, I'm finding it even harder now to understand why he would still be struggling with it now that he's here. I had assumed that being in the arena would have changed his mind; that seeing the brutal reality of the games up close would teach him that despite what he had previously felt, this was what he needed to do to survive. These thoughts fly through my mind as I watch him cut into the animal, and I struggle to put them into words, my brain still reeling from this sudden change in circumstances.
"But that's why we're here. That's the point of the games." I eventually say, and he shakes his head sharply.
"No, the point of the games is to stay alive. And while I'm willing to kill to keep myself that way, I don't want to make it my strategy. I'd rather hide and defend than hunt and kill."
"But…" I trail off, unwilling to say what's in my head, but he pauses and looks at me expectantly and I can't think fast enough to say anything else.
"But you've already killed Leon."
He winces visibly as if my words have hurt him, and I feel a stab of remorse in my gut at the anguish on his face. He pauses, setting the meat aside as he rises to his feet and stands in front of me.
"So what, that means that the rest don't count? It doesn't make it any easier. It's not like I've developed a taste for it."
"No but….you know you can now."
"Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I may be capable, but I don't want to. I'll never want to. No matter what happens in here, I refuse to let it become nothing to me. It'll always be a big deal. And it'll always be my last option."
I bite my lip as I look into his eyes, and he stares back, arms folded, serious and unwavering. I still can't figure out why he's decide to take this route, why he won't just accept it's beyond his control, play with some intention like everyone else. But then, Caleb isn't like everyone else. And isn't that why I like him?
Even back in the Capitol, when I first struggled to understand Caleb's reluctance to kill, I was able to acknowledge that it was me, with my willingness to shed blood so easily, who had the problem. Not him. And why should that change now? Why should I expect him to change himself simply because he's been forced into this situation? It's ok for me, I've always known there was something wrong with me. But not Caleb. He doesn't want to change, to become someone he doesn't want to be just because the Capitol say so, and I don't want that either. I don't want him to ever have to change.
I feel a rush of understanding, as well as something that feels like protectiveness, and suddenly the idea of Caleb killing anyone is utterly repellent. I don't want him to have to do it, and I swear that as long as he is with me he won't need to.
Caleb has been watching me the entire time this monologue has been rushing through my mind, and I can see a trace of anxiety has crept into his eyes, a slight twinge of nervousness as he waits for my response. Unable- or unwilling- to put my flood of thoughts into words, I simply shrug and give him a slight smile.
"Ok."
He raises his eyebrows. "Ok? Just like that?"
I shrug again and nod. "Yea, Ok. I understand."
He hesitates, obviously uncertain after expecting a response, and then allows his folded arms to drop.
"You do?"
I smile at him and nod, and he bites his lip, for some reason more anxious now than before.
"I'm sorry Tyla, I know I can't be much of a partner."
In light of all he's managed over the last 24 hours it's such a ludicrous thing to say that I laugh, but I immediately regret it as he looks even more distressed. He places his hands on my shoulders, lowering his head slightly to fix his gaze on mine.
"I'm serious. I know you're right; we're in the Hunger Games and you're making a lot more sense than me. I don't exactly have a winning strategy here, I just really want to try and….stay as myself. I don't want to let it change me. I hope you're not too disappointed."
"I could never be," I say simply, and then smile reassuringly as his eyes still scan mine.
"And it looks like I'll never be hungry either."
The uncertainty finally slips from his face as he smiles, removing his hands from my shoulder and slipping the machete from his belt.
"Well I can certainly promise you that."
I watch him for a moment as he bends to continue his work. Now I've recovered from my previous confusion, I can see how useful this meat will be. If we keep it wrapped in the lake it will keep at least for a little while, and either way it's one more meal we've kept away from our competitors.
"I can't believe you could track them. I didn't even know there were animals that size in here!"
He glances over his shoulder, smiling slightly as he continues to slice out the meat.
"I spotted a trail on our first day and we followed them on and off ever since. They give a good meal, which of course is the important thing. My mentors told me that as long as I never let myself go hungry I would be one step ahead of everyone else, so I guess so can say I do have a winning strategy."
I laugh, then drop to my knees to help him as he starts to wrap the meat in some large, flat leaves. We work in silence, but it's comfortable, with all of the confusion and tension gone. I've accepted that Caleb was never really going to be hunting the other tributes, and to be honest I'm now finding it hard to believe that he ever was. He'll never be a hunter, or a real killer, but I knew that from the start. He's just Caleb, and that's all he ever needs to be.