***Possible trigger warning for some…includes death and loss***

Chapter 36…

'My Dearest Annie,

I've messed up Ana. I've messed up so so bad that I can't undo any of it now. The scars have gone too deep and I don't see any way out. This may be the last time I get a chance to let out my feelings and tell you how enormously sorry I am for everything.

Thing's here haven't been so good as you probably already figured out for yourself, and my mental state has plummeted dramatically. I'm constantly drowning, constantly making the wrong choices. My life is cold and dark and I've never wanted you to witness that. The darkness consumed me, the alcohol making things seem more bearable, but it only made things worse, it only took the edge off for a little while, which is why I continued to drink all day every day.

I pushed you away and I am sorry, but, I did it for you. In a weird messed up way, I was trying to protect you, but I ended up doing the opposite. I ended up hurting you more, I ended up making you hate me. I've been the worst mother in the world, but it seemed logical to me at the time. I knew Ray could give you everything I couldn't.

I wanted you to be the happy, carefree, loving Ana you were born to be.

I've seen the darkness for years now and I will cherish the day Ray took you under his wing. He was amazing for the both of us, he is such a wonderful, kind and protective man but it wasn't enough, nothing or no one can help me Ana and I am sorry.

You were the light of my life sweetheart and I truly mean that.

When I found out I was pregnant with you I panicked for months, I knew I wouldn't be a good mother, but I at least wanted to try. Your Dad and I, we didn't have much, we didn't know how we would manage or cope but we loved each other and we loved you and we knew we wanted to make it work, just the 3 of us. We wanted you so much.

The moment I found out you were growing inside of me, I felt an incredible amount of love, something very rare to me. I loved your real Dad, but not like this, not like the love I felt for you. I know I've never spoken much about him, but when he passed, you were the only thing that kept me going. I've been in this deep, dark and empty hole since he passed and I've always found it hard to speak of him ever since.

The day you were born I cried and I cried for hours simply watching you in my arms as you wriggled around trying to get comfy. I cried because I never thought I could feel love like I had always dreamed of. But I did Ana, I did with you. You were my light and my sunshine. You always will be.

I know I haven't been around much, but I can promise you, it was my way of protecting you from me.

I have watched and witnessed you grow into a beautiful, loving, intelligent woman and I am so so proud of you, my darling Annie, I have always been so proud of you.

I know you probably think that I never cared, that I couldn't love you. But you are the only thing I've loved enough that has kept me alive for 39 years.

Please, none of this was ever your fault, I know how you think, I know you well enough to know you think you weren't enough, but you were Ana, you were enough and so much more. You kept me going. Just please, don't blame yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

I am so sorry for making you feel the way I have, for letting people treat you awfully because I've been too afraid. I'm a coward and I know that, and now is my time to communicate that.

Now, You're moving away, getting your dream job, getting married. You're going to make an amazing family for yourself and one day you're going to be an incredible mother. You have it all sweetheart, you are truly amazing. I envy you. You have everything I ever dreamed of. I just hope one day you'll have your own little girl or boy to be able to feel the amount of love a child can give you.

Christian is a wonderful man too, he reminds me a lot like your father actually. Handsome, protective, loving. Don't ever let him go, promise me okay? You keep him around, you make it work.

Thank you for allowing me to come and stay at your graduation, that truly meant the world to me. Apart from the day you were born, that was the proudest day for me.

To see my daughter, the beautiful, young and intelligent woman walking across the stage, graduating college with a big bright and wonderful future ahead of her.

I am so proud of you darling, I hope you will one day believe that.

Your father would be so proud of you too. If he was here, he would have loved you unconditionally. He loved you from the moment I told him we were pregnant with you.

But now, the time has come to be reunited with him.

Just remember my darling beautiful baby girl, we loved you, we loved you so so much.

I loved you so much.

I'm sorry this letter has become so long, I've been sat here for hours pondering on what to write to you, then all of a sudden everything was just flowing and I realized how much I had to actually apologize for.

Until we meet again my darling Annie,

I love you.

Mom x '

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

She's been laying here crying for 2 days now. Laying on her side, clutching the letter against her chest.

She must have read it over and over and over about 100 times now.

She won't eat, she's barely sleeping, she's barely moving from the bed. I keep climbing into bed with her, holding her, trying to comfort her, but the atmosphere is silent. She barely talks and even when she does, she starts to cry again.

My heart is breaking not knowing what I'm supposed to do.

I've taken the time off work and I've stayed home with her. There's no way I could leave her alone like this.

I'm in shock myself. I never would have guessed Carla could do that, I figured she had issues, yes, but suicide...I would never have known.

I myself, remember contemplating it once. I remember staring at my reflection in the bathroom at Mom's house. I remember the razor in sight. But then I remember Ana coming into my mind and she saved me, I wanted to be better for her, I wanted to make her mine. She made me strong.

But, for Carla, her love was gone. After reading the letter, it seems like she loved Ana's father so much, when he died, she couldn't live without him. But honestly? I can kind of sympathize with her. I think without Ana, I could have done the same thing that day. My life and love is here, she's helping me every single day. She loves me every single day.

Carla losing Ana's father probably sent her into a depression she's never recovered from and although Ana has kept her alive, she's never found another man to love in the same way, which would explain why she's gone from man to man, husband to husband.

I could never find another woman to love either.

I stand in the doorway watching her, she's laying there, sobbing.

I keep making her food, but she never eats it. I just…I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Monday, we moved to Seattle together. All her stuff was set up and in the apartment by 3 pm.

She was so happy and excited.

Then at 5 pm, Jerry Roach called her. She got the job at SIP and it seemed like everything was falling into place. I took her out to dinner to celebrate.

We woke up on Tuesday morning by both of our phones ringing at the side of the bed.

Her Dad and My Mom.

"Hello?"

"Annie sweetheart…" Ray sighs with relief.

"Dad…what…what's wrong?" Ana puts it on speaker phone.

"Annie, it's your Mom…she….she's gone"

"Gone? What do you mean gone?….. Dad?"

Fuck. Shit. My heart races and clenches for her.

"She's gone Ana…she's passed away" Ray sniffles slightly but coughs in an attempt to cover it.

He loved her, we all know it. This is obviously hard on him too.

Ana goes silent and drops the phone into her lap.

She looks up at me and her eyes fill with tears.

I cup her cheek as Ray calls her name through the phone when she doesn't answer him.

"I'm so sorry Ana….I'm so so sorry," Ray says remorsefully.

"I…I…can't….I can't believe it…she…." Ana climbs off the bed and rushes into the bathroom as she starts to cry.

I rush after her but she locks the door, leaving me sighing softly.

"Hey, Ray…I'll get her to call you back okay? I'm so sorry for your loss Ray"

"Thank you, Christian…I received a letter in the post…there's one for me and one for Ana… It'll explain everything, I don't want to go into details over the phone. I've posted Ana's up to you priority shipping and it will be there tomorrow morning, Tell her I love her and I'm here okay?"

"I will Ray, and we are here for you too"

With that, the call ends and I sit on the bed waiting for Ana to emerge.

When she does her eyes are bright red and puffy with tears.

My heart breaks for her.

I hold my arms open and she walks into them slowly.

I wrap my arms around her and she hides her face into my chest sobbing.

"Wh-What…Why? Why what happened? Why is she gone"

"I'm so sorry Ana…I'm so sorry." I hold her tightly against me comforting her, "Your Dad was sent a letter written to you from your Mom…he says it explains everything".

Since the letter arrived, she's just cried more and more.

Carla loved her, I have no doubt about that now, I just think she continued to search for the love she had with Ana's father but she never found it.

I hope what she wrote is true, I hope one day Ana and I will have our own family.

I also hope I can get her through this.

I hope I can help her.

Grief affects people in different ways, Loss is hard, I know that. I just hope it'll get easier for her.

"I can't believe she's gone…"

"I know baby, I'm so sorry…but I'll always be here for you, I want to help"

"I thought she hated me, I thought….I thought she never wanted me"

"hey…she loved you, in her own ways, she loved you"

"I was so mean to her, I almost didn't let her stay at graduation….what if I didn't? I wish I had done more, maybe I could have helped her…"

"Hey…you allowed her to stay, she came for you, she was proud of you and she said herself, no one could help her, this wasn't your fault…".

She nods at my reply and cuddles back into me, and I hold her.

I'll hold her forever if I have to.

She has so much ahead of her now, her new job, our wedding.

I just know she'll be the strong woman her mother told her she is and will continue to make her proud.

At least now Ana has closure. For so many years she blamed herself, she thought Carla hated her, she thought she didn't care.

But now I see the devastation on Ana's face. Although she rarely saw her Mom, she'll now never see her again.

That has to hit hard.

The days go on and she seems to get a little better each day. She seems to leave the bed more.

I keep talking to her about SIP, about Mia and Kate and Elliot. About the wedding.

She starts to smile a little more, small smiles, but it's something. But no matter what, the letter is always close by.

It's the only thing she's had from her Mom in years and now it's the last.

I just wish I could do more.

She starts at SIP on Monday, I have to go back to work and I just hope it'll start taking the pressure off her thoughts. Jumping into a new and exciting new role will surely keep her mind occupied.

I want to surprise her too, Once everything is official, the goodbyes are said and the funeral is over. I want to invite Mia and Kate here for a girls weekend, I want to help take her mind off all the sadness.

I want to make her laugh and smile again, I know one day she will.

Hopefully, they can start planning the wedding and she can start looking to the future and be the happy, carefree and loving Ana, her mother told her she was born to be.

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I hope people aren't too triggered by this chapter. I know it's sad and emotional and will probably hit deep down with a few people, myself included, but I promise there are happier times to come.

Thanks to all my readers and reviewers and I hope you will all stay tuned for the next update coming in the next couple of days.