XXXIV - Guilt
"I told her we were done... That I didn't want to see her again... It's... the only way I found to keep her away from my shit! I had no choice! She gave me no choice!"
Chloe shook her head trying to defend herself, her decision, trying to justify her decision to herself too as the discussion had started to weaken her resolve.
Steph shuddered at the words. "YOU TOLD HER WHAT?" Her voice and face confused, a slight touch of horror in her tone.
Chloe let herself fall on the floor sitting with her back against one of the display. "I had no choice, even if that hurt! Even if it broke my heart! Even if it means losing the most important person to me! At least she'll be alive!"
Admitting what she had tried to bury deep in herself, hurt. The loneliness, the pain of loss, the abandonment, everything came back crashing at her, erupting from the depth of her heart where she had tried to hide it.
Victoria shook her head. "Alive? You think she's been alive? The girl's been an empty shell all day yesterday, she didn't sleep or eat all weekend! She didn't even react when some fucking reporters toppled her out of her chair! First thing she does today, is trashing her room, her phone, even her CAMERA for god's sake! And now, after all the work she's done to come to this art school, to become a photographer, she's leaving! You call that being alive?"
Chloe shook her head sobbing. "Better that than seeing her dying like she almost did!" She looked up at Victoria. "You never loved anyone but yourself, Victoria! You don't understand how it is to lose someone you love! To see the one you love lying on a bed with every fucking machinery telling you she's dead!"
A flicker or anger went through the blonde's face although she didn't respond. She wanted to scream at the punk, to slap her, but the words had hit a nerve, because for a moment Victoria had pictured herself watching a dying Kate, and her heart had sunk painfully.
Steph was the one who screamed reaching down to slap Chloe. "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL HER THAT! Don't you fucking understand how Max feels!"
Chloe pulled her legs against her pressing her face in her knees, her cheek stinging where the girl's hand had struck... "I know she loves me..."
Steph shook her head. "She doesn't just love you Chloe! You're the reason she has to keep living! Don't you fucking understand! She told me she didn't expect to survive in that bathroom! That she didn't care about her life! That she just couldn't live without you and preferred to die instead of you, or at least with you!"
"What?" Chloe looked up trying wrap her mind around Steph's words.
The girl looked at her angrily. "You have to go see Max! Now!"
Chloe frowned looking down. "It's too late, she's moving..."
Steph reached down grabbing Chloe's arm and pulling her up. "I'd be happy if all she does is moving!" Chloe's confusion must have shown because Steph shook her. "Think Chloe! THINK! You told a girl who fucking told me she preferred to be dead rather than live without you, that you didn't want to see her ever again!"
Victoria gasped pressing her left hand to her lips. "You don't mean?"
Steph started to drag Chloe toward the door as she responded to the blonde. "What do you think? The girl's a mess, she's got PTSD up the wazoo and the only thing keeping her sane was our stupid friend here! What you think she will do now that she lost even that?"
Chloe tried to follow as she felt the strong grip on her arm. "Steph you can't be serious!" But the girl pushed her at the door.
"I never been so serious Chloe! You go see Max now! You sort this mess out! And you better do it before she makes the biggest mistake of her life or I don't even want to see you in my store again!" Steph's voice was harsh, and Chloe looked down a moment trying to find words, then she rushed out of the store chased by Victoria.
She jumped into her truck fumbling with her keys, hands trembling as the reality of Steph's words settled in her mind. She finally managed to start the engine when she heard the passenger door slam close. She raised her head, startled by the sound and looked at her right, seeing the blonde sitting beside her.
"What are you doing in my truck?" She asked her hand stopping inches from the shifter.
Victoria grunted as she buckled her belt up. "Do you really think we have time for this? Drive already!" She snapped back pointing at the road. "I can't drive with this!" she said waving her broken hand as Chloe shifted into drive and left the parking spot. "I had to take the bus to come heeeere!" Her voice turned into a wail as Chloe floored the gas pedal, the truck's wheel screeching as the rubber slipped on the pavement.
Kate had spent her afternoon lost in her thoughts and worries. Taylor and Courtney had even come to see her, concerned at her signs of depression. She had been glad the two girls had actually come to try and talk to her, distracting her a moment from the dark thoughts that kept turning in her mind.
The request for boxes from Max had been a shock to her. She had felt her heart sink as she realized the implication of what her best friend was asking. She had spent part of the afternoon trying to think of other reasons, but in the end all she could imagine was that her friend was thinking of leaving Blackwell, probably to return to Seattle. The idea of losing the girl that had been her only friend for the first month of school had broken her heart and she wished she could have found Victoria and talked with her about it during recess. But the blonde had simply disappeared.
Kate had been the last to see her, and the last time she had seen Victoria, the blonde had been storming out of the dorms after having heard Max request the boxes. Kate didn't know exactly why Victoria had reacted like that. A month before she would have thought the girl had left out of exasperation, if not happiness after her nefarious campaign success. But now that she knew Victoria better, she had realized the blonde was actually caring a lot for her classmates and that most of her attitude had been a plea to be recognized if not respected by all of them.
Sad thing that she chooses the way that actually antagonized her to everyone.
With this new vision and the new friendship, Kate had understood that Victoria had stormed off out of worry and maybe sadness. Although, Kate still couldn't figure if the worry and sadness were out of fear of losing a rival or a friend. The fact Victoria had not made it to class in the afternoon had added to Kate's worries and she hoped the blonde girl was doing okay.
The bell rang at last and Kate packed her notebooks quickly, wanting to return to the dorms and check on Max, maybe even talk to the girl and see if she could convince her friend to open up, maybe even change her mind about giving up school. She hurried out of the classroom and through the corridors, leaving the building without pause. Quickly turning left, she almost ran toward the dorms, holding her bag hugged in her arms.
When she reached Max' room, she was surprised to find the door closed. She looked at the door puzzled and knocked on it softly. "Max? It's Kate... Are you okay?"
There was no response and Kate bit her lip before she pressed her head to the door, trying to hear what might be going inside. It was really quiet, but she could hear some soft sobbing coming from behind the door.
She's not sleeping.
She knocked again a bit louder. "Max? Are you alright?" She reached for the door knob and turned it. The door didn't move. She frowned and tried a few more times. "Max? Please says something! Are you okay?"
All she could hear were the sobs and mumbling, the girl in the room not responding. Kate felt some fear starting to build in her and she started to knock her palm on the door with more insistence, her voice raising. "Max! Please! Are you okay?"
After a moment she heard just a soft voice responding, raw and broken. "Leave me alone Kate..."
The blonde felt distraught at the tone of Max' voice. She felt that something was wrong, and she wanted to help her friend. "Max, I'm your friend, please let me help you. I'll make tea and we can talk over it, like we did when I was the one not feeling well." She said trying to entice the girl.
"You can't help me Kate... No one can..." The last part had been barely spoken. It had been loud enough for Kate to hear but low enough that it was probably something Max had said to herself.
Kate started to panic. She remembered how she had herself sounded at the beginning of October, dark, depressed, and she also remembered the darkest thought she had had at the time.
Please Max, I hope you're not that far down!
She started to hit the door harder with her hand shouting louder. "Max please! Open the door Max! I just want to make sure you are fine!"
She heard some shuffle around her and turned her head. As she saw the other students that approached attracted by the noise, she felt embarrassed at the disturbance she was creating. She hesitated again and hit the door again. "Max! Please, just a minute okay? Just open the door a minute and then I'll leave in peace." She insisted.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" The scream startled all those that had started to gather in the corridor. Kate looked back and started to try the door knob again in vain hope that she could open the locked door.
She looked at the other student, her eyes wide with fear as they stared back at her. She could see Dana starting to forge herself a path through the growing crowd.
"Kate? What's going on?" the cheerleader asked with concerns as she saw the blonde struggling with the uncooperative door.
"Max locked herself! I dunno what's happening but I'm worried." she tried to explain as the cheerleader approached.
The brunette came and knocked on the door. "Max? It's Dana, please open the door!"
"Just leave me alone!" The voice that came from the room sounded hysteric, almost crying and begging and Dana looked at Kate shaking her head slightly.
"Max, honey? Tell us what's bothering you? Is it about your fight with Chloe?" Dana asked, trying to get the girl to talk, to open up.
The voice that responded chilled both her and Kate's blood. "Chloe's dead... She's dead!"
Dana looked at Kate as if trying to find an explanation. Kate pressed her head to the door. "Max? It was just another nightmare! Chloe is alright! Please, open the door okay?"
"You don't understand! She's dead!"
Kate shook her head not knowing what to do. Dana reached and shook her shoulder softly. "Can you call her? Chloe?"
The blonde nodded softly and reached for her mobile phone.
She had been staring at the blade, lost in the polished metal as she thought about all her choices during that week, all the rewinds, all the photo jumping. Had she just gone back in time, erasing all the other possibilities? Or had she just hopped from reality to reality, abandoning countless Maxes and Chloes as her doppelganger had claimed during her nightmare. She didn't know anymore. She had been certain that it was always the same world, with her just changing the facts, the history. But then, Chloe should have loved her here too, just as she had in every realities she had seen. Had it been just changing history, then their bond should have been the constant, the anchor, the one thing that could not be broken.
And yet it had. In this reality, Chloe had cut her off. She had left her alone, casted her away like a nuisance. And that shook Max perception of her power. Because if their bond, the one certainty she had, wasn't present in this timeline, then maybe the whole reality was different. And that meant she had indeed abandoned Chloe. She had left her behind on that cliff, to watch a tornado destroy her world. She had left her to die in that bathroom, on that railroad track, in the junkyard. She had killed another Chloe, leaving her Max to deal with the consequences. She had destroyed the lives of countless Maxes and Chloes, only because she hadn't been able to save her own Chloe.
When her brain had started to follow this chain of thoughts, her heart had started to crumble, her mind had slowly cracked, threatening to break altogether. She never had a chance to actually save her Chloe. she had wasted those precious years, and now she had lost the one person important to her.
She didn't know how long she had been staring at her reflection in the knife when an insistent knock brought her out of her reverie.
"Max! Please! Are you okay?" Kate's voice finally reached her, and she leaned forward pressing her face in the palms of her hands. "Leave me alone Kate..."
She didn't want to see anyone, to see the people of this reality. All she wanted was to be alone, with her grief, with her pain, her guilt.
"Max, I'm your friend, please let me help you. I'll make tea and we can talk over it, like we did when I was the one not feeling well."
"You can't help me Kate..." She responded adding to herself "No one can..." as she rose back, moving the blade to her wrist, sliding it softly on her skin, just feeling the cold metal.
Oh Max? Why are you hesitating? Are you scared again? Is the chickenshit girl afraid? After she killed so many people? After you destroyed so many lives? Are you so afraid of taking one more?
The voice in her head kept haunting her, the Other-Max taunting her.
"Max! Please, just a minute okay? Just open the door a minute and then I'll leave in peace." Kate's voice mixed with that of her nightmares, making her confused. She shook her head raising her hand to claw at her scalp.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" she screamed with despair, trying to make all the voices quiet.
Oh, but you don't want to be alone! I'm just a part of yourself you know. If you really wanted it, I'd would not be here. But you want it. You want someone to tell you the truth, to reminds you how you left your punk die while you hid in that corner. How you messed up with powers you don't understand and brought Armageddon to the Bay, over and over again. How you can't even stop yourself from using your power and that you screwed this reality too!
"Just leave me alone!" She felt desperate, the voice in her pressing her, again and again, each word like a burning needle pinched into her soul.
You condemned her again, you know... You killed her again, even in this reality.
A new voice joined the mix, adding to the ghosts haunting her. "Max, honey? Tell us what's bothering you? Is it about your fight with Chloe?"
The mention of the name brought back the memory of the blue haired girl, laying on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood.
She wailed rocking on her chair pressing the blade to her wrist again. "Chloe's dead... She's dead!"
Yes, she is. She's alone and abandoned.
"Max? It was just another nightmare! Chloe is alright! Please, open the door okay?"
"You don't understand! She's dead!" Max kept crying rocking as she added pressure to the knife. The first sharp pain making her hesitate. But at the same time with the pain, the voices in her head get quieter for a brief moment.
She closed her eyes, only hearing the beating of her heart, occulting the voices and the world as she prepared herself to continue on her cut. She slowly drags the blade further, feeling the bite of the sharp edge sinking deeper.
A loud bang echoes from the door startling her. She jerks her head up looking to see if the door had been forced, but the door is still there.
"MAX! PLEASE OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" The voice is panicked, familiar. She had heard this same voice with the same fear in it before. The voice of Chloe backed up to a wall, with a gun pressed to her guts.
"Chloe?" she asked weakly, her lip trembling.
No, it can't be... Chloe's dead... My Chloe is dead...
"MAX! LET ME IN!" The sounds of fists pounding at the door as someone twisted the door knob trying to force his way in, made her shudder.
No! No! They won't let me! They'll prevent me from being with her!
Max bit her lip as she moved the blade back to the small cut on her wrist. Using more strength, she wails at the pain as she sliced down at her flesh, the warmth of her blood already spilling on her skin. Panting softly, she drops the knife, leaning back in her wheelchair. She heard a voice close, not muffled by any wall or door. "Max!"
She blinked on her tears as she reached with her bleeding arm.
Chloe! I'm ... there! I'm coming!
Chloe cursed loudly pushing on the horn of her car as she sent the truck on the oncoming lane and overtook a family van. Beside her, the once queen of Blackwell was squealing and screaming each time Chloe made a sudden move, changing direction like a mad race pilot. The truck's engine roared, complaining at the ordeal it was subjected. The suspensions creaked with each turn as the frame pulled at them at the torque imposed by the laws of Newton. Tires bent, disformed, slid and screeched as they fought to keep traction on the pavement while pulled sideway by the heavy weight of the pick-up.
For the first time of her life, Chloe didn't care about traffic rules. She ran the reds, using her horn like a siren, crossed the yellow lines. Everything she could do to speed up her drive, she did, much to the despair and fright of her passenger. Victoria had her hands pressed on the board, arms stiff, her legs were pushed forward trying to press herself even more into the seat so as to steady herself.
"You're gonna kill us!" she had once complained at the reckless driving of the punk girl, only to receive a two worded response followed by another sudden turn.
She entered the school parking at near full speed and made a drifting stop, sending the truck into a quarter spin as it finally settled across the two handicapped spaces. She shut down the engine, the rumbling dying with a loud bang, and she plowed the door open before she ran across the campus, not even looking or waiting for the blonde that sat stiff frozen, eyes wide, mouth gapping and face pale, in the passenger seat.
She ran, juking around the students enjoying the late afternoon light in the park, jumping over the rope barriers, spinning to avoid a tree. When she finally arrived at the dorm's entrance, she had crossed the school ground so fast and avoiding obstacles in such a way that an NFL coach would have wanted to hire her. She plowed through the door, one hand grabbing the handle and twisting it as she sent her shoulder colliding into it, slamming it open. She ran the corridors and saw the gathering at Max' room. She felt her heart sink slightly as she sped up. "Get out of the way!" she called.
She skidded to a stop, panting loudly, cursing mentally all those cigarettes she had in her life as her lungs burnt. Kate and another girl that was familiar were knocking at the door, calling and trying the door knob without response. As they saw her, they moved away, and Chloe went to the door knocking a few loud times as she called.
"Max! I'm sorry! Please let me in!" her voice was raw, her throat dry as she still tried to catch her breath.
No response came. Steph words kept playing in her mind, and Chloe started to fear she was too late. She raised her fist and banged on the door louder.
"Max! Please! open the door! Please Max I'm sorry about what I said!"
She pressed her head to the door trying to hear hints, clues. But all she heard were soft sobbing. She tried again, and again. Each knock each call making fear build up in her core. She looked around her as she had no response. She saw Kate, her hands joined in front of her as she seemed to pray, Justin looking down with a long face, Trevor holding the girl she had seen at the door. She searched for some support, some help, but even the pale, trembling and stumbling Victoria had nothing more to offer.
She reached and slammed her fist, hammering the door as she cried. "MAX! PLEASE OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!"
"Chloe?"
The punk paused, looking around trying to get a confirmation she hadn't been the only one hearing the weak question.
Fuck! Max! What the hell are you doing? Please don't be hurting yourself!
Chloe begged as she pounded the door and twisted the handle trying to open it. "MAX! LET ME IN!"
But the door didn't budge. Chloe slammed her hands on the wood, frustrated by her proximity yet inability to reach her friend. She looked around as she tried to think of an alternative. She suddenly raised her head and started to run for the dorm's entrance, grabbing Justin's arm as she passed. "Come with me!" she simply said as the boy's legs tried to catch up with him.
She darted out the building and took a hard right, following the wall in search of the window that might match that of Max' room. She trotted, avoiding the bushes and trees, stomping the small flowers and the grass. It wasn't easy, the dormitory's first floor was three to four feet above the ground and with the angle she couldn't see much through the windows. She came to a stop, letting go of the skater's arm as she reached an opened window where she could swear she saw a pink head moving. She reached up for the windowsill, looking at the boy as she tried to climb. "Spot me!"
Justin hurried at her, finally understanding what the girl had wanted. He offered his crossed hands as a step for her to climb while pressing his back to the wall. Chloe grunted as she lifted herself toward the window. As her head and torso finally reached the sill, she called for the girl. But instead of turning her head, Max raised an arm as if trying to touch something. Chloe gasped as she saw the ruby liquid dripping from the raised wrist. She hurried herself to pass through the open window, her legs kicking, hitting the boy that had helped her. She collapsed beside Max rolling on the floor before she pushed herself up toward the girl.
"Max! Oh my god Max! What have you done!" She reached for the bleeding wrist pressing her hand firmly on the wound. Max finally reacted to her presence and looked at her, eyes full of tears.
"Chloe... please forgive me Chloe..." the girl started to beg as Chloe pulled Max and the chair by the door, reaching to turn the key in the lock. " I couldn't save you... I'm so sorry."
Chloe frowned at the girl, her heart breaking at the pain her Max' voice. She finished unlocking the door and dropped to her knees wrapping her free arm around the pink-haired girl, hugging her tightly. "You got nothing to be sorry about Max... I'm not dead... I'm here with you... You saved me, Max! You saved me!"
Max started to shudder in her arms pressing her face to her neck. Chloe felt her own eyes tearing up as she tried to sooth the broken girl.
"I'm so sorry Chloe... It's just too hard... I needed you Chloe... And you were dead... I love you so much..." The girl kept crying her voice weakening.
Chloe felt the girl's tears on her shirt. From the corner of her eyes she saw the room's door opening, revealing the gathering of student with Kate and Dana at the front. She leaned and kissed Max' head softly. "I'm sorry Max... so sorry... I should never have said what I did... Okay..." she started her voice trembling. "I was so scared... so scared you'd get hurt again because of me..." She whispered in her friend's ear. "I didn't see I was hurting you...I'm so sorry..."
Chloe turned and looked at the girl's in the doorway. "Can someone go get David?" She saw the confusion on the student's face and added, "David Madsen?"
Trevor nodded and pushed his way through the gawkers. Chloe made sure to keep her hand tight on the bleeding wound, pulling the arm up, hoping to limit the blood flow... She pressed her cheek at the pink hair. "I'm here Max... I'm here... I'm never leaving you again Max... I'm so sorry." she kept repeating her words to the girl sobbing in her arms.
The light of a flash made her turn her head again. She noticed that among the people watching had their phone out and were filming or taking pictures. She hissed moving to hide Max from their lenses.
"Are you fucking proud of yourself? Don't you have anything else to do? Like maybe helping?" she screamed at them. To her surprised, Victoria seeing what she was screaming about, turned and started to push the crowd away, tossing a few phones across the building. "Get lost you assholes!" the blonde screamed angrily.
Soon after Trevor came back with David. The man looked at Chloe and Max and cursed softly before reaching for the blood covered arm and hand. "It's good you put pressure there, Chloe." he said softly. "I'll take care of it." He said turning and pointing at the bed "Can someone get the pillow case." He asked, and Dana reached to strip it. He reached for it and started ripping it. He took a square of fabric and pressed it on Max' wound. "Someone, hold it tight for a second." He said, and Trevor came forward putting his hand on the improvised gaze that was already starting to drink the blood coming out from the wound. David started ripping a long band from the rest of the pillow case then reached to wrap it around Max' wrist tightly. He grunted a little and tightened the bandage so as to put pressure on the bleeding cut.
Chloe had both her arms around the girl, when weak voice of Max rose softly in her ears. "Chloe?"
The punk tightened her hug. "I'm here Maxipad... I'm here... I'll always be here..."
She felt her friend's body relax in her arms and her head fall on her shoulder, limp. She shook her head with panic and moved, tightening her hold on the small frame of her friend. "Oh god Max? No Max?" she called, "Don't do that to me Max! Please! I know I messed up but please! I need you Max!"
Her voice broke as she felt despair starting to fill her throat. "Max please! Stay with me! Stay with me Max!" The small head slowly moved. "Chloe?"
Chloe let out a nervous chuckle. "Yes Max! Yes, it's me!" She kissed the girl's head again. "Stay with me Max! Okay! Stay with me please! I need you Max..."
She felt the girl shift, her arms moving to hug her back. "I love you Chloe..." The voice whispered in her ear Chloe felt the arm slowly slide down from her.
"Max! Max! please! Don't leave me! I love you too Max! Don't leave me!" Chloe started to panic, shaking Max, and pressing her lips to the girl's skin, until she felt a hand shaking her shoulder.
"Chloe! Chloe! She's not dead!" She looked up at her step-father, his voice deep and soft as he continued. "She's just asleep Chloe!"
Chloe looked at Max and saw her peaceful face as the girl rested in her arms. "Is... Is she alright?"
David nodded to her. "We got to take her to a doctor, but she will be. She hasn't had time to bleed that much."
Chloe sobbed with relief as she pressed her face in Max' shoulder. "I'm so sorry Max... I'm not leaving you again... Promise... I love you." She whispered softly.
A/N:
And here chapter 34, Chloe and Max finally together again.
It was a hard one to write for me and I'm not fully 100% happy with the chapter, maybe just 98%... That is because the 2 last parts were rather emotionally charged and I had to take breaks now and then not to crack.
Now to answer a few reviews I have received since yesterday :
- I do not plan on Chloe getting all the blame on her all the time no... To me Max is also responsible by her refusal to talk about her nightmares and problems... Something that will be covered in the next chapter. She did also broke her promise to Chloe, and the break up was partly due to that, and I think it would be legit to have Chloe be very... touchy on the subject in the future chapters and extra insistant on Max to not put herself in danger for her too.
- Reviews from a new reader on old chapters mentioned a point of view where Sean would not be that agressive as he was in chapter 3 or would try to push his money here and there to buy back his reputation while deserting his son. They are both valid I think, just not necessarily in my vision of the man. In Before the Storm it is clear that Sean Prescott is a bully (if you have gone to talk to Samantha before the play) an that he believes that posing as the strong person is a way to make sure he can get what he wants. I wrote chapter 3 based on that vision and I still think it is the right one. Now I agree that behind the scene he will try to buy back his reputation by giving out money while plotting nefarious demises for the girls that brought his son down. Part of that plot was hatched in chapter 33, and that will be one of the most overt and blatant ones. I do have a plans for him and they won't be good ( cue evil laugh). This said as I hinted in an early chapter (I think it's discussion), a certain very pissed at the Prescotts DA is launching some heavy investigation on the man, so he cannot really spend his money as he might want. I'll try to do a part where this investigation is explained in more ... details maybe.
- About the cliff hangers, well they are usually a good way to end a chapter, and to make sure the reader stays tuned :) Now, I won't make as big a cliff hanger if I know I won't be able to write for some times, but as I'm fairly regular, you know you won't have to wait for weeks, so bare with me and enjoy the story.
Now, will Max wake up seeing Chloe with her? Will this be the beginning of a great love story? What will be the obstacles our two heroines will have to face? Stay tuned and find out in our next episodes !
P.S: some real life issues came up and I will probably not have the time to write much tomorrow so next chapter has more chances to be up on Friday or Saturday.