Chapter 36: It Matters

You perplex me. I opened my eyes to find myself standing next to the lake at the mansion I was captive in for almost a month. I brushed my hands over my body, finding it unscathed. Finally... a break from the soreness.

I looked to the lake, seeing the glowing form of Yue hovering over the water.

I sighed. "Why do I perplex you?" I called out.

"Why does it matter what these people think of you? I understand why you saved the girl's life. You are a caring person, and you believe that if you have the power to save someone, you need to do so. I understand that." Yue tilted her head in confusion. "But I don't understand why it is so important for these people to accept you."

"What do you mean?"

"Naomi and Ming, specifically. You are hurt that Naomi does not consider you a friend. You worry over if Ming knows and judges the fact that you are a bender. Even the Lieutenant's anger towards you makes you uncomfortable. And Amon... you feel guilt that you lied. I don't understand." She shook her head, completely confused.

My mouth hung open. "I... I don't know, it just matters..."

"See? You don't even have an answer. You don't understand either."

I shrugged, sitting in the soft sand. "Come on, Yue. It hasn't been that long since you were a human."

She laughed lightly, "Even so, I am a spirit, and must do my duty as one. Sometimes I... get disconnected."

"Then just trust me. I don't know why it matters... but it does."

Yue looked at me, concern crossing her face.

"What?" I asked, standing again.

"Your heart."

"What about it?"

"It's... stuttering..."

"What the hell does that mean?!"

She suddenly flashed in front of me, her face urgent. "You need to wake up. NOW." Her fingers touched my forehead, and I felt like I was being ripped in half.

I gasped as my eyes snapped open. The machine next to me stopped screaming, returning to its regular beeping. Ming stood over me, her eyes filled with panic.

"Kanni..." She breathed. I leveled my breathing as I looked at her silently. She waved her finger in front of my face. "You need to stop scaring the shit out of me, do you understand?" I looked at her questioningly. "You're heart stopped again. I was just about to start chest compressions when it started again."

I felt a smile tug at my lips. Why am I smiling? I just almost died again. "Thanks for not breaking my ribs again."

She rolled her eyes at me, but couldn't stay angry. "You're welcome. But if you die again, you can bet your ass that I'll break all of them." I chuckled slightly as she turned her head to the door. "She's alright."

I craned my neck. "Who are you-" I stopped mid-sentence when I saw the figure at the door, clad in his usual armor. "Oh."

Ming looked between us, her hands folding together awkwardly. "Well, since you're alright," She took a step backwards from me. "I'll be going. Other patients to see... stuff to do..." She slipped past Amon, shooting me a teasing look before disappearing, closing the door behind her.

My eyes slid to Amon, standing at the doorway, his arms behind his back. We sat in silence for a few moments before I spoke.

"You seem worried," I tried to keep my voice casual.

He shrugged, moving forward slowly, as if to not startle me. "Running a revolution is stressful work."

I smiled. "I can imagine."

"Can you?" His tone was light, but was laced with the tiredness of his voice.

"No, not really." I shook my head, huffing a small laugh.

He made it to the edge of my bed, his gray eyes looking at me through the mask. I saw them narrow as his heart sped slightly. He turned away. "So, you're a bender." I felt my heart clench at the venom in his voice. I chose not to respond. "So the whole time, you were just infiltrating our ranks. Was that what it was?" He rounded, his fists clenched.

I felt my pulse quicken in fear. I can't fight him. Not in the state I'm in. I shook my head quickly.

"Then WHAT WAS IT?!" His fists slammed down on either side of my face, making me squeak in terror. My eyes were screwed shut, my face turned away from him as my breath hitched. I didn't even dare to reach out with my bending, as if he would know that I was using it.

Instead I just laid there, his warm breath on my face. I flinched as I felt calloused fingers grip my chin. He pulled my face to be nose to nose with his own.

"Look at me," He whispered. I kept my eyes shut. He's going to take my bending... he just wants to see my eyes when he does it. "LOOK AT ME!" My eyes snapped open in terror, tears threatening to spill over. His steel cold gaze leveled with mine.

"Please..." I whimpered pitifully.

He lifted himself back to full height, heaving in an intimidating sigh. "So that's what you were. A spy."

"No-" His fist slammed into the wall, silencing me.

"WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE?" I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to find words. "OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES AND TELL ME!"

I sat up, gasping in pain as I yelled back. "MAYBE I WAS ASHAMED!" He fell silent as I buried my face in my hands. "Maybe... maybe I was scared of who I am."

I heard the brush of fabric as he moved off of the wall. "You were scared of your bending?"

I glared at him. "Don't mock me. I was scared of what I could do. I was scared of... being a monster."

He walked to the door, locking it and pulling the blinds... no one could see in... Or get in. He looked back to me, pulling off his mask to reveal his 'scars'. His face was knitted in thought, and I watched him walk to the foot of my bed calmly. His eyes suddenly met mine as a thought dawned on him.

"Afraid of what you could do? Or what you've already done?" I felt my eyes widen as I visibly leaned away from him.

"What the hell are you saying?"

"You told me that a monster killed your family. You were the monster. You murdered the people you pretended to love." His voice was ice cold.

I felt the tears prick at my eyes again, but I tried to fight them. "Stop it," I whispered, my voice cracking.

He moved closer to me, coming to the side of my bed again. "I never would have known. It's the act you play. You wear more of a mask than I do." He chuckled darkly as tears poured down my cheeks. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. "You act so... innocent. You act like a wise person, made hard by a tough life. But no... No. You are nothing like that."

"Stop it," My voice was hoarse as I kept eye contact with him.

He leaned close, his finger close to my face and eyes boring into my own. "You are the epitome of what we fight. The very thing I despise. The monster."

He stepped away from me, pulling his mask back on and moving towards the door. As his fist gripped the doorknob, he turned to look back at my tearful face. "I will be taking your bending in the morning, since you are too weak to walk right now. If you're still too weak to walk still, you'll be dragged."

"And then?" I whispered.

His cold eyes met mine, making me shiver. "You'll be displayed for the world to see."

The door slammed behind him, making me jump. I curled in on myself, gripping my knees, allowing more tears to streak down my face.

This is why I don't understand. He wants to ruin you. If you lose your bending, you lose your connection to me. He will destroy you if he can. No one will stand up for you. So why do any of them matter?!

I sniffed, turning onto my side and gripping the pillow as my body shook painfully with sobs. I was hurt. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

Physically. My body screamed each time I moved. Each sob that forced its way from my throat moved my ribs in the wrong way, making me cry more.

Emotionally. I had come to care for these people. I had thought they had cared for me. Now none of them were there for me. They would stand by as my world was shredded.

Mentally. I would be losing my bending tomorrow. And despite it all... Despite the fact that what they were doing was merciless and cruel. Despite the fact that the man I had developed some screwed up attraction to was the very person to destroy me. Despite the fact that I should HATE them all...

What they thought of me still mattered. Their health still mattered. Their happiness still mattered. Somehow I felt guilty. I felt like I betrayed them. I felt that maybe... just maybe... I deserved what they were going to do to me in the morning... No... no you don't. It's not your fault.

But still, Amon's words echoed in my head.

Monster. Murdered. You pretended to love.

He was wrong. I loved. I loved with my entire being. I loved the people I lost. I loved Korra and the airbenders. I loved Mako and Bolin. Hell, I even loved Naomi and Ming. And maybe... just maybe... I had begun to love Amon.

But he didn't know that. He would never know that. Because now whatever had been early signs of love... had turned to resentment and anger and hate.

Still... he mattered.

And it sucked.