Bucky laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The sky outside was pitch black and dotted with stars-in other words, he should have been sleeping. But he couldn't. Bucky side and rolled to his left-that side of the bed was where Melody always slept but now it was empty.
The sight made Bucky's heart wrench painfully in his chest, an echo of what he'd felt this morning when she'd packed her suitcase and left. It hasn't even been a day, he thought, shifting onto his back, unable to look at the space where she should have been. And I already miss you.
Bucky stared at the ceiling again, a hundred painful thoughts rolling through his head. Melody's tears as he'd asked her outright to abandon her plan, to be with him, find a way to make them work. "No, there isn't." Her soft, sad, but firm voice telling him there was nothing he could say to change her mind about never returning to Wakanda-to him. The way she'd said that she would always love him, every bit as much a goodbye as a promise...He sat upright, the soft mattress no longer comfortable and the memories of their most recent farewell playing over and over again in his mind like a record.
Bucky swung his legs off the side of the bed, they left heavy like his bones were made of lead. He was exhausted and yet he couldn't sleep. Normally, this would've been the point he brought out the radio and tape Melody had given him, he'd have hit play on the device and fallen asleep to the sound of her singing, but he couldn't do that now. It wouldn't comfort Bucky like it usually did, it would just remind him of what he'd lost today.
And it wasn't the only thing he owned that would do it. The thought hit Bucky like a brick and against his better judgement, he opened the drawer of his nightstand. At first glance, it didn't hold anything to remind him of Melody, just socks, underwear and a handgun, but he knew better. Brushing aside the mundane items, Bucky reached into the corner of the drawer and a lead weight dropped into his stomach as he opened his palm. Glinting dimly in the starlight was his mother's ring.
The ring he'd carried with him every time he went into the lab-the thing to remind him why he put himself through procedure after procedure and every ensuing failure that came with them. Melody's advice about having a reminder of a goal as a good way to preserve through a long haul had stuck with Bucky from the moment she'd told him the story of how she'd written the words "Melody Frasier M.D." on her arm all through medical school. He'd decided to do something along those lines too, but a bit differently. He didn't want anything attached to his name if and when he got out Hydra out of his head.
He'd wanted to change Melody's name though, he'd realized that not long after he'd seen her wearing his mother's ring. And so, each time he'd gone to the lab since, he'd had the ring in his pocket. A way to remind him that he needed to be free of Hydra before he could take that step and ask her to marry him.
That had been a long shot to begin with, but at least Bucky had possessed the hope that he could at least ask. That was gone now.
He was still going to keep trying at the lab, he'd promised Melody he would, but he didn't think he had the strength to carry the ring anymore. Too many memories.
Bucky set the ring back in the drawer, eyes burning with tears he hadn't shed. He'd wanted Melody to stay, or at least promise she'd be back whenever she could-he'd wanted them to find a way to be together. Despite what Melody believed, that it was impossible, Bucky was not of that opinion. Maybe it was foolish, but he had thought there was still hope. That there had to be some sort of middle ground they could meet on, some way they could have been together. It was why he had tried, once when his time had truly run out, to ask her to reconsider her choice to never return to Wakanda. Melody had been firm on her choice, much to his dismay and told him no. Bucky didn't hate her for that, he couldn't for two reasons. One, though his disagreed with her, Bucky did understand her reasoning. And two, even though she'd made her choice, Bucky knew it had hurt her to do it. Despite the choice she made, one thing was still clear: Melody loved him just like he loved her. The only difference between them was she didn't think love was enough to keep them together.
He laid back against the bed, trembling as the tears he'd kept at bay when Melody had left were coming back. Bucky hadn't been able to cry in front of her, he knew this hurt her too and causing her more pain wasn't something he could handle. He'd promised Melody he'd never hurt her and Bucky had no intention of going back on that promise. He'd done that once already-though Melody herself had fought him quiet fiercely about it. But still, it didn't change how Bucky felt about it and so, when they'd said goodbye, he'd held himself together somehow, tried to assure her that he would be alright and let her go without letting her know how badly it hurt to do.
But emotions like that, Bucky had already learned couldn't be held back forever and now the grief was creeping up on him and this time, Bucky let it grab hold. He shut his eyes, tears, hot and burning like acid slithering down his face as he curled up on the bed, just trying to breathe as the full weight of what he'd lost crashed down on him like a tidal wave.
Melody was gone. She was back in New York and he would never see her again. Never hear her laugh, hold her or kiss her again. Never laugh hysterically as she attempted to cook and wound up torching the food. He'd never listen to her try and explain a surgery she'd gotten to perform, never see her eyes light up with happiness as she described each step in such enthusiasm that it was hard to be bored. He'd never hear her sing to him after a nightmare came, never see her smile at up at him again, as though he was her favorite person in the world. Like he was her hero, someone she trusted to keep her safe. She'd always told him that. That he made her feel safe. It was never lost on Bucky how weird that was, but hearing that always filled him with a sense of pride anyways. Melody had trusted him to protect her, keep her from harm and keep her secrets-and he'd loved that. Bucky had done terrible things in his life, all of which Melody knew about-and she'd still trusted him. She had still held fast to him when she was afraid, because scared as she was, her faith in him was unbreakable as steel.
Bucky would never hear her say that again. He'd never hear her tell him that she loved him. All he had now were memories.
And that was what played over and over in his mind as he laid, crying silently in bed. Memories of Melody and their time together. It wasn't enough, but it was all he had now and it wasn't enough.
Two chapters in one day? I'm sort of proud of myself! As always, I do love reviews so please, leave one if you can spare the time! Also, shoutout to abstract1018, (I hope I got your user right) who left a review on a few recent chapters! Thanks a million! And thanks for reading! :)