The funeral for Alicia Adama was held two days later. Due to Lee's wishes only the people closest to her came. Adama, Cottle, Layne, Mathilda and Dee and even the President spoke a few words about her. Lee refused to say anything. He stayed on his seat, Nia clinging tightly to him during the whole service.
Afterwards Adama had arranged a small get-together in the conference room. Lee didn't really feel like being in the middle of all these people, listening to their condolences and watching them grief for his wife. He had a hard enough time handling his own grief and taking care of Nia at the same time.
After shortly talking to everyone for a few minutes, Lee retreated to an empty corner with Nia. Mathilda had offered to distract her a bit and give Lee some space and peace at the same time, but Nia downright refused to leave her father's side. And even though Lee wouldn't admit it, he didn't want to let her out of his sight either. As long as he could see her, he knew she was all right.
"Hey, do you mind if I sit with you for a moment?" Layne quietly asked. She had been waiting to get a chance to talk with Lee alone and now seemed as good as any time. And it might be her last chance, considering that he was moving to another ship tomorrow.
"No, of course not." Lee gave her a forced smile. Actually, he did mind. He wanted nothing but to be alone and not having to talk to someone every few minutes.
"How are you holding up?"
"Good … considering." Lee hesitantly replied. Inwardly he groaned. Why did everyone have to ask him how he felt? He had just lost his wife, for frak's sake.
"I'm sorry. You must hate that question as much as I did." Layne looked at him apologetic. "It just seems like the right thing to say in situations like this, doesn't it? It makes people feel better. Ask how you are, get the expected answer and everything's fine." She sounded slightly bitter.
And Lee understood. Layne knew exactly how he felt. "Does it get easier?"
"Not really … at least not after the first four months." She chuckled. "Ask me again after the next four."
"Maybe I will." Lee smiled and this time it wasn't forced. It was only a small smile, but it was real. "We should form a widow and widower support group. With Dee we'd already be three."
"Oh, I'm sure in times like this we'd be growing fast. We should consider charging people when they join us." Layne joked.
Lee actually laughed at that and Layne fell in a moment later. They calmed down fast, neither of them really able to forget why they were here.
"Did you notice anything?" Lee finally asked. It was something that bothered him even in sleep. Had anyone else notice something? Some signs that Alicia wasn't all right? That something was wrong? Had he been the only one blind?
"No, I didn't." Layne placed a comforting hand on Lee's arm. "She was happy."
"She seemed happy." Lee objected, his voice sounding weak. "She was a better actress than I thought."
"No, Lee." Vehemently Layne shook her head. "She wasn't acting – or hiding – anything. She was happy! I don't know what happened, but … well, actually …" She hesitated a moment, unsure if she should continue.
"What?" Lee urged her to go on. He was desperate for any information regarding Alicia. Anything that could make him understand why she did it.
Layne sighed and then locked eyes with Lee. "Shortly before … before her death, there … she witnessed something in sickbay."
"What?" Lee asked confused.
"A girl, one of Cottle's patients from another ship … she had an abortion. Ali had taken care of her. She didn't talk about it, but it must have been hard on her, considering her past. I had meant to broach the subject later, to give her some time to …" Her voice broke and Layne quickly wiped at her eyes. She had waited too long.
Lee sat quietly next to her. An abortion … could that have been it? Had it brought up the hidden pain from Ali's own abortion four months ago? They hadn't really talked about it either. They had fought about it, screamed at each other because of it and later, when they had come back together, they had forgiven each other. But they hadn't really talked about it.
"I just thought you should know." Layne said quietly. "Don't blame yourself, okay? There was nothing anyone could have done."
Lee nodded slowly, but didn't say anything after that.
XXXXXXX
After the funeral, Lee immediately returned to his father's quarters. He hadn't talk to anyone again after his conversation with Layne.
Adama and Kara followed him nevertheless; neither of them was willing to leave him alone right now.
"It, um, it was a nice service." Kara said quietly. She watched how Lee sat down on the couch. Nia crawled on his lap immediately. She hadn't left her father's side the whole day.
"Yes, it was." Adama replied when Lee didn't give a response. "I was surprised you didn't want to say anything." He added, looking slightly accusatory at his son.
"What was I supposed to say?" Lee replied defiantly.
Kara was actually startled to hear him speak. He had hardly said anything since she had found him in his quarters the other day.
"Oh, I don't know. Something about how much you loved your wife … how much you will miss her." Adama swallowed and ignored the stunned looks Kara was sending his way. He knew his words sounded harsh and the last thing on his mind was to start a fight with his son right now. But for the last two days he had watched Lee building up walls around him and shutting everyone out except for Nia. He hardly talked, hardly ate except when his daughter refused to eat without him and he hardly slept – and when he did he was plagued by nightmares. That needed to stop. And Adama was determined to get Lee to talk before he moved to the Pegasus.
"She was my wife, I think it's obvious that I loved her. I don't need to walk around and tell everyone." Lee replied stiffly.
Adama opened his mouth to reply, but didn't have the heart to continue when his granddaughter started to speak. Since she learned about her mother's death, she was as quiet as her father, so hearing her talk was as surprising as hearing Lee talk.
"Daddy, read me?"
"Sure pumpkin." Lee smiled at her, a forced smile that never reached his eyes, but it was all he could manage at this time. "If you'll excuse us."
Without looking at his father or Kara any more and relieved to have an excuse to not continue this conversation, Lee picked up his daughter and walked with her to the only bed in the room. For his remaining time on Galactica, he had taken his father's bed to sleep there with Nia, since she refused to sleep alone and neither Adama nor Lee had had the heart to let her sleep on the couch. A few toys and an old, hackneyed children book lay scattered on the bed and around it, baring witness to the fact that a child was now living in the Admiral's quarters – if only temporarily.
Adama wished it could stay like that forever.
"Well, I should be going then." Kara said quietly after a moment. She suddenly felt like an intruder to this small family.
"Thank you, Kara. For everything" Adama took her hand in his for a moment and looked at her truly grateful. It was the first time Adama didn't feel any anger towards her since she had accidentally shot Lee. He had made sure not to spend any time with her then; he had even extended her stay on the Pegasus – what had been planned to only be a few days trainings mission had evolved into a whole month. He hadn't wanted to have her around … now he was glad she was here. She had been a great help the last two days. She cared about Lee as much as he did, he could see that. And he thought that maybe, if he wouldn't be there to help Lee through this time, maybe Kara could. And he had already put plans into action to make sure that at least she would be at Lee's side once he moved to the Pegasus.
"Don't mention it." Kara smiled and then left the Adama's alone.
Sighing Adama sat down on the couch and listened to Lee reading to his daughter. He remembered the story as if it had only been yesterday that he had read it the last time. Lee probably didn't remember anymore, but the book he was reading his daughter from had once belonged to him. Every time Adama had visited his family on Caprica, he had read to Lee and Zak from that very book. He had taken it with him when he had moved out. His boys had been too old then to be read to anymore. They hadn't had any need for a children's book anymore, but Adama had needed it as a reminder. Not even Tigh knew that, but once in a while he would take it out and skim through the pages, remembering a time when his oldest son had still looked up at him as his hero. He had been more than glad to give it to Alicia to read it to Nia. Smiling Adama leaned back and listened to the soft voice of Lee reading to his daughter.
"On the meadow of stars there lives the sandman. He is a very important person in the world of the heaven and he has many jobs. He has to teach the stars to sing and he has to take care that during the day, when they are not on the sky, they properly clean their rays. " Lee read in a quite voice. He was surprised that he managed to keep his voice so steady. With every word he read, he saw images of Alicia sitting next to Nia's bed and softly reading to her. He could feel her eyes on him during the times he had been the one reading. The memories seemed to catch his breath, but he continued reading. And with every word, the tension seemed to lift and other distant memories replaced the despair inside of him. Memories of a warm, deep voice speaking the very words he was reading to his daughter now. "Stars are beautiful little girls with silver hair and every child on every planet has its own star." He continued.
"Me too?" Nia asked.
"Of course." Lee smiled as another memory came back to him. "You may not remember it, but when we still lived on Caprica with your grandma, I took you out every night and I showed you your very own star. It is the brightest star on the sky and it belongs only to you."
"You have a star too?"
"Yes, I have." Lee nodded and shortly glanced at his father. "Mine is directly next to your uncle Zak's."
"And Mommy?"
Lee swallowed. He should have seen that one coming. "Of course she has one too. It's very high up in the sky and it looks out for all the other, smaller stars."
"Like Mommy looks for me?" A single tear rolled down Nia's cheek and Lee gently wiped it away. A moment later he rubbed his hand over his own face to hide the tears that were threatening to escape his own eyes.
"She always looks out for you. I told you so, didn't I? Would I be wrong?" Lee put on his best smile, hoping it would convince Nia and hide his pain deep inside.
"Nooo, you're never wrong, Daddy." Nia quickly sat up, slung her arms around Lee's neck and gave her father a kiss on his face.
Lee swallowed. If they went on like that, he was sure he would break out in tears any minute. And he couldn't risk that. Because if he started to give into the grief now, he was afraid he wouldn't find a way to stop it anymore.
"Let's go on, okay?" He tucked Nia back into bed and covered her with the blanket. He picked up the book and continued reading.
With tears in his eyes, Adama watched Lee from across the room. His son might not have said it in words, but he had seen it in his eyes. Lee knew exactly where that book came from.
XXXXXXX
"Okay, I think we have everything." Lee looked at the small huddle of boxes and bags lying on the floor in front of him. Most of the things belonged to his daughter … it was amazing how many children's clothes, toys and other necessities they had been able to get their hands on since the attacks.
The hatch to his father's quarters opened and Mathilda stepped in. Lee blushed seeing the older woman. He hadn't talked to her once about his plans to move to the Pegasus. Not that he had tried to avoid the subject – he simply hadn't thought about it.
"Looks like everything is ready for the big move." Mathilda smiled at Lee and then knelt down next to Nia. "You have Dolly with you, sweetheart?"
Nia nodded and pointed at the puppet she was holding in her arms. She seldom went anywhere without it.
"Mathilda …" Lee started, looking uncomfortably at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't even talk about this with you. We …"
"Don't worry, your father had already filled me in on everything. My bags are packed and I'm ready to go." Mathilda smiled.
Surprised Lee looked at her. "What? Oh, but … We can't expect you to move again. You already gave up your friends once when you moved to the Galactica and …"
"Stop right there, Lee Adama!" Mathilda ordered him, looking at him so sternly she could compete with the older Adama any time. Lee almost felt like a little boy again. "I have found new friends here on the Galactica and I will find new friends on the Pegasus as well. I have taken you and your family into my heart and not even the whole Cylon fleet is going to stop me from being there for you. Especially now." She added more softly. "I lost my family in the attacks and I came to think of you as somehow a new family. Nia means the world to me. You're not going to take that away from me, are you?"
Lee blushed even more, feeling utterly embarrassed now. "Of course not. I just thought …" A smile crept on his face as he realized that he too had somehow started to see Mathilda as part of the family. She was already more like a grandmother to Nia than a Nanny. "You have no idea what it means to me that you are willing to come with us."
His words didn't exactly mirrored his feelings and gratefulness to the older woman, but Mathilda understood him nevertheless. Smiling she padded his arm. "Let's go then." She grinned. "I'm always looking forward to a new challenge and from what I heard, the Pegasus is going to be one hell of a challenge." She tousled Nia's hair and then got up to leave. "I'll meet you in the hangar bay. Our Raptor is already waiting." Winking she added, "I always wanted to say that."
Chuckling Lee watched her close the door behind her. For a moment, the heaviness on his heart seemed to lift a little bit. "You heard her, Nia. Our Raptor is waiting."
XXXXXXX
Lee wasn't sure how, but somehow he managed to carry all their bags and Nia to the hangar bay in one run. He was amazed– considering the fact they had started with basically nothing six months ago – how much stuff they had managed to collect in that short time.
He did his best to not think of the one, big part missing.
His father had offered to help, but then some kind of minor emergency had forced him to bid his good bye to his family earlier than planned and hurry off to CIC, so Lee was currently without a babysitter at hand. His original plan had been to leave Nia alone for a few minutes and take most of the bags to the raptor, then come back and get his daughter. But once again she had refused to leave her father out of sight and Lee had to admit that the pure thought of leaving Nia alone – even for only a few minutes – sent waves of panic through him. Lee was starting to worry about Nia's clinginess. It was one thing that he didn't want to let her out of his sight, but Nia shouldn't need to have him around all the time. Once he was on the Pegasus, he couldn't take Nia with him everywhere. She had to learn to let go. But she was only two – how was he supposed to talk about this with her? And how was he supposed to leave her behind when she was crying and calling for him?
"You need a hand, Commander?"
Kara's mocking voice pulled him out of his thoughts. With a mix of relief and frustration he looked at her. "What does it look like?"
"Give this to me." Kara laughed and took most of the bags.
"Thanks. What are you doing here anyway?"
"What, you think I'd let you leave just like that?" Kara smirked.
"I thought we had said our goodbyes yesterday." Lee replied with a raised eyebrow. Not that he was really surprised to see Kara here. She clang to him almost as much as Nia. The only difference was that she at least left for the night. And even though Lee appreciated her worry for him, he also felt crushed by her consisting hovering over him. Combined with his father's efforts to somehow make this easier, he sometimes felt like he couldn't breathe. So in some way it was good that he was moving to the Pegasus. There would be new people who didn't worry about him and would only look at him as the new Commander … not the man who had just lost his wife. To suicide. New people, new responsibilities and more work than before – that was exactly what he needed right now.
"Nah, that was no goodbye. And anyways, it seems we're going to see each other much more often than we both thought last night." Kara grinned and Lee's suspicions immediately rose.
"What did you do?"
"Not I, Lee Adama. Your father. He doesn't trust Stinger very much, not after that man pointed a gun at you, so he transferred that jerk to Galactica and me to Pegasus. I'm your new CAG, Commander." Kara gave Lee her typical Starbuck wide grin.
Lee stifled a groan. "You're kidding, right?"
"Hey, I'm going to be a good CAG." Kara acted offended.
"Daddy is CAG." Nia cut in and pointed at her father's insignias. She was already a full military girl.
"Your Daddy is a Commander now, Nia. That means he gets to order many more people around. Just like your Grandpa." Kara grinned. "Your Dad and I will be a great team."
"I'm going to send you to the brig if you don't behave, you know that, right?" Lee pointed out.
"Now you sound exactly like a father who threatens to send his daughter to her room. You hear that, Nia? Remember that tone, your Dad is going to use that one on you a lot when you're older. But don't worry, I know a trick or too …"
"Kara." Lee looked at her with narrowed eyes. "You won't ruin my daughter."
Holding her hands up in all innocence, Kara looked at him sheepishly. "I only have her best interests in mind."
"Sure you do." Lee chuckled, not being able to stay serious any longer. Immediately guilt welled up in him for feeling so lighthearted. Alicia wasn't even dead a whole week.
Kara saw the shadow flash across Lee's face, but before she could say anything, Racetrack's voice sounded from out of the Raptor.
"Are you ever going to get in? There's a Battlestar waiting for you, Sir."
"Already on the way, Racetrack." Lee replied. He brushed by Kara without saying anything else and entered the Raptor. He greeted Mathilda who had already been waiting for them and then strapped Nia on one of the seats.
Sighing Kara followed them inside. This would be harder than she thought.
TBC
from "Peterchens Mondfahrt" by Gerdt von Bassewitz