Chapter 36
Rachel POV
It's been 2 weeks since we got back from New York. I still haven't heard anything from Julliard. I'm trying not to let it bother me. But the longer it goes without word the more concerned I am.
"Rachel, where are you? Oh my God where are you!" Kurt screams while running up the stairs. When he gets to my door he is out of breath. "Oh….phone….just now…..school…..I'm in."
"Kurt I can't understand you? What are you in?"
"Julliard. They just called. I got in!" I jump up and hug him and we jump up and down screaming.
"Oh my God Kurt I'm so excited for you." I say sincerely, because I am excited for him. But it also hits me that no one has called me yet.
"Have you heard anything yet?" Kurt asks.
"No. Nothing. But maybe it will come this week. Now that they are calling. So you have to tell me what they said."
"They said that it helped that I had a unique voice. And that's what they are looking for. I don't know if that means they didn't have any other boys that sounded like girls or what."
"Well either way, you deserve this Kurt. You really do." I sit back down at my desk and start working on my homework again.
"They are going to call you know." He says. "You're more talented than I am. So they are going to call."
"It's ok Kurt. You are allowed to enjoy this. Please enjoy it." He smiles and hugs me again.
"I know. I just don't want to do this without you."
"I'm still going to New York, Julliard or not. It's fine Kurt."
"Ok, well I need to get back home; I just wanted you to be the first to know."
"Awww, you ran over here and told me first."
"Of course. You are my best friend. If I couldn't share it with you, it wasn't worth sharing." I hug him again and he walks back out the door.
I want to be happy. I try to feel something other than worry. I sit and work on my English assignment but the only words I have on the paper are 'what if'. After sitting for 20 minutes at those two words my phone rings and I jump. I look down and see Finn's name on the caller ID.
"Hello?"
"Hey babe. I just heard about Kurt. Are you ok?" He says sounding concerned.
"Of course I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Rach, it's me. You don't have to lie to me."
"Ok, I'm not fine Finn. What if they don't call me? What if I don't get in? Oh forget it; I really don't want to talk right now. I'm sorry Finn. I have to go."
I hang up and I feel the tears starting to fall. Before I know it, I'm sobbing on the bed until I feel a pair of arms wrap themselves around me and I look up to see Finn, he's sweating and it looks like he's been running.
"Hey, calm down Rach. It's going to be fine. It really is." I sink into his arms letting the tears fall until nothing else can come out.
"Thank you Finn. You always know when I need you." I wrap my arms tighter around him as he lies back on the bed.
"You are always there for me. I'm just returning the favor."
We must have fallen asleep because I kept having this dream where the phone would ring and ring and I couldn't get to it to make it stop ringing and then I realized that my actual phone was ringing. I jumped up off the bed diving for the phone on the floor. Finn woke up suddenly and fell off the other side of the bed. I grabbed the phone and answered it.
"Hello?"
"Is this Rachel Berry?"
"This is she."
"This is Jon Ashton with the Julliard School. I wanted to let you know that we really enjoyed your audition and we feel that you did an amazing job, however at this time we are booked for the fall semester. We have placed you on the waiting list in case one of the other students is unable to make it."
"Oh I see." I say trying not to sound too disappointed.
"We want you to know that we were very impressed by you and we do hope to include you in the school in the future. We will be in contact. Do you have any questions?"
"Um, no not at this time. Thank you." I hang up the phone and look over at Finn who is staring at me from the bed.
"Well, who was that?"
I sigh. "I didn't get in." His face falls.
"What? Are they insane? What the hell is their problem?" He yells. I climb up on the bed and bury my head in his shoulder.
"I got on the waiting list. They really liked my audition. But they are booked. Standard stuff probably." I look up at him and the worry in his face. "What am I going to do?"
"Rach, it's going to be fine. You can stay with Blaine and I and go to school with me. Brooklyn has a wonderful music program." I don't want to go to Brooklyn. I want to go to Julliard. This is so unfair.
"I just want to go to bed. Do you mind?" He looks at me hurt.
"Yeah that's fine. I mean, if you are sure. You can always call me later."
"Yeah I just want to be alone." I kiss him on the cheek and he walks to the door.
"I love you Rachel. No matter what you may think of yourself right now. I love you. And I still believe in you." He turns and walks out the door and I feel the tears falling down my face as I curl into a ball on my bed.
When I finally get out of bed the next morning I drag myself downstairs to tell my dad's. They are sad, but try and be encouraging. And I appreciate it, but honestly don't want to hear it right now. I go back upstairs after breakfast and put my hair in a pony and throw on a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. I don't even feel like getting dressed up today. Don't I deserve one day of mourning?
I grab my bag and head out to the truck when I hear Finn honk. He watches me walk to the truck with his mouth open. When I get in he is still staring at me.
"Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?" He says.
"What? I'm just tired. Can we just go to school already?"
He frowns and pulls the truck out on to the road and we drive to school in silence.
Once we get to school, everyone is acting the same as Finn. People are staring and pointing but I really don't care. I'm used to people thinking I'm a freak. But before I would always think that I would show them all when I left and went to Julliard. Now I'm not. So I guess they showed me.
I see Kurt standing at his locker and Finn walks over to put his stuff in his and shrugs his shoulders at him. He starts walking my way so I throw my books in my locker and quickly head off to my first class. I don't feel like being rude and I don't mean to be cruel to Kurt. I am happy for him. But I just can't fake enthusiasm right now. He seems to understand this as he sits in the back of the room instead of the seat beside me in first period. He doesn't walk with me to the next class even though we both have the same one. He avoids me during lunch and it isn't until Glee club that he approaches me.
"I'm sorry about the call." He says quietly. "They're making a mistake; I just wanted you to know that." He turns and walks back to his seat.
"Well, who's the Lima loser now?" I hear Quinn's voice behind me.
"Not now Quinn." I walk over and sit in my seat.
"Why not now? I'm sorry are you too depressed at realizing the fact that you really are NOTHING?"
"THAT'S ENOUGH QUINN!" I hear Finn shout! He walks into the room and sits down beside me as Quinn sits down in the back of the room scowling.
I don't know what we talked about or did in Glee because for most of the hour I just kept hearing Quinn's words rolling around in my brain. 'You really are nothing.'
When Finn dropped me off at home, I told him I wasn't feeling well and went straight to my room. I climbed into bed and took a nap. I heard the front door open about an hour later and someone on the stairs.
"I know you don't want to talk right now. But it's ok because you don't have to. I'm going to talk and you are going to listen!" Finn says storming into my room.
"Finn. Really…."
"No Rachel, I'm going to talk. Just listen. I know that are you upset. And I get that. But not talking to Kurt, not talking to me. Walking around like someone died. I'm not going to let you do this. You didn't let me destroy my life after I got hurt. I can't let you do this."
"Finn, I'll be fine." I try to tell him again.
"No you aren't fine, and if you keep going like this you won't be fine." He walks over and sits on the bed beside me taking my hands in his. "Rachel, I love you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. You do something for me that I can't even describe. When I think I can't do something, you are always there to tell me I can and somehow I just believe you. So I want to be that person for you. I know it was hard getting that phone call. You have been waiting your whole life for that moment and now you think that because they turned you down that somehow that means everything you have worked for is gone."
I feel the tears falling down my face. "It's not gone Rachel. You can still have everything you hoped for; it's just going to take longer. It's going to take more work."
"I don't want it to take longer. I don't want to work harder. I've been working harder than everyone else my whole life. HOW IS THIS FAIR?" I scream at him jumping off the bed.
"It's not fair Rachel. It's just not. But life isn't fair. Sometimes you have to get over it and move on."
"Don't you dare tell me to move on Finn Hudson. Don't you dare."
"You can still go to Brooklyn. They have an amazing music program. I've been looking into it all night." He holds up the paperwork for the Conservatory of music at Brooklyn in his hands and puts them on the bed.
"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BROOKLYN COLLEGE FINN!" I Shout.
"Why? Because it's not good enough? Because it's not Julliard. Well guess what Rachel, I'm not Julliard either. I'm just Brooklyn. Maybe I'm not good enough for you either!" He stands up and stomps out of the room and I hear the front door slam and I flinch.
I curl up in a ball in the corner of my room and sob. I want to run after him, to stop him, to stop the massive hole that he just left in my heart. But nothing is going the way I planned it to. I don't know how long I stayed in the corner but at some point I crawled over to the bed and climbed under the covers. I feel the papers against my leg and I reach down and pull them up to my face. Finn has all kinds of red marker circled on the page and I realize its classes he thinks I could take. There are notes in the margin as well.
'Ear Training' and Finn has written 'not sure why your ears need training though'
'Music in New York City' with the words 'why is this a class? Of course the music is in NYC, the school is here, duh'
'Performance' with big red letters 'You would kill any performance you gave'
I smile as I look through the papers. When I get to the back of the book I see he has already started filling out my application for me. I sigh and climb out of bed. There is no point in acting like a spoiled brat. Finn is right. It's just delayed. I have never let anything get in the way of my dreams before. Why am I letting one denial ruin my life?
I throw on my jacket and walk down the stairs and before I know it I'm halfway to Finn's house. When I see his house up ahead I run the rest of the way to the front door and knock.
"Rachel, are you ok?" Kurt says opening the door. I grab him and pull him in for a hug.
"I'm so sorry for the way I've been acting. I love you Kurt and I am super excited for you."
"Rachel, I understand how you feel. I know you are sad. I figured you would be ok eventually. You don't have to apologize to me."
"Yes I do. I've been acting spoiled and ruining what should be a celebration."
"Are you sure you are going to be ok?" He asks again.
"Yes, there is always next semester. And I can always hope someone actually breaks their leg and can't attend this semester." I laugh and he hugs me again.
"Is Finn in his room?" I ask quietly.
"Yeah I'm surprised you can't hear the loud music from here." I pat him on the shoulder and start up the stairs. As I reach the top I can hear heavy banging and realize that it's Finn playing the drums along to the radio. I knock on his door and wait but the music continues. I push the door open and peek in.
"Kurt I said leave me alone, I don't want the damn milk! Oh...Hi." He says startled.
"Can I come in?" I ask shyly.
"Yeah…sure." He says as he gets up and plops down on his bed.
I sit down at his desk and turn off the radio and look up at him. He looks hurt. I know he was trying to do something nice for me and I ruined it. "Please don't think you aren't good enough for me, ever." I say quietly.
He looks up. "Rach, I know that Brooklyn isn't as good as Julliard. I know it's not what you want. I just…I just didn't want you to give up." I walk over and sit on the bed next to him.
"There is nothing wrong with Brooklyn College and I looked at the stuff you brought me. It does have a fine music program. But you have to understand that it wasn't the college I was upset about. I was being a brat Finn. I just felt like my shot was blown."
"But aren't you the one who told me never to give up?" He asks.
"Yeah, I guess I forgot."
"Well that's what you have me for Rachel, to remind you and stuff. It can't always be you being the strong one. You have to trust me to be there for you too." I lean over and put my head on his chest.
"I know Finn. I'm just used to being the one supporting you. Pushing you. I've told myself for years that I was going to go to Julliard. This was the first time that I realized it wasn't going to happen. But you are right. I need you to remind me."
"And I will every single day Rach. You can't give up. It's not over. You just have to keep trying. And I'll be there with you every step of the way. Number one fan remember?" I lean up and kiss him and he pulls me closer to him and I just lie there in his arms for what feels like hours.
"You are my Julliard, Finn." I whisper.
He looks down at me confused. "What?"
"Ever since I was little the only dream I have ever had was Julliard. It's the only thing I have ever wanted. And I do still want it. And nothing is going to stop me from getting there. But I've realized today, that my dreams have changed. There is no Julliard for me without Finn Hudson. When you left today, it was worse than that phone call." I feel his arms tighten around my waist.
"You're going to get to Julliard, Rachel. I don't have a doubt in my mind. And you will always have me so I guess you are just going to have to figure out what you are going to wish for after all your dreams come true." I look up into his eyes and smile.
And that's when I know that I already have more than I ever wished for. "Who needs dreams, when I have you?"