Chapter Thirty-Five "The Angels Have the Phone Box"

Dean left Cas to rest when he couldn't look him in the eye anymore. He knew they should be getting to the morgue, but he wasn't ready for people just yet. Sam was perfectly capable of doing the spell on his own anyway. Dean had orchestrated this whole thing to try to help, but the realization of his goal brought him no comfort or reassurance. Doing one good thing didn't make him less of a monster.

Dean took a long shower, which didn't help. It didn't wash away the dirty feeling that radiated from his insides. He still felt too good, too fed. He remembered the time he explained to Cas why he wasn't affected by Hunger. He had said that he was well fed. Of course, the truth of it turned out to be that he was dead inside or whatever, which apparently hadn't changed.

He avoided looking in the foggy mirror as he got out of the shower because Dean knew he would see the same thing there he had been seeing his whole life. He couldn't hide those dead eyes behind jokes and false laughter anymore. He couldn't hide from himself.

Dean let out a guttural scream as he swung his fist as hard as he could. It collided with the mirror, sending shards of glass all over the bathroom, cutting into him and dropping to the floor. He felt his own blood dripping from his hand and then gradually from the rest of the tiny cuts all over his body. It would take longer to clean up the mess than it would to heal.

Dean didn't bother picking up the glass or wiping the blood off the tile. He bandaged the worst of his cuts and got dressed. He needed something to do, something to let him believe he was useful for a while before he went completely nuts. He decided to go down to the morgue and see if the others were still waiting for him.

Dean had barely left his room when he saw the one thing he had been fearing ever since he came topside. It felt as if he were moving through water as he tried to get to the other end of the hallway where Benny was carrying Cas with Sam, Meg, and Lenore close behind. Sam hurried ahead to open the door to Cas' room, and as he did, he caught Dean's eyes with a sad expression. No one else even seemed to notice that Dean was there.

As he got closer, Dean felt a small sense of relief: he could still smell Cas' grace and hear his heart beating. But it seemed cold somehow. Dean hurried into the room with the others and saw Meg staring down at the fresh bloodstain on the blanket that covered the bed. She looked over to where Benny was laying Cas down and realization showed on her face. She turned to face the doorway where Dean was standing, and he felt certain that her withering gaze would drain the life out of him. He wished it would.

"Everyone get out," Meg said sharply, turning her attention back to Cas.

"What?" Sam said. He was standing at the end of the bed looking his usual, concerned self.

"You can stay," she said. "The leeches need to go."

"It wasn't them," Dean said.

Meg put up her hand to stop him without looking away from Cas. "Leave. Now."

Dean didn't wait to be told a third time. It felt as if he were failing Cas all over again as he walked away from the room. On some level, he needed to be there, to help his friend. But at the same time, he knew he would only get in the way. Even now that he was satisfied, Dean could never quite get the scent of Cas' grace out of his mind.

Meg was right to be angry, though it was jarring because no one else had reacted that way. They should have. Sam and Benny, they should have been furious with Dean. Maybe they were just better at hiding it.

There was no going back from this. No saying it was a fluke, a mistake. It had happened too many times for that to fly. It had caused to much damage. Cas wouldn't get better. He wouldn't bounce back. Dean had hurt him in the worst way possible, and he knew he'd do it again given the chance. Cas was going to die. Dean was going to kill him.

~oOo~

When Benny and Lenore left Castiel's room, Dean had already disappeared. Benny couldn't exactly blame him for wanting to be left alone to his mental self-flagellation. At the same time, Benny felt his own measure if guilt. He had told Dean it was a bad idea to feed on Cas, but he hadn't done anything else to stop it. It seemed that he trusted Dean too much to criticize him.

"It's not, is it?" Lenore said softly. "Not what I think it is?"

The very idea of Dean feeding on Cas must have seemed impossible to her.

Benny sighed. "I'm afraid it is," he said. "I told him it was a bad idea, but I didn't stop him. I was away, and I didn't think it would go this far."

"How did it even start?" Lenore still sounded like she didn't believe it.

Benny shook his head. "I don't know the details."

He was thankful for the distraction of reaching the kitchen. Jody was sitting at the table drinking coffee and looking just as bleary-eyed as she had when she woke up.

"All these road trips are gonna kill me," she said. "I think I'm getting old."

"Maybe you can sit the next one out," Benny said as he walked over to the refrigerator. "Now that we've got more help."

At that comment, Jody seemed to notice that Lenore was there. She stood up and offered her hand. "Hey, I'm Jody Mills. You must be Lenore."

Lenore smiled as she shook Jody's hand. "I didn't realize the Winchester's had a whole team now."

"It kinda comes with the whole vampire world domination plot. Everyone's safer together."

"Maybe not everyone."

Jody frowned in confusion, and Benny took that as his cue to step in. "Here," he said, handing Lenore a blood bag from the refrigerator before turning to Jody. "Castiel isn't doing well."

Jody nodded with a serious look on her face. "I was about to head to the library. I'll ask Kevin if he's found anything about getting Cas' grace back."

As Jody left, Lenore watched Benny with a curious expression. "She doesn't know?" she asked.

"I don't think anyone but me and Sam knew before today," Benny replied.

"But the bite marks? And the scent of it?"

"There weren't any visible marks before. And they can't smell it on Dean like we can."

"Right. Should they know? I mean, there's probably no hiding it anymore. Meg won't keep it quiet."

"I'm not gonna be the one to share the news."

Lenore nodded and reached for a glass to pour the blood into. "I guess Dean should be given a chance to explain before they hear it from someone else."

Even in the worst circumstances, Lenore was still giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. She busied herself pouring a drink and then went to put the rest away. As she looked into the refrigerator, her eyes narrowed.

"What's that?" she asked.

"What?" Benny moved to join her.

She was looking at two blood bags in the back that had a strange symbol written on them in black marker. Benny picked one up and smelled it.

"It's Castiel's," he said. "Why would he..."

"Storing it... He was storing it. For Dean?"

"Maybe. He could probably use it himself now."

"You think that would work? A transfusion of his own blood?"

"It's worth a try."

"Maybe we should give it to one of the others." Lenore tapped her chin thoughtfully as she walked back over to the counter and picked up the glass. "I mean, since Meg is in decapitation mode right now."

Benny closed the refrigerator and sat down at the table. "You're probably right," he said. "I didn't realize how serious she was about him."

A knowing look crossed Lenore's face. It was more of a slight nostril flare, but Benny knew what it meant. "She didn't talk about it because she didn't want to dwell on what she couldn't have. I suspect."

"You must have gotten to know each other more since you were alone."

Lenore took a drink and nodded. "You would think that."

"What, she kept up that prickly attitude? Of course she did."

"There were moments. But she never says exactly what she means. It's all just under the surface."

"Is that a demon thing or just her personality?"

"I think it may be the result of never trusting anyone with her true thoughts." Lenore finished off the blood and went over to the sink to rinse out the glass. "She didn't think we would get out. She thought you wouldn't come for us."

Benny got up and crossed over to stand behind Lenore. He put his arms around her waist and leaned his head against hers. "She doesn't understand," he said.

Lenore leaned into his embrace. "Love has been less kind to her," she said. "I didn't fault her for thinking that way, but I knew you'd get me out all the same."

~oOo~

Sam did his best to help Meg rather than getting in her way. He brought bandages for the bite wounds and cool cloths to help with the fever. A growing dread began to spread from his gut outward. That, combined with his still healing shoulder, made for the height of discomfort. Never mind the awkward silence. Meg didn't say anything except to bark orders. She had only been impersonating a nurse when Cas was crazy, but it seemed she had picked up a few things.

"He's getting delirious," Meg finally said as she arranged a fresh cloth on Cas' forehead.

She was right. Cas had gone from simply being unconscious to twitching an murmuring between ragged breaths. He seemed to be getting worse every minute.

"Is this even helping?" Sam asked.

"It has to be better than nothing." Meg sat on the edge of the bed and crossed her arms. "Why didn't you tell me it was this bad?"

Sam pulled up a nearby chair and sat down. "It wasn't. I mean, not until now. He had some issues before, but..."

Meg worked her jaw and stared past Sam. "So Dean did this. He made it worse."

Meg's voice came out hollow and emotionless, but Sam knew she had to be furious on the inside. She had told him how she felt about Cas. It always seemed a little strange to him that she confided in him, but he reasoned that she was about to die. Now, though, it was different. Now it was intentional. They had some kind of connection, and Sam was tired of connecting with people who had possessed him.

"He didn't know this would happen, and..." Sam didn't completely believe that, and he couldn't keep up the excuses. He sighed heavily and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "He knew it was dangerous, but I guess Cas was kind of insistent. And we've been trying to find his original grace. We may have a lead on that."

"Does that make it okay?" Meg asked with a hint of amusement in her voice. It was bitter though.

"I don't know." Sam rubbed his face absently. "I just know there was nothing I could have done to stop it."

"I don't know about nothing. I mean, there are plenty of sharp objects around here."

Sam glared at Meg, but made no response.

"Just my luck, I suppose," she went on. "Death is separation, isn't it?"

Sam thought of all those months Dean was in Purgatory and the thought of him going back there where Sam would never see him again. "Yeah," he said. "Something like that.

~oOo~

Kevin wished he could run. What he did was more of a flickering movement through the bunker. It was easy to find Sam because he still had the ring, but otherwise, Kevin felt a little lost. He had been away from this place too long, it seemed.

When he flickered into visibility in Cas' room, Kevin realized that he hadn't though all this through. Even though he was completely invulnerable, he still flinched when the demon lady threw a homemade spear at him.

"I should probably learn to knock," Kevin said.

"It's okay, Meg" Sam said, getting up from his chair. "We have a ghost."

"I'm not sure which makes me feel more special: being the Winchester's prophet or being the Winchester's ghost."

"You can have both."

Kevin grinned. "Yes, I can. I think I've figured it out."

Sam's eyebrows raised. "You mean you know how to help Cas?"

Meg came around the bed to where Kevin was standing. "What do we do?" she asked.

"I haven't quite gotten that far, but I've narrowed it down."

"How narrow?" Sam asked.

"I know where his grace is. Roughly."

"And?"

"Part of Metatron's spell indicates that all three elements must be kept together: the heart of the Nephilim, the Cupid's bow, and the grace of the one who collected the first two. Now, he could have hidden them anywhere, but they give off a lot of power, and in order for the gates of Heaven to stay closed, they have to stay inside."

"If that's true, then why haven't the angels found them yet?"

"Because only the one who performed the spell can sense the presence of the elements."

"So Cas has to go back to Heaven and find them?"

"He can't even stand up," Meg argued.

"I don't know how else to find it," Kevin said. "If the angels can't find it on their own, he's the only hope."

"But Meg's right," Sam said. "How is he supposed to make the trip like this?"

"He barely has any of his borrowed grace left as it is," Meg said.

"Dean." Cas' raspy voice startled even Kevin who was used to being the one sneaking into conversations.

Sam looked back at Cas who was staring at them all with glassy eyes. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"Dean can find it," he said. "I won't... make it that far... but he can."

"How will he know where to find it?" Meg asked.

"He has grace in him. He knows... my scent."

"But it's a different grace," Sam said. "I mean... isn't it?"

"It's still me. He'll find me."

Cas seemed to be fading away again, and Kevin got the feeling that if Dean were going to find Cas' grace, he needed to go now.

"So... where is he?" Kevin asked.

"I'll find him," Sam said. "You go over your findings again and make sure there's nothing else we need to know."

"Right." Kevin nodded. "Oh, which way is the library from here? I got kinda lost with all the... flickering."

Sam smiled weakly. "I'll show you."

As they left the room, Kevin couldn't help noticing the worried look on Meg's face. He didn't know her at all, but he knew what she was thinking: that they would fail, that Cas would die before Dean got back. She had the look of someone who expected the worst.

I am very excited about where this story is going. I've always planned it this way, but it's nice to finally be writing these ideas that have been in my head since last year. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts.