Chapter 36

AN: Short update, but I'm really, really tired.

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It was only two days before Kakashi could go home. He could feel his strength returning, and he thanked the stars that he was a ninja. A civilian would have been weeks – if not months – healing. They had taken him off the medicine – just in case it was part of the problem – and he hoped he didn't have more hallucinations.

"Are you ok?" Ibiki asked when he came in. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm not fragile," Kakashi said. "I just want to sleep for awhile, and then I'll be up and moving.

The walk from the hospital with Mother had left him exhausted. He more fell than lay on the bed, and he forgot to put his mouthpiece in.

He woke with Ibiki shaking him by the shoulder. Unlike Obito, Ibiki was careful to keep his other hand in a battle ready position, something Kakashi approved of. "What's wrong with you?" he asked.

Kakashi sat up, covered in drool again. "Oh fuck," he said, and he tried to wipe it off quickly. He didn't want to look Ibiki in the eye.

"Do I need to get Dad?" Ibiki asked.

"No," Kakashi said. "It's nothing."

Ibiki pointed to Kakashi's pillow. "That isn't nothing. That looks like a problem."

"Could you let it go?" Kakashi said. "It's a side effect of the medication. The mouth guard helps, but I forgot to put it in."

"Oh. Well shit. You had me worried. I thought you were sick again."

"Don't tell anyone, ok?" Kakashi asked. "Mother caught me trying to wash the pillow once, but she's the only one who knows.

"I won't," Ibiki said. "It's just drool. You're making a bigger deal out of it than it is."

I should have known he'd understand, Kakashi thought.

Ibiki pulled his own pillow down from the top bunk. "Use the mouth guard and borrow this for now. I'll give your pillow to Mother."

He knew Ibiki meant well, but he couldn't have been more embarrassed. "Thanks," he said and lay down. He closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep quickly. He didn't want to talk any more.

Kakashi couldn't sleep. If I forget that out in the field no one will ever take me seriously again, he thought. I'm not even on the medication anymore. How long does this stuff take to get out of my system?

Everything just seemed bad. His father was gone, and now Ibiki knew about his secret. He thought about the Uchihas and the PTSD problems and Obito, crushed and bleeding.

I wish I had died in the hospital, he thought.

Ibiki came in and wadded up his jacket. "I'll just use this tonight," he said.

He's too good to me, Kakashi thought. I don't deserve this.

He heard Ibiki's breath even out, and when he began to snore Kakashi finally gave in to the urge that he'd been feeling for hours. For the first time since he'd been about four he just let himself cry, not trying to stop it. He'd always felt that it was a weakness, but right now he just felt weak, and he didn't care.

He closed his eyes and let all the emotions he'd been keeping inside fill his mind. A flurry of images of people he'd failed and people who had failed him flooded his mind, and overlaying them all was the constant reminder of Obito's death.

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Ibiki woke when he heard something odd. What is that choking sound? He wondered. It was familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. After a few minutes he realized he was hearing someone crying. It was just loud enough to wake him.

He leaned over the bed and saw Kakashi with his eyes closed tightly and tears streaming down his cheeks.

What the hell? He wondered. Kakashi was tough. He didn't cry; no ninjas cried.

He knew Kakashi was already embarrassed about the drooling problem, but he thought it must be more than that.

Kakashi pulled the mouthpiece out and began to breathe through his mouth, and Ibiki figured his nose was probably blocked. He watched as Kakashi rolled onto his side and pulled the pillow over his head, and the sounds grew louder. Ibiki remembered his aunt at his grandmother's funeral; she had sounded like this.

He's sobbing, Ibiki thought, and he was afraid. Should I try to help him, or would that just make it worse?

He moved silently and slowly, making no noise. He knew where the bed creaked and used skills his Sensei had taught him to move to the floor without disturbing Kakashi. He snuck out and closed the door behind him, shutting out the sounds Kakashi was making.

His parents were talking at the table over tea, as usual.

"There's something wrong with Kakashi," he said.

"What is it?" his father said. "Is he hallucinating again? Try not to leave him alone if that happens."

"I don't know what's wrong," Ibiki said. "He's…crying."

"I know you're not used to any life but a ninjas," Mother said, "but children do cry when things are bad. Let him have some dignity about it and go back to sleep."

"This is bad," Ibiki said. "I can't explain. You have to see for yourself."

Mother opened the door and heard the muffled sobs coming from under Kakashi's pillow. "Poor baby," she said quietly. She went to the bed and lifted his pillow.

She hated the pain she saw in the eye that was open – red and raw looking. "Hey," she said. "I think you could use a friend right now."

He choked and stopped crying slowly. "I'm sorry," he said, the words obscured through his blocked nose. "I'm so sorry."

She wiped his face with the comforter. "For what, dear? You've been through a lot lately. It's ok to cry."

"No, it's not," Kakashi said. "I'm a Jounin. I have to be one of the strongest – in every way. I can't be weak. People could die. I just feel so bad right now."

"We're not at war anymore," she said. "I'm sure there are a lot of ninjas having problems right now. You're not alone."

"I can't be doing this," Kakashi said. "The village needs me, and Anko needs me, and my father needs me. I wanted to help you guys – not weigh you down." He began to cry again. "It's too much."

"I need you too," she said. She smiled. "I need you to be happy and healthy. I think your father and Anko need that too."

She stayed with him, saying soothing things until he fell asleep again. She woke him just enough to put the mouthpiece in his hand and tell him to put it in his mouth. When he was sleeping again she left to the frightened men in the other room.

"He'll be fine," she said. "He's not having any sort of episode. I think he's depressed. I'll get him to go talk to Dr. Yamanako tomorrow."

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CROW sat outside the window, crouching behind a hedge. Akihiro's seals were good, but he hadn't planned on a Sharingan user trying to get through them. The chakra lines stood out like fireworks, and CROW had easily evaded them.

He had cut a small hole and put his ear to the wall, casting a small jutsu on himself. It magnified the sound – not much – but enough that he could hear what was going on inside.

Just as I feared, he thought. Kakashi was far too weak to defend himself. I'll have to stay out here when I can. I hope Akihiro is as good as the stories say he is.

He wasn't disgusted with Kakashi's weakness as the younger ninja seemed to be. He remembered his own sickness after using his Sharingan for the first time – the pain, fever, and fear. Instead of loving family members, his father had simply told him to man up, that he was an Uchiha, and he'd better not spend the next day in bed.

CROW felt jealous. To be able to simply show someone emotion like that was something he could never hope to do.

I wonder what it's like to love someone, he thought. If I had someone to love I'd protect them, no matter what.

He stayed for two more hours until his relief showed up. CAT waited outside the chakra alarms as CROW moved lithely through them.

"Did you see how I did that?" CROW asked.

"I did," CAT whispered. "I still don't understand why we can't let Akihiro know we're guarding his family."

"He wouldn't accept the protection," CROW said. "I don't know him well, but the Hokage does, and he said the old man would be offended and send us away."

CROW left to try to get a few hours of sleep before he had to begin his other life as Itachi. He didn't tell CAT about the small hole in the wall.

Let him do his own dirty work, CROW thought.