Chapter 36
In the stillness of the night as the rain lashed against the windows, Gilbert lay beside Anne, her hand resting on his palm lightly. Despite the exhaustion threatening to creep up on him, he refused to sleep the precious night they had together away. He turned his head in the dim light to see her red hair on the pillow next to him. Her breathing was shallow, however he knew she was resting peacefully for the moment. He watched the faint light of the candle flicker against the ceiling, as the wind howled outside. When she stirred at the sound, he began to talk to her softly.
"You know, this isn't at all what I had in mind when I thought about our first night in bed together," he said with a little chuckle. He turned his head to look at her again- eyes closed, her little golden-brown lashes resting on her cheeks. Her red hair had been brushed back that afternoon, however in Anne's tossing and turning some had escaped and now lay on the pillow beside her. Gilbert's fingers came up to play with one soft curl, wrapping it around his finger like a golden wedding band. He gave a little sigh. He yearned to hear her voice- but for this moment in time, he knew that she could hear him. He lay back on the bed again with her hand resting on his, and the other clasped behind his brown head, allowing himself to finally speak out the tangle of thoughts swirling around in his mind.
"I suppose I imagined first there would be a little wedding outside in the sunshine." he murmured dreamily. "You walking toward me in a white dress, carrying roses. Those we love are there, and I walk you out into the sunshine to meet them, and we stand before the minister, who pronounces us man and wife. My mother will cry and Marilla will try not to- Mrs Lynde will tell everyone that Providence matched us up as children. I imagine that our families will plan an elaborate feast for everyone. You and Marilla and Dora will make the wedding cake, and my mother will make my grandmother's layer cake, which is wonderful; and her mother's special cookies, which are not." Gilbert gave a soft laugh. "They've been made for every Blythe wedding since the family arrived on the Island, despite the fact that no one honestly likes them. You can be sure that my aunt will bring those to our wedding."
He turned to look at her once more, and shifted gently to kiss her forehead, his voice low and intimate.
"And then we would leave everyone behind, and- I suppose where we go is still a mystery." he said softly. "Will we go somewhere by train, or drive to our honeymoon destination? Do we spend our first night together in a fancy hotel, or a little place far away from people to be completely alone?" He couldn't repress a smile, feeling his cheeks grow hot. "When I used to live in White Sands, I used to pass the big hotel on my way back to Avonlea. I- well, I never planned on telling you this, but I often saw couples in their wedding finery arriving there to honeymoon. And I would imagine that you were with me- that one day we would drive up to the front door, and someone would take our bags and escort us to our suite." He paused then, running his fingers along her soft palm gently. "I sometimes imagine that we do that- that we spend our wedding night in one of those beautiful hotels, and that I have to figure out how to stop myself from grinning like an idiot any time we have to deal with the staff." He smiled, fancying that he saw the corners of her mouth turn up slightly.
"And I suppose it depends on where we will live- where I set up my practice. Sometimes I wonder if we could we settle here, at home- a little house somewhere nearby so that our children would grow up knowing the woods and fields here as well as we do. They would go to the Avonlea school where their mother and father first met. If that happened, we would leave our wedding and drive to our house- and our first night together would be in our own home. And I think that would be wonderful too." He smiled tenderly, imagining carrying her over the threshold. "I don't think I ever told you that I saw what you did at Fred and Diana's house on the morning of the wedding- the beautiful flowers arranged around the house. I nearly fell over when Fred told me that it had been you. All I could picture was you scattering those rose petals on the bed. It hurt at the time- but then later I wondered if you were thinking of me; because I know that I couldn't help thinking of you." he whispered. "And if I'm honest, I kept seeing you and I in that bed. I had to get out of there so that I could keep functioning that day."
He rolled onto his side to face her, and a slight smile crossed his face as he ran reverent fingers down the long braid that lay beside him on the bed. "I'm guessing that this isn't what you pictured either, Anne-girl. But I can promise you that there's nowhere else I'd want to be. And I'm believing hard that day is ahead for us still- and that it will be the most wonderful day of our lives." He reached out to touch her soft cheek, and then for the cool washcloth to soothe her heated skin. It was with a big sigh that he lay back down beside her, his brown curls brushing across her forehead.
"I wish I knew what you were thinking, sweetheart," Gilbert said wistfully. "I wish you could tell me what you wanted- what you needed right now. I wish I could talk to you about some of the mistakes I've made- some of the things I didn't have the courage to face before now. And I will tell you those things- but I need it to be when you're ready to hear it, and when you can tell me that I've been an idiot. Because I have. I should never have kept anything from you, even if I thought I was doing it to protect you. I- I know that now. And I promise that I'll try and do better." She moved a little as he sponged her face, a little sigh falling from her lips that made him smile. "You have no idea how much I'm going to have to tell you when this is all over, Anne-girl. I've realised a lot of things while you've been- asleep." He picked up her hand in his, not closing it around the still-tender skin. He continued to talk, almost as if trying to order his own thoughts.
"I've realised in the last few weeks that I've been fighting against losing you ever since the day we met. I lost the chance to get to know you in the beginning, and I lost another that day at the lake. When you won the Avery I knew you would leave Avonlea- and I knew that I would lose the chance that I was still hoping for to make amends." He lay on his back then, so intent on trying to put his thoughts into words, that he didn't feel her finger move slightly against his palm. "And even when we became friends, I never realised that I kept carrying that same fear with me, even if you couldn't see it." He gave a wry laugh. "It's funny- when we first came together, you kept asking me if I was afraid- and you never seemed to believe me when I said that I was. Anne, I was always afraid. I was afraid that I'd upset you again- afraid that I would have to leave you to go to college, and that someone would capture your heart while I was gone. And when we had the good luck to go to Redmond together, I was watching every fellow who ever looked at you. I hoped I'd scare them away, somehow. I never stopped being terrified- and for a long time I let it control me."
His breath shuddered, and for one brief moment his hand clutched hers. It wasn't a vague, shapeless fear that he was experiencing now. The doctor's whispered conversations, the grief on Marilla's face, his mother's gentle cautions- he knew what they meant. His beloved girl was with him at this moment, held beside him in a manner that would never have been allowed in circumstances any less serious than this. His breath caught terribly. Would she be with him in the morning? Would he wake only to be forced to enter a world in which he was alone?
With an effort he stilled himself, relaxing his hold on her hand carefully. He tried to continue talking to her instead, calming his voice and body as much as he was able. "Well, I thought that would end when I asked you to marry me- but it didn't. I was just afraid of different things, instead. That I'd let you down or disappoint you, that I couldn't offer you what some other fellows could." He rested his head against her shoulder for a moment, his eyes closing in pain. "I know, I was underestimating you, I suppose I even underestimated myself. I was completely terrified of what three years could do to us. And all the while I kept telling you that it was going to be fine- and you told me the same- but I was still afraid." He swallowed, finding this harder to admit than he thought it would. "And then I learned the true meaning of fear." he whispered. "That I could actually lose you from this world- that I could have to live in a world where you loved me, but were gone. And I've realised how foolish I was to worry about the time apart- three years is nothing compared to a lifetime without you. And you tried to tell me that."
There was silence in the room for a time as Gilbert lay thinking about the mistakes he had made until a little sound from Anne brought him back to the present. Gilbert got to his feet to rinse the cloth in cool water again in the basin. His bare feet made no sound as he crossed to the window, and pulled the curtains to look out. All was dark outside the window, and Gilbert could hear the sound of the forest creaking under the violent winds and heavy rain, as the storm raged. He let the curtains fall into place and turned back to her, his expression tender. Very carefully, he lay back down next to her on his side, pressing the cloth to her forehead again, trying to cool her face. He looked at her beloved features, suddenly seeing more clearly than he ever had his future as her husband- a future where he could not fence out hurt from her life, where they would need to walk through the valley of the shadow together. Through sickness, through childbirth- through hard work, and times of grief and misunderstanding where they hurt each other. In doing so, Gilbert felt a weight he had never noticed himself carrying fall from his heart. Before now, he'd felt he needed to save her, to make up to her all of the things that she had been through. It had taken him until just this moment to realise that Anne had never asked him to. She had only asked that they walk side by side.
He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, memorising the way her shoulder pressed against his own, the way it felt to lie next to her. When the thunder rolled again shaking the panes in the window, he slipped his arm through hers comfortingly, his hand resting gently on her shoulder. He began to talk to Anne then- about big things and small; about things he had done in Alberta, times he had been taken by his mother to apologise for various bouts of mayhem around Avonlea that he had been responsible for. He told her about the older sister he had never known, how he had watched the other children with siblings enviously, wondering what it would be like to be a part of a big family. He told her stories about Avonlea before she came, and about childhood visits to his Uncle at Four Winds Harbour where his mother was born. He gave a little chuckle, as he talked then about the return from the west, his visit to New Brunswick with his family before coming back to the Avonlea school where a certain red-headed girl was waiting for him.
"Charlie punched me for that, you know." Gilbert ruefully added. "Diana told everyone you weren't coming back, making half of the girls cry; and then Charlie followed me home and gave me a black eye, saying it was all my fault." He gave a wry laugh. "I wasn't going to let him make me feel worse than I already did, so naturally enough I hit him back. If you'd come back to school the next day you would have seen me with a giant bruise and a sulky expression, and him with a nose almost as big as his goggley-eyes- and neither of us talking about why. It wasn't until much later that I had to admit I actually respected him for doing it. That is, until I figured out that he liked you. Then it was war." he said easily. There was a tiny movement at his side at that moment, one that Gilbert didn't see- suspiciously like eyes crinkling with unexpected laughter. He sighed then, a slight smile on his face as he watched the low candle flicker across the ceiling.
"I guess Charlie and I came to some kind of truce at school- we got on alright, as long as no one brought you into it. We used to spend a fair bit of time together, especially after Fred left school. When he was sixteen, his father wanted his help on the farm, and didn't see the sense in him continuing. I suppose we grew apart a bit after that, especially while we were at Queens. I think he felt a bit left behind sometimes. It wasn't till I was teaching, and he started to see Diana that we got to spend more time together- because naturally enough you were with Diana, and I was usually with you. And didn't Fred love to rib me about that." He gave a little snort of laughter. "I actually think he got to know Di a little better when we were all off at Queens, actually. Most of the kids our age- Ruby, Josie, you and Jane, Moody, Charlie and me- we'd all gone."
The rain was beginning to steady by now, much to Gilbert's relief. When he studied Anne's face, her breathing had calmed, and the little, worried line had gone from her forehead now that the worst of the noise was over. He ran the cool cloth over her cheeks again, and she gave a little sigh, turning towards his hand. With a loving smile on his face, he stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers. Where he had found so many things to say to her, he didn't know. There was a strange catharsis in talking to Anne about everything and nothing, on this night that somehow felt suspended in time. She already knew him better than anyone else did- and yet little anecdotes would pop into his mind, things he had never thought to tell her before. And how strange to be in a single moment- to not worry about the future, to simply be in this world where only he and Anne existed.
"We never really talked much about our time at Queens, did we?" Gilbert said, thoughtfully. "There was too much else to catch up on, when we first became friends. And everything happened so fast after we returned." He chuckled again, a feeling of warmth stealing its way back into his heart at being so close to her again. "I used to see you and Priss and Stella together, and I'd find myself wondering what it would have been like to walk up to the three of you, and to just down and start talking. There were a couple of times I nearly did it- I wondered if the presence of Priss and Stella might make you talk to me. I'm not sure that you would have though, Anne-girl. That's why I never did it. I kept seeing your face at the pond that day, and I felt I had no choice but to take you seriously. And I kept telling myself that if anyone was going to make a move, that it had to be you.
"I got so tired of the other fellows at the boarding house ribbing me about which girl I liked, and trying to figure out who she was, that I made up someone- said she was from out west. I'm sure you'll understand why I called her Cordelia." He grinned, remembering Charlie's skepticism. "I didn't want any more people talking about me liking you- especially when it was clear that you still hadn't forgiven me. The Avonlea crowd didn't buy it though- and Ruby would ask me about it every week on the walk home. I used to go on to her about schoolwork just to make her stop." He gave a little sigh, before chuckling again. "Also that year I tried a cigar that Frank Stockley brought to a dance once. Mother found out about it from- you guessed it, Mrs Sloane. And if you think me trying it at seventeen somehow made it better, then you would be wrong. She was ferocious about that.
"When we came back I thought you were going to be leaving soon for Redmond. I was kicking myself for how badly I hated the idea of you going. I didn't want to be jealous, and I didn't want to admit that I would miss you so much. We had just a day or two at home- and then Matthew died. Sweetheart, I knew how devastated you would be. I- I never told you this, but my dad had me checking on the lower field the day before- and I saw you and Matthew walking the cows home together. I ducked out of sight so you couldn't see me. I was thinking about how much Matthew and Marilla would miss you when you went- and then it seemed to hit me how much I would miss you. I was still trying to come to terms with that when the news came. He was so proud of you, Anne- they both were. He would love the fact that you have your degree now, and that you stayed to look after Marilla. And when you held out your hand to me, I was so glad to be able to be there for you- to be a part of making you smile again. And in doing that I found a happiness like I've never known before." He blinked rapidly then, his eyes stinging. "I'm glad. I'm glad for every single bit of it- and I don't even think I'd change our past, even if I could. Whatever my life would have been before, it's something different now because you've been in it. I'll never stop being thankful for that."
Through the darkest hours of the night he talked to her softly, enjoying her closeness as the sound of the rain diminished, and watching her dearly-loved face. His voice grew tired, and he lay for some time in silence then, stroking her fingers with his thumb. His head grew heavier and heavier, and despite the fear that she would slip away from him, eventually he let himself surrender to sleep. He was with her- and for now it was all he could ask. He allowed his head to drop onto her pillow, and gently placed his arm around her, his eyelids closing and his face burrowing into the softness of her nightgown. Just before he slept, he gave a wistful smile at the little sound she made. It almost sounded as if she had murmured his name.
She was walking through the old woods she loved. The pines were releasing their mellow fragrance in the mingled mist and sunshine of early morning, and summertime flowers bloomed in the shady hollows. She was not wandering idly; she was searching for someone. Every now and then she thought she heard an echo, a word, a distant laugh. She would turn her head to the source of the sound, and see a fragmented memento; an old scarf in the crook of a tree, a stethoscope half-buried in the soft grass beside a little spring. A golden locket found amongst a patch of white violets, and a worn, blue tie lying in a green, mossy hollow.
As she came to a clearing, she stopped, her breath coming quickly. This place was hauntingly familiar. She knew it- this was where he found her, where he always found her. Her senses told her that she was alone; the woods behind her were completely still, completely silent. Still she turned her head in every direction, knowing that he would come for her. She deliberately turned towards the wood again, knowing somehow that he would be there. On the edge of the forest, she closed her eyes then, waiting for the footsteps that she loved.
A branch behind her broke, and from some hidden bough, a bird sang sweetly. Her cheeks flushed, and her heart began to pound, as she finally heard his footsteps behind her.
This time there could be no hesitation- she had found the one her soul loved. She turned to him, her eyes searching his face. Glowing hazel eyes met her own as he pulled her to him. His mouth was hungrily seeking hers, his breath warm against her skin as he held her close. His lips were on hers, and she became aware that a light, warm rain was falling on them both, dampening her skin in the golden sunlight. His mouth moved against hers breathlessly, his arms holding her tightly to him. With a gasp she felt him drawing her to the soft ground with him, his body warm and firm next to her own. She pulled him to her again with a little laugh, her long fingers stroking the roughness of his jaw as he pressed himself into her.
"You have to wake up, sweetheart."
Anne pulled away from his lips breathing heavily, one eyebrow quirked in disbelief. "Really? Right now?"
He chuckled, and her skin prickled at the sound of his laughter against her. "Yes, now. It's been long enough, hasn't it?"
She looked around her, puzzled, as the sunlight and trees began to fade from her sight. She could still feel his body next to hers, and it was with a little fear that she spoke his name.
"Gilbert?"
"Just open your eyes, Anne."
Slowly, Anne opened them.
It was only a moment before she shut them again quickly, against the dim light in the room that to her felt as bright as the noonday sun. She drew in a breath, trying to make sense of her surroundings. She lay motionless on a bed, and she could hear someone's soft breathing next to her. Puzzled, she turned her head towards the sound, feeling how closely they were tucked beside her. She could still see nothing- and she gave a little internal chuckle. That was because she'd shut her eyes again. With a deep breath she opened her eyelids, blinking rapidly. They felt gritty, and it took her some moments to adjust. As she did so, slowly her room came into focus. There was a candle burning on her desk on her right, and a fresh nightgown lay on the chair beside it. Of course- she was at home. A little afraid of the answer to the most pressing question, she slowly lifted her right hand to her forehead, feeling the moisture there. The gnawing pain in her stomach that she had grown used to even in her sleep was gone, although something still felt odd there. A bird was chirping outside her window, and slowly she turned her face to her left.
Her breath caught, and her heart began to pound. Gilbert's beloved face lay beside her on her pillow, with a little crease on his forehead even in sleep that she longed to smooth out. She couldn't suppress the smile on her face. It was his arm warmly tucked around her middle, and a blanket lay over the two of them. She could see the little tray laid with medicines on the dresser and an apron hanging on the hook on her wall, with fresh white towels next to a pitcher of water. With a blinding flash, she remembered what had happened- the long weeks of illness and confusion, memories that even now lay in shadow. Somehow, somehow she knew that the worst was over.
How long she lay there, slowly testing out her senses, she didn't know. She lay her head back down next to his, simply watching the man she loved, as dawn's light slowly crept into her little white room. But then there were footsteps in the hall, hushed voices. She turned her face to the door as it opened.
Cora Blythe stepped into the dim room, smiling a little sadly at the sight of her son huddled protectively next to Anne on the bed. She'd come in only a few hours ago and covered the sleeping pair up, her heart sinking at the stillness of the girl next to him. She'd hoped- she'd always hoped- and yet she'd see it too often before. She forced herself now to look at Anne's face in the morning light- and an electric shock went through her as she met Anne's intelligent, wide grey eyes. Her hand flew to her mouth, and she stayed there frozen, tears beginning to fall.
Anne lay quietly as Marilla walked into her room after Cora, with a slower step than she had ever seen. Marilla stood beside Cora and her breath caught, hearing the broken sounds of thanksgiving coming from the nurse, and seeing for herself the smile on the face that she loved. Marilla knelt beside Anne then, her own repressed tears beginning to fall as she pressed her hand against the cheek that was damp and rapidly cooling.
"My little girl." she murmured, her hand trembling as she smoothed the red hair back from her forehead. In a voice that sounded as if it had been woken up again, she spoke crisply- "Anne Shirley, don't you ever, ever scare me like that again." she said, as another tear traced its way down her wrinkled cheek.
Beside her, Cora gave a little sob. To both of their surprise, Anne lifted a finger to her mouth, while looking to the man on her bed tenderly.
"Don't wake him." she said in a whisper. "He's very sleepy."
The two woman began to laugh at that, and Cora wiped her eyes shakily, her happiness tangible. "No, Anne darling, wake him up. He can sleep another time. He needs to wake up right now."
Anne chuckled then. With what took a surprising amount of effort, she moved her hand to his cheek, stroking it gently, and smiling as he began to stir.
"I'm sorry sweetheart, I must have fallen asleep." he mumbled in a husky voice that made Anne's cheeks flush, knowing both mother and her adoptive mother were in the room. He sat up then, his hair tousled, and the little blanket that was covering them fell from the bed. He then looked to both Cora and Marilla, who were openly crying, and then finally at the girl beside him. An amazed look shot onto his face, and he sprang up then, stumbling slightly as his feet hit the floor.
"Anne?" His hands came up to cup her face, his eyes filling with tears. "Anne, tell me you're alright- tell me I'm not dreaming this-" he pleaded.
She gave a weak laugh then that was like music to the people gathered around her bed. "I think the rest of you need to do the talking. What- what exactly have I missed?"
Gilbert bent over, laughing and wrapping his arms around his beloved girl, unable to hold back the joy in his voice as he held her to him tightly. "Nothing, darling. The summer was just waiting for you to begin."