Chapter 36: Bittersweet

Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight

JPOV:

We all sat together at the gate hanging around for the call to board—Rebecca and Ephraim, Bella and me. My little nephew was a veritable rubber ball, bouncing from window to window, excited to watch the planes land and take off. Eventually, nap time crept up on him, and pooped out, he fell asleep on the seat next to me. His small head rested on my shoulder, and I could hear his even breathing as he slept peacefully. He reminded me of Michel. I ran my fingers through his soft hair, wondering if that little guy in Tempe had forgotten about me after all this time.

The plane pulled onto the apron, and we were instructed to get our boarding passes ready. I pulled Ephraim toward me, lifting him gently, and lowered him into Rebecca's waiting arms. My sister was all teary-eyed again, as she gave us each a one-armed hug. She did promise to visit La Push for Christmas, and she sounded certain that it would happen. Dad and Rachel would go berserk when they hear that news.

Throughout the flight, I kept one arm around the sweetest woman in the world, and my free hand clasped tightly about hers. God, I wished I never had to let go.

We were both quiet—which was a first for me, but my heart was in chaos. All that baloney about looking forward to my homecoming was just that—baloney. Gettin' shot at and maybe buying the Iraqi farm was a thought that rattled around in my brain like a ricocheting bullet.

I wondered, what she was thinking; probably the same thing. That's what had her tongue out of commission. I didn't blame her one bit. Anything we uttered now would seem hollow at best. And if she started crying, no doubt I'd be blubbering like a baby too.

My mind was in overdrive, pondering what I had done. Was it wrong of me to marry her and possibly make her a widow in the next few weeks? Although we'd been so happy, would it be worth it in the long run? I squeezed her hand more snugly, holding onto a flesh and blood reality as long as possible.

These horrific thoughts were suddenly crowded out by the memories of the last ten days we spent together—my heart completely overriding my brain. No, they were a treasure trove of happiness. It was worth it, even if it lasted only a few precious days. Even if we only had an hour, it would've been worth every single second. I turned my head and looked at her; at the same time her head canted toward me. Our eyes locked, and silently spoke what was in our hearts. I love you—today, tomorrow and forever. You're everything to me.

She parted her lips slightly, inviting me to trespass, and I did—every opportunity I got was taken up with kissing and caressing her. I was surprised that the stewardesses didn't yell at us to cut it out. Our PDA was bordering on an R rating. If the seats were a little roomier, I'd have her on my lap, straddling me.

When the plane landed, we were both a little punchy, and we still had to retrieve our luggage and rent a car. We headed to the Fiesta Inn. I had made reservations there, since it held such fond memories for the two of us. By the time we got there, it was nearly 10 P.M., and after bringing all our luggage into the room, Bella suddenly seemed uncertain about what she expected from me, and rightly so. Our relationship had changed dramatically, and I knew she had some serious considerations about the next three days in question. The most important question being, what about Michel? She was after all, a mother wanting to see her son. Truthfully, I missed the little bugger too, but I didn't want him encroaching on our intimate time together—not just yet. I needed to be alone with my wife, and I needed her to understand that.

I'd held off speaking to her about it, but I couldn't do that any longer. She leaned back against the writing desk, looking uncomfortable. Her next comment led right into the discussion I had in mind. "Poor Michel, he must think I've abandoned him."

With that opening, I could explain my feelings and justification for leaving him with her parents for the last few days of our honeymoon. I hoped she would accept what I was about to say without any anger on her part.

I looked straight into her eyes, and bluntly put it to her. "I don't wanna share you with Mikie right now. I just can't."

It was such a relief to hear her answer. She agreed with me one hundred percent. We both relaxed at that moment and were instantly in each other's arms.

Although we tried pretending that the day would never arrive, my impending departure threw a pall over all the moments we had together. Each touch was precious; every word she uttered was emblazoned on my mind. It was a bittersweet time in my life.

While at Riazzi's on our last full day, I confessed to Bella that I had yet another, less obvious reason for rushing into marriage. I wanted to be certain that she and Michel would be entitled to my benefits if I should die in Iraq. Hooh boy, Bella came unglued, yelling, "Don't say that!" It was so loud the kitchen help probably heard it.

I still didn't regret telling her. My new bride had to be prepared in that event. I'd been lucky so far, but sometimes your luck inevitably ran out.

She bellowed at me like a drill sergeant, ordering me to come back to her.

"Yes, Ma'am," I promptly responded. I hoped with all my heart that I could carry out that order.

I was so tense that night, knowing that this could be the last time I would be able to physically love her. That worry ruined the atmosphere, and I was rendered impotent. It was a guy's worst nightmare. Here I was, maybe never to see her again, and aching to make love with her just one more time, and I couldn't. At first, our encounter was so intense, I thought the sheets would catch fire, but then it was like the spigot had just suddenly turned off. We'd been married for less than two weeks. This was our freakin' honeymoon for Pete's sake; why did this have to happen?

My face burned with humiliation; I was devastated to think I couldn't satisfy my wife. But Bella was wiser than me, and realized what the hell happened. She spelled out all the facts—I was under a weight of extreme pressure—worrying about her, my own safety, and being separated. It was no wonder I couldn't relax and do what comes naturally. Okay, I could accept that, but I still couldn't leave her hanging. It wasn't her fault. When I attempted to finish the job, and get her off, she stopped me cold, pulling my hand away from her.

I was confused, 'cuz I knew she was aroused. "Don't you wanna finish," I asked.

Her answer surprised me. "No, not unless you're going to finish with me."

Bella had said she wanted me to hold her, so I did. In fact, we clung to each other all night, 'til the wee morning hours, when I began to feel the stirrings of passion rising within me. I couldn't let this opportunity slip by us, and so, I gently slid my nose along her shoulder and neck, coaxing her to wake up. Bella was alert immediately, responding to my advances, and this time, we completed our previous unsuccessful attempt at lovin' each other.

Packing up our things was hard. Bella was all misty-eyed. I knew she was doing her damndest not to break down, but the slump in her shoulders, and the sad expression on her face left little doubt as to her feelings. I gathered up all the bags and arranged them in the trunk of the car. When I stepped foot back inside the room, I looked around memorizing it, then swept my sweetheart into my arms for another embrace. I topped it off with a kiss, and a murmured, "I love you, Bells."

She choked out, "I love you too."

With the luggage secured, I drove to Bella's home and dropped them off. There was no sense in her lugging all that unnecessary baggage all over the airport.

My heart stuttered as the airport loomed ahead of us. After the car got taken care of, I checked in my bags. That's when reality began settling as heavy as a boulder on me. I glanced at Bella; the weight of this situation was dragging her down too. Determined not to drag her down further, I smiled for all the good it did.

After getting off the moving sidewalk, I noticed a shop selling cinnamon buns. Maybe this would be one good memory of an otherwise gloomy day. The aroma from the baking oven was heavenly. "Whaddya say, Bells? Wanna cinnamon roll?"

"I can never eat a whole one," she remarked. "I don't like wasting food."

I patted my stomach. "Don't worry, you won't be wasting any of it."

Pulling out a chair from one of the tables, I let her sit while I bought each of us a roll.

Watching Bella eat a cinnamon bun was fascinating. She delicately uncoiled a piece at a time with her fingertips, and devoured it little by little. Mine was consumed in three quick bites.

"Are you sure you tasted yours," she teased.

Bella took another bite, and I got outta my chair, leaned down, and kissed her while she was still chewing. "Yeah," I sighed. "That tastes great."

We sat at gate 14, awaiting my flight. I had my arm around Bella and her hand gripped in mine. My muscles were clenched so tight, I felt like I would pop like a compressed spring at any minute. The very air we breathed was chock full of the tension between us. I didn't think our separation could hurt any worse than the last one; I was wrong. Since being so close to her, being married to her—the pain was that much stronger this time.

Both of us were too emotional to speak. What would be the point anyway? It would just bring us to tears.

It was nearly time to board, when I asked her, "You gonna be okay?"

"No," she answered quickly.

Well, I wasn't either, but for her sake, I held it together.

She asked me to kiss her. In response, I joked about people staring at us to lighten up the mood. It fell flat. The announcement to board the aircraft blared over the PA system at that moment, a jolting interruption to her appealing demand. Walking as slow as possible, we latched onto the end of the line. With my arms wound around her, I clutched her to me as close as I could, and kissed her sweet lips for the last time. The line began to shuffle toward the jet bridge, so I broke our kiss and leaned my forehead against hers, inhaling her scent and feeling her smooth skin next to mine. The line disappeared, and I couldn't stay there any longer; so finally, I stepped back, and said, "This is it, honey. I'm sorry, I have to go. I love you. I'll write just as soon as I can."

I was doin'okay ... in control, or so I thought, 'til the tears started rolling down her cheeks. "I love you, Jake. Please come back to me." That simple statement nearly brought me to my knees.

I took a deep breath, and coerced the corners of my mouth to turn up into a smile. I nodded at Bella, and said, "See you soon, Mrs. Black."

I backed up a few more steps, waved, and turned onto the bridge, and away from the love of my life.

It was almost a relief to get on the plane. I just wanted to get this over with, so I could be back in her arms again

There was a layover in New York, then on to Iraq. I fell asleep during the flight, and woke up to a nightmare—the Middle East, specifically Kuwait.

I'd forgotten how damn hot it was in this freakin' desert after being in Hawaii for two weeks. The suffocating heat enveloped me like an unwanted blanket as I changed planes. The transport set down on the landing strip at Warhorse, and I trudged wearily to my CHU. Already was there to greet me.

"So, stranger, how'd it go?"

I threw my duffle and rucksack against the wall, and held up my hand, displaying my wedding band.

Dale shoved me playfully. "Holy sh**! You mean you're married ... already?"

"Didn't wanna waste a good spot for a honeymoon."

"I gotta hand it to you, Scrapper. You didn't waste any time either."

Cocking an eyebrow, he asked, "And did everything go okay with both of you?"

"Yeah, it was perfect ... but now I'm here."

"Hey, that makes two of us. I feel your pain, buddy. I have a little baby girl at home that I haven't even seen yet. I'm just waiting for the day. Pam says she has red curly hair just like me."

"Poor kid. But it could be worse."

"What are you saying?"

"That your kid could be a boy."

Shaking his finger at me, Dale grumbled, "You are gonna pay for that, pal. I'm gonna sic Bull on you. I'd do it now, but I gotta suit up in another ten minutes, so I'll let you catch up on your sleep first."

I sunk down on the mattress, and drifted off immediately. I didn't even hear Dale as he slipped outta the CHU.