Itsuki got stepped on by a Celestial!
Walkin' home from Closed Space Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Shinjins.
But as for me and Yuki, we believe...

He'd been smokin' too much Mary-Jane!
And we'd begged him not to go.
But he'd forgot his loli-rape kit,
And he staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found him Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
He had cricket claw-marks on his forehead,
And a jumbo-sized footprint on his back~!

Itsuki got stepped on by a Celestial!
Walkin' home from Closed Space Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Shinjins.
But as for me and Yuki, we believe...

Now we're all so proud of Kyon.
Haruhi's been takin' this well, too.
See them in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and tryin' to grope poor Mikuru.

It's not Christmas without Itsuki!
Not a single molestation on a kid.
And Kyouko can't help but wonder:
Was it mean to scribble on his coffin lid?

Itsuki got stepped on by a Celestial!
Walkin' home from Closed Space Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Shinjins.
But as for me and Yuki, we believe...

At Itsuki's Funeral...

"Wow. Koizumi's really gone," Kyon muttered, hands in his jacket pockets as he watched the casket get lowered into the ground.

"Uh-huh. Sad. He was a really good second-in-command," Haruhi added, clad in her little black dress. Yuki, Mikuru, Tsuruya, Arakawa, Mori, Keiichi, Yutaka, Imouto, Miyoko, and the bespectacled boy, Four-eyes, all watched the service in a grim silence. Oddly enough, Kyouko Tachibana was there, despite being somewhat of a rival to Itsuki's group (she was mainly there out of respect- Fujiwara and Kuyou didn't wanna come on a chilly day, and funerals always made Sasaki weepy).

A long silence passed.

"...Well!" said Haruhi, clasping her hands together. "Who's up for pizza?"

"Pizza? Sweet," Kyon said, grinning.

"Hmmmm... I could eat," Mori chimed in.

"Me, too!" chirped Mikuru, while Yuki nodded.

"Pizza? Yummers, nyoro! I want extra cheese on my slice!" Tsuruya laughed.

"I'll go and warm up the limo!" cheered Arakawa, flanked by both of the Tamaru brothers as he dashed off for the car.

"Too bad Koizumi's gone," Kyouko sniffed, blowing her nose in a tissue. "To think I never got to have my final confrontation with him! Just think of the great Closed Space battle we could have had!"

"Are you even capable of direct combat? We don't even know even WITH the canon material," Yuki pointed out. They all began to walk away in a group.

"...SHUT UP! THAT'S WHY! WAAAH!" Kyouko sobbed melodramatically. Yuki wisely back away.

"Err, guys?" came the voice of Itsuki, approaching the group from the side in his school-wear. "I'm not really dead. Just woke up under several tons of snow. Had to dig my way out with my favorite bong. Good thing it didn't get smashed! And you do know that the coffin you were all in front of is filled with bricks, right? Guys?"

"Boy, will I be missing Koizumi! Best subordinate I ever had! ...Kyon, you can have all his points," Haruhi merely added as an afterthought while she examined her fingernails.

"Awesome!" said the cynic.

"But, guys, I'm alive!" Itsuki shouted once again.

Tsuruya stopped catching snowflakes with her tongue and looked over with a bored face. "Oh. Heya, Koizumi. Guys, he's actually alive and stuff."

"Hooray. More paperwork to fill out," Mori said unenthusiastically.

"KOIZUMI~!" Kyouko yelled with relish, latching herself onto her rival's left leg like a child. "Don't you ever die on me again! Only I can beat you! ME!"

"Welcome back, I guess," Haruhi followed up, shrugging her shoulders. "Wanna get some pizza with us, Koizumi?"

"Pizza? Sure thing, Miss Suzumiya!" Itsuki chuckled, before turning his gaze to Imouto, Miyoko, and Four-eyes. "But first... Heh heh heh..." He chuckled and rubbed his hands together shiftily.

"AAAAAAHHH!" all three children cried together as they fled with the esper on their tail (Kyouko had yet to release her grasp on him, too).

"...Say, whatever happened to that giant that squished him? And where did those cricket claw-marks come from?" Mikuru pondered out loud.

"Perhaps we'll never know," Kyon muttered. But if any of the gang had chosen to look up, they would have seen a most wonderful and magical sight in the sky. One full of surprise and delight.

An enormous sleigh being pulled by a giant insect wearing reindeer-antlers, being driven by a glowing giant with a bobbing red hat on his head...

"HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! ...NOW OFF TO DESTROY THE WORLD~!"

"HEY, SHINJIN, HOW LONG DO I GOTTA PULL THIS THING?"

"SHUT UP, AND KEEPING PULLING, WILLIE!"

"DAMN IT, I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME BY MY REAL NAME!"

A/N: Not the entire song if any of you noticed.

And, yes, that was Shinjin the Celestial from my other Christmas spoof. By the way, your typical loli-rape kit comes with a bag of candy, a stuffed-animal, stickers, a bottle of chloroform, and rag, and a length of rope.

Stayed tuned for the REAL Christmas special!