Chapter Thirty Six

Jasper

My task was over, for now, Bella would be safe in Forks with her Dad and the pack looking out for her, the mongrels could protect her for a few days. I didn't know what to do now, I'd watched as her plane took off from the airport and now I was alone. I made my way back to her apartment building and found my usual spot a couple of roofs over. It was odd sitting looking at the place knowing it was empty, not even the sound of her heartbeat to ease my pain.

After midnight when the last bars had closed and it was quiet I leaped across the rooftops to her building and climbed down the fire escape to her window. It was locked but the lock was old and loose and I soon gained admittance then wandered through the rooms breathing in her scent, touching the couch and trailing my hand down the counterpane on her bed. Being here soothed me as if I were with her as if she were only in the next room and would walk through the door and smile at me any second.

Nice dream Major, I thought, if she saw you she'd be more likely to run from the place screaming for help after what she'd witnessed. I picked up the book open on the bedside cabinet, Cathy and Heathcliffe, yeah that just about summed it up. Unrequited love, I could write the book. I knew I couldn't or at least shouldn't hang around here but I didn't know where else to go.

I looked around for my jacket, I had been really annoyed when I heard of Peter's late night visit to return it not that I had wanted it back, but it wasn't there and I guessed she'd been pretty puzzled at its reappearance and then packed it away somewhere.

As I stood, the book still in my hand, my phone rang and taking it from my pocket I saw it was Peter. The message was simple,

"Stop fucking moping and do something about it".

I smiled wryly, yeah that was easily said not even wondering how he knew what I was doing, Peter could be perceptive at times, usually the most awkward times at that.

What I saw ahead for Bella was an uncomplicated, wonderful human life with no supernatural dangers to threaten her happiness. She would meet a human and fall in love, get married, and have a family. That was how it should be, what she deserved, a full happy human life watching her children grow up and doing all the things that humans did with a man who loved her. The fact that this would crucify me wasn't important, she deserved so much more than I could ever offer her and I would do all I could to ensure she remained safe to get the future she deserved so why did the thought of it hurt so much? I needed to get away too.

Charlotte

I wasn't surprised to see The Major standing on our porch when I opened the door but I was disappointed he was alone.

"Is Peter around?"

He looked depressed and I shook my head concerned for him,

"No, our friend in Michigan is building a new house and Peter offered to help. Why Major? If you need someone to talk to I'm a good listener".

He looked at me for a long time before nodding and sitting on the porch steps where I joined him.

"What's up?"

He sighed,

"I don't know what to do Char".

His head drooped wearily and I put my arm around him.

"Are you asking me for suggestions, or do you just want to ramble on?" He shrugged,

"It makes no difference really. I know what you'll tell me but I can't do it, Char. It wouldn't be right... I'm not right. If I thought for one minute I could...if things were different...if I weren't what I am...well, maybe things could be...oh fuck I don't know and it's driving me mad. When she's near I can think and act and function but when she's gone it's as if someone has pulled the rug out from under me. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to carry on...why Char...why did it have to be her? Why couldn't things have been different? I'm so screwed up I can't even string a coherent fucking sentence together."

I smiled and pulled him closer.

"Major you have to make a decision. Leave her, go away and forget all about Bella Swan, or face her and tell her how you feel".

He looked at me eyes wide with shock,

"Are you crazy? I can't go, I can't bear to be away from her, but I can't mix her up in my, in our, world Char. It was bad enough when she was with Edward, and his life was tame compared to mine. I just can't...you know what I am Char...what do I have to offer her?...how can I ask her to...fuck!",

He stood and kicked one of the porch steps to match wood in his frustration then held his head between clenched fists.

I waited until he calmed before going on,

"Major, I've never seen you like this before. You have to do something, you can't go on like this".

He dropped his fists and looked at the damage.

"Sorry. Charlotte, I'll mend that".

I took his arm,

"Never mind about the step, I'm more concerned about mending you".

"I'm not broken".

Oh yes I thought, you are, Alice Cullen broke you and you don't know how to fix yourself but I kept quiet and just shrugged

"Come in and sit down. Maybe you could play the guitar for me. You haven't done that in a long while".

He looked down at his hands,

"No, I haven't done anything constructive in a long while Charlotte."

Jasper

I didn't know why I'd come here but I found Charlotte's company soothing to my troubled mind. Things had gone to hell in a handcart since I attacked Bella at her party. When we were in Phoenix I'd been drawn to her but she had been Edward's girlfriend and off limits then later after the party when they all left I just couldn't do it. I wasn't prepared to leave her swinging in the wind but the more I watched her the deeper my feelings for her became until one day I realized it was too late, I was in love with Bella.

I couldn't tell her but I couldn't just leave her either, in short, I was doomed, all I could do was to watch over her, never speak to her, never touch her and certainly never spend time with her. I was unworthy of her and that hurt, I'd never really looked at myself critically until now and what I saw wasn't pretty. How could I expect someone like Bella to see beyond the monster to the lonely man trapped inside? As I sat and strummed a tune for Charlotte on my old guitar that she had kept safe for me these were the thoughts that kept whizzing around in my head.

Charlotte

I felt for The Major, he never saw any of the good in himself, only in others. When I looked at him I saw a friend, a man who would go to any lengths to help someone he cared for, a kind man, a good man, but when he looked in the mirror he only saw the soldier, the killer, the monster that Maria had created.

I watched as he played without thinking about it, he was miles away, with the woman he loved but thought he was unworthy of.

"Major"

He stopped playing and looked up at me,

"Yes."

I took the guitar from him and put my arms on his shoulders, he tensed as usual but I ignored it. That was always his first response to any kind of physical contact.

"Major, you can't go on like this, it will send you mad in the end. I know you don't feel worthy of her but you've got to give it a shot. If she runs screaming then you can come back here and say I told you so, but you have to try."

I held on as he struggled to make a decision,

"It's your future too and maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way you do. Just try Major, please, just try."

Jasper

I knew Charlotte was trying to help but I was even more confused now. What should I do? The same question spun around and around in my head as I drove back from their place to wait for Bella to return from Forks. Then I started to worry, what if she didn't come back? What if she decided to stay with Charlie? What if she found someone up there and never came back? I had to pull over before I wrecked my truck, Charlotte was right, I couldn't go on like this any longer, I had to make up my mind one way or the other. I couldn't sit on this knife edge much longer before I fell and what frightened me most was that if I did I wasn't sure I'd ever stop falling.