Disclaimer: Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
Title: Gray-colored Happiness
Chapter: 36 of 42
Chapter 36
The knock on my bedroom door is firm but not demanding.
It is the first I've heard from my roommate since I stormed in and slammed the door behind me. It isn't much, but this little room with the nondescript bed and dresser and lamp is the only place I can truly call my own.
But it's not a sanctuary.
I lie down and curl towards the wall my bed is pushed up against.
The knocking continues, but I easily ignore it.
/Very good, my pet. Very good./
I scowl. If he were really becoming a part of me like he should, he wouldn't be using those annoying endearments anymore. Still, it's creepy either way.
/Tch-tch-tch. Don't be such a child. Are you an Uchiha or not?/
After what I estimate to be fifteen minutes, Kakashi gives up and sulks away.
/Much better. Your brother would be proud of your resolve./
'Don't be vulgar.'
I curl up smaller on the bed. Itachi. Why now? Why bring him up now? After all I have done to move on, I thought his ghost was behind me.
/But you haven't moved on. You can't./
I don't have time for this. I don't need anyone and I don't care.
/Such a silly boy./
Itachi got what he deserved.
/So true, so true. Best you remind yourself of that./
But angry as I am, Naruto, of all the people in this godforsaken world, doesn't deserve any of it.
In truth, I'm not even sure of Itachi anymore.
I sit up on the bed, bending one knee and wrapping my arms around it. I shouldn't be worrying about my brother anymore. He's dead and buried or gone at any rate and I can't do anything more about it.
But Naruto . . .
I rest my chin on my knee and look over at my closed closet door.
If he hadn't been such a jerk, I wouldn't feel so useless.
I reach behind me, grab my pillow and pitch it at the door. It makes contact with a supremely unsatisfying "poof".
He chased after me for three years, but I guess that means nothing. Just as I chase after Itachi for nearly eight and that meant nothing too.
It's unfair that after vengeance is achieved, all that is left is emptiness.
But I don't want to think about my brother anymore.
I flop back down on the bed, weary and overwrought and facing the black wall.
Then, because I am human and I must, I fall asleep.
And then the dreams come, as they too must.
o.o.o
\+\ At first I am alone, walking through a forest, dark and unfamiliar. It is completely, eerily, quiet, free even of the tiniest sound. When I look up, small patches of light break through the trees and when I look down, I can see their reflections shining crookedly over the forest floor. But I am completely in the darkness. Even when I place my foot directly under a shaft of light, it remains dark as if I myself negate the sunlight.
As I continue on, the forest becomes more tangled, with vines reaching up and down, connecting branches to ground and tree trunk until it forms an intricate spider web design. All except for the path I tread, which remains oddly unobstructed.
I sense a presence behind me, but when I look, no one is there. Only the spider web closing in, leaving no escape but forward.
And I know it is he, my omnipresent guest, now trailing me into my dreams.
I continue on until I come to a clearing. It's unremarkable, but bright and clear and when I step into its sunlight, sound returns. I can hear the birds high up in the trees, swooping and singing in the clear blue sky.
There is a figure sitting on a rock, waiting as though he is a wise man offering counsel to wayward travelers.
Itachi turns to me with a smile I have seen only twice before. Once when I was very young he smiled at me like that. I can't remember the circumstances or the reason why. But the smile I remember.
The only other time I saw it was when he died.
He greets me. "Hello otouto."
I have nothing to say.
There is blood in his smile, trickling over his chin and seeping from the gaping hole in his chest. He's smiling and he's bleeding and he wants to remind me of what I have done.
"I had to, you know," he tells me.
Only I know nothing of the kind.
"Yes you do," he says.
Am I just supposed to believe him just because he says so?
"Of course."
Because you would never lie to me, would you big brother?
He tilts his head and his grin turns lenient. "I lied all the time," he says. "Every time I called you weak or unimportant. Every time I told you I didn't care. I lied all the time."
Then how am I to believe anything?
"You've seen the shrine. You know what they could do, what they did do. You've met the elders. You remember father. Is it so hard to believe?"
But not mother. Mother would have never condoned such a thing.
"But she did. She knew. She had to have known."
A bird swoops down in front of me nearly taking out my eye.
"Don't be obtuse, dear little brother."
I look at him.
"They captured it, they released it; they are practically related to it. Just like me. And you. So I had to. I'm loyal. What choice did I have?"
His smile never falters and becomes not so much affection, but disturbing the longer it stays in place.
"What about you, my dear brother? Have you been loyal?"
I blink and don't answer.
"You kill me for him and yet you are not by his side?"
That's not true.
"It is. It was for him. I saw it in your eyes, always so easy to understand. It was not revenge or mother or father. It was for him."
It wasn't.
"Will you ever accept it?"
I don't need to accept what isn't true.
Then there's a great gust of wind and the scene before me is swept away like sand in a storm. And I know it is he; that damned snake sannin trying to take control. For now I let him.
I am done here.
The scene reassembles itself completely into the mouth of a cave looking out over the Land of Fire.
A man enters, dressed in purple and black, his long hair pulled high up on his head.
"How many?" I say. Or rather, the man whose body I inhabit says. His voice is familiar, but altered. Through him, I can hear and see and smell, but that is all.
"Fourteen, my lord," the other man says with a slight bow.
The man I'm in nods. "And are they ready?"
"They're eager, that's true enough." The man reports hesitantly. "But unfortunately not yet fully trained." He eyes us warily and adds, "They're very young. Only a couple of the older soldiers returned."
"Any especially gifted among them?"
"Not that we have seen, sir."
We stand and venture to the entrance of the cave. Looking down, we see pockets of ninja training in the breaks of the woods. There is seriousness in the air, a pitch of anticipation.
This is not some random grouping or an established country.
This is Sound. I recognize the rhythm and cadence of the movements. This is an army training for battle.
"When do we move out, sir?" The man in purple and black turns to us.
"Soon," we say as one. "I only wish it could be now, while the Kyuubi is still in chains." We look back to the man in purple and black again and nod. "That is all."
The nameless ninja takes a quick bow and leaves with a, "Yes, Kabuto-sama."
We retreat back into the silent solitude of the cave.
"Just wait, Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto says into the nothingness. All alone, his voice echoes strange and gravelly in the hollowness of the cave. "I'll do as you wish. I'll carry out your revenge and raze Konoha to the ground. They've grown fat in their complacency, snobbish in their exclusions. They think they are untouchable!" He laughs and it sounds so much like Orochimaru. "But they are very much touchable. They are nothing." His voice is pitching higher, speaking faster, the depth of the insanity Karin spoke of beginning to manifest itself. He looks down at his hands, one human and one gnarled and clawed like a monster's. Just like Orochimaru once. "I will seek out my own purpose, my lord. I will punish the scum of Konoha and rebuild Sound mightier than it was before!" He slams his hands to the wall of the cave, breathing quick and heavy. "We'll take all of the lands, you and I, Orochimaru-sama, and show them true power. We will be God!"
He begins to laugh. Slow at first, a quiet cackle, but quickly growing in momentum. It is high and screeching, the laugh of madness.
This is no dream.
And Konoha is really in danger.
There is a press against my mind. Orochimaru is attempting to speak, to make contact with his maniacal minion. But I bind him back. I will not allow it. I am in charge here.
But it is not easy.
The old snake knew to come here. He knew how to do it and take control, if temporarily, of my unconscious mind.
"Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto pleads to the air. "Why won't you speak? It has been long since I heard from you."
Our fingers scrape along the stone and start to bleed red and black. This stink of decay enters my nose. Kabuto's mind is a whirling stew of emotions, fear and anger and loneliness and loss.
"Do not abandon me now!"
With a forceful jerk, I pull myself out of there.\+\
I awake in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. My left arm has become prickly and numb and I have to shake it a few times to get feeling back.
How long has Orochimaru been making contact with Kabuto this way? Mad as Kabuto was, that enough was clear.
I scowl up at the bare textured whiteness. Itachi, Orochimaru, Kabuto . . it's always something.
I spend the remainder of the night restless, unable to sleep with the anger over the knowledge that once again I'm being exploited for someone else's means.
This time around Kakashi just raps a couple times and opens the door uninvited. He peeks his head inside.
I should have locked that thing.
I sit up and scowl angrily at the closet door. Stupid door.
"So," Kakashi says, letting in the light from the hall and entering without permission. "How are you this fine morning?"
I rest my cheek on my knee so that I face the window, away from him.
Kakashi strides forward and yanks open the curtains to momentarily blind me.
"Tsunade-Hokage-sama would never let them execute Naruto." He says as though I asked.
"What can she do?" I grumble, my voice half swallowed by my shoulder.
"You'd be surprised. Besides, a lot of people have petitioned the council on his behalf. Didn't know that, did you," he says with a smile in his voice. "Naruto has a lot of friends."
As I have not. Kakashi means to be reassuring, but I feel a twinge of resentment and jealousy. Who was there when I needed them?
So few. So very few. Sometimes, when I was a child, none at all.
/Always left alone. That is why we can only rely on ourselves./
"So?" I snap. "The council wants him dead."
"Perhaps," Kakashi acknowledges, unconvinced. "But most who have spoken up are shinobi. And like it or not, the council knows that without the support of the shinobi, Konoha is doomed. They're not so blind as you think. They'll come around. Not because they want to, but because they'll have to."
There's some validity to this. But the council's bitterness runs deep and they're not exactly know for their intelligence.
"I take it your impromptu meeting with Naruto didn't go as you planned?"
The sky outside is annoyingly blue.
"He doesn't want to be friends," I say simply as if it is no concern of mine.
"And you expected him to simply forgive you?" Old One-eye sighs heavily behind me. "You hurt him, Sasuke. You have no right to expect him to simply forgive you. And you just stormed out, didn't you?" He doesn't wait for a response. "You just let your anger get the better or you, deciding on your own what his words meant and left. You didn't even give him a chance to explain."
"What's to explain?"
"All right then." Kakashi begins, oddly putting up no argument. "Say he does want nothing to do with you. Say he does want to cut you out of his life, chop, done." I glower at my reflection in the glass and it glowers right back. "Don't you think he has a right to that?" I scowl until it hurts, trying to break the glass. "But the real question is, are you going to accept that?"
I study my image in the window, with the yellow snake irises, the scars like tick marks counting off the years in my arms and that cut over my eye that makes it look lazy and sinister.
How much have I "accepted" already?
/More than your fair share, certainly. Too much./
Kakashi walks closer and sets his hand on my shoulder in a fatherly manner. We look at each other in the reflection of the window, the blue sky far beyond.
"The real issue here is," he starts and grips my shoulder a little. His hand is warm through my shirt. "What are you going to do about it?"
o.o.o
I can be patient.
Really I can.
But I have none to spare for the infuriating council whose anteroom I'm currently standing in.
The door and several elite guards bar my way, but I know those elders are in there, alone and biding their time, making me sweat and hoping I'll give up.
Well, I'm not going to.
Instead, I take this time to assess the fighting capabilities of the guards stationed around the room. Two stand on either side of the council door and the other two press solidly into the corners of the wall behind me. They're of course among the elite and practically spoiling for a fight. Their nerves curl into knots, coils ready to spring out at a moment's notice. Still, I think I could take them. One good chidori nagashi and they'd be taken down a peg or two. They might have some special abilities I don't know about, but I'm not worried. I'm better than most ninja in the whole of Konohagakure, let alone these four.
/Yes dear, of course. And wouldn't it be fun to teach these arrogant upstarts just whom they are dealing with. But you forget your seals./
I clench my hands so that my short nails dig into the centers of the bull's eye marks.
'I forget nothing.'
There are always the seals to consider.
I wonder if I could activate the curse seal instead. That might give them pause. If it worked. I haven't tried since Itachi.
/Oh, yes, let's! And after that we can take down the council!/
Despite the insanity of Orochimaru's reaction, I'm thinking about it. I try to feel out the seams of the curse seal. It creeps and crawls, sort of like snakes under my skin, which is unpleasant. But it makes it relatively easy to find.
/Fun, fun, fun!/
Just as I'm about to test it, the wrinkly old hag steps out from behind the door. Her eyes are hidden beneath the many folds of gray skin, but I can see the grimace. She looks like nothing more than an unpleasant troll, the kind that lurks under bridges and demands unwarranted tolls.
"So," she says tartly. "You're still here."
Her lips, if possible, pull thinner. "We have heard quite enough about Uzumaki already. You've wasted your time."
Now she's simply irritating me. She thinks she's so high and mighty.
"You're not going to kill him," I inform her placidly.
Her hands pull to the front and she grasps them together threateningly. "You are treading on dangerous ground, Uchiha."
"Maybe it's you who are," I say boldly because, seriously, what more can they threaten me with? There comes a point when no greater threats can be made. We've hit an impasse. "Naruto has a lot of friends. Mostly ninja. What do you think will happen if you execute him?"
The guards all straighten to high alert as if their backs were not boards already.
"Are you threatening me, boy?"
/No, not yet./
"Just making an observation."
"You had best think longer before making any more 'observations'. Good day."
She begins to back away to her inner sanctum, shutting me out forever. But I can't allow that. I have to do something. I have to be the one to save him.
/Useless old witch. Just wait. One day I will have my revenge./
'Oh, just be quiet. Let me think.'
Her craggy gray fingers close on the handle. She's pushing the door open.
/I have followers still. Stupid woman. They will come. They will show you what happens when you deny me./
And then, of course, obvious as it is, it hits me.
"I can help you." I offer cryptically
She turns slowly and raises a skeptical eyebrow. "You? What can you do?"
I'd like to shoot back that I can do a whole lot more than an annoying hag on death's door but as that won't help, I bite the retort back. "Sound hasn't yet been defeated." I say this casually as though it's insignificant. "They're rebuilding."
Her gluey eyes narrow in suspicion. "None of our spies have reported news of any such thing." Funny that she would simply reveal that to me. The old wrinkled lips purse. "The only way you would know would be if you were still in contact with them."
That's scarcely the only way. "I've had visions."
"Visions," she scoffs. "And now you are claiming to be a psychic?"
"No." I measure my next words very carefully so as not to lie but not exactly tell the truth either. I don't want to offer any ammunition she doesn't already possess. "There were certain jutsus in Sound. They allow me to tap into Kabuto's mind."
She reels on me then, as much as someone of her extremely advanced age can without falling over and accuses, "You are in collusion with them!"
What an idiot. "It wasn't by my choice."
Her expression turns doubtful, but also attentive. "What kind of jutsus are these?"
I have to think fast. "Communication style," I lie smoothly. "For keeping in contact over long distances." It sounds reasonable enough.
She lifts her chin haughtily. "I have not heard of these."
"New techniques are being created all the time." Stupid to point this out; she should be well aware of this fact. "Sound country specialized in sound based jutsus."
/Hence the name "Sound"./
She's slowly beginning to appreciate my information. "Say all this is true," she concedes reluctantly. "How does this help us?"
"Kabuto isn't aware I can see into his head." But I must correct myself. "Actually, it's more like I'm in him and can see and hear what he does."
"Then you will tell us." She folds her arms, tucking her hands in her sleeves like she is some breed of royalty.
I shake my head. "Why should I just hand over this information?"
"You are not in a position to withhold anything, Uchiha." She thins her already thin eyes. "We can force this information from you if necessary."
/Konoha. No better than the rest, worst than most./
I shrug complacently. "I have experienced your methods of 'extracting information' before, if you will recall." I look her right in the eye. "I imagine it would be less effective this time." It wasn't as effective last time, either. I never did reveal Naruto's choice and I never will. That is one promise I intend to keep.
"We shall see about that." She snaps her fingers and two of the ANBU encroach on me like well-trained dogs.
"I'll make you a deal." I show no sign of fear or concern. The ANBU stop and the prehistoric woman says nothing, so I continue. "I'll give you the information I have and try to discover anything further, if you will release Naruto."
The woman laughs the rippling cackle of a witch. "Why would I agree to such a thing? The Uzumaki boy is a danger to this village and needs to be put down. And we will take the information from you with your cooperation or not."
/Snap her neck. Break it clean off./
I ought to snap her fat neck for that. Break her head clean off and set it on a spike at the town gates for everyone to see. That's an extreme thought, straight form the parasite, but I can't say I disagree.
But my voice is level when I say, "You have a choice: take the life of a ninja beloved by many, who has saved this village numerous times and lose the support of the shinobi or set him free and get information to help battle an enemy that is practically on your doorstep."
I sound calmer than I actually feel.
Her face turns especially harsh and I know this is it. This is the moment that I will find out whether my gamble will pay off or not.
o.o.o
My cell stinks of urine.
She called me on my threat, but she'll find out soon enough it was no bluff. We shall wait and see how long it takes her to smarten up.
I honestly can't be sure if I was assigned to this particular cell out of cruelty or kindness, but it strikes me as being both. It's catty corner from Naruto's and if I peer out the bars, I can get a perfectly framed view of him, if he allows it.
Right now, he's crouching like an animal at the edge of the bars and glaring at me.
I sit with my arms and legs crossed, my back ramrod straight, and stare back.
"What are you doing here?" He growls as if it's a personal affront to him that I'm here, like I've done so just to annoy him.
"Sitting," I answer snidely. "You?"
"I mean," I can practically see the hackles rising on the back of his neck, "How did you get yourself thrown in jail?"
I blink once, slowly and keep my own counsel.
"Well?" He asks. But when I still don't answer, he looks away and grumbles, "Fine, be that way."
I watch him for a little bit. This is getting me nowhere. "I tried to make a deal with the elders."
His interest is peaked though he tries to conceal it. "For what?"
My humiliation pretty much reached its summit the instant I was manhandled in here, so the truth can't do any more damage. "Your life."
Naruto's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. "You tried to make . . a bargain . . for my life . . and ended up here?" He huffs curiously. Then, inexplicably, his mouth begins to widen in a grin. Not a happy one, it's too malicious for that. Instead, he sits sneering at me for a while before bursting into laughter. It's more like a snicker at first, hissing and harsh and offensive, but it eventually turns into his usual, full-bellied laugh.
I scowl at him.
It's not funny.
/Your imprisonment is a joke, I suppose./
"It's not funny," I scold him when he won't stop.
Although all things considered, I guess that isn't so bad.
His laughing finally ceases. "Sure it is." Then he stands up and walks deeper into the cell and out of my sight.
I don't see him again until a couple hours later when they finally decide to serve us dinner. It is some sort of fake stew. I say "fake" because I normally think of stew as having something other than broth and a few pathetic bobbing bits of meat. No wonder Naruto savored that cake like he did.
I look over to the other cell and see Naruto plunk his bowl down with disdain. He's probably thinking about ramen and how far this is from it.
/You have no idea what he's thinking./
That's true enough.
I look from him to my bowl and back again and listen to the uncomfortable silence. "I'm still waiting." I say. He won't start the conversation so in a one-time show of humility, I will.
"Why should I talk to you," he snarls.
I'm not sure what that inflection in his voice means. "Do you have something better to do?"
"I'm sure there's something." He looks longingly up to the ceiling as though he hopes it will crash down on him for just a little change.
/A boy like this is no help to us at all./
"So, are you going to tell me what happened or not?" I ask acidly.
"No. I already did." He scrunches his nose at the ceiling in disgust. "What's it to you anyway?"
"Tell me."
/What is it to us but nothing?/
He scowls and sighs heavily but says, "Kyuubi got out, destroyed a big part of a village. Got caught. Now I'm here. The end."
He's playing hostilely, but he is playing. "Did any villagers get hurt?"
"Nope. Not by me. Not really. Some minor stuff I guess."
"Then what are you so upset about?" I am past frustration now. Any fool could see there's more to this. And I'm no fool.
His eyebrows meet in the middle. "Kiba and Shino evacuated most of them before I attacked," he says as if I never spoke.
"Kyuubi attacked."
/Splitting hairs./
"Whatever."
So now he's going to play that card again, the lackadaisical, what-do-I-care-if-I-die and Kyuubi-and-I-are-the-same card. It's a complicated card. And bullshit. "What stopped you?" I ask.
There's a hidden reminder there of the last time this happened and how even in his ferocious blood rage he recognized me and calmed back to his normal self.
He gives no sign of recognition as he says, "They had to send Yamato."
So that is meant to be another example of how unnecessary I am to him.
/Perhaps accepting that fact would be best./
"And you blame me." I try to make it a flat statement, but the bitterness can't help but seep through.
He suddenly comes back to himself, remembers he doesn't want to speak to me, and shoots a resentful expression in my direction before getting up and heading back into the cells' shadows.
o.o.o
I am left to my own thoughts until sometime in the middle of the night. We should be asleep but hoe anyone could sleep here is a mystery to me, so I remain awake. I don't even use the dirty slab they have the audacity to call a bed. Instead I lie on the floor and stare at the blank black cell wall with the crack crammed up near the seam of the ceiling. There is nothing to look at and nothing to do but stare at the wall and listen to my unwelcome companion.
/So. You think this is an improvement to your situation? Threatening the elders? While the sentiment has merit, first let us point out that being thrown into jail improves no one's situation./
I roll onto my back and look at the blackness, this time in the form of the ceiling, unsurprisingly the same.
/Secondly, you betrayed everyone you were sworn to. Hardly makes for a trustworthy informant./
'Speaking of informants, you're the one that got me in this predicament to begin with. If not for your meddling, they would have no reason to throw me in here.'
/They need a reason now, do they?/
I roll back to my side to check if the view has changed, but of course it hasn't.
Orochimaru is blissfully unconcerned.
/And most of all, what makes you think I would collaborate with you to bring down my most loyal of followers? They will come, my pet. To free me and exact my revenge. Oh, they will come and you can't stop it./
'We're doomed to become one, remember. I'll be able to enter Kabuto's body whenever I want, just as you could, and gather whatever information I can.'
/So much confidence for a failed experiment./
Mentally I shrug.
/Hah! You are too weak. Always too weak. Try it, my dear. I welcome the entertainment of your attempt to subjugate me./
'You're nothing but a web of memories. I think I can handle it.'
/And yet you haven't thus far./
I scowl at the black wall.
/And for what purpose, anyway? To be their loyal dog? For what possible reason?/
The wall accuses me silently.
/Oh, that's right. The fox. But oh! The fox has rejected you now. He has chosen the dark dampness of a cell over you. Think about that. The girl has not come to see you either. No one has. So tell me, my pet, what purpose would you serve?/
I place my hands under my head and curl up tighter. I do not easily admit defeat. If that were the case, I would have given up long ago. The loss of what I once had: family, friends, Itachi, Sakura, Naruto, seeps into my cold heart at times like this. It would consume me if I let it. But I won't.
"I don't blame you."
Naruto's voice is quiet and distant, echoing softly off the walls until it finally reaches my ears. It doesn't sound real and for a moment I wonder if I've fallen asleep.
"I was confused, after you said . . . I was all twisted up. Like everything got turned on its head and what I thought was real wasn't. But I guess, I guess I was just being an usuratonkachi again, right?" He snorts sourly and I realize he's talking to himself. He has no idea that I'm awake so I keep my mouth shut. This may be the only time he'll say such things. "Yeah. Right. Sakura. It was always supposed to be Sakura, I guess. She had that crush on you and I thought you didn't care, but maybe I was wrong. No. I was wrong. Sakura."
He heaves a breath after which there's a long silence. There are no night sounds here, no birds or crickets, no frogs or the faint footfall of people hurrying through the darkness. We're too deep into the earth for anything but silence.
"It wasn't supposed to be anything dangerous. Just a lord without much skill trying to take control of a town. All we had to do was prevent it. Simple, right?" He pauses and I'm careful not to make a sound. He's finally telling me what I wanted to know and I won't risk that changing.
/None of this is of any possible importance. It is all so very senseless./
"But he was there, with his soldiers, in the middle of the Town Square, torturing, killing innocent people, kids even, as a warning to the rest. People that I guess got missed in the roundup. If we'd just checked again . . ." The anguish is rising in his voice, slow like a softly rolling boil. "And it made me so mad. No one should get hurt because of my mistake. I was still upset about you, and Sakura, and how nothing ever seems to go just my way, and it wasn't your fault, but I couldn't think straight. Everything just tumbled. And I lost it.
"See, I lied when I said I didn't hurt anyone. I was responsible for those people. And I killed that lord and his men. Destroyed half the village at least, before Yamato found me." He pauses meaningfully. "But those men deserved it, right?"
He laughs dryly.
"Yeah, sure, that's right. Their lives didn't matter," he says with bitterness directed at himself. He shifts his position, stands up I think, and walks to the far end of the cell, muffling his voice.
"See, it's not your fault. But it also kind of is."
He grumbles and I hear the shuffle of feet, a dull thud of a foot hitting a wall.
"Stupid," he derides himself. "He doesn't deserve it."
I don't know what it is I don't deserve. Blame?
Or forgiveness?
Because I know, that's what I have to ask for.
But I can never ask for it.
I don't suppose I do deserve it.
/What nonsense. Whether the fox forgives you or not, who cares?/
I look up to the tiny crack by the ceiling, so small and insignificant.
'I do.'
And I realize with a shock just how much I do.
/Hmph. Utter nonsense./
I listen carefully, but there are no further sounds from the cell down the corridor. Only the soft quiet of even breathing. He has fallen asleep, just like that.
I wonder how he'll be in the morning.
o.o.o
I'm awake before he is, but then I have always been an earlier riser, even when we were on Team 7. At least that much hasn't changed.
I rise and stretch out my muscles, which are exceptionally stiff from sleeping on a stone floor.
There are only a few moments for me to decide what I should do. I know now that as angry as he is, Naruto does not entirely hate me.
It's not much, but it's more than I knew yesterday.
It's everything.
/Everything to what? What exactly do you think changes now?/
A worker enters though a hidden door, holding a tray with two bowls and choruses "Breakfast!"
I'm sure it will be as delicious as dinner was. Naruto stirs and mumbles sleepily. This is followed by a loud thump and a groan, which I assume is Naruto rolling off his bed and landing on the floor.
Something is tossed to me that looks like gruel and tastes like paste. I push myself up to the very limit of the bars and crane my head for a glimpse of Naruto, but he pulls his bowl back and keeps himself where I can't see.
/Such a shame. Needless little foxes should not be worried over. After the stunt you pulled, you'll be lucky if the elders ever let you free./
We pass our breakfast in silence with only the noises of silver spoons against stone bowls. These bowls must have been here for decades. I wonder how many people have used them.
And how well they are cleaned.
I drop my spoon back in and decide I'm no longer hungry.
The nameless man returns not much later to retrieve our dishes.
My eyes flick again to Naruto's cell and now I can see the tip of his foot pressing against the bars, his toes peeking up under the sandal strap.
/Fascinating. Actually, a bit pathetic./
"I'm not with Sakura," I call out over the hallway.
There's a long delay before Naruto replies flatly, "That's nice."
Honestly, I am surprised he even answered. I consider it a success, so I go on.
"I don't want her," I say.
/Is this supposed to help anything?/
"Oh. Well," Naruto muses snidely. "You don't want her, you don't want me. I guess you just don't want anybody." He huffs derisively. "Well, congratulations. You got your wish."
My lips twist even tighter. "It was a mistake," I snarl. "Sakura. It just sort of happened."
"Some mistake," Naruto snorts. "Things like that don't 'just sort of happen'."
"It did," I growl, trying not to yell. "It's only because you were gone so long and we thought . . ." I stop. He'll never understand what I can't explain. "What do you want from me?"
"I don't want anything from you."
/See now? Simple enough./
"You don't understand," I sigh.
"What's to understand?" He grunts. "I tell you I love you and you sleep with Sakura. Seems pretty simple to me."
"Yeah. Right." Apparently nothing I say will make the least bit of difference. And he's trying to make it sound as if all the blame falls on me. He wouldn't have if I hadn't? Well, I wouldn't have if he hadn't . . . "As if I'm supposed to believe you."
"What're you talking about?" He asks crossly, but blatantly confused.
"That day, remember? When the very idea of me made you sick." I remind him pointedly. "That afternoon with the shirt, when you were all weepy about the lady and the girl?" Yes, I am being mean.
/That is the point./
His face comes into view, flushed up pink with indignation, but he passes over my snide comment. "And I told you about that." He makes a somewhat sour face. "It's not normal. It's not me."
"Then you have no damn business being upset with me," I grind out.
"I sure as hell do!"
"Says who?" I shoot back. "You claim to 'love me'," I complain, the words tripping awkwardly off my tongue, "But you made it perfectly clear you don't want me."
/Never did./
"I didn't say that," he snaps. "It's not like I expected any of this." He looks from side to side nervously as if suspecting someone will leap out and attack him. "What," he quips, disbelieving, "It doesn't bother you?"
"No," I answer honestly. "It doesn't bother me one way or the other."
He blinks at me wide-eyed then scoffs. "Uh-huh. Like you were so sure that day."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
He blinks, unsure whether to be angry or confused. "You still have no idea, do you?" He stares at me incredulously for a moment then glares. "But I guess I shouldn't have worried. You already look and act like a girl. Sasuke-chan."
And I am on my feet, slamming the palms of my hands against the bars. "Say that again and they won't need a trial!"
Naruto chuckles, completely devoid of mirth. "Yeah? What're you going to do about it?" He tilts his head back and looks around. Slowly, he rolls his head back toward me and levels a strange blank stare. "It doesn't matter anyway," he continues. "It's over."
I grip the bars and don't know what to say. If I could right now, I'd beat Naruto to a bloody pulp. As it is, I have to settle for gripping the metal until my bones hurt.
"Talk about simple," I manage to spit out. "One mistake and everything changes."
"That's right!" Naruto yells across the expanse of the stone floor. "And stop making it sound like you forgot to pick up milk on the way home! You slept with Sakura, after I told you, after I thought . . " he trails off, unable to find the words. When his eyes lift to meet mine they are a color I have never seen before, iridescent and dark, like the ripple of water under moonlight. "You made me believe you wanted me too."
And it is hypnotizing, that look of hate and loss and desperation and it makes my mouth go dry.
/Enough of this./
I grasp the bars tighter and clench my teeth. "You don't even know what's going on."
"Oh, I think I do."
But of course he doesn't. He doesn't at all. There are too many things he doesn't know, too many things I won't tell him.
/What is the point in trying?/
Naruto is glowering at me with all his spite and disappointment from his undeserved high horse and it's intoxicating. He sits on the floor, his fists clenching, his chest heaving with deep breaths, pretending he doesn't want to rip out my throat.
Tauntingly, I curl my lip and bare my throat.
Naruto's gaze sharpens and his fingers dig into the floor like claws. His irises begin to waver, indigo to azure to violet. His anger is truly surfacing now. But the Kyuubi is contained and Naruto remains himself.
"You want to, don't you," I tease.
Naruto just shows his teeth and growls.
I tilt my head back a little farther, exposing more of my neck. "Go ahead. Rip out my throat."
He leaps up and is in the nearest corner of the cell before I can blink. "Don't tempt me," he snarls.
And I let my smirk grow. "Go ahead, let's see it, dobe."
With one hand gripping a bar, he stretches the other toward me as if he could really reach that far. After a moment or two, when he comes to the conclusion that his arm is not in fact made of rubber and cannot reach me, he gives up and instead yanks on the bars with both hands and actually manages to rattle them.
"C'mon! You want to fight? Any day, pretty boy!" He jerks the bars again and it makes a hard, echoing metallic clatter.
"Let's see you try." Anything. As long as he's paying attention to me.
/Oh, yes. This is good. Good, good, good. Cut, snap, slice, rip./
"Please! What do you think you can do? I've beaten you before, I'll beat you again!" He's given up the futility of shaking the bars and resorts to just yelling. "You've never been able to see sense unless it's beaten into you."
As we are exchanging essentially empty threats, Kuma calmly strolls down the corridor. Both Naruto and I peter off our threats pathetically as we watch his progression. Kuma finally stops in front of my cell with a big ring of keys dangling enticingly from his finger.
He grins at me.
"Uchiha Sasuke, you have been released and are free to go."
My eyes go wide a millisecond before returning to normal. Out of the corner of my eye I see Naruto blink stupidly.
I've only spent a day here.
Kuma leans down and unlocks my door.
"What about Naruto?" I ask.
Suddenly everything shifts. Seconds ago we were ready to pummel each other into the dirt and now my heart lurches with worry.
But Naruto scowls. "What do you care?"
Kuma swings my door open. "It's not yet decided."
For a minute I stand inside the cell, freedom beckoning me as I stare at Naruto on the other side, his hands gripping the bars and looking almost stricken. His face goes hard again when he catches me looking, as if he's just recalled he's angry with me.
It takes him a little while to collect the willpower but he does, and he uses it to turn away from me and lean his back on the bars. It is a clear dismissal.
Kuma quietly takes my arm and guides me away, past Naruto. I surreptitiously look back over my shoulder and see that he's watching me from the corner of his eye in just the same way.
And I know that he doesn't know how to feel any more than I do.
Because in that moment I realize that while he said he didn't want me anymore, he didn't say he didn't love me.