Fighting to Survive Chapter 36
I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.
Grace Ann Mills knew she had a difficult job ahead of her. She knew preparing Sara for trial would have the usual challenges as well as the unexpected ones. She knew time was not on her side and that alone would be their biggest obstacle. Grace couldn't help but view Sara's upcoming trial as possibly the biggest case of her career and she was worried. Her reputation nowhere near as much a factor as the emotional impact of anything other than a victory for Sara would be.
Trevor had warned her early in her career about the dangers of becoming too emotionally involved. Her job was to get into the heads of the victims she was entrusted with to prepare them for trial. To prepare them, but not to cure them. She was to remain objective and by doing so had the ability to see things from the outside in. Trevor warned her not to let them into her heart. If you carry their pain, you will feel it and therefore you are in no better position to fight than they are. Trevor often spoke without compassion, but his tactics were rarely questioned.
Grace knew it was too late. Too late to heed Trevor's advice. She not only carried Sara's pain, but Olivia's as well. It was impossible not to feel connected to both women as they both fought for their future. The fact that Grace was realizing the depth of her feelings for Sara had her questioning her abilities, but the connection she witnessed between Sara and Olivia was powerful enough to make her fight against her doubts and Trevor's strong warnings.
This case was different. While the circumstances were similar to many others as far as the crime committed, Grace knew she had a specific tool that if used properly could make all the difference in the world for Sara.
"How long have you been here?" Olivia's seemed apologetic but not surprised to see Grace in her room.
"Not long." Grace lied, she would wait all day if it meant Olivia was getting the help she needed.
"I figured I needed to be a little more aggressive with my therapy; it was suggested I attend more sessions, participate more." Olivia smiled which surprised but pleased Grace. "You know... my name's Olivia and I'm a rape victim."
Grace could hear how tough the sessions were for Olivia. She could hear how Olivia was fighting not only for herself but for the chance of being released in time for Sara's trial. "The more you participate the better your progress. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that."
Olivia thought about where she was when she had first met Grace. It seemed like only yesterday in some aspects but almost a lifetime ago in others. It was only yesterday that Grace had accompanied her to Beacon and Olivia had been to every available group session since. She had met with her personal psychiatrist as well in hopes of convincing him she could be ready for release in a week. Olivia let out a loud sigh at Grace's comment. "Have you had a chance to meet with Sara since yesterday?"
"I'm heading there in a bit. I really wanted to meet with you first." Grace hesitated, wondering if Olivia was really where she claimed to be emotionally. "I need your help, Olivia."
Olivia pulled up a second chair, easily picking up on the pleading tone of Grace's usually confident, compassionate voice. "I really don't know what else I can do."
"Olivia, Sara isn't asking for anything. She didn't ask for or even want this trial. All she asked for was the chance to see you." Grace noticed how Olivia kept eye contact with her while she talked. "We got her out of Taconic and she was able to visit with you...I have her trust."
"I don't understand." Olivia was clearly confused as to what Grace was asking of her.
Grace was nervous and that alone worried Olivia. "I can't let her down. She trusts me, Olivia."
Olivia could feel how much Grace cared about Sara and Grace's sudden doubts were unnerving at best. "I thought you said it looked good for her. That Langan said she had a good shot at beating that murder one rap."
"If she is convincing on the stand. If the jury believes her actions to be based on her traumatic past." Grace got to her feet, forcing herself to regain her composure. "If I can get her to be believable when she didn't want to do this in the first place."
Olivia watched Grace as she slowly walked around the tiny room. The air was heavy and neither woman spoke for fear of disrupting the silence. Grace found her way back to the chair she had waited for Olivia in and quietly took a seat again. "She just has to tell her story; she'll be believable." Olivia's voice was barely more than a whisper.
"Do you think she will, Olivia? I mean do you think she will share with a jury what she has already accepted and buried?" Grace feared Sara would change her mind and that was her right, but Grace couldn't allow that. Not now that she carried her pain, felt her fight.
"Sara hasn't buried anything. Look in her eyes, Grace. Look past the distant, guarded stare. Ignore the way it seems she is looking through you, she sees you clearly. If she trusts you, she'll talk to you through those eyes." Olivia spoke quickly, realizing how easy it was to misjudge Sara. "Please don't give up on her."
"I could never give up on her." Grace stood when Olivia did. "How far do I push, Olivia? She's got what we call a strong fragility; it can be very deceiving. In fact, she is a lot like you in that respect."
Olivia stared at Grace wondering if the title fit and she supposed it did to a point. "Push until she is cleared. She deserves somebody in her corner. She deserves to have somebody go to bat for her."
Grace smiled at Olivia knowing that's exactly what she did when Sara was a child, when she needed her during the riot and now when her future was on the line. "A week, Olivia. That's all we get and she is going to ask me if you will be there."
"Tell her I will be." Olivia spoke with a borrowed confidence. Grace wished she could do more for Olivia than she was doing and it seemed Olivia read her mind. "I'm trying, Grace. I really am."
"I know you are. I know." Grace walked out of the room, her mind on her upcoming visit with Sara. She had less than a week to have Sara ready and there was no time to doubt her abilities now.
Nick stood as Grace made her way toward him. "They told me you were with Olivia and that I should wait."
Grace could see how anxious Nick was about seeing his partner having not even as much as talked to her since that night in her apartment. "She's doing well. Making progress but there's still a long road ahead. Her moods change without notice, so just be aware of that."
"Do you think it's too soon to visit?" Nick reacted quickly as Grace began to walk away.
"I think you've waited long enough." Grace's smile was just enough to calm Nick as he seemed to accept Grace's answer. "She knows you're coming and will meet you in the family conference room."
Nick watched Grace walk away, he assumed she was headed to meet with Sara. He wondered if she ever slept for she seemed to be everywhere all the time. Nick proceeded to the cozy little room where he felt at least a little more comfortable. He then admitted to himself there was nothing comfortable about being here and there would be nothing comfortable about seeing Olivia again.
Olivia entered the room and Nick realized he was wrong for deciding nothing would be comfortable. Her smile before she dropped her eyes was more than enough to reassure him that it was the right time for him to visit. He missed her smile. "I met Stabler. How did you ever work with that guy?"
Olivia smiled again as she watched how nervous Nick seemed. "I heard you found him...thank you." Olivia's voiced trailed off and it wasn't long before she was struggling to keep eye contact.
"Sure." Nick's tone pulled Olivia's attention back to him. "I met Sara too."
Olivia nodded, giving Nick the floor.
"I want to help her, Liv. I mean she's a good girl, doesn't belong in prison." Olivia listened carefully to Nick as he talked. She remembered how his accent always thickened when he felt strongly about something.
"Grace will help her. She'll help get her ready, but in reality it has to be Sara." Olivia shrugged keeping eye contact with Nick. "It just has to be."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Nick listened to Olivia speak, her tone changing with her words. "I'm sorry, Olivia. Sorry for what happened to you. I wish..."
"Stop." Olivia's abrupt response cut Nick off in mid-sentence, quite possibly a relief to them both. "I'll be okay. I mean, I'm not in prison so it can only get better from here, right?"
"Yeah, right." Nick shook his head, his gaze falling to the floor. He fought against the image he had of Olivia beaten, raped, broken. "How did you do this for so long? This job, the victims, the sick monsters that never go away? I gotta tell ya, Liv, I don't know if this is for me."
"Maybe it's not. Special Victims isn't for everybody, the average life of a SVU detective is only two to three years. It often becomes too much and usually it's one particular victim that makes you question if your time is up." Olivia watched as Nick absorbed her words, realizing his reaction to them was not what she was looking for.
"One particular victim. Olivia, I saw my one particular victim." Nick struggled to look at Olivia. He knew she was his one victim and the guilt was quick to consume her.
"I'm sorry, Nick." Olivia truly was at a loss for words and Nick scrambled to put them both back on level ground.
"Then there's Sara and I feel as though this is what I'm meant to do." Nick felt at least a little relief as Olivia believed how he cared for Sara.
"I fought, Nick. I did. He took my gun when I returned home from the bar. I didn't hear him...sense him there and he was on me..."
"No, Olivia. I don't need to know what happened. He's dead, I'm okay with that." Nick could hear the pain in Olivia's voice and hated that he seemed to be the cause of it.
"I should've cuffed him, you know. I knocked him out and he was unconscious. I should've cuffed him." Olivia was instantly back in her apartment and the scene in her head was very real.
"Liv, please, don't. It's okay." Nick moved closer, reaching for her hand.
"I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I'm sure it was terrible for you."
"Olivia, please don't do this. I came because I wanted you to know that I support you. I am not Stabler, okay, I get that." Nick swallowed hard, giving Olivia a chance to process what he was saying. "I may be a bit naïve to the horrors of this division, but it doesn't change how I look at my partner. I don't look at you any different. I could never see you any different than Benson. Detective Benson."
Olivia stared into Nick's dark eyes, catching the way his jaw clenched with each breath. She only nodded, motioning toward the chairs that seemed inviting.
"When do you get that off?" Nick watched as Olivia was becoming quite good at maneuvering around with and without the crutches.
"At least a few more weeks. If I'm lucky." Olivia shook her head as she stared at the cast. "It's heavy."
Nick caught her play on words, but let the following silence be his response. He kept his eyes on Olivia's face so that he was looking at her when her eyes found his again. "You look good, Liv."
Nick Amaro had a warmth to his voice that Olivia barely recognized before and never appreciated more than now. "The victims, Nick, they will get to you sometimes. Make your heart bleed, you know." Olivia paused, her eyes losing the shine they had when she first arrived in the room. "Then there are those that make you fight for them...for yourself. Those that stay with you, that get in."
"Sara." Nick spoke her name and Olivia's slight nod was enough. "We're all fighting for her Liv...and for you. All of us."
"Can you just sit for a while? Maybe tell me how it's been going? I'd love to just talk shop, you know?" Olivia carefully watched Nick as he seemed to finally relax. "Sure. Fin's a pain in the ass. Moody."
The smile that Olivia responded with was enough to encourage Nick to continue. She just wanted to hear him talk, really didn't matter about what.
Grace waited for Sara to be escorted into the small meeting room. Beacon was such a better place and even the lawyers were given the utmost courtesy. Grace flipped through the paperwork on Sara's recent arrest for the murder of her father. She once again ran through the court transcripts. The words on paper hadn't changed but Grace's desire to free Sara only got stronger each time she read how nobody helped this girl. Grace pulled her glasses to the top of her head so that she could rub her eyes. The words were becoming a blur as she realized no amount of reading would help her prepare Sara. Olivia said to read Sara and that was what she intended to do as she packed away her paperwork.
The door opened, revealing Sara uncuffed and surprisingly relaxed. She was escorted to the small table where she was instructed to sit. "Take as much time as you need." The officer smiled at Grace before turning to leave the room.
"They're friendly here. I like it much better." Sara's voice held a relaxed quality that Grace had yet to hear from her.
"It is still prison, Sara. It's just not Taconic." Grace was suddenly alarmed when she realized Sara was content to stay here at Beacon, her fear of the unknown and the possibility she would be granted her freedom out into it enough to keep her hesitant to try. "Sara, do you trust me?"
Sara's slight nod was all Grace got and she waited to see if Sara would want to direct the conversation. It was evident that Sara was content to sit quietly, stalling for she was well aware of the purpose for Grace's visit.
"Sara?" Grace forced herself not to react when Sara looked up at her. Her eyes held a hollow glare that Olivia had warned her to look past. Grace made a mental note on how Sara was able to shift so easily, a defensive tactic that made Grace wonder if Sara hadn't used it her entire life to protect. "I am here to talk to you, to hear you and to help you. I have nowhere else to be today or tomorrow for that matter and am willing to do whatever I possibly can to get you out of here. You deserve a life outside of prison and I intend to help you get there."
Sara kept her gaze locked on Grace and Grace instantly recognized how she looked through her.
"That is what you want? Sara, do you want your freedom?"
"I don't know. I'm sorry, Miss Mills. I know you are here to help, but I like it here." Sara sounded like a child but she carried a look of a woman older than her years.
"Beacon is for women working toward their freedom; their future. There is a good chance you will be sent back to a high security prison much like Taconic if you choose not to work towards yours." Grace hated the thought of Sara returning to anything remotely like Taconic, but the possibility was very real.
"I can't go back there. I can't, but..." Sara looked away from Grace.
"Talk to me, Sara. Tell me." Sara responded to Grace's soft voice and the guarded stare was instantly gone.
"I'm afraid to live out there. I don't have any family, I don't know where I'll go, I..."
"Sara, listen to me." Grace reached for the young girl's hand. "We are all fighting to get you out of here. You don't belong in prison. I know that the fight will continue should you be found not guilty and released. You won't be alone. You said you trusted me, right?"
Again, only a nod.
"Okay, one fight at a time. You will have to take the stand in your own defense. Trevor Langan is the best defense attorney in New York, but even he can only do so much. It will be up to you to prove to that jury that you killed your father as a traumatic reaction to his actions then and when you were a child. It is up to me to prove to you that you are strong enough to face not only your past and the events that landed you in prison, but a skeptical jury as well."
"Grace, I don't know..." Sara's doubt laced her every word.
"I will be confident enough for the both of us. You said you trusted me and that means a lot, Sara. I will do everything in my power to get you through this. You just have to talk to me. Tell me who you are, tell me who you were."
Sara's blank stare unnerved Grace just a bit. "I really don't know who I was. I was somebody different to everybody. My mother, my father. I didn't have many friends; I couldn't risk them finding out, you know."
Grace nodded hoping Sara would continue for she knew it was so very important for Sara to have control of this conversation. She had all day if needed to talk to Sara and she would take as much time as needed, but they did only have a week and there was so much more to cover. Still, Grace waited. Still, Sara stalled.
"Sara." Grace's soft tone once again rewarded her with the blank, hollow stare. Sara was guarded once again and Grace had to find a way to get in and stay in. "Tell me about Olivia. Tell me about when you first met her."
Sara forced her eyes back down to her hands and Grace could barely see the shift in her breathing. "She knew. Somehow, she knew." Sara looked up at Grace then, the tears forming quickly. It was when they fell freely that Sara broke Grace's heart.