Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns it all.

Rated M for several reasons.

Chpt 33 Revelation

BPOV

The joys of being a vampire. It was three whole days before we made it off the beach but I certainly learnt a few things.

The true definition of insatiable. Just what it really means not to need to eat or sleep, or take a human moment. An' that sand is as much of an issue for horny immortals as it is for horny humans, except perhaps that I'll be finding it in places it shouldn't be for considerably longer.

We've had fun this last week, an' not just of the horizontal variety. Jasper, determined to prove that there's more to our relationship than sex, has made sure we've taken advantage of every opportunity our island paradise offers. Of course most of them have resulted in us having sex at some point or other, for which I am a truly grateful woman.

However, in the guise of spending 'quality' time together we are now lounging in the shade of the palm trees wading through the stuff Carlisle sent us on mating. An' its slim pickings. I'm reading the ones written in English an' Jasper is showing off his decades of education by doin' the ones in long forgotten languages I haven't even heard of.

I shove my book down with a huff. Vampire writers are all waffle an' no substance. The only thing I've gotten out of it is that mating bonds are formed by a chemical reaction between venoms an' they're a physical connection rather than an emotional one although the authors all seemed to agree that it was rare for one to form where love or affection weren't already present. An' to a man they all say that only death breaks the bond presumably because a vampire's venom never alters.

One of the books referred to vampire's mating more than once but said it was as rare as rocking horse poo. Trust Rutilio.

None of them even mentioned one sided bonds, not like what's happened to Jasper an' I or poor Demetri, although one of the ones I read did at least theorise that while a vampire could only have one bond at a time that wouldn't necessarily prevent another bonding with them. The writer didn't know of it ever happening though. Useless twat.

I can tell by the frustration pouring off Jasper that he's not havin' much luck either.

Suddenly his weighty tome traces a high arc over the next door palm tree an' disappears into the sun.

"Fuck!" He roars, leaping to his feet an' stomping off in all his naked glory.

I giggle. Even Jasper can't carry off rage an' nakedness at the same time.

He spins round, scowling at me.

"Bite me!" He growls.

"No." I object indignantly. We've had this conversation several times already.

"Why are you bein' so fuckin' stubborn?" He demands.

I flip him the finger. Not very mature but it accurately conveys my feelings on where this argument is going. I remember the visceral burn of foreign venom being deliberately injected into a wound an' I have a thick scar under my hair to prove it, I won't do that to him unless I'm sure he won't be hurt. An' he knows it.

"Oh darlin', I'm sorry." He sighs sinking down cross legged in the sand.

Immediately I'm in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck an' pressing my lips to his torture scar.

"We both know that markin' each other's got nothin' to do with it." I remind him. "We knew not all mates mark each other anyway an' the books all describe it as the vampire equivalent of weddin' rings."

"The books." He points out, snaking his arms around me. "Also say that matin' bonds can't be broken."

"As a last resort Jasper." I promise him. "I'll do it as a last resort."

"Darlin' I don't think it's gonna work after the unthinkable has happened." He sighs heavily rubbing his nose in my hair. "What if there's someone at the airport on the way home?"

"Wow." I snark, shocked at his brutal honesty. "Thanks for the reality check Jasper."

He growls.

"How fuckin' frustratin' is this?" I hiss, responding to his anger at the situation with my own. "We've finally figured everythin' out, we're secure in our love for each other an' we want to be together forever but instead of enjoyin' it we're facin' eternity waitin' for it all to get screwed up by some random vampire ho with Jasper appealin' venom."

He is so quiet an' still I can almost feel the wheels in his head turning. It's a long time before he speaks.

"Bella. Why did you run away that night, after it happened?"

"I told you." I hedge.

"Yes you did." He responds with a slight chuckle. "Now tell me all of it."

Oh shit.

"I ran away from you." I confess quietly.

"Because you thought Chelsea had bound me to her an' I was gonna kill you?" He repeats my old words back to me.

"Not exactly."

"Go on." He urges.

"I ran without thinkin' about what she might have done. I'm not sure it had even occurred to me at that point. I ran because I knew I'd let you down." I take a deep breath. "We've talked several times since about how I'd been feeling up till then."

He nods silently into my hair.

"I'd been so worried that I wasn't good enough for you." The words tumble out my voice barely above a whisper. "That I couldn't keep up with where our lives were goin' after Aro's death, couldn't adapt, be civilised. I thought killin' Chelsea like that would help you see everythin' more clearly, speed up the end. I was afraid that you'd fall out of love with me naturally. I convinced myself you'd only stay with me because we were mates an' it was physically uncomfortable to be away from me. That you'd resent me for it.

I was terrified that when you caught up with me it would start, the beginning of the end.

So I ran.

It wasn't until I'd given Rutilio the slip that the implications of what Alice was sayin' sunk in an' I realised that the end might have already arrived. An' I forgot about it."

"Forgot about what?" He pushes gently.

"Forgot why I ran away in the first place. I was runnin' on instinct. My shields went up, I didn't want you followin' me so I covered my sound an' scent. I could hear him crashin' about lookin' for me, when he ran right past me I realised he couldn't see me. An' I was relieved because it meant you couldn't either."

"I could have followed you anyway." He points out. "Because you're my mate an' I can feel you."

"But Chelsea had broken your bond."

"You didn't know that." He says quietly.

No, I didn't. I'd thought he'd come after me an' I hadn't wanted him to, not straight away.

I'd been desperate to get away an' think.

Irrational.

Over emotional.

Scared shitless.

I'd been using my shields.

I'd manifested a new aspect to my gift.

Mating bonds are chemical, physical an' not mental.

Chelsea's gift worked on the mind.

Oh. My. God.

I look up into his face, eyes wide with horror. He holds my gaze steadily.

"You think I did this?" My voice is barely a whisper.

He doesn't answer.

"But why?" I wail, inhaling his scent like a drowning woman. "How . . . ."

Feeling my mounting hysteria he settles my head back under his chin an' strokes my back gently as he pushes waves of calm at me.

"How did you know?" I ask when he's had some success.

"No one we've spoken to believes a mating bond can be broken." He explains. "None of the texts say it's possible. Demetri is adamant he can still feel my connection to you through his, like a roadblock. The Guard have never, ever, known Chelsea to be able to do it. Mask it yes, over many months, by buildin' a strong relationship to someone else. But never break.

Mating bonds aren't mental, they're physical. An alignment of one venom with another, recognition on a chemical level, the vampire equivalent of pheromones maybe? Nothin' about our venom has changed, it can't, an' there ain't no evidence Chelsea could alter it. I mean you don't smell any different to me. You smell like strawberries an' freesias, you always have, I'd recognise your scent in a perfume factory. Gas chromatography's got nothin' on a vampire's nose.

From what I've read. It's still there. Nothing's changed, it can't have. It's hidden, shielded. An' darlin' the only vampire I know could do that, is you."

It makes a horrible kind of sense. I did this. I did this to us, to him. I didn't even know, I still don't. How could I have done it without knowing? How do I stop it? How did I do it? Am I shielding him, if I am, why can't I feel it? My physical shields are an extension of me, I can switch them on an' off at will, well, once I've learnt how to use them. Until then they're like unguided missiles, at the mercy of Hidden Bella an' her survival instincts. An' she doesn't always think rationally. Look at that situation with Raisa, if I hadn't had to go chasing off through my mind after her I'm certain we could have gotten around that vicious bitch's gift an' I could have got my shields back before I was bitten.

Certainty grips me. I did this. An' I don't know how to undo it.

"Are you mad at me?" I want to know. I need to know he doesn't blame me, that I've not done even more damage.

"No." He growls giving me a little shake an' almost blowing me away with the love he's projecting. "You can be a very stupid vampire sometimes Bella Whitlock.

You weren't happy. You doubted me, us. You said yourself you were terrified I would only stay with you because we were mates an' not because I loved you. Which I do by the way. You needed to know it wasn't true. You needed proof."

"An' now I have it?"

"Ah now darlin'. That's goin' outside the realm of what I've worked out." He says softly. "But you do feel it, don't you?"

"Oh god yes, Jasper. I've felt so bad. Because I've been strangely happy, even though you've been freakin' out, I've felt so loved since it happened. Like every fear I'd had was stupid, which it was. An' then Demetri an' everythin' . . . ." My rush of words dries up, that can of worms should probably have stayed closed for now. Shit.

He kisses the top of my head. "I have a fairly good understandin' of what's goin' through Demetri's head darlin', he's an' honourable man. An' he wouldn't want us to get bent outta shape over it right now. He really does love you. He only wants you to be happy."

He is silent for a moment while I process this awkward moment.

"If anythin' ever happens to me . . . ." He begins.

Instantly I tense up.

"Darlin'." He breathes into my hair. "He'll take care of you."

"What's he gonna do to take care of me Jasper?" I demand roughly. "Cart my ashes around in a fuckin' jar?"

We've never had this conversation out loud, but we both know.

He's silent again for a while.

"I hate it." He growls. "The idea that you wouldn't exist. I really fuckin' hate it. But I can't lecture you about it, because I wouldn't want to go on without you either. An' that's how I know you're my mate. I know in my heart I can't live without you because I love you an' I know in my venom I won't live without you."

Hell, how could I have ever doubted him? I've always known on a cellular level that we belonged together or not at all. Mating bond or love? Does it really matter? What a stupid, painful, wasteful . . . .

"Darlin'." He drawls. "Are we havin' a Bella Swan moment?"

"?"

"Are you beatin' yourself up because you wondered an' you doubted? Because if you are I'm gonna spank your naked sparkly ass. I'd say you're only human but that'd be wrong. No fuck, you are human. We all are, just a bit more durable, we're still people. Bein' made immortal doesn't automatically mean we have all the answers an' bein' mated doesn't mean we have a perfect relationship. Nothin' comes for free darlin' we all have to work at it. An' I didn't."

Okay, that was a lot, processing time required.

Yes, I am beating myself up. I have been whatever the female equivalent of a dick is.

Chelsea fucked us over, an' I let her. I dismissed everythin' I knew in favour of what I could imagine. An' I can't even blame her because that rot set in a long time before she did.

Jasper is thinking of himself in human terms? Wow. He's spent a long time disassociating himself from the human condition, self-preservation against his early vampire life an' I can certainly understand why. Trying to deal with that experience in human terms would send even the sanest person gleefully over the edge.

He didn't work at it? Oh he might not have done a perfect job, like hiding his own fears on being the leader behind his stupid alpha vampire mask, but he did try. More than once. An' more than I did.

He's not the perfect man. Close, but no cigar. But he's my imperfect man. An' really, the smug bastard has only a teeny weeny bit of clay in his sexy boots. Who am I to complain? As Char always says 'If it has tyres or testicles, you are going to have trouble with it at some point.'

I giggle. Probably not what he's wanting to hear right now, but he's vampire enough to take it in silence.

An' then the emotional roller coaster sets off in another direction. Knowing I did it changes nothing, it's still broken an' I could lose him for it.

"Jasper." I gasp as panic attempts to fight its way past the icy fear that's gripping me. "What have I done?"

"Darlin', shush." He soothes, turning me in his lap so he can look into my face. "Think about it. We're mates, you didn't break it, you've shielded it. Nothing's gonna happen. I might not be able to feel you but I'm never gonna want anyone else, we're safe."

Safe. Some of the fear leaks out of me like air from a punctured tyre. Not all of it though but before I can start worrying about that another thought occurs to me.

"Don't you mind?" I have to ask.

"Yes darlin' I do mind." His eyes burn into mine. "I want to be able to feel you, to know you're out there somewhere when we're apart. I miss that but not as much as I miss you anyway. I might not feel the pull in my chest but I still feel the pain."

"I'm so sorry." I murmur, unable to hold his gaze an' dropping my eyes down to watch my hands worry at each other in my lap. He graciously lets me have that one, caressing my back with his magic thumbs.

"So what do we do?" I ask eventually.

"Well." He chuckles. "We can sit here while you duke it out inside your head. Or, an' I much prefer this option, you could just bite me already an' we'll see if that works."

I look up at him doubtfully, after this revelation I'm not sure I'm in the mood for Jasper an' Bella sexy time.

He waggles his eyebrows which makes me snigger.

Smirking he releases me from his arms an' lies back in the sand, leaving me perched incongruously on his lap where I can feel how much he likes this idea.

I chew my lip but automatically reach out a hand to stroke his perfect body, feeling his muscles respond to my touch.

"I wanted it to be special." I whisper distractedly as I drink in the god stretched out before me. "An' I don't want to hurt you."

"It is special." He says trapping my eyes with his. "It's you an' me. An' you won't hurt me, I'm your mate."

Deep in Jasper coma I crawl up his body, pressing mine against it as I reach up to kiss him.

"I love you." I breathe into his mouth.

He sighs pushing his body up into mine in invitation.

Slowly an' carefully I work my way back down, trailing my lips across his skin an' revelling in the way he shivers an' moans in response.

When I reach his heart I trace the tip of my tongue around the thick ropey scar.

He shudders.

"Bite me Bella." He pleads hoarsely as his hands twist in my hair, holding me to him. "Take her mark away an' make me yours."

His words go straight to my lady parts in the most primal way, white hot heat scorches through my body an' without conscious thought I sink my wickedly sharp teeth into his flesh.

"BELLA!" He shouts in ecstasy.