Hey everyone long time no see!

I'm sorry for the wait, life has been crazy. New job, finishing finals, and now some lifestyle changes (that aren't for the better). So please comment I could use the support and a smile right now. Thanks! Enjoy. Love Winter xoxoxo

Chapter 35: Love and War

"I figured I would find you down here." Bucky smiled walking down the stairs to the gym.

"You mean Kitty told you, didn't she." Steve answered doing another pull up before dropping down. He scooped up his towel wiping off his sweat soaked face and neck. He walked over to the bench where his best friend now was seated.

"Steve, she's worried about you."

The Captain didn't say anything; he just looked down at his feet.

Bucky continued, "She told me about the nightmares. I know you don't want to tell her bud, but you have to. Keeping her in the dark like this isn't good."

"What are you to friends now or something?" Steve looked sideways at the brunette.

"Maybe I'm not making myself clear, she's worried sick and she doesn't know how to bring this up. She scared you'll get upset with her if she does. If she knew how to talk to you about this she wouldn't have come to me? She just figured you would talk to me. So come on. You know I'm with you to the end of the line." Bucky smiled at his friend.

Steve couldn't help but smile; he knew his friend was only trying to help. "I know you are Bucky."

"Think of all the men I've killed." Steve blinked hard, even talking about it made the memories flash in his head.

"We've all killed men, we've killed boys no older than 15. Cap, we're at war people die. How many of our guys have they killed, tortured."

"Bucky, when they die I'm left standing there. And my nightmares are of me in their position. I was the one dying instead of them." Steve let out a deep sigh, "How many of them had dames like Kitty waiting for them to come home, but they're never coming back. I'm scared I'm going to do that too her. That one day you're going to have to give her the news that I'm not going to be coming home." He paused looking at his friend with a heavy heart. "I don't want her to get hurt."

Bucky cut him off, "You're not thinking of breaking her heart are you?"

Steve looked shocked at the words that just came out of his friends mouth, "God, no, I could never do that to her. I love her..." He paused, "Bucky what if I go out on a raid and I don't come back. This time for good, then what? I'm scared of what it will do to her."

Bucky pushed his hair back and sighed he knew what his friend meant. He had seen firsthand what a mess she had been in when he had gone MIA. "Come on your Captain America. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I mean you've socked old Adolf on the jaw over 200 times." There was a long pause between the two men.

Steve couldn't help but smile as his friend's word but they didn't quieten his fears of leaving her alone, "I think I wanna make her more than just my girl."

"Steve, you're not thinking of asking her are you?" Bucky exhaled a long smoky breath. "You know it's supposed to cost three months salary. I mean after that necklace I don't think you can exactly afford a noticeable diamond even on a captain's pay."

"I know I know." Steve replied balling the towel up in his hands, "But it's the right thing to do. I love her; there are no better grounds for asking her then that alone. I know we're in the middle of the war but I just can't wait anymore."

Bucky smiled at his friend, he couldn't help but be happy for him. In the beginning he had been skeptic of the shy dame Steve had fallen for but after everything the three of them had all been through together Bucky came to see that she was the only person he could picture Steve with. The way she needed him, and despite Steve being brave and bullheaded he needed Kitty just as much. "So what are you going to use a thimble?" He teased.

Steve couldn't help but a small laugh at Bucky's suggestion, "I know I'm old fashioned but not that old fashioned. I was thinking something more sentimental," As he reached into his bag.

"Like what?"

Steve smiled opened the black box showing off the Claddagh ring, "its mom's..." he paused, "Think mom would have wanted me to give it to her..."

Bucky remembered Steve's mother very fondly, even at the worst of times the blonde always wore a smile. "I bet she would."

As Kitty folded away some of Steve's clothing. Other than spending the nights by his side she had barely seen her captain. He would come to bed well after midnight, and even then he didn't sleep; his constant nightmares continued to worry her. Just then the door to the room opened.

"Steve?" She asked excitedly but it was Peggy. Her face immediately fell.

"Are you not happy to see me?" Peggy teased setting the steaming hot coffee down on the dresser in front of her.

"I just thought you were..."

Peggy raised her hand to stop Kitty from saying more, "I know who you thought I was."

Kitty picked up the cup taking a sip, before settling herself on the bed, one leg tucked under herself as the brunette sat at the desk. "I'm worried about him Peggy. I've barely seen him, and he barely talks anymore."

"Steve's always been a man of few words." Peggy answered, trying to sooth the young girl.

"Peggy it's not just that, it's like he's fallen out of love with me. I mean when he kisses me, I don't feel that passion that he use too. He doesn't tell me anything..." She paused for a long moment, "I know he has nightmares, but he never tells me what they are about, and it frightens me. It's like he doesn't trust me." Kitty couldn't find the right words to explain what she was trying to say.

"Kitty, it's been a hard year, this war has been tough on all of us. Never the less Steve."

"It doesn't stop me from worrying, I just don't know if I can handle living like this. Not knowing what's going on with him. How I can help." Kitty looked around the whitewashed room.

"Kitty, I know it's hard but he'll tell you when he's ready."

"I know you're only trying to help but it doesn't ease the pain. He doesn't even talk about the war, before he went MIA he would tell me about the missions, but now he just shuts me out." Kitty explained taking another sip of coffee.

"Do you remember how scared you were when you found out he was MIA?" Peggy asked. The young blonde across the room nodded in reply. "Think about how scared he could have been. And yes I know he doesn't show fear but I'm pretty sure he was worried he would never see you again."

There was a long pause between the women, "I never thought I was that important to him." Kitty murmured.

Peggy felt her heart break a little, after everything Kitty still worried that he didn't want her. "Well you are, despite what you think he needs his best girl."

The blonde couldn't help but smile, however their conversation was broken up by the sound of a key in the lock. "Looks like he's home." Peggy got up out of her chair, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay," Kitty replied setting her mug down on the bedside table.

Steve appeared in the doorway, setting his gym bag down as Peggy past him, telling him to have a goodnight. Kitty waited until the door was closed before getting up, and practically running into his arms. Burying her face against the centre of his chest she held on to him like there was no tomorrow.

"Hey sweetheart what's wrong?" He whispered rubbing her back.

"What happened to you?" She murmured, tears starting to leak from her eyes damping his already sweaty shirt. "Why wouldn't you talk to me anymore?"

"Kitty, we'll talk about this in the morning okay. I'm going to shower and get ready for bed. You should do the same." He told her letting out a deep sigh.

"That's what you always say," She breathed pulling back away from him, "Come on Steve, I'm not stupid, why wouldn't you tell me what's going on. If I did something to upset you just tell me."

He couldn't stop it anymore, hearing her say that made him snap. "Because I can't Kitty."

"Why not? What's changed?"

"Everything has changed," his voice grew louder. "I'm trying to keep you safe, trying to keep everyone safe."

"Well maybe you should stop trying to protect me so much and actually think about yourself for once." She snapped back at him.

"You know I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I just can't. It's not who I am." This was turning into their first fight.

"And this is? A man who comes up to bed at all hours, who doesn't sleep, who doesn't even kiss his girlfriend goodnight anymore. Doesn't even hold her." Kitty paused, tears rolling down her face. She didn't care if he saw her upset and hurt when he was the one hurting her. "What happened to the man I fell in love with?" After she said that her heart broke, she couldn't believe she had taken it that far.

For him the words hit like a bullet, cutting straight to his heart but they were the truth. Ever since he came back to her he hadn't been the same, and he was so blinded by protecting her not letting the war hurt her more than it had already did, he had been hurting her instead. He had nothing to say, he didn't know what to say. He sighed hanging his head, before turning and disappearing into the bathroom to shower.

Kitty sat back down on the bed in her nightgown and cried. She didn't know what else to do, but little did she know her captain was shedding his own tears.

Steve leaned forward under the water letting splash over him, his hands pressed to the wall in front of him, eyes clenched tightly shut, trying to fight off any tears that threatened to fall but they slipped through running down his cheeks. "I'm sorry, Kitty..." he murmured his breath shaking. For the first time since his mother died Steve let himself cry. His heart ached knowing that he had been hurting her, when all she was trying to do was help him.

After Steve had gathered his wits about him and gotten out of the shower he head to their bed to find her curled up facing the wall. He could see the tear stains on her pale skin, as he climbed in next to her. Leaning over her he rested his hand on her arm but she jerked away pulling the blankets up over her so he couldn't touch her skin. He let out a shuddering sigh and laid down beside her. He had broken one of the rules his mother had taught him about relationships; never go to be mad at each other.