So, I moved house, you guys. Now, if anyone out there has gone through that amount of stress (!) in their lifetime, I know I don't need to say anything else to justify my absence… (sobs). ANYWAY. I'm just now recovering from all the anxiety and non-WiFi situation I had for quite a while to bring you an update! Yipee!

Thank you to everyone who left a comment in my absence – only now seeing them! – and I'm here to wrap up this story in the coming weeks! Sorry for the smaller update, time isn't my own at the moment but I'm doing my best for you lovely lot. You deserve it!

Anyhoo, let's get moving. If you celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you have a fantastic one! If you don't, like me, I hope you have a sweet end of November nonetheless, my lovelies! Xxx

Derek

I clutch the flowers in my hand tightly as I shut the door of my Porsche, feeling a foreign sense of nervousness take over my body. I haven't felt this anxious and on edge in a long time, so much that the flowers almost slide off my sweaty palms. Get it together, Shepherd. You're a neurosurgeon, for Christ sake.

The sound of my footsteps hitting the concrete reverberates louder and louder in my head the closer I get to the grave. I feel utterly embarrassed over the fact I've not visited him in a long while, but the chaos in my mind made me feel unworthy. In all honesty, I've been too ashamed of my own actions to face Da, because I know he would have never approved of my attitude towards Meredith. Meredith. It hurts to know he won't ever meet the love of my life, hurts to know he isn't here to help me decide where to go next. Regardless of where he is, wherever it is he may be right now, I know he's watching over me… that's what goes through my mind as my feet come to a stop before his tombstone. Swallowing a generous breath of oxygen and courage, I proceed.

"Hey, Da," I swallow hard, laying down the flowers whilst feeling pathetically inadequate. "I know it's been a while. I know flowers don't really make it forgivable. My mind has just been a mess lately, you know?" I stop and chuckle. "Of course you know. You know everything."

Feeling raw emotion overtake my throat and rocking my body more and more with each passing moment, I look around the cemetery before I sit down on the grass next to his grave, resting my elbows on my knees, hands on my face. What am I doing here?

"I'm sure you're embarrassed of my behaviour lately. I am, too, if I'm honest. I've just been so lost, Da… So lost," I rasp out, feeling tears sting my eyes. "I miss you so much. I needed you more than ever, yet I ran from you. From everyone. I wasn't myself, I wasn't myself for a long, long time. But I found myself again, because of Meredith. Remember I told you about her?" I ask, feeling my mouth pull into a smile against my own will. That smile, however, morphs into a deep frown as I recall the fact she left me. That bitter tang starts to take over my mouth, but I fight it. No more bitterness.

I continue. "So, she left me. A while ago. It hurt like a fucking bitch. I tried to replace her, tried to find her in every woman, every kiss, every hug, it was her. Never them," I say, meaning every word. "She came back into my life not too long ago, though, and I wasn't kind. I was a monster to her. I felt hurt, betrayed, and I couldn't help but lash out at her. I'm sorry for that, Da. I am. I apologised to her and now, I apologise to you. You raised me better than that, raised me to be better than a man who finds solace in alcohol and lets his anger come over him and overpower all his senses. Never again, I can promise you that," I affirm, vehemently.

"We're good now. I did some stuff I'm not proud of, I'll admit. I had someone else… Kayla. I hurt her too, but Meredith, Da… She's the one," I say, feeling warmth radiate through my bones. "You would've love her, you know. She's as feisty as they come, stubborn as they get. But she's got this heart… A larger than life kind of personality that grabbed me from the get go. It was impossible to stay away from her, no matter how hard I tried," I let out a laugh, before I continue. "And, trust me, I tried hard as hell. She was only 17, hell. But that pull was so strong, stronger than I've ever felt before… With anyone, ever. She's given me purpose. Makes me want to get out of bed every day because I know I have her. I was lost for so long, but I found myself with her."

The chilly breeze makes me shiver but, at the same time, it feels strangely comforting, almost like he's here, somehow. "I felt like I couldn't move forward with Meredith until I came to you. It didn't feel right. That's mainly why I'm here, too. I've been meaning to ask her to marry me," I admit, feeling the nervousness that has accompanied me all week return. "I can't fathom any other future that doesn't involve me waking up with her every day with our little babies, half me, half her running havoc around the house, causing mayhem," I can't help but chuckle at the thought. Beautiful. "Seeing them grow, seeing us grow along with them. And then, when they go off on their own, living their lives… We'll have each other. Forever. That's the kind of life I want to live. Life is worth living again because of her," I finish, wiping a stray tear off the corner of my eye. As I do so, the clouds that were covering the skies give way, ever so slightly, to the hiding sun, small rays peeking through the cloudy sky.

"Thank you, Da," I smile, moving to get up. I feel at peace, at last. It's time to move forward, definitely and surely… with her. Always with her.

I put my heart into your hands

Learn the lessons you teach

No matter when, wherever I am

You're not hard to reach

And you've given me the best gift

That I've ever known

You give me purpose everyday

You give me purpose in every way