MV CHAPTER 35 – The Beginning of the Beginning

Steve promised to be back after work with dinner and let himself out of Danny's apartment with a smile and a nod. Dan knew he wanted to talk more, he could tell from the way McGarrett's jaw clenched and unclenched, but whatever the tall man had to say remained unsaid.

As the door shut behind him Danny stood staring at the space he had vacated. The sound of the latch reverberated with a finality of a coffin lid closing and he stayed rooted to the spot, just blinking in the daylight, feeling both hopelessly alone and unable to make any decisions for himself. For some reason he felt Steve would come back, turn the corner maybe and understand that he needed him, but McGarrett didn't return and Danny wasn't sure whether he really wanted him to or not. There were words left unspoken that morning and so much to be discussed and he had hoped perhaps Steve would use that as an excuse -maybe insist on keeping him company. That thought made him twitch, he didn't need company, he needed to be alone. Didn't he?

Minutes may have passed, or possibly seconds, he had no way of telling. His brain was switching gears, moving from hospital life to home life; no routines, nurses, injections or questions. It was hard to do when all he could see were the four walls of his ward room phasing in and out with the room he was currently in.

First his confused eyes began roaming around his surroundings, taking in the idea of `aloneness' - of the lack of people in his space. Next his head followed as he looked over his shoulder and from side to side trying to understand this was where he lived. He had touched his belongings when he first arrived, but none of it had stayed with him for long and he found himself disbelieving reality. Familiar things swam into view but they were strange somehow, like he was viewing them for the first time, fresh colors, ornaments, textures and smells; he soaked it all up and felt faintly queasy. At Queen's the blandness had been all-encompassing and now that he had variety to feast his eyes upon he found it garish and smothering, despite the fact that it was his taste. He had the sudden urge to remove everything in a fit; rip it all up and start at the beginning, just get rid of the past and with it maybe his memories. All he needed was a bed, a surfboard and his books – no more, no less.

With a sigh Danny looked down at himself - being dressed in outdoor clothing instead of hospital garments also felt strange, like he was being allowed to grow up again, take charge of himself; be a man. He wondered in passing what other clothes he owned, he could not remember one item – not even a tie. He had sworn never to sleep in pajamas again, perhaps he would do just that and wear something each night from his closet. McGarrett would think he had gone insane if he found out and his laundry bills would be staggering.

Unsure what to do or think next he waited for something else to occur to him. There was no sound, which was alien to him after weeks of no real peace or quiet, not even a clock ticking to disturb him; their springs worn down weeks ago. What was he expected to do all alone here with nothing but the sound of his breathing? He had told Steve he was tired, and he was but did that mean he was supposed to rest? Did he have things to do? Chores maybe? He doubted it, aside from opening mail everything seemed in order thanks, he assumed, to his friends.

What to do, what to do…

McGarrett was gone, he was on his own; no one close by…no one to hear…no one to come to his aid should anything happen. His foot began tapping on the carpet. Staring at the apartment key where it sat on the table he felt the sudden urge to lock himself in - to make sure that whatever happened he wouldn't be taken by surprise. Where was his gun? He knew his neighbors and the people in the apartment building but he still had only a flimsy door between himself and the outside world and that bothered him.

Picking the key up he reluctantly gave in to his paranoia, slipping on the door chain for good measure. He turned around and rubbed his temples, then leaned against the wall and groaned, his headache wasn't the kind to go away easily. It was the pressure, stress and guilt but he was also pretty sure that somewhere between breakfast on the sidewalk the fateful morning he was held captive and now he had gone stark raving mad, that someone was playing a momentous joke on him and that he would wake up and find it had all been a horrific nightmare.

Was it really a dream? He peered at his surroundings; it was like nothing had happened in this cocoon of his. There wasn't anything in his static home to mark the passage of time, only the stopping of it. No dust or decay, and in some ways it felt wrong that what had happened to him meant so little in the scheme of things. He wasn't sure what he expected on his return but it certainly wasn't `nothing', it was like the universe was waving off the seriousness of the traumatic events. Perhaps there was a message there somewhere but he couldn't figure it out.

Dream or reality one thing was certain – he was sick of it.

Danny was suddenly overwhelmed with everything, he didn't want to feel sorry for himself - not any more. He hoped that the weeks of torment followed by the weeks of talking had brought forth and exorcised all those feelings within him but they hadn't, this was it – the rest of his life began from this moment on and it was un-momentous and in some ways that was just as crushing as if someone had announced his return with trumpets blaring and press photographers. Steve had been good, letting him do this by himself, he knew that but he so badly wanted his friend to be there right now, so much so that he even imagined McGarrett's lean body sitting where he had been earlier, hands on his knees, brow creased into a frown as he tried to cheer him up. He had to let Steve go, he had to carry on alone, he just wasn't sure he could. If his friend was there he would be alright, he knew that. In that he was lying to himself but wouldn't admit it. No matter who was with him he would not feel safe for a very long time.

He heard McGarrett's voice saying `Give it time…' He was so desperately tired and his head hurt. Perhaps he would do just that, time to switch off the mind and let it all drift away..just some time…time was all it would take…time… The room shifted off kilter, there was the ward again…and back to his living room…the ward…his head spun.

Staggering slightly as he was struck by a weakness of both body and mind, he reached out to the seat that Steve had vacated and sat down in it, propping his leg up on the coffee table and shifting aside a used mug with his ankle to make himself more comfortable. He leaned back and relaxed into the cushions, too sleepy and overwhelmed by everything to do much more than stare at the ceiling above him. It was white he noticed, like the ceiling in the hospital and as he drifted he imagined the sound of the heart machine and the buzz of the strip light above him, the smell of Nurse Kakahi's delicate perfume, muffled announcements in the hallways and the squeak of wheels on polished floors. The further he sank into his visions the less able he was to maintain focus on the world around him, his eyeballs rolled back into his head. He was exhausted and worn out from everything.

"Must…stop…thinking…"

Today was the beginning of the beginning, and Danny just wanted it to end.

********

It was dark when he came to, startled awake by a noise in the corridor outside and the sound of a distant siren in the street. As he sat up straight he tipped the mug over, spilling a small amount of bitter coffee onto the rug and making himself jump even more with the intrusive jangle. He ached everywhere from sitting too long in one position and his mouth was drier than a desert floor.

For some reason he panicked, it was the remnants of his nightmare and this was the closet they had locked him in between assaults, he cried out `Oh God help me!' and even felt a sharp pain in his calf where something had torn into it that day, the scar was there to prove it was true and he felt down his leg, terrified that he would find blood wetting his fingers. When he found none he understood that he was safe at home, that time had passed between then and now and that all those who could harm him were in the afterlife, if there was one. He hoped Hell was a place for those animals to suffer and felt sick; for himself, that thought - and them. For a second he couldn't recall which side of the chair his lamp was and leaned across to the left instead of the right, waving around in the darkness until his brain furnished him with the answer. When the light came on he sighed with relief and squinted. The room took on a different form now, with shadows thrown back at him from the corners. He didn't like that either, it was too sinister for his state of mind.

Danny got up, pulling his tired and aching body from the chair and putting pressure onto his healing foot. He limped around the whole apartment, closing curtains and blinds tight against the night and switching on every light in the place. The wattage burned bright and he felt ridiculously safer.

With no clocks to tell the time he checked his watch, it was nearly eight pm and no sign of McGarrett. Dan contemplated calling his boss but, anxious though he was for company, he didn't want Steve to pity him if he sounded too desperate. There was little he could do except watch television, listen to music or the radio but nothing appealed to him. He wasn't able to concentrate for more than a brief moment at a time, his focus wandering back to his recent scare and the lingering thoughts he had before waking up. He couldn't recall it all, the images just out of reach, but whatever it was had left him with a haunted impression of danger and that heightened his senses to full alert.

What to do? Sit, stand, check his watch, stare at the walls, maybe take some medication, wait for Steve? Nothing else to do. It was worse than being stuck in hospital; at least there something was always going on around him, whether he was involved or not. He felt less than useless, tense and irritated.

He went to the window, pushed the curtain aside, and looked down into the street far below, searching the pinpoint headlights for the familiar Mercury. He knew he wouldn't be able to spot McGarrett's car from so far away and in darkness but it made him feel like he was actually doing something instead of passively waiting for someone to throw a bone to him in the form of entertainment and security. Each car that was driven past was a possible friend calling.

"Please Steve, be quick!" he urged as the tenth possible vehicle went past the driveway and sped off into the Oahu night. He found he didn't like his own company much today, it was bad enough before but this, this was interminable. Even having his mind strip-searched by Jones was better than being left to his own devices.

A light twisted toward him. Danny's heart beat faster, yes, there was definitely a car circling in the direction of the apartment buildings and it was a dark colored one. He watched its progress, sure in his own mind that he could see Steve's face and left his vigil to take the latch off the door. He didn't make himself ready to receive a guest, there was frankly nothing for him to do, nor would he want to, he was just there, and McGarrett would soon be visiting.

After a good five minutes, when nothing happened, he opened the door fractionally and listened for the sound of the elevator - still nothing.

"Come on Steve, where are you?" he urged into the empty space. His voice echoed back briefly. Emboldened by the fact no one was there he walked out into the carpeted hallway and checked the elevator itself - no numbers lit, no one coming up. Thinking he could be taking the stairs he leaned into the deep stairwell; no footsteps either. Danny swallowed back a sob and returned to his waiting, closing the door behind him and deliberately hitting the back of his head on it as he did so. For the start of the rest of his life it was turning out to be a shitty reunion. His stomach growled at him, he was hungry. He began to get curious about the food in his fridge and then unfairly angry at Steve for leaving him so long without thinking of that. He had eaten regularly every day of his recovery, barring when he was getting over the stomach wound, and this delay was causing his insides to twist and cramp. Just as he was determined to eat something the phone rang and he jumped. Who would be ringing him? The noise was deafening and the only way to shut it up was to answer.

"Er..hello?"

At the end of the phone McGarrett noted the lack of a normal response from his friend, it was like Dan had forgotten how to answer, "Danno? Steve."

"Where are you? Is everything alright?" Williams asked, his voice showing more emotion than he intended.

"Look I'm sorry, I should have called you earlier but I've had a hell of a meeting with Jameson today, we've only just finished. I couldn't get out sooner. Do you still want me to come round or have you eaten?"

Dan didn't even let Steve finish before his query crossed with McGarrett's, "When can you get here?"

"Shortly. I just need to pack my papers up, close the office and I'll be right over. You want me to bring something?"

"Anything and Steve…?"

"Yeah."

"Please hurry."

"Are you okay?"

A slight pause then, "Just hungry."

Steve knew a lie when he heard one, "Sure Danno…I promise I'll be over soon."

********

True to his word, McGarrett arrived bearing hot soup, noodles, stir fried vegetables and meat balls, aware that he ought to be giving the detective a more healthy meal because of his stomach but keen to cheer him up with his favorite foods. When he got to the door, Danny was already there, looking like he would leap into his arms if he could, he was that agitated. Steve wondered what had happened during the day but decided the doorstep wasn't the best place to inquire about his Second's health.

Once inside he noted the use of all the lights and it didn't take his profession to figure out that Danny was on edge. "Shall I get the plates out? I'm very domesticated you know." Steve offered, trying to make light of the visit.

Williams was standing up, alternately rubbing his arms and pressing finger tips to his temples. Steve wasn't sure he liked this at all. "Um..yes...if you wouldn't mind."

As he busied himself in the kitchenette, McGarrett was keeping a close eye on his friend who hadn't moved. "You know this IS your home, you can sit down!" No movement. "Danno relax.."

Something clicked inside Danny's head and he pulled out of his reverie, "Oh sure…thanks." He sat at the small two seater dining table close to the lanai doors and began smoothing out the (already smooth) wood with his fingers.

"I'm not sure you need to thank me but you're welcome!"

As Steve brought the plates back with modest portions of steaming hot food on followed by bowls of left overs, he inquired with a smile, "Is it bright in here or is it just me?"

Yet again he got the impression that the young man's mind was elsewhere, when Danny replied, "What? You think it's too bright?"

Steve sat down, "Yes I do, you'll burn out the circuit boards. May I turn some off? I find ambient lighting is preferable for my digestion."

Danny was staring at the food now, and didn't reply. McGarrett got up and began turning off lights regardless of the lack of permission. He didn't look at Williams when he said intuitively, "You are safe you know Danno."

"Safe?"

"Yes aikane – safe."

The sigh he heard as a result was the biggest intake of breath anyone could make without weeping. It was then that the Five-0 chief made the decision to try and stay there the night. He wouldn't be able to rest so far away from Danny, not when he was obviously having such a difficult time adjusting. But first things first, he was starving.

"Come on, let's eat." He urged and literally pushed some chopsticks into Dan's hand.

Shortly after that Williams began to relax. Minute-by-minute he came alive in Steve's company. It was like watching someone thaw out from being frozen and he even laughed at some of the things that Kono and Chin had told Steve to pass on to him. As the invisible ice melted between them and they had their most natural conversation in weeks, McGarrett chose his moment to ask about staying over. He sipped some water from his glass, wiped his mouth with a napkin and patted his flat stomach. "The food was great, I love that new restaurant, it seems fresher take-out than our old place. I'm stuffed though. I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to move tonight, I ah..don't suppose there's any chance I could stay here could I? I'd consider it a favor, I don't fancy driving with a stitch in my side."

Danny's eyes lifted suspiciously from his plate and he smiled, "You are such a bad liar Steve, don't gimme that line, if you want to keep an eye on me just say so. I'd be happy to have you around – more than happy. This is harder for me than I thought. I feel like I'm going nuts and have spent the entire day either insensible or incapable, I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't seem to cope and having you here well…it kinda helps." He finished, embarrassed at the admission.

Steve's face was sympathetic as he reached across the table and gripped Danny's forearm, " I know it hurts Danno, things will change in time. If you want me here, I will be here – I just didn't like to push, and I don't want to make you think I'm mothering you if you need your space. In all honesty though I'd feel better knowing that you have some company for a while."

"A while? You mean you'd stay for more than one night?" Dan asked hopefully then wondered if Bergman had been bending Steve's ear. Truthfully though and regardless of what the doctor had said he had tried the `on my own now' bit and found himself wanting company, not just anyone's – his closest friend's. It was too hard and McGarrett was the only person he truly trusted.

"Well, a few days if you'll have me. Just until you get on your feet again. If I can bunk down here at least you'll have a meal every night, even if I have to cook it myself!"

"Hey that's not such a bad thing, you're a great cook! But it's a deal, I'd be honored if you'd stay, like you said – just for a few days. I ah..I don't know how to thank you."

"It is I who ought to thank you, at least now I know I'll get some rest and not stay up wondering how you're doing."

"Well I'm grateful. I'll take the couch, you can have my bed."

Steve shook his head and smiled, "Uh-uh, no way. You're still in recovery remember, you need a proper night's sleep in your own bed and I won't take `no' for an answer. Your couch is plenty comfortable enough for me, I've slept on a whole lot worse over the years. No, I'll sleep right here thanks." He paused and asked, "How's your headache tonight?"

Dan was taken aback, "My headache? How did you know I have a bad head?"

McGarrett shrugged, "You're deathly pale, you hardly ate a thing and you keep rubbing the back of your neck and temples, I AM a detective remember?!"

"How could I forget? Oh…I did forget didn't I?" Dan said sadly, referring to his recent amnesia. "I'm okay, nothing a night's rest won't cure."

"Not according to Doctor Forbes."

"What does he know?" Williams said angrily and without thinking.

"Oh, probably a good deal more than a cop with no medical training!"

Danny laughed, the quip breaking down his temper.

"So how about an early night eh? It's been a huge day one way and another, you're obviously not well and I'm really beat. If you're game I'm happy to clear up this mess while you get yourself off to bed."

"Actually I'd like that."

"Good, we have a deal. I'll try not to disturb you in the morning but if I can borrow some things like a towel, blanket and maybe a spare set of pajamas I'll sort myself out."

"I'll get them for you."

"Don't bother I know where they….." Steve stopped talking, Williams was staring at him, he'd stupidly alluded to the fact he knew his way around Danny's home without him, well tough, the young man had to know they had searched the place when he was kidnapped and get it ready for his return.

"Of course you do." Dan said mildly, there was no sarcasm, just reluctant understanding. "Sure, go ahead, be my guest." He then upped and left the table, making his way slowly into the bathroom and minutes later Steve heard the rush of water as the shower was run.

By the time Danny returned he was re-dressed, having mistakenly left his pj's in the bedroom and his hair was dripping wet. He asked if McGarrett had all he needed then said goodnight, thanked him yet again for staying and for dinner, and turned in.

After the door closed behind him, Steve watched shadows under the gap in the door crossing the strip of light until they stopped and he figured Williams must be in bed. The illumination never went out and he presumed that either Danny was reading - or he was nervous of being in the dark.

Still too early to sleep by his standards, the Irishman perused the bookshelves for something to read, he picked up an old Annual Review of Psychology and took it back to the couch where he had made his temporary nest. He had a shower, dressed in the too-short pajama bottoms he had borrowed, tucked himself under the blanket, pushed the pillow behind his head and began to read. After a while he found himself nodding off, much as he had the night before and he decided that it was time to call it a night. He inserted a spare chopstick into the page he had got to, turned out the lights and curled up on his side to sleep. Before he knew it he was in dreamland.

"NO DON'T!"

The shout awoke him abruptly. Steve automatically rolled off the couch into a crouch, determined to spot the enemy he assumed was there. He was disorientated, the blanket tucked around his ankles encumbering him and hadn't a clue where he was. Running a hand over his eyes he checked the luminous dial on his waterproof watch, two thirty-four am.

"STOP!"

It was coming from Danny's room and without thinking about lights, Steve headed there, kicking aside the bed cover, gashing his shin against the coffee table in his haste and swearing as he almost tripped. He burst into the brightly lit room as though there was someone attacking his friend only to find Danny twisting in his bedsheets and punching out at nothing. The young man had tied himself into knots and was lashing out, thinking, presumably, that someone held him down.

Unsure whether to wake him up or not, Steve tried calling out to him, "Danno, you're dreaming, it's all okay."

"NO! GET OFF ME!"

Wincing at the pain in his bruised shin, Steve walked over to the bed and knelt down beside it, his hand reaching out to Danny's shoulder. Feeling someone touch him Dan's arm launched backwards and knocked Steve painfully away, "DON'T TOUCH ME..LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Undeterred, McGarrett continued, "It's okay. No one is going to hurt you."

Amazingly his voice quietened him somewhat so he tried again, "Dan it's Steve, you're dreaming, wake up."

"Steve?" Danny began to pull out of whatever nightmare he was having at the sound of his friend's voice, he was shaking like a leaf and his upper body was freezing cold. "Steve?" he asked again, focusing better than he had before.

"Yes Danno, I'm here." McGarrett found brilliant blue eyes staring up at him and the sheer depth of their pigmentation made him uneasy - like looking into a bottomless whirlpool. He was transfixed by the pain in them.

Williams sat up, breaking the locking gaze with his boss almost shyly. "Christ that was bad!" He exclaimed as he wiped his sweat-covered face and chest. He never explained any more and Steve never asked. He just untwisted himself from the sheets, with his boss' help and lay back down, one arm tucked under his neck. "Look I'm sorry I woke you up."

McGarrett patted his leg under the covers, "Not a problem kiddo, it's why I'm here. You want to talk about it?"

Danny licked his lips, stared at the ceiling and thought for a moment, "No, no I don't think so. I barely remember it now, just the feeling of being trapped. I guess Mister Jones will have something else to extract from me on Wednesday."

"Your next appointment?" Steve asked and without seeking permission got off his knees and sat on the edge of the bed. Williams didn't object, glad of the company.

"Yeah, it's like having brain surgery without anesthesia."

McGarrett leaned back against the headboard and stared at what Danny was staring at on the ceiling - nothing. "That's an interesting way of describing it."

Dan shrugged, "Well it's true, he slips the scalpel in and digs around there quite happily with no concern for the pain it causes."

Steve's brow creased, he wasn't sure he would like to be going through what his friend was but all in all the detective was holding up well – considering he could so easily have been a basket case, "You think you can try again?"

Dan turned to him, confused at the change in subject, "Try what again?"

"Sleeping, and this time how about with the light out?"

"Oh, you noticed." Dan's face flushed red.

"I couldn't fail to, it's like a floodlit stadium in here, all that's missing are the concession stands!"

"Yeah, I guess you're right, it's just the first night back here - I'm kinda edgy. Did you lock the door?"

"Sure I locked it, and I have my gun here but no one is going to come in, I promise you."

Williams looked away and wiped his tired eyes, "I know that." He said morosely.

"Good. Look get some sleep, you're bushed and I have work in the morning. And Dan?"

The use of his non-familiar name brought Danny's head around again. "Yes."

"Nothing will happen to you while I'm here, no one will come through that door, you're safe, they're all gone now, someplace they can never hurt you or anyone ever again and when tomorrow or the next day comes and I'm not around, you will still be fine and you will get through this. I have faith in you, don't you ever doubt that my friend."

Danny's hand reached out as though to take McGarrett's as it lay pressed on the bed next to him but he never connected. Knowing how much it meant to Williams to have someone support him with no other family around, Steve couldn't help responding and linked his hand in his, grasping it tightly to give him courage.

"What did I do to deserve such a good friend?"

Steve voice almost broke on the words, "That's easy Danno, you simply became part of my family and I will never let you give in to your violation if it's the last thing I do. Now sleep - heaven knows you need it. I'll be right outside."

Choked with emotion, Danny allowed their hands to part slowly as McGarrett got up. When Steve reached the door his finger hovered over the light switch questioningly and he raised one eyebrow. Williams nodded and the older man added, "It's a new day already and you've begun to shed the skin of the past. It's almost over." He smiled and flipped the switch.

********