AN: Hello lovelies! Enjoy!
Kylo Ren took his meditations by himself the next day, standing at ease in the predawn of Rutan. The sand shifted below his feet as he moved through the motions of the morning exercises and it did nothing to quell what he was feeling. Yesterday Rey had pushed him to an uncomfortable place both in their relationship and with keeping the spies from the First Order alive. It was the first time he'd been held back the bloodlust that the dark side had fostered in him over the years and it settled against his skin uncomfortably as he woke for the day, abandoning Rey in her cot to try to remove the feeling.
He had known the entire time that she would bring balance to his life and yet he didn't realize what that would look like or more importantly how it would feel. At first having her on base was exhilarating and trying all in the same moment, knowing that she would be overseeing his every movement, his every decision. And when it came down to it he was glad she was there, to stop his decline into madness. At least half of him was happy about it, the other half that he had embraced for the last decade was furious that the two spies were alive and breathing and could give away who they were and what they were doing. It was that half that made the decision to visit the two in the room Targen has shown Rey the day before.
Rey found Kylo sitting on the ground outside of the room the prisoners were being held in a few hours later. His head was down and she feared the worst as she unlocked and pried open the door to find the two speaking quietly in the corner together. Sighing in relief she closed the door again and locked it.
"We need a plan for them" He said blandly.
"Yes. I'm working on it." She stood over him then, watching the torment clear on his features.
This isn't safe. I can't keep this mission safe with them here. The thought came across hers as he plead with his eyes for her to figure out the solution he'd come to was the only viable one. Shaking her head Rey knelt down in front of him. I can't keep you safe. The thought barely whispered across hers.
"You know I can protect myself." She shifted her staff next to her and placed both of her hands on his knees. "You know that."
"It doesn't make the protective side of me go away." He admitted.
"What would you like to do with the prisoners?" She asks shaking his legs a bit. "Besides kill them."
"Rey I've never kept prisoners alive."
"You kept me alive." She mentioned. "Poe was kept alive."
"That was for strategic purposes."
"Well so is this. The offensive is just days off. We can hold them until then and once everything is in motion, put them on a ship and dump them somewhere." She said. "Why did you come down here?" She asked.
"You know why." His tone was closed and dark, indicating that he still wished to kill the two.
"And what if we had done that to you and the Rens when you were captured? What if we had sentenced you to death?" She said shoving herself to a standing position using his knees as leverage. "You are going to have to figure out how to let people live. Once this new demarchy is set up; killing will be a punishable offense."
"I know." He nodded then looking up at her. "It's why they're still alive." He looked away then, disgusted with himself then. He felt so weak. "I know I'm making something I cannot live in. A world that will never be mine." He looked back at her then; the light from his eyes was missing. He seemed hollow and numb as he realized what he was doing wouldn't be within his reach.
Rey reached for his face, then; to offer comfort, to let him know he wasn't alone. She knelt between his legs then as he stretched out on the floor and he broke. It wasn't that the emotions were overt or particularly marked by anyone who didn't know the Ren but to Rey it was a moment of shattering; a moment he might not ever recover from and she broke with him. She'd felt the same way numerous times since she'd left Jakku: watching Han die, the first fight with Kylo, when Finn lay in the sickbay in a coma, realizing that her parents were truly gone, any number of times. Yet it was as threw the shattering she had become who she was, so while she felt for him she knew it was what he needed at that moment. Leaning forward she wrapped her arms around his shoulders then and pressed herself against him as she opened her mind to him, letting him feel that she was there with him even if he never touched the connection they had in that moment. Pressing her to him, his hands dug into the soft cloth of her shirt as he balled his fists trying desperately not to lose the little composure he had left. He felt lost and alone and yet kept and caught from completely obliterating himself into the galaxy as he was so oft to do without her reassuring presence. It was a singular moment for Kylo as he sat and felt the love instead of feeling like he wanted to murder someone.
Rey felt the others begin to move away from early morning meditation and she pulled away then standing, offering her hand to Kylo then. He looked up at her, still lost but finding an anchor in her. Setting his sights on her face he rose without her assistance as he felt the press of the others that would pour into the room within seconds and he felt sustained by her in a way that he hadn't felt in years or maybe ever if he was honest with himself. He had felt that she was saving him over the months, mostly from himself but in that moment he felt her saving him from everything, from everyone, from the galaxy to his own brethren who would tear him apart for his perceived weaknesses and he was thankful that she was within her right mind to pull him out of his stupor.
"Maybe not right now, not this second, but you will feel better. It will get better." Rey said stepping back then. As he watched her retreat he wondered how he had ever come to deserve her, as if he needed to deserve something so wonderful.
Because we all deserve someone to look at us like the sunrise is imminent or that they are the reason we exist. Rey's thought cut across his; clearly his expressions were giving him away. Slowly he reached to cover his face then, knowing that she could read him with or without the cloth covering his face and was ever thankful for that.
Still not sure I will ever deserve you, his thought came then, slowly and honestly. He knew she was there because he was there. Without him, she would likely be happy with the Traitor or any other number of persons within the Resistance.
By being here, standing against the darkness on your own, you deserve anything you want. Her thoughts followed his wanting to express how she was feeling in that moment.
"Someday I'll believe you." His voice came out as it always did, ladened with emotion and almost catching in his throat yet not quite, reverberating through the air around them.
"Good." She said.
"Red leader, you have your orders?' General Organa asked as she finished up addressing the Resistance then. Red leader nodded and rushed off to complete a task they needed to do before they went out in their x-wings, knowing how crucial the mission was to the fleet.
"General Organa?" Poe said as he stood at attention behind the General.
"Yes Black Leader." She said turning to him then.
"We've located the spies you requested that we bring to you." He said turning over the holo report.
General Organa looked at the report, wondering what the Knights were up to leaving their spies in place after the treaty was signed. Sighing loudly she thanked Poe and dismissed him. Marching into the CIC she asked that the Knights be pulled up on the main viewer. After a few minutes Kylo and Ka, flanked by Rey, stood in front of the viewer waiting on the General to speak.
"We have located your spies dear son." She spat out, her tone and steely gaze centered on Kylo.
"As we knew you would." He said as he stood unmoving. It had been years since his mother's wrath could instill shiftlessness in his body. And besides between when he was a child and now Snoke had intimidated him to the point of manipulation and coercion. "We would not have left them there if we believed that they would not be found. You would not trust if I told you about them would you? You would have continued to search for my spies?" He asked, his eyes not wavering from his mother's.
Huffing slightly the General pursed her lips, realizing that he was right; she had been looking for his spies since Rey and the Falcon's first return from Rutan. It had bothered her that he had been so open and yet had kept parts of himself from her.
"Rey?" The General prompted.
"Sir?" She asked stepping in front of the Rens.
"What do you think?" She offered, knowing that she was playing Rey against Kylo if it came down to it.
Rey paused a moment, worrying her lip before responding, not bothering to look back at the Rens. "Sir, it seems like a divisive move against us." Rey stood taller knowing that between the prisoners that were hers to manage and what she'd just said, it was likely she and Kylo would have one hell of a row, even after she'd just been comforting him that he deserved her: he also deserved her honesty and her thoughts. Rey's thought moved to understand that she had just pitted herself against Organa: if the General agreed with Rey then they would be one against Kylo, if she sided with Kylo then it stood to drive a wedge between the two lovers.
Kylo cocked his head to the side considering all options as his mother hurled insults in his direction, knowing that they were in fact true: he'd left his spied in place even after Rey had brought the treaty to the group.
"Rey, I appreciate what you see but I feel that it was a mistake, one set in motion months before and not acted upon. We will release the spies to the Knights of Ren at their earliest convenience." The General said nodding, understanding that for some reason Rey seemed to be sacrificing herself so that she and Kylo could maintain their partnership.
"As you wish mother." Kylo said bowing slightly as he motioned to end the conversation. "Ambassador, with me." He moved towards the outer doors wondering just what had happened. Had he been betrayed by either of them or was this a show?
Rey shuffled along next to the tall knight, realizing that her plot might not have been thoroughly thought through and wondered how she would manage to get herself out of the predicament she had created. She continued walking a ways until she knew that they wouldn't be heard by any of the Rens. She turned then to look at the man she'd come to love and saw confusion, conflict, and resolve.
"You believe we're moving against you?"
"Why didn't you tell us about your own spies when you dispersed the Knights to see where the spies of the First Order were hiding?" Rey countered.
"Answer my question first." He ground his teeth and waited a handful of heartbeats before adding. "Please."
"No I don't believe you're moving against us." Rey said curtly. "I still don't understand why you would leave the spies in place."
"Must we fight about everything these days?" He spat out, circling her then. Rey stopped turning towards him, sitting down to meditate, to call the Force to her then.
"Kylo, I love you. I still believe that leaving the spies in place was a bad move. It proved that you do not wholly believe that the Resistance had accepted you." She said staring out into the night as the sun set. Kylo sat next to her then, allowing the Force to swirl around them both, not taking not giving.
After a long pause Kylo mumbled, "Maybe you're right little light. Maybe I should have pulled them as a sign of good will. And yet I didn't. What is to be done now?"
"Your mother has already moved past the indiscretion." Rey moved to stand, finished with her meditations.
"And yet you're still furious with me." He stated as he stayed seated.
"No, just annoyed. Furious is what you felt when I discovered the Knights on Rutan." She commented then, slinging her staff across her back. "It will pass." She reassured him then.
"Until tomorrow then." He said bending to kiss her briefly before moving off to join the Knights in the mess hall.
TBC...