I Learned to Love You by Tamyalways

translated from Spanish by ebfiddler

Good morning everyone. Today I want to thank you as always for reading because you know it wouldn't make any sense to write fanfiction without readers, would it? But today especially I wanted to thank the people of twitter for all your messages, your retweets, your favorites ... thanks because sometimes it may seem that I have less presence, but that's not the case. I really like your messages, you make me laugh and of course you show me that you are really immersed in the story—and that's what I like. So today is dedicated to all of you (even though maybe it is not the best chapter to dedicate), but you know that all of them are really dedicated to all of you who read—knowing that you are there waiting for the stories is what makes me write.

The characters are not mine ...

Idea from Lizcecilia6CECIFILLION

translator: I was hoping to have this up a few days ago, but didn't have enough time to polish up the chapter for posting til today.

Chapter 35

KATE'S POV

He had looked faded ever since he called his mother a few hours ago. I knew how important his mother was to him and how little he liked to see her upset. He looked sad, as much sad as exhausted.

I knew of his intentions. He wanted to indulge himself and think only about his life—what remained of his life—but he was so good, so loyal, that no matter what he wanted, he still was always thinking about the people who loved him, before thinking of himself.

As I watched, he passed out again. I called him a few times but he didn't rouse, so I called the nurse. She asked me to calm down, and told me he was just sleeping, but she called the doctor anyway. His doctor confirmed that exhaustion had simply overcome him. He was fast asleep. If he did not wake up later that night, they would see, but for now they would just let him rest. So I did too, and left him alone for a while. I sat in the hallway right outside his door, trying to compose myself after the scare.

I remained sitting there a while, staring into space, trying not to think, trying not to feel, but it was so complicated. Now that this man mattered so much to me, he was going to leave my life, as did everyone who mattered to me. Perhaps it was my curse, I thought, giving an internal snort of humor at this notion. I, Kate Beckett, thinking about curses, when I was the least gullible person in the world. I was so deep in thought that I did not hear footsteps approaching me.

"Kate." I looked up in the direction of the voice and found Lanie looking at me.

I got up and hugged her like a lifeline in a storm at sea. I had missed her so much, and I needed her in my moments of doubt, in my bad moments, those times that fear overcame me and panic overwhelmed me.

"God Lanie! I've missed you so much!" I exclaimed, embracing her even more forcefully.

"You too, my friend," she said, drawing back to look at me, as the tears began to run down my cheeks, as they perhaps did too much, in the last few hours. "My God! Look at you, Kate! You've gotten thinner, and your beautiful eyes—"

"I ..." I could not speak. I was trying to, but I just started crying harder.

"Hey! Calm down. Come, let's sit down." She helped me to a chair, still holding my hand.

"We're waiting for the tests. But ... the prospects aren't very good," I explained, starting to cry again.

"Oh Kate, it'll be okay. He's strong, so very strong, and you can't give up, not yet."

"I …. Everything was going so well …. I can't lose him. Now more than ever, Lanie, I love him ..."

"I know," my friend replied, fixing her look on me, as if she had known all along what I was going to say.

"No, I'm in love with him. I love him as I have never loved anyone else in my life, and I can't live without him. I don't know how to live without him. He has taught me so many things. I've become so accustomed to him, to having him at my side, always—at any given moment of my life, he's always been there. Now if I'm away from him for five minutes I already notice his absence, I miss him. How am I going live without having him around?"

"Well, Kate, it's clear that you're in love," she said, making both of us smile. "In other circumstances, this would have been great news. But even so I'm glad. Because there is no more beautiful thing in this world than to find the love of your life, and to enjoy it for as long as you can, Kate. What you've lived through is not in vain. You'll carry it with you forever in here," she said putting her hand over my heart. "You two have always have been that way, you just didn't realize it. When you two are together, you're very special."

"He's special. I never thought I'd be saying this," I gave a little laugh, "but there's no doubt that we were made for each other. We are so different, but connected in such a special way …. These recent times have been the most important and most beautiful of my life …. I just don't want it to end, it's not right ..."

I stayed out there with Lanie for a while, so we could get caught up. I was happy to have her around again. I could not help laughing at some of her doings. But then I looked up and saw Dr. Carter headed toward Castle's room.

"Dr. Carter, do you have news?" I asked anxiously.

"I have the results. I came here to speak with Rick," he said very gravely, which forewarned me that things were not going well.

"Doctor—" I wanted to question him before he went in, but it was clear that he intended to speak to Rick first.

"We had better go in. If he hasn't awakened, we'll see to it that he comes to," he told me, again with utmost seriousness.

"Well," I gulped. I felt Lanie grab my hand, stopping me for a moment.

"I'll wait here, honey. I'll be waiting if you need me."

"Thanks," I said, attempting to smile at her, but I was very nervous.

I knew that the chart the doctor carried could not contain any good news. I was just praying that it wouldn't be too bad, because I didn't know if I could bear it.

I went in and saw that Castle was awake, but still lying down. Seeing him alert at least pulled a tiny smile out of me. He had awakened on his own, and that was something at least. I walked over and gave him my hand. I wanted him to feel my support.

"Hello, Dr. Carter. Kate ... I fell asleep talking to you, sorry," he apologized when he saw me.

"Rick, I've come to talk to you. You understand that you're in this position because of the decisions you made a few weeks ago to leave off treatment. You know that, right?" the doctor asked him gently and sternly at the same time.

"I know."

"Things aren't going well, as I suppose you may imagine." He made an evaluative pause, to make us understand that what had ensued was due to Rick's decision not to continue with another course of chemo. "Your A.L.L. has been spreading rapidly during all this time. Rick, I regret it greatly, but your life expectancy has been reduced."

"But—" I tried to ask, but tears got in the way, "there are still options, right? It's barely more than a month, and he had a window of a few months to—"

"I'm sorry to report that this window has narrowed considerably. The defenses that he had previously were damaged by the chemotherapy. When he discontinued the course of medication, these defenses did not exactly reconstruct themselves."

"And if we find a bone marrow donor?" Castle asked. For the first time I saw him truly afraid. And he could barely keep his eyes open from the exhaustion.

"We have only a week, or two at most, to see if a transplant will work, and we don't happen to have a donor who's a perfect match waiting just at hand. It will be very complicated. Also, keep in mind that although you're already on the list of those in need of a transplant should a donor become available, you don't necessarily have the top priority. I hope you can understand that. A remaining option is that should someone donate specifically to you, we can perform the transplant, and pray that your body has enough strength to pull through."

"But, Doctor, that's not fair, he needs it because—"

"I am so sorry," he said lowering his gaze. At heart he too was very sorry to have to give us such grim news.

"No, I'm not okay with this!" I exclaimed, wiping away the tears of anger that sprung to my eyes. "I won't take 'no' for an answer. We have to keep fighting, everyone. Do not tell me it's over!"

"Kate, I didn't tell you—" Rick tried to say, but in my desperation I cut him off.

"What? They're practically telling us that they've given up, don't you see, Rick?" I exclaimed, my voice getting higher and higher with each word. "And I will not allow it, I won't have it!"

"Kate, he's not to blame," Rick tried to sooth me. "They've done everything they—"

"No, not you too! We are not going to give up. Or at least I'm not giving up yet. I'll do whatever it takes, do you hear me? Whatever it takes!" I shouted as I ran out the door of the room without looking back.

"Kate ... Kate ... Kate ..." It sounded like Lanie calling me, but I needed to get away from it all, I needed to outrun the fear that crept through my veins like poison to my heart. He could not give up. No one could give up. I could not imagine a life without him, I did not want to imagine a life without him.

RICK'S POV

I knew how Kate felt. I had reconciled myself to the idea, but she hadn't. I also didn't want to die, nor even think about it, but I was prepared if that's what happened. I had made up my mind, and reconciled myself to the possibility, but I suppose she had not even wanted to consider it, and that's why she refused even to listen to the possibility now. Which in reality was more than a possibility, it was likely. But I didn't want her to think that I had stopped fighting, or that I had already made up my mind that I no longer cared.

Kate had left the door open. I saw Lanie and signaled her to enter. So she did, and the doctor, after saying goodbye to me very thoughtfully, closed the door.

"Lanie, please help me. I'm exhausted, but I need to talk to her. Please ... I beg you."

"Castle, you mustn't try to get out of bed. Look, you're starting to bleed from the nose. You shouldn't—" She came up to the bedside with a large towel.

"I need to talk to her. Please," I implored.

And I owed her greatly, because after cleaning the blood from my face and packing the nostril with cotton, she helped me into the wheelchair and took me to Kate.

We left the room on this quest. I needed to talk with her, and knew very well where to find her. I barely had the strength, but I had to talk to her, to make her understand that I would fight until my last dying breath, that I intended to live by her side for as long as I possibly could. Because it was my destiny, it was my desire, it was my objective and my highest goal. She was everything to me, and I wanted to be with her as long as possible. Because the more time we spent together, the more I loved her.

We found her. I told Lanie when I spotted her. She brought me near, and left me there, going a little distance away in order to give us privacy. Kate was on our bench, where—was it only hours ago?—she finally told me that she loved me.

"Hello, beautiful," I greeted her, as I took her hand and gripped it as strongly as I could.

"Rick, you shouldn't—"

"I'm fine," I lied to reassure her.

"Rick ..." she said looking at me and seeing the blood-soaked cotton stuffed in my nose.

"Let me speak, Kate, please. I need you to know, to understand, that I have not stopped fighting. I will never give up while I have you by my side. You are my support, my reason for living, and I need you," I said swallowing hard to keep the tears that threatened to fall securely dammed up. "I want you to understand that I wouldn't give up even if I felt like it, because my heart needs to be here with you. And I want you to understand that nothing will make me give up. I don't want to go ... I want to spend more time with you, and I want this to last long ... I want to see you grow old with me ... I want to kiss you a gazillion times," I said making us both laugh. "I want to wake up every morning by your side until I'm a toothless little old man with white hair. Kate, I want to make you happy. So I can't go, nor do I want to. I don't want to die. Do you hear me? I won't give up, not even at my last breath. Until that moment I'll fight to be here, to stay with you. So that you know it's true, let me tell you something—back when you were out of the room, and I woke up alone, I took the opportunity to call my mother."

"Yes?"

"I asked her not to come back yet. I want her to find him, I want her to look for him and make him do something for me for the first time in his life. I want her to find my father because I want to live. I want to live, but only if it's with you, because nothing makes sense without you."

Kate threw herself into my arms, kissing me passionately, her ardor catching me off guard, so that I had to hold on tightly to the chair to keep from toppling over. And I let her carry me away. I got lost in her kisses and caresses, wanting more than ever to live, wanting more than ever to have the strength I needed to fight this.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Well, it seems that they'll both fight together with all their strength, even though things are complicated. But together always they manage to beat the odds, so ... hopefully they can manage it again.

Thank you all for reading and have a good weekend, see you on Monday XXOO

Twitter: tamyalways

translator: I hope to have the next chapter up before this weekend. Thanks for reading and reviewing.