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Notes on future chapters: I have a looooot mapped out - pretty much I'm just working on a way to wrap this whole thing up but it won't be any time soon no worries! Currently, I'm writing more in depth about Emmett and Rosalie's visit to Vera's. I'm writing some things in Robert's POV, some dialogue for Robert and Rosalie and Camille and Rosalie. I'm also exploring a scene when Rosalie told Camille she was pregnant and what she thought, and another scene of Emmett and Rosalie's relationship foundation and the first thing she really learns about his past and some more things I don't want to spoil yet heheheh. Big things are brewing!
Gone - The Head and the Heart
There were times you should have stalled
As you sailed into the fog
Like a dog I smelled your fear
Lord knows you should have been here with me
But you were gone
These days roll sleepily by
I can hear the old trains cry
There will always be be a moon
Pulling me away from you
You're gone, gone, gone, gone
Gone are the days when the wind would brush my face
Gone are the days when you're the wind...
And gone are the days when my heavy heart is worn on my sleeve
Rosalie: Is Hope Contagious?
Present
I snorted a little giggle and looked back at Emmett, accepting a quick kiss and feeling him smiling against my lips.
He brushed his fingers over the end of my chin with a laugh.
"All of this is totally normal to me." I responded sarcastically.
I still couldn't look at the baby horse trying to stand on its own just a few minutes after it had been born.
"Sometimes I don't think about how odd our life is to outsiders since we've lived in a bubble for so long." Vera chuckled, accepting a kiss on the cheek from her own husband.
The way he looked at her was just overwhelmingly lovely. The two of them were truly made for each other.
John pushed his sleeves up with dirty hands and Vera hugged to his side looking up at him with adoration.
"How did you meet?" I asked, trying to divert into conversation.
"Us?" Vera looked over at me, seeming ripped from a reverie. "Oh, dumb question. Sorry, of course that's what you meant."
She laughed freely. John shook his head with a laugh.
"We met in preschool." John said with a wide, lopsided grin. "And our grandmothers were best friends growing up."
Vera nodded with a smile.
"Yep. And, we've pretty much been dating since the sixth grade." She admitted. "Small town life I guess."
They both laughed. I believed they were so connected that they could've found each other in the biggest city in the world.
Like Em and I.
"Wow." Emmett seemed unable to believe that, his brown eyes wide. "That's really something!"
"When you know you know, I guess." Vera bit her bottom lip.
I found myself smiling, and Henry put his thumb in his mouth and laid his head on my shoulder.
I exhaled at the feeling, looking down on him.
"Looks like you two have become fast friends." Vera grinned like this was her plan all along.
I flushed scarlet, feeling my muscles tensing up.
Henry noticed and squirmed a little against the discomfort of my frigidity.
I didn't know what to say, and offered him back to her. Vera gave me an odd look but took Henry out of my arms.
"You're good with him." Vera tried again with a little smile.
"I repel children." I snorted.
"No, you don't." Emmett argued lightly, but he knew it was true.
"Children sense reticence and nervousness." Vera said, easily diagnosing the problem.
I furrowed my brow.
"Let's go clean up and eat breakfast." John suggested, thankfully redirecting conversation. "I'll come out here and check on April after."
"Yes, please, I'm starving!" Vera said, bouncing with Henry in her arms, and thankful to have me chew on her diagnosis a little more.
"I haven't breathed this much fresh air in ages. I don't know what it's going to do to me so we should probably get back inside." Emmett joked, swinging our interlaced hands as we spun out into the sunshine.
He seemed high on the fresh air honestly.
But, I didn't mind it one bit. He was striking. Like he'd been to me as I first fell in love with him.
The color from the sunlight on his olive skin made him seem to glow and radiate next to me. He was breathtakingly handsome.
The wildness of his curls and his new beard made me want to jump on him, but nothing made me more weak at the knees than the way he smiled now - without boundary.
I inhaled the smell of fresh grass and a coming early afternoon rainstorm before Em and I made our way back through the door, then at the threshold the fragrant smell of a hot, delicious breakfast danced to my nose.
Vera had a lovely breakfast prepared by a cook named Betsy. She was an old woman with white hair and suntanned wrinkled skin. She had warmth emanating from her pores and looked exactly like the caricature of a grandmother.
Betsy had rosy cheeks and a round belly I could've sworn I'd seen her in children's books married to Santa Claus.
She sat down on my other side, eating with us like she really was a family member. Vera airplane-d some food into Henry's mouth and conversation advanced easily as it seemed like we were all just getting to know each other under regular circumstances.
I was thankful for Emmett's sociability. He was charismatic and easy to get along with, and this balanced just how reserved and quiet I was. I enjoyed socializing of course, but I did feel inept at leading conversation. I loved that I could sit back and smile or nod or add a few responses here and there, but ultimately Emmett was the conversationalist for the two of us. I noticed that it made me able to relax.
I even laughed a few times.
After our late breakfast, Emmett helped clear the table of dishes as Vera started washing and John started drying. I picked Henry up out of his high chair to keep my hands busy, but also because it was really calming to have him in my arms. There was something familiar about it.
"You're both incredibly intuitive people." Vera started conversation easily, submerging her hands in the soapy water next to Betsy to help her wash the dishes.
Emmett shot his eyes over to me with a little smile in them.
"Especially about each other." Vera complimented, keeping her eyes down on her work.
I didn't know whether or not to say thank you.
Then, I realized this whole day had been a session. There really was no break. She was so good at creating a relaxed environment that I almost forgot I was a lab rat being observed…
"You both operate at an extremely high emotional pitch – one highly unsustainable for most people, but hey, it really does seem to work for you."
I didn't quite know what that meant, and Emmett furrowed his brow signaling he didn't know what she meant either.
"I must say though, to operate on that level of vitality in the day to day is extremely… unique." Vera went on, handing John a pan to dry. "I've never in my life met a couple that has sustained that type of relationship for very long, especially in a marriage. It's not impossible, by any means, but it requires both of you to maintain a very vigilant watch on staying balanced."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean…" Vera sighed, diving her hands into the water again. "A relationship between you two is going to be inherently… volatile."
"Volatile?!" Emmett asked; his eyes widened as a licensed professional on relationships all but suggested we were doomed from the start.
"Now, that doesn't necessarily have the negative connotation most commonly associated with it and maybe that's not the best word..." Vera clarified. "I'm just saying that a relationship between you is extremely vivid because you're both incredibly… fiery… and very passionate, and not many people can sustain a relationship that… intense. Most therapists would even advise against pursuing it."
"So what are you saying?" I shifted Henry to my other hip.
She spoke calmly like she wasn't telling Emmett and I we were in a sinking ship.
"I'm not most therapists. I believe in this." Vera gestured between us. "I really do."
Emmett nodded, leaning back onto his hands and keeping his gaze down.
I darted my eyes down nervously as well.
"You balance each other out – but you're also both like really highly reactive chemicals, okay?"
Vera started an illustration I was desperately trying to follow.
"So, if you mix just the right amount, it just turns the solution blue or something, and it's great, A+, but if you try to overpower or get too much of one thing in there, it bubbles over and explodes all over the science lab." Vera seemed satisfied with this analogy.
I couldn't help but chuckle.
"That was good." I nodded.
"Thank you!" Vera giggled, and pseudo-curtsied before she went on.
"You make each other feel alive. You're both very intense people, and that works for you. It's tremendously exciting for you to have that sort of vitality in your marriage, and you never want to lose that – or you're afraid you'll lose the heart of your relationship. But, you won't. The heart of your relationship is much deeper than just your passion for one another." Vera spoke in what sounded like a foreign language.
She remained quiet for a moment to let Emmett and I both marinate in this.
I was still having no luck getting to the root of her meaning, but I looked over at Emmett and he smiled a little at me before darting his eyes back down.
"Why did you get married?" Vera asked a perfectly fair question, but Emmett's face went pale and my stomach dropped.
"Because… we love each other." Emmett said for both of us though the look on his face made it obvious he knew he was falling into a trap and this wasn't the right answer.
"That's very clear to me." Vera smiled lightly.
There was a long pause. Emmett and I both knew something was coming.
"But being in love is not an adequate foundation for a marriage." Vera clarified with an even tone as she handed John a plate.
She spoke easily like this wasn't something like a huge bomb she'd dropped in mine and Emmett's laps.
"I think you know why you got married deep down, and while loving each other may just easily encompass it, really, you got married because of your intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical compatibility." Vera said clinically. "To what degree do you think you've explored your compatibility on important issues like that?"
"I'd say… I mean, we've been married for five years and we've known each other for seven. We've really done a lot of exploring about those things I guess." Emmett said, then looked at me for reassurance. "Inadvertently, I suppose."
I nodded fervently.
"I won't harp on that forever, but there's a really awesome book I have I'll lend you; John and I read it and did the class before we got married and it was life-changing." Vera started with a grin.
John agreed and nodded.
"I'd like for you to take some time and read through some of it, maybe look at some of the questions in the back for some prompts on exploring those categories with each other. It's not as clinical and boring as it sounds I swear. The questions are actually pretty cool and really illuminating. I'd known John since we were kids, but working through those questions really helped because it was really just like a practical roadmap for taking the next step on strengthening our marriage foundation."
I just nodded, hating the sound of self-help books. Emmett hated that sort of thing too, and I noticed the sour look on his face.
"It's really not one of those corny self-help books I swear. I hate stuff like that." John seemed to read our minds. "And, some people think I'm married to a walking self-help book, but she's at least the real deal and not a phony."
Vera laughed heartily and blushed a light scarlet.
Emmett seemed distantly removed, not responding to this traditional therapist talk very well and honestly, neither was I. I hated feeling like we had a problem...
"It's really practical like she said." John added. "One question was like… How many movies have you watched together over the past six weeks and do you discuss the content of the movie afterward? And that's supposed to get you thinking about intellectual compatibility."
I nodded. Emmett and I were both the kind of people that couldn't sit still long enough for a movie. I don't think we'd ever watched a movie together. We passed that question at least. We were compatible there!
"What's your spiritual background, Rosalie?" Vera asked, this being one of her essential topics.
Luckily, this was an easy one too.
"Emmett and I are both Catholic." I said simply.
Emmett looked down.
Vera nodded.
"And your parents?"
"Mine aren't religious." I responded.
"How did you… find Catholicism then?"
"Emmett." I said, hoping that wasn't a trap of some kind so I decided to elaborate. "During my trial, I realized I needed something bigger than me to believe in."
Emmett looked over at me with wide brown eyes as he listened.
"I… I knew I couldn't keep trying to go at it alone. It was too hard." I swallowed. "I saw how strong Em was. How self-assured… Even before I really knew him, I knew he was brave. I don't remember why, but I thought to ask him if he believed in God, and when he said he did, I immediately connected being unafraid to believing in God."
"That's beautiful." Vera smiled lightly, drying her hands off as she finished with the dishes.
I didn't know what else to say.
Emmett took a deep breath, and I saw something in his eyes as they met mine.
"Will you raise your kids Catholic?"
My heart raced at her question. It was the first time anyone had talked about Emmett and I having kids with such certainty that it took my breath away.
She spoke it into existence, and with my answer, I would confirm it.
Vera had faith that we would have kids. It was something so… fresh, and so terrifying at the same time…
Hope.
I looked to Emmett, but he wasn't looking at me. He hadn't caught the weight of her words like I had.
"I'd like to." I swallowed.
"Were you raised Catholic?" Vera asked Emmett.
He just nodded.
"You seem like you have something to say about this." Vera prompted.
Emmett shrugged.
"I've just been rejecting a lot of that religious stuff lately." Emmett mumbled.
I felt a pit in my stomach thinking about that day at St. Patrick's.
"Let's go sit somewhere more comfortable." Vera suggested, putting a break into the conversation and taking a whining Henry out of my arms.
She passed him off to John and Betsy so they could put him down for a nap, and they bounded up the stairs as we made our way into the sunroom.
It looked much different during the day with light pouring in. It was stunningly beautiful and I saw lots of green plants and growth around the room. Metaphorically, I wished for my own relationship to be as fruitful.
I knew Emmett was struggling with religion, but I didn't know he was rejecting it. It made me nervous. I didn't want to be on different pages on this. I wanted to keep it easy… It was so easy before.
Emmett seemed to sense I was upset by his answer.
"I don't want you to be upset because of what I said." He said under his breath to me.
"I'm not." I lied.
He just sighed exasperatedly.
"I'll try for you, okay?" He compromised and I felt satisfied. "We'll go to Mass in the morning and no matter what, we'll have a christening at St. Patrick's for our kids. I know that's important to you."
"Okay." I smiled lightly as I sat down on the couch from last night.
Emmett didn't catch the weight of his words, but I did and it took my breath.
My mind went back to the certainty of which Vera had asked if we were going to raise our children Catholic… Was I that certain? It had unconsciously rubbed off on Emmett that Vera spoke of our children like they were right here in front of her. Now he did too… They spoke like these children were as real as I was. She was certain, and that certainty was contagious.
'No matter what' he'd said…
Emmett had unconsciously caught that certainty and hope from Vera.
Could I let myself have that hope again?
Would I catch it?
I shook my head, looking down at my folded hands.
No. I couldn't.
"Tell me why you want a family," Vera finally prompted Emmett.
My heart raced.
"Family has always been important to me. And… I know this is a bad reason but…" He trailed off.
"Stay honest." Vera encouraged, and I swallowed the lump in my throat before.
"I want to fix the mistakes my parents made and create a childhood that I didn't have. I want to make a stable home, financially and… otherwise. I want my child to have opportunities I didn't. I want my child to worry about nothing but just being a kid." Emmett bounced his knees nervously, but he was far less reticent than he was yesterday.
"When I was a kid, I worried about my next meal, or the roof over my head caving in, or my father getting killed at a protest, or beating the crap out of my mom, or jumping off a bridge. I just… I want to raise a kid and make things easy for them."
I put my hand on his knee and he stopped bouncing them then looked back up at me.
He sighed, then gave me a little smile.
I watched Vera jotting notes, and I got nervous as I knew my turn was bound to be coming.
"And… And I look at Rosalie, and…" He let out a slow exhale as he took my hand, lacing his fingers through mine reverently. "And, I just want to do everything on earth with her."
My heart fluttered, and I thought about it for a brief, beautiful moment, getting lost in a fantasy that was almost once a reality. I didn't want to do everything on earth with him - I didn't want much - I just wanted to do this one thing.
I dreamed he and I were in Central Park and it was a beautiful spring day. The sunshine warmed our skin, and we sat on a blanket in the grass while a breeze played in the curls of our hair. He kissed my cheek while he brushed my hair behind my ear and leaned over my shoulder to peer down into my arms at the perfect bundle of pink. She had dark curly hair just like her father, and his dimples appeared on her cheeks as she smiled up at me. She looked at me with unconditional love in her big, bright blue eyes, and I grinned back as I adjusted the big satin bow in her hair.
"Rosalie?" Vera pressed, and I knew she'd been waiting by the way she tilted her head to the side as she looked over at me.
I responded easily, vomiting the words of my heart.
"I just want to be a mother." I answered plainly. "I want something to exist in this world that's made up of the best parts of me and Emmett."
Vera stayed quiet.
"I want to love my child unconditionally and think about something bigger than just me. My mother always found a way to put her needs before her own, and I don't want to do that. I couldn't…"
I felt Emmett's fingers tightening around mine as my hands started to tremble.
"And, I want to feel something inside of me, growing and… I had never felt more alive and full of purpose than when I was having a baby." I breathed.
"How do you feel now?" Vera asked.
I mean, she'd done it, and it had to be the same for everyone lucky enough for the privilege. I was frustrated to explain and flustered over my words.
"Empty." I answered, my eyes coming back to earth heavily.