Naruto: What If

by Blade8821

Have you ever tried putting yourself in someone else's shoes? Well, what if you woke up and found yourself in the sandals of the resident emo, Sasuke Uchiha? What would YOU do? Look no further for action, romance, and sarcastic, sardonic, deadpan humor. Prepare to laugh till your cheeks burn! To all my readers, fans and haters, this series has been rewritten. WARNING: Contains MSG

36. Chapter 36 FIRST MOVIE!

Naruto; What If

Fifth Arc; Golden Age

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Chapter 36 - Cold as Ice, Baby

~~Badadumdunbum~~

It was early morning. I awoke with a yawn, gently caressing my bed-mate's violet locks as she dozed atop my chisled pecs.(Admittedly, they weren't quite chisled, but there's no need to tell HER that)

Ah. Another day, another pain in my ass.

What to do, first?

Have to go and see Tsunade, find out what our missions for today are. Should probably have a quick bite to eat before that.

Hmm, heard there was some new movie out in theatres today. Wonder if Naru and Saku would wanna see that?

Ahh, decisions, decisions, decisions.

Before I could come to one, Anko stirred, lifting her head and moving up for our morning liplock. After catching our breath, she asked, "So, what have you got in mind for today?"

"Breakfast, chores, then see about that new movie. My teammates are probably bored out of their skulls, these days. You got anything planned?"

"Unfortunately. I've got a B-rank mission that starts today, supposed to fill in for some poor squad's out-of-commission sensei. Not sure which one, though." Hm.

"Lovely. Well, we'd better get started."

"Mmhm..."

After our morning session,(Heheh, awesome) we both waddled down the stairs and found Kin already munching on a bowl of cereal.

"Mornin' Kin."

"Hn." She grunted a reply, as her mouth was full.

After I got to the kitchen and set about making myself and my girlfriend something quick and delicious,(See; cold cereal) we ate quickly and left, leaving Kin to do as she liked for another day.

Freeloader.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

I walked down the streets of Konoha, heading in the general direction of the Hokage Tower, and soon met up with Naruto, who was walking the same way. "Morning, Sasuke."

"Oy, Naruto. Y'know what we're supposed to do today?"

He shrugged. "Nope. I figured Tsunade-baachan had something planned."

"Great, heard there's some new movie out today. Wanna check that out after we're through with today's chores- I mean, missions?" He shrugged again, indifferent.

"Sounds like a plan. Think Sakura-chan will want to come along?"

"Probably. You gonna go and get Hinata?"

He shook his head with a solemn frown. "No, her team is leaving on a mission this morning. She said they won't be back for two days."

Ouch. "Well, look on the bright side. Now you get to experience masturbation again!"

He leveled a glare at me that would make Danzo flinch, heheh. We walked on for a bit longer before we met Sakura coming out of her house. "Good morning Sasuke, Naruto." She greeted, seeming just a little more upbeat than usual.

"Oy, Pinky."

"Morning, Sakura-chan."

Our traditional morning greetings, usually followed by our sensei showing up and trying to look cool.

...Two hours late.

Anyway, the three of us walked on towards the Tower, making small talk along the way.

"Have you two heard about the new movie?" Sakura asked.

"Aye, we were going to go see it after today's missions."

"Yeah, you coming with us, Sakura-chan?"

She nodded, replying, "Sure. It's the new Princess Gale movie, isn't it?"

Naruto nodded, and the two of them began gushing over their favorite characters. Me? Nah, I was more preoccupied with trying to remember what episode this was.

A short while later, we got to the Tower, walking inside and made our way to the Hokage's office. Instead of assigning us our mission-

"The client isn't ready, yet. Come back in two or three hours. In fact, why don't the three of you go and see that new movie that came out? Let me know if it's any good." The old blonde was basically telling us go and goof off?

What the hell? Is this movie the equivalent of The Ring, or something? Eesh.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Well, we went to the theatre, got tickets,(Out of my pocket, since apparently, I'm Kakashi whenever he isn't around) and went in to the the eight thirty showing. Since chairs are for chumps, the three of us walked up the walls and sat on the ceiling, clinging to it using chakra. That way we'd get some training while we watched the movie.

Now, of course, Naruto being Naruto, he got real into the movie. He was a bit of a dork, when all's said and done, but he had a good heart. "Watch out, Princess! Behind you!"

We only had to get glared at once before I clocked him over the head. Anyway.

The movie wasn't bad. Fight scenes sucked,(Some real ham-to-ham combat) and it had some hammy acting,(Re; ULTRA hammy) but still, a good piece of work. Worth the 150 ryo to get in, anyway.

Y'know what really sucked? Since we were on the ceiling-

We couldn't have popcorn! Damnit, and not even a single snocap.

Jashin damnit.

After the movie, we left, sitting around outside to wait the last half hour under one of the billboards for said movie. While we sat there, Sakura gushed about of the actors, and Naruto sighed about wanting a princess to protect.

I figured I'd remind him that Hinata is the princess of the Hyuga soon enough. Now, after I was no longer upside-down, I vaguely remember this. Sitting around, waiting for something to happen, but what?

"Why do you guys think Tsunade-sama told us to go see this movie?"

Naruto shrugged, and quite suddenly-

*Cloppity-cloppity-cloppity*

We heard something in the distance. "Uhh, did you guys hear that?"

I nodded, already on my feet, checking my gear. I was good to go. Before either of them could react, A woman on a white horse jumped the wooden fence next to us, hauling ass down the alley on our other side.

"...The fuck?" I asked, blinking dumbly.

"No way, was that the princess?!" Sakura was flabberghasted, but then-

Shit. "Move!" I dived, tucked and rolled out of the way of the wooden gate that suddenly flew open, which Naruto barely avoided as dozens of armored soldiers rode through on horseback, tear-assing after the woman on horseback.

"Rrrrgh, you..." Naruto and Sakura were both growling as they got to their feet, and I gave them both a nod.

"Let's show these punks not to fuck around in our village. Naruto, take the rooftops and provide overwatch. Sakura, play decoy and cut 'em off. I'll get the leader."

They nodded, and we were off.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Don't you just love it when a plan comes together? As Naruto shredded a net meant for the woman, I carefully followed the guy wearing robes and sunglasses.

He was giving orders.

Sakura used a transformation and one of my shadow clones to look like the woman in question, tricking the entire mob to follow her while Naruto carefully lead the actual woman along a different route. Very simple, yet exceptionally effective.

Anyway. When Sakura got dogpiled by a half-dozen or so armored soldiers, I took that as my que.

"We've finally got you, princess." The sunglasses-wearing guy said, just as I sunshined right onto the back of his horse, placing a heavy hand on top of his head.

"Yo. So, mind telling me just who you guys are and why you're in our village, before I turn you into a newt?"

I could tell he was blinking, wondering how I'd gotten there. Just then-

The 'princess' they'd captured, turned back into Sakura.

*Beat*

A very pissed-off Sakura.

"Grrraaaaagh!"

After a very brief, very violent episode, many of the armored dorks were now tied up, their faces turned disturbing shades of black and blue. I had custody of their leader, and had him on the ground by the neck.

"Please answer my questions before I get angry. Who the hell are you?"

Quite suddenly-

"What on earth are you guys doing?" A new voice asked, and we looked up to see Kakashi standing before us with one of his arms in a sling.

"Oh, just killing time," I offhandedly replied, as our sensei vanished and reappeared next to me, calmly pulling the guy I had on the ground to his feet. All the ropes we'd binded the goons with were neatly sliced.

Huh.

"I'm very sorry, sir. They haven't been informed of their mission yet, and-"

"Oh, no, it's quite alright. I can see why they thought we weren't of good intentions."

Sakura blinked and asked, "Kakashi-sensei, just who are these guys?"

"Sakura, this is the gentleman who hired us."

And then it clicked.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

We followed Kakashi back to the Tower, while the goons and their employer returned to wherever they were staying. Some warehouse of something.

Anyway.

We got to the tower, and I was wondering where Naruto was, but Kakashi kinda brushed it aside. Not sure why, but I guess he wasn't feeling very talkative with me, anyway. Prick got lucky that I was in a rush, or we'd've found out just whether or not I was on par with him.

Ahem. We entered the Hokage's office, and Kakashi simply bowed, turned, and left.

"Uh, Hokage-sama, is Kakashi-sensei accompanying us on our mission?"

She shook her head. "No. His injuries will prevent him from being in top form, so he'll be sitting this one out. Instead, you'll have a substitute Jounin-sensei along for the ride."

Sakura blinked. "Um, who-" Just then, the door opened, and in walked Anko.

"You called, Hokage-sama?" The purple-haired Jounin asked, slight curiosity in her tone.

"Ah, you're here. Perfect timing. You'll be substituting for Kakashi."

Anko blinked. "Uhh..."(Real eloquent. Though the way her mouth was hanging open, it was kindof arousing, remidned me of when her lips were wrapped around my- Whoops, there goes me zipper)

"I expect you to remain professional. Your mission, is to escort Yukia Fujikaze, the actress best known for her role as Princess Gale, during the filming of her next movie. You'll be going to Yuni no Kuni, so prepare accordingly."

I was putting all this together in my head, when I heard someone's jaw hit the floor. "W-what?! The land of snow? But, Hokage-sama, I-"

Tsunade raised a hand, silencing her. "Enough. I'll hear no excuses, since Kakashi's condition is your fault. If you're concerned about the climate, then pack heavy. That's all I'm going to say. Your client is in warehouse 4, now get going, you're all dismissed."

Her tone brokered no discussion, and Anko hung her head, trudging out with all the enthusiasm of someone heading to the gallows.

Right-o, then.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

I stopped back home, packing up several things I would need for such an expedition. Heavy clothes, an extra blanket and sleeping bag, heavy winter gear, my thicker boots, another cloak, extra rations, fire starting stuff, ect. Most of this went into a scroll, that went into one of my pouches. Then I snagged my travelling rucksack, slung that over my shoulder, and was on my way out, when I remembered Kin.

"Oy, Kin!"

Her head popped out from around the corner of the living room. "Huh?"

"I'm going on a mission to Yuki no Kuni, probably won't be back for a week or more. Grocery money's on the table, as well as a little something to go out and get yourself new clothes. Don't burn the house down, please!" And I was gone.

Time to move out.

Some time later, I arrived at the warehouse, shortly followed by Sakura. We stood at the door for a few moments, before I heard familiar grumbling in the distance.

I turned and glanced in that direction, and saw Anko stomping along, a heavy pack on her back and several layers of thick winter clothing on her body. Heheh, I guess she really doesn't like the cold.

When she got up to us, I said, "So, not looking forward to a bit of fun in the snow, eh?"

"Fuck. You." I chuckled at her irritation.

"Heheh, I'll take that as a no. C'mon, let's go and meet our client." Sakura pushed the door open, and the three of us walked inside, looking around for the guy with sunglasses.

We found him, talking with some old guy smoking a pipe. When we got within earshot, he turned to us, running right up into our faces. "Have you seen Miss Fujikaze? She hasn't shown up since running off!"

I blinked. "Uh, okay. Naruto was looking after her, so, any idea where she'd go?"

He blinked, then sighed, rubbing his temples. "I need the location of every bar in the village."

Anko and I looked at each other.

"...I think I know where she is."

Anko lead us to a small dive in some back alley. It wasn't crowded; probably never was or will be.

Inside, I saw that woman again, sitting at the bar, drinking sake. Next to her, looking fairly annoyed, was Naruto. I thought I saw several splinters in his hair, too. Heh, wonder if she beaned him with a 2x4?

Well, we entered, and the old guy ran up and started pleading with the broad, while Naruto harumphed and grumbled. I sidled up to him and said, "Er, Naruto, we're gonna have to go with them to the land of snow. You might wanna run back home and pack up a few things."

He blinked, saw Anko wearing a ton of clothing, and then hauled ass out of there, just as Yukia passed out.

Huh.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

What's his face, Mr. Sangaiyu, Sandaiyu, whatever his name is, had myself and Anko carry Yukia back to the boat we were taking to Yuki no Kuni. They were going to leave the moment she was on board, but a few choice words from myself and Anko forced them to delay our departure for a few minutes.

When the blonde showed up, he had a huge pack and Samehada on his back, and right after they pulled up the gangplank, we were underway. They had two small cabins for us shinobi to occupy for the trip, which I thought was fairly generous with how small the ship was. Anyway.

On board, Naruto cast a glance at Anko before giving me a hard stare. "You had something to do with this, didn't you."

I shrugged off his accusation. "Not this time. Kakashi's got a busted arm, and since Anko busted it, she's filling in for him. Probably since she's the only available Jounin, and we're the only team ready to take on a mission. But hey, I won't look good fortune in the mouth, ya?" Grinning, I noticed that his expression was-

Less than enthused.

"Just make sure you two are actually doing your jobs. And don't rock the boat too much tonight!" Good old Naruto.

"No promises, mate!"

After settling in, there was a strange confusion in the air. "Uh, Anko-sensei, didn't they give us two cabins to seperate the boys from the girls?"

Knowing Anko-

"Oh no, not at all. It's to seperate the sensei from the students. So go on, you're bedding down with your teammates." Quite suddenly, Sakura's sour gaze was upon me.

"So THAT'S what you meant when you said she was 'older.' " Oh. She figured it out already?(Holy crap) I couldn't help sweatdropping as Sakura facepalmed, and Anko blushed. "Fine, I won't say anything, but if you two keep me up late, I'll throw you both over the side."

Anko and I shared a look as Sakura walked out, shaking her head.

"So... Am I the only one in complete shock over this?"

My girlfriend shook her head. "Not at all. I was expecting her to throw a fit."

We both shrugged. "Well, I'm not going to look a gift lion in the mouth."

She smiled. "You got that right. C'mere!"

And, unfortunately for Naruto, we rocked that boat thoughout the night.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

The next day, we were up and about, helping the crew with construction of the set. Naruto and I created dozens of shadow clones, which were able to complete tasks that took hours, in mere minutes. Anko spent much of her time shivering in her parka, sipping from a thermos of hot chocolate. It was a bit chilly out, I admit, but it didn't bother me in the slightest. Then again, I was wearing gloves, boots, and a thick winter cloak.(It was oversized and arctic camoflaged, too, making me nearly invisible in the snow)

After we'd finished construction, our team sat back and watching the filming as it progressed. I sidled up to Anko and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in and under my cloak.

I think she appreciated it, judging from her smile and the way she snaked an arm around my waist, coming as close as possible without looking too much like a couple.

Naruto and Sakura both sent us looks, but Naruto's was more of a heartwarming gesture, whereas Sakura's basically said, No hanky-panky in public.

We weren't planning any of that anyway, but we probably couldn't gotten away with it. After all, both our bodies were engulfed in my cloak.(It would've fit Ibiki's frame perfectly, but for me I had to triple-wrap the bit around my neck and face)

It took a good few minutes, but Anko eventually stopped shivering, cuddling herself closer to me. Heh, I probably looked like the good student, the one who cared for his ailing sensei. That, or a womanizer who was lusting after his sensei. Eh, either way, they were both right.

The day was spent shooting two scenes over and over, until Yukia got it perfect. Her friend/manager was right; she was a born actress. And a diva.

After it ended, we all got a bit to eat in the galley, before bunking down for the night.

At least this time, we remembered the sound-suppressing seals.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

"MISTER BOUKINO! WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM!"

I was jarred awake by a shout that shook the entire ship, instinctively rolling out of-

*THUMPK!*

Ow. Bed.

"...That really hurt, y'know." Incidentally, I took Anko with me, and she was still under me.

I just now noticed something; a very warm, wet feeling engulfing my-

Oh. OH!

We were, ah, still connected. We'd fallen asleep like that only a few hours ago, too. Man, my balls were sore.

"Sorry. Ah, could you...?"

"Yeah, lemme just-"

"Ooh! Oh... Ohh, yeah... "

"Ah... Right there-"

*Sla-BANG!*

We both gave a start as our door flew open, and in the doorway, stood Sakura.(Thankfully, we took the blankets with us when we fell) "Would you two quit screwing around? Something's wrong."

"Er, right. We were trying not to, and-"

"Yeah, y'see..."

She interrupted our half-assed excuses. "Whatever. Just get up and keep it in your pants."

"Right."

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Welp, accidental morning session interrupted, we both got military and dressed in under a minute. Mostly because we knew that if we started ogling each other, we'd start up again, and next time, Sakura would probably follow through on her threat.

Anyway.

Out on deck, the entire crew was looking sleepy, most of them in their pajamas. Ahead of the group was the director and his first mate, or whatever his role is. He was whining to the director about the massive iceberg in front of the ship, which seemed to have appeared overnight.

Then the director began shouting about how great this was, and how he was changing everything. Man, he's really good at his job, but he's sure got some huge-ass bunny ears.

It took a few minutes for us to dock and drop anchor, and then several more to unload everything we needed for the shoot. Eesh, I would've minded so much if not for the fact that Anko was clinging to me as if her life depended on it, her teeth chattering loud enough to echo. Normally this wouldn't be a bad thing, since her breasts would be comfortably pressed against my side, but I was trying to remain professional, and that's very difficult when I've got her lovely assets pressed against my side.

Yes, that makes me a hypocrite. What of it?

Anyway.

They started filming, and as the scene was starting to play out, I noticed something. The hair on the back of my neck was on end. My instincts were warning me that something was wrong, but what?

I surged my chakra, activating my sharingan as I looked around us.

Wait, up there.

Near the top of the iceberg, there was something in the snow. It reflected the light, if only a little.

Like-

Like steel.

"Anko." One word, and she immediately stopped shivering, before taking a glance at what I'd been looking at.

"Think that's...?"

"Yes." She nodded, disengaging herself from me, looking around the area...

Just as the scene they were filming was just about to really take off, movement up top caught my attention. So it seems there was someone up there after all, and if they were spying on us, they weren't friendly.

Just what were they-?

A slight reflection of the sunlight shined for an instant, and I went with my first instinct.

"HOSTILES!" In an instant, I was in front of our priority client, hurling a kunai with an explosive tag straight where that reflection had been. I remember this.

But just, where?

~~Badadumdunbum~~

As the explosive impacted the ice and detonated, Anko shouted to the civillians, "EVERYONE! Back on the ship! Move!"

The film crew was stunned, staring at us ninjas as we scurried about, searching for our enemies.

"Ha ha ha! Impressive," A vice sounded, seemingly from everywhere. Right where the tag had hit, a figure emerged from the snow. "Friends... Welcome, to the land of snow." Bah, what a ham.

Nearby atop a mountain of ice, a second figure appeared. "Greetings, princess Koyuki. I do hope you've brought the hex crystal." This one was far more feminine.

Koyuki? Bah, it means bunk to me. If they're here for something, then they're simple targets. Nothing more, nothing less.

Fuck 'em.

A third, massive figure emerged from the snow on my far right; a bear of a man. "Hah! A mere child... Nadarei! You're getting sloppy."

Hm. Three targets, all shinobi, wearing hitai-ate of Yuki no Kuni. And all of them were wearing some kind of armor; it radiated with chakra.

Hmph. Not good.

As the central enemy, probably the leader, began giving orders, I shouted to my team. "TEAM! PLAN DELTA!" Two protect the client/objective, whereas I'll be doing my best to tear the enemy apart, and the other switches in between.

Naruto and Sakura both stood next to Yukia, or Koyuki, whichever was her real name, while I rushed right for the enemy leader.

Anko was off to intercept the enemy kunoichi, leaving fatso for Naru and Saku. Hmph. Good enough.

As I ran up the wall of ice, I ran into Nadarei. "So... A whelp of the Uchiha. Must be my lucky day."

I chuckled, low and throaty. "Really? You must be a masochist, then. Hope you've enjoyed your time here in the cold, 'cuz I hear hell is mighty warm."

My hands came together, as I summoned a dozen shadow clones, dashing right for the bastard, drawing my sword.

He flicked through handseals, backflipping as he shouted, "Ice style! Dragon versus tiger!"

And just behind him, appeared a massive column of ice in the visage of a tiger as it roared, and descended upon me!

In the instant that followed, my chakra surged, and my hands moved faster than I could imagine, relying simply on muscle memory.

"Chidori!"

That palm-sized ball of pure lightning formed in my hand, outstretched as I leapt straight into that tiger's maw, and went straight through it. Everything touched by that power melted and divided, as I flew through it like a white-hot knife through butter.

By the time I went all the way through and touched down again, my clones were upon my enemy. He dispelled two, but was having difficulty fighting the rest.

Now.

I shunshined, landing just behind him, sword raised, as I brought it down and neatly carved him in two.

Substitution-Ice clone. Dropping to the ground,I kicked my leg back, catching the bastard right on the chin just as he was about to hit me from behind.

"Kuh! Not bad, brat."

"Feh, you think that's good..." Channel it, focus. I surged my chakra, taking my stance, forcing it to dance through my arms, down my blade.

My sword crackled with lightning-nature chakra, just as Nadarei's eyes narrowed.

"Hmph... You're as bad as Kakashi. But you don't seem to have mastered the use of those eyes your clan is so famous for."

Oh? He's fought sensei? I smirked, just as I shunshined and swung. He just barely dodged, my extended reach landing a shallow scratch on his left gauntlet.

"If you think fighting Kakashi was difficult, then you don't stand a chance." In the two seconds it took him to comprehend that statement, my plan came to fruition. Three of my clones had hidden themselves in the ice, two of which suddenly burst through, grabbing his ankles, while the third came up, slicing a deep gash in his leg before he was able to get away.

"Hmph. You can't just give up and go away? I mean, I can do this all day!"

His eyes narrowed again, but before he could respond, I heard fighting down below.

A quick glance-

Naruto was fine, Samehada in hand, but Sakura had gotten thrown around like a ragdoll. Man, I do not have time for this.

Anko had fended off the enemy kunoichi, and was moving to assist the other two. The princess was still on the ground, looking shaken, while her toady was next to her.

Shiiiit.

When my gaze turned back to Nadarei, he was-

FUCK!

I barely had time to lean back, his kunai slicing a thin line across my cheek. No time to think; act.

Up, over. Grab, draw, stab.

All in a heartbeat, but in that eyeblink of time, I had immobilised his arm, drew my knife, and stabbed him in the gut. Not fatal, but very painful. It would slow him down.

I gave him a kick in the gut to springboard myself off the ledge, flipping myself over, sticking myself to the ice wall as I slid down, ending that ride by kicking off and using my momentum to land a mighty kick to the fat bastard's face before he could finish off Sakura.

As he hit the ground and slid, Anko landed next to Naruto, effortlessly picking up the princess as Naruto grabbed the old guy.

Good, they knew.

I grabbed a fistfull of Sakura's shirt, pulling her up as I hauled ass towards the ship.

"Argh...! Where do you think you're going?! Ice style! White whale jutsu!" The enemy leader yelled behind us, just as-

Holy...

Under our feet, the ice cracked and split, a massive whale of ice flying overhead, bellyfloping through the entie iceberg, leaving a massive, eighty foot gap between us, and the ship. Great.

"Over the water! Move move move!" Naruto and Anko were both already on the water, running across it as fast as their legs could carry them.

I was close behind, forming a half-assed seal. "Shadow clone jutsu! Delay them!"

My half-dozen clones nodded in uniformity, rushing towards the enemy with the intent of delaying them. In that respect, three of them formed handseals, using fireballs to create a wall of impassible flame for a few moments. The other three were engaging the snow ninjas in hand-to-hand.

Good enough.

If there's one good thing about the enemy having that armor, it was heavy and made pursuit difficult. They won't chase us, I hope. At least, not until we have time to prepare...

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Back on the ship, I dumped my charge on the floor, giving her a once over. Sakura had a slight knot on her head, but nothing serious. She'd be fine.

With a sigh, I lifted her into my arms and carried her down below deck, leaving her in her rack to sleep it off. After that, I returned topside, looking back to where the enemy was. The three of them were still standing on the ice, staring at us as we faded away into the horizon.

Hmph.

Turning, I looked around the ship for Naruto and Anko, finding the blonde boy leaning against a wall, looking irritated. "Naruto. You alright?"

He looked up, and smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just who were those guys?" I shrugged.

"Dunno. They're after Yukia, or Koyuki, or whatever she calls herself. That and something called the hex crystal... Whatever the bloody hell that is. I intend to find out the moment she wakes up."

He nodded, frowning again. "Is Sakura alright?"

"She should be fine, I think. They just knocked her over the head, so hopefully she'll be back up and pissed in a few hours." Just then, the door below opened, and out walked Sakura, grumbling as she rubbed the back of her head. "Oh. Well, speak of the devil. You feeling alright?" She nodded, still rubbing her sore noggin.

"Yeah, just a killer headache. Do either of you know who-"

"No." Both Naruto and I said together, making her blink.

"We were just brainstorming who they were. Ninjas of Yuki no Kuni, and they were after Yukia/Koyuki, along with something called the hex crystal. At least one of those three ninjas was a Jounin, Nadarei. I didn't catch the others' names, but what rank would you guys guess they were?"

Sakura frowned, holding her chin in one of her 'thinking' poses. "...High Chuunin, I think, but their chakra levels were those of Jounin. I think it had something to do with their armor." I nodded.

"I was thinking the same thing. Either way, they're dangerous in this terrain, as they specialize in ice jutsu. Either of you see Anko?"

Both Naruto and Sakura shared a look. It was kindof Sardonic, as if they were thinking, 'Here we go again.'

Huh.

"Yeah, I think I saw her heading into her cabin." Naruto said, sounding like he was deciding whether or not to tell the whole truth.

I didn't like it, not one bit. "Okay... Thanks. I'll see you guys in a bit. Oh, and if you can, corner the old guy and find out what he knows. He's hiding something." As I walked inside, I heard both Naruto and Sakura having a very quiet discussion.

Not sure what it was about, but whatever.

Down below deck, I made my way to the cabin Anko and I had shared, and inside, I found her curled up in bed, shivering for all she was worth.

Aha, so that's what they meant.

Sigh.

I removed my cloak, then my gear, my armor, my weapons, dropping them to the floor to dry, they were closely followed by my soaked clothes. I'd let them dry for awhile, maybe change over to one of my spare outfits. That done, I crawled into bed, snuggling up my my chilled, frostbitten girlfriend, holding her close.

"H-h-heh-ey." She was still shivering, still shaking.

"Mm... You keep chattering your teeth, you'll bite your tongue. You okay?"

"N-n-n-no-o...T-too c-c-c-c-cooold." Even huddled up like this, several blankets over us, her body was still cool to the touch.

Damnit.

I sighed, building up more chakra, though the effort of it was taxing. I'd used up quite a bit fighting those bastards. Channeling natured chakra through my weapon was more difficult than I'd first thought it would be; it bled off too much energy for me to use effectively yet.

Within moments, I could feel Anko's shivering slow, then stop, as her body warmed up even more. After a few minutes she opened her eyes, smiling as she kissed me. "Thank you."

"It's what I do. Are you going to be alright?"

"So long as I warm up every couple of hours."

No objections here, but-

"Why are you so adverse to cold? At first I thought you just didn't like it, but this is excessive."

She was silent for a solid minute. "This seal," She touched her shoulder, where her curse seal was. "It changed me, made me more like... Him. Now I'm akin to a snake, and just as vulnerable to low temperatures. I... I can't even have any children of my own..."

"Ah... I'm sorry to hear that. Hey. Let me warm you up." Our lips touched, as my hand drifted further, and further down.

"Mm, you sure about that? The others are probably expecting you."

Others? Pfft, that can get along without me for a few minutes... Or hours. "Fuck 'em."

She chuckled, wrapping her arms around the back of my neck, pulling me closer. "Shouldn't that be fuck me?"

Touche.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Two hours later

After we finished and she was sufficiently warm, or filled with my warmth, as she so coyly stated, we both dressed and walked out, right into the crossfire.

Naruto stood there outside our door with a smirk, as he turned to Sakura and held out his hand "Told you so. Pay up." The pinkette scowled, grumbling as she fished her wallet out of her bag, handing him a wad of ryo notes.

Huh?

Wait.

Oh. Well, fuck. "Nice to see someone's having fun betting on my lovelife."

Naruto chuckled as he counted the money she'd given him. "Oh, just taking advantage of her generosity."

Hmph, more like making money hand over fist. Anko had facepalmed, shaking her head. 'I should have known better.'

"Well, antics aside, did you two find out anything from the old man? Sandaiyu, or whatever his name is?"

Naruto nodded. "A lot. You're gonna wanna hear it from him."

"Lovely. Has little miss priss woken up yet?" Both of them shook their heads. "Good, gives me time to plan. Anko, you got anything to add?"

"Yeah, those ninjas were a cohesive unit from a village. This is a B-rank mission, and fighting Jounin isn't what we're prepared for. And it definately isn't what we're being paid for. Any of you feel like turning back?"

All three of us shook our heads, and Anko sighed. "Well, I tried. Let's go see what the hell he has to say about all that." And we turned, looking to find our client and gave him a piece of our minds.

We found and cornered the old guy just outside of the princess' cabin, at which point Anko put on her cheerfull I will maim you if you lie to me face, and threw him up against the wall.

"Hello, mister Sangaiyu. Would you mind answering a few questions?"

Seeing as he had four ninjas surrounding him, none of them looking exactly friendly, he didn't have much choice. "...Very well. What is it you wish to know?"

"First of all, who are we really guarding? Second, why are Snow ninjas after her, and third, what is it they really want?" I summed all that up lickity-split.

"Princess Koyuki Kazehana, heir to the throne of Yuki no Kuni." All four of us blinked.

Then exchanged looks, having an entire conversation in complete silence.

"Princess? Wha?" Sakura.

"That explains the Snow ninjas," Anko.

"And the secrecy." Myself.

"SHE'S A REAL PRINCESS?!" You don't need to be told whose expressions said this.

"SHUT UP, DOBE!" Because the other three of us shouted at his dumb ass.

In silence.

Sandaiyu simply blinked, and watched as we bickered on without saying a word.

Until, "Ahem."

We all looked at him, four piercing stares on his person. "Yes?" And we all spoke as one, just to up the ante on the creepiness factor.

"Your second question?"

"Right. Go on."

"The Snow ninjas are followers of Doto; he is the brother to Yuki no Kuni's last lord. He masterminded a coup de'tat ten years ago, killing his brother and taking the throne for himself. He had attempted to kill everyone, even the princess, but- I found out sometime later that she survived."

We took all that in, drawing our conclusions. "In other words, you're apart of whatever resistance remains, and you believe that having your princess back will help bring you victory over Doto. Nice. Ladies, we've just stepped into one royal pile of shit." Anko summed it up, wrapping it all in a nice bright pink bow.

I cut in with what was bothering me personally. "But what is it Doto wants? If he'd been trying to kill Koyuki, he likely would have succeeded this time. They were instead trying to capture her alive; why?" The old man was quiet for a time. "If you don't tell me, I'll drag it out of the girl myself," I warned, my tone brokering no arguement.

"...The last treasure of the Kazehana clan. The hex crystal."

My team shared another look. "Alright, I'll bite. What is it?"

"The necklace she wears, it unlocks the hidden treasure of the Kazehana. Even I don't know exactly what it is, but- Doto will do anything to get his hands on it."

Her necklace? That tacky thing? Huh. Well, I wonder if I should-

Heheh. Now, what would Kakashi do in this situation?

Bait and switch.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

"Keep him here. I'm going to confirm this information." I left old Sandaiyu in my team's loving care,(Particularly Anko's) and strolled into the princess' cabin, silently gliding over to ther dresser by her bed. On it, sat her necklace; the hex crystal, or whatever it was.

I stared hard at the girl, trying to find any signs of her feigning sleep. None. Even breathing, no eye movement, no tense muscles. Hm. I gently picked up the crystal, activating my sharingan and giving it a careful inspection.

After a full minute, I placed it in my pouch and retrieved a small glass phile; a stink bomb. After carefully threading a bit of cord through it, I formed a handseal and concentrated on the mental image I had of the crystal.

Within moments, I felt the henge take form, changing the practical joke into the item that woman treasured. Heheheheheheh, oh, if Doto ever gets his hands on it, he is going to be pissed. I carefully set it down where it had been before, turning and silently walking towards the door, when I heard a soft voice call out.

"Wait."

I stopped. Hm? Had she been awake? Turning, I cast a baleful eye towards my charge. She was sitting up, glaring at my back. "Yes?"

"You're one of those ninja. Why are you in here?"

"Simply making sure you hadn't swallowed your tongue... Or a knife. Go back to sleep, someone will fetch you when we reach land, Koyuki."

I made to leave, just before she could jump up and grab me. Man, I've really got rotten luck with women, ne?

After shutting the door, I found my team still keeping Sandaiyu from moving. "Sakura, gather the director and head of the film crew in the galley. We need to tell them what's going on." The pinkette nodded, turning to set about her task.

Naruto and Anko were both already moving towards the galley, pulling Sandaiyu along for the ride.

Well, this is going to be a pain in the ass.

After the old man explained what had happened, along with profusely apologising for his deception, the director okay'd the continuation of the film, taking it as the greatest opportunity to make a movie with a real princess, the 'princess' in question showed up.

Cue the old man toadying to her, begging her return to her people, and lead them to prosperity.

She declined. Not very politely.

And then Naruto jumped to his feet, spewing something inspiring about never giving up, that Doto is as human as anyone, that there is no fate, we don't know until we try, that sorta thing.

He really doesn't know when to give it a rest. Therapy no jutsu, or Guilt-Trip no jutsu?

I can't tell which.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Some few hours later, we made landfall, disembarking the ship and loading up into motorized sled-cars. Pretty neat, they were. Kinda reminded me of riding a train.

Anyway. In our car, Sandaiyu remarked something about railroad tracks being buried under layers of ice, as Naruto stared hard out the window. We'd just made a pit-stop so several of us could go and take a piss, which was rather dangerous. It fucking froze halfway up the stream! I nearly had a dickcicle!

...Though it wouldn't be so bad, truth be told. Pretty sure Anko would warm me up and melt away the ice. With her mouth, that is.

But, ah, ahem. Anyway, after passing through a cave, we stopped just on the other side of it, our convoy setting up for another filming, just then-

One of the film crew ran up to the director, shouting about a problem.

Another one.

Turns out, our princess scurried off on her own, intending to run away again.

Ugh, great.

"Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura! Spread out and search! Radio in if you find her!" Anko shouted, taking off on her own, hypothermia be damned. We all hopped down the cliffside, ready to go find Koyuki, when I thought,

'Wait. I'd better leave a clone here in case something happens.' So my shadow clone stood next to the cave, keeping an eye on the film crew. It would be better than nothing.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

I spent half an hour scouring the area, when my clone dispelled, showing me-

That the rails had been thawed out by chakra.

Shit. Not good. I hauled ass back, shunshining half-kilometres at a time, skidding to a stop just outside the cave. I could hear something inside, something unnatural.

"-mn...om on... come on." Is that- Naruto?

"Come on... Come on. Come on, come on, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! COME ON COME ON C'MON MOTHERFUCKER! CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!"

The fuck? WHOA!

I had to very quickly dive aside, as a bright light appeared in the cave, rounding a corner, moving fast!

Ahead of it, was a silhouette.

When I hit the snow and looked up, I saw Naruto dive out of the cave and to the side, Koyuki holding tightly to his back. Not a second later, a massive train whooshed by, moving faster than I'd thought possible.

After a moment, I sat up and got to my feet, walking over to where Naruto was lying on the ground, panting.

"Oy, Naruto." He opened his eyes, staring up at me. "What're you doing sleeping on the job? C'mon, we've got work to do."

He nodded, grinning, putting his hand up. I took it, pulling my friend to his feet, just before he did the same for the princess.

Not a hundred metres away from us, the train had come to a dead stop, and on the end of it stood a bear of a man with a lined face, and shoulder-length hair. Huh. Judging by the fancy kimono, he must be Doto. Doesn't look like much to me. I activated my sharingan, taking a closer-

Whoa.

His chakra was immense, and yet, unnatural; the very same as those Snow ninjas. Damn. Chakra armor, at a guess. Hmph.

"It's been a long time, Koyuki," A voice sounded, loudly, though a megaphone.

Doto, I assume, he's got a mic in his hand. Next to him, was that Snow ninja, Nadarei. Hmph. He still had a bandage across his midsection. I guess he hadn't healed completely, yet.

I reached up, touching my radio.

"Anko, Sakura. Set up explosives on the wooden bridge ahead of the convoy. Detonate when the first train car gets across."

Anko came back over the headset. "Gotcha. We'll need three mikes."

Three minutes? Yeah, I think he'll keep talking for three minutes. "Roger that. Naruto." My teammate looked at me. "You heard Anko. We need to keep this asshat talking for three minutes. Think you and princess over there can do that?"

He smirked. "Heh, yeah... That won't be much of a problem. Look." He pointed up the hill, and just as I looked, several massive logs came flying down that hill like an avalanche, smashing into the side of the train. Doto calmly glanced in that direction, seemingly unperturbed.

Up atop the hill, stood dozens of men in armor, wielding swords and spears, bows and farming tools. Uh-oh; a militia like that stands no chance against ninjas.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

"Naruto."

"Yeah, I know."

We both nodded, and he stepped closer to Koyuki, while I shunshined away.

I only hope it's in my power to prevent whatever attack these bastards have up their fancy sleeves.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

I landed ahead of the militia troops just as they started charging down the hill. In front of me-

The side-panels of the train opened, and on top of it, sat turrets of some kind, armed by Snow ninjas.

"Aw, SHIT!" My hands came together; I only had a few moments. "Oh, I do not have time for this. Earth style! Earth wall jutsu!" Tiger, Hare, Boar, Dog.

And as I gathered enough chakra to put Kakashi to shame, I slammed both hands through the snow, impacting the earth itself.

'Be strong, be stubborn. Be as unforgiving as the earth you move!'

And move, it did. For a quarter of a kilometre in either direction, the stone rose, four feet thick, twenty feet high. Heh, Jackson would be proud.

Ulgh...! Damn. So- Tired. Ugh.

My gut hurts... Shit.

As I stood there panting, I could feel it. My chakra was flowing through the wall, deflecting nearly a thousand kunai that impacted its surface.

I could hear gasps coming from behind me, as the militiamen gaped at the power of a ninja. For half a minute, the enemy kept firing kunai and shuriken, but when they finally stopped, I could hear the enemy also vocalising their concern.

Heh, showtime. I hopped atop my wall, surging what little chakra I had left. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

"IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, glaring at every one of the enemy gunners.

There were nearly a dozen of them, all shocked to see that a child, a mere Genin, was the one to create such a massive earth jutsu.

It seems I owe Kakashi for that. He insisted that I learn how to create larger, stronger walls in case I needed to protect more people than just myself.

Doto himself was still standing on his train car, looking thoughtful. He was saying something-

Out of the blue, an explosion rocked the mountain, and an avalanche came down, burying the train engine in snow and ice. Before I could make a decision, the train started moving, powering through the snow, heading for the bridge.

Heh, so that's their plan.

I hopped down, flipping off Doto as he clambored into his train. Heheheheheh, this would be good.

The train passed over the bridge, and just as the first car cleared-

*BA-BOOMSH!*

Ha ha ha! The bridge detonated, dropping the entire thing down the cliff.

Hm? Why that cowardly sack of shit! The first car disconnected from the rest, dropping all but the lead down the cliff, and everyone inside to their deaths.

Hmph. Guess who's not getting the Boss of the Year award?

What was left of the train pulled off into the distance, and I plopped down on my ass.

"Ugh, man am I tired," I felt like taking a nap right here. Just lie down, close my eyes, and wake up when spring gets here.

"Sasuke!" Naruto ran over, grinning like mad.

"That was awesome! When did you learn how to do THAT?!"

I barely had the energy to shrug. "Training period for the Chuunin exams. Damn, well, they're gone at least. Now I can take a nap-"

"Sasuke!" Or not.

Jashin damnit.

I turned to look, just as Anko glomped me. Ow.

"You shouldn't have done something so stupid..." She spoke quietly, sounding more like an older sister than a lover.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, now leggo before you break me in two." Her hold loosened, and she pulled me up with her.

I swayed on my feet for a moment, before reaching for my bag. Ack, I packed soldier pills in here somewhere. I retrieved the small pouch, dropping one of the pills in my palm.

"Huh, wonder if these're any good." Bottoms up.

I popped in in my mouth, biting down and swallowing the powder. Eugh, nasty tasting, but-

. . .

Whoa-ho-ho!

They weren't kiding when they said it was fast-acting! I felt like I'd just downed a pot of coffee with a half-dozen packs of sugar in it.

Anko quirked an eyebrow, that coy little smirk of hers taunting me, "Oh? You get your second wind yet?"

I returned her smirk. "Oh, you know me. Always ready to go again." I could hear Naruto snort a laugh, while Sakura made retching noises as she approached.

"You two are worse than Kakashi-sensei and his perverted books. At least he doesn't read out loud!"

Just then, Naruto busted out laughing.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

For a few minutes, the resistance fighters crowded and crowed their returned princess, and the film crew came out of hiding. Apparently, they'd gotten that entire incident on camera, and I was a big hit. Heh, hot damn. While I was hamming it up, something happened.

Naruto was staring at something rising up over the cliffside, and when I turned to look, a metal claw shot out of it, latching onto the princess before reeling her in like a prize catfish.

Fuck me sideways. Nothing's ever simple, is it?

Naruto was already running for the edge of the cliff, a grappling hook in hand. Me? I was hauling ass, jumped over the edge, and just as I started to fall-

'Focus chakra in the feet; solidify it, condense it, make it as tough as possible, and kick off!'

I kicked off a makeshift platform of chakra, shunshining as far up as possible, tomahawk in hand. I rose, higher and higher, until I got within three feet of the zepplin, and swung. My axe bit into the steel, giving me a hold. Naruto was hanging onto a rope that he'd tied off the rail of the thing. I gave him a thumbs up, which he returned. We had to get inside this thing, and take it down.

With my off hand, I drew my sword, and starting cutting my way inside, while Naruto summoned dozens of shadow clones, and began climbing his way inside.

Alright; time to crash this party.

Man, the inside of this place was like a luxury train car. In fact, it was. Heheh.

I hid inside the vents, sealing my sword into a scroll. This was a time for stealth and planning, not reckless heroism. It's not like I can fly, after all.

After carefully crawling for several minutes, I could hear something; voices, and screaming. The screams sounded suspiciously like Naruto. Not good.

"...Now, then. I'll take the hex crystal if you don't mind." Hm? Doto.

After a moment,

"Ohh... Hm? What is this?" The sounds of a commotion followed, complimented by a loud *SLAP!* sound. "This isn't a game! You think I don't know this is a FAKE?!"

"What?! No... That's impossible, I-" The sound of Koyuki, followed by a sharp intake of breath. "...That ninja!"

"Damn."

"Hmph, so that brat knew, all along." Nadarei remarked, sounding oddly bored and slightly annoyed.

"Don't worry, we'll have him rounded up in no time at all." A feminine voice, but it was harsh and dripping with false kindness; that kunoichi.

"Don't bother. Why chase after him? So long as we've got his friend, he'll come to us. Mwaheheheheh." The sound of glass cracking ensued, quickly followed by sniffing.

"Uh, boss, was that you?" The big guy, whatshisface, asked, as the sound of feet quietly shuffling was heard. They were edging away from their employer, and Koyuki was giggling. Just then, I heard snickering.

Naruto-style snickering. "Heheheh... That's just like Sasuke. Hey, Doto. Man, you stink. What, didja go and shit yourself?"

The sounds of a brutal beating followed, though he laughed through it all. Man, that kid's got balls of steel.

Some time later, maybe an hour, maybe two, the zepplin landed, and most everyone exited. I waited a good ten minutes, then crawled out of my hiding space, and set about acquiring myself a disguise.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

I'll skip the boring details of how I got into the place, but it went something like this; I found a lone guard sweeping in a secluded area, and henged myself into Koyuki Kazehana.

Minus the coat and pants.

Then I sidled up to the poor bastard, sneaking right up on him, and whispered a few sweet nothings in his ear.

"Oh, please help me, big boy! Now that Doto has the hex crystal, he has no need for me. Please, help me get out of here... I'll make it worth your while."

His boner was tearing through his pants, I coulda sworn he was about to jizz himself. But I digress. A quick grab, one-two twist, and his neck was broken. Poor bastard. Poor, poor, horny bastard.

So! I stripped and henged into him, threw his clothes over mine, and dropped him down a shaft. He wouldn't be found few weeks, since his body wouldn't start to rot for a good while with these temperatures.

Anyway. After acquiring a decent disguise, I whistled as I walked, heading for the lowest pit I could find in this place, to work my way up as I searched for Naruto, then the princess.

Took me a good hour and a half, but I found the blonde blockhead. He was in a cell, chained to the ceiling and the floor, with an electrical trap tag on the bars of the cell itself. Man, they really went all out.

As I stood outside his cell, looking about, I saw the princess herself in the cell opposite Naruto's. Hm.

Well, time for drastic measures. I peeled off the tag, plucking my lockpicks from my pocket, and set to work on the door.

Naruto was hanging there, glaring at me as I worked. He opened his mouth to say something, when I put a made a be-quiet gesture. "Shh, or I'll leave you here, Dobe."

His eyes widened, and I swear, the light shined differently on him.

"Sasuke-" He whispered, grinning like mad.

"The one and only."

*Ka-chk!* And the door was now unlocked. I pushed it open, stepping inside and looking over the chains that bound my buddy.

"Not gonna be able to pick this in a hurry. Welp, I was getting tired of stealth anyway." I reached under my disguise, drawing my tomahawk.

"Sit still, or this might hurt."

One minute later

The final bond clanged to the floor, and now he was free, rubbing his wrists. I reached behind me, pulling off the pouch of his that I'd 'liberated' on my way down, and returned it to him.

"Hm? The hell's that thing? A new fashion accessory?" I noted the device tacked to his chest, which he glowered at.

"Dunno. Wierd thing that keeps sapping my chakra."

"...Gimme ten seconds."

Eight seconds later

I had the device off, and my hands were slightly burned. Whatever it was, it wasn't kid-friendly. I smashed what was left of it with my tomahawk, then turned to leave.

"Oh, before I forget," I pulled my sword-scroll out, and unsealed Samehada. I'd gotten it off a guy who had bandaged hands when I'd retrieved Naruto's gear. "This thing wouldn't quit humping my leg until I got him back to you."

Naruto beamed. "Sharky!"

Okay, then

He retook his weapon, rubbing it and hugging it and calling it George.

Now that we were rearmed and ready, we left his cell and worked on getting the princess out of hers. Didn't take long. After I ripped the chains off her, she glared at me.

"You took my hex crystal, didn't you?" She accused, looking pissed.

I raised an eyebrow.(I remembered to ditch my henge just then)

"Oh, no, of course not. Whatever gave you that idea?" I pulled said item from my bag, dangling it in front of her face. She snatched it out of my hands, tying it back around her neck.

"Asshole..."

"Is that anyway to thank the person saving your sorry, haughty ass? Whatever, bitch, just shut up and stay behind me." I started out of the cell, ripping off the guard uniform I'd swiped, dispelling the transformation.

After a moment of walking, an explosion rocked the entire palace, top to bottom.

"Well, that's our cue to get the hell out of here."

Naruto nodded. "Right. Let's go to work."

~~Badadumdunbum~~

We moved to the nearest lift,(Elevator) and took it up as high as possible, stopping on a bridge up high.

We started scross it, just as another explosion shook the ground beneath our feet.

"Damn! Anko really loves her job-"

Ahead of us, two guards were bodily thrown against the doorway, collapsing in a heap. From behind them, appeared everyone's favorite sex symbol of Konoha. Behind her, stood Sakura, who was beaming.

"Yes, in fact, I do! Now c'mon, if we get surrounded, we're screwed!"

"This way!" Koyuki shouted, beckoning us to follow her.

Well, she does know this place better than us, so we took her word for it, and ran like hell directly behind her.

We didn't get too far. In the main hall, the throne room, Koyuki stopped, and we ran into Doto.

A spotlight shined on him, leaving the rest of us in the dark. What a ham, what a showoff. Damnit, this guy's as bad as Orochimaru.

"Well done, Koyuki." Huh? Da fuck?

Just then, the dumb bitch ran towards Doto, and as I started after her, I got cut off by the three stooges.

"Fuck!" How do I get out of this? I can't fight all three of these idiots at once, and that's not counting Doto, who has to have the same kind of armor, or a better variant.

Agh, what to do?

. . .

Third jing; neutral. Do, nothing. We wait, and find an opening.

As the scene played out, it really reminded me of that princess Gale movie. Hm, atrange.

Wait, she's-

...Heh. My sharingan revealed her intentions, though I'm unsure if that tanto will penetrate his armor. After a few moments, I noticed Anko getting antsy, shifting her weight from foot to foot. Just what's got her worked up? She relishes a fight, especially if it gives her a challenge, but-

Aha; our little demolition expert set this place to blow. Heheheheh, I can always count on Anko to do something stupidly clever.

Another five minutes of listening to the prick ramble on while he beat up his own neice, a girl half his size. Bitch or not, she didn't quite deserve that much of a spanking.

But after that sixth minute-

"MOVE!" Anko shouted, just before the entire ceiling exploded, showering us with heavy masonry, our ears ringing. Heh, so she did.

'Time to end this farce!' I jumped, hopped and skipped from stone to stone, making a hasty escape.

Outside, the three of us(Naruto had pursued Doto and the girl) made a hasty plan.

"You two, go after fatso and the snow-bitch. I'll take down their leader, then we hit Doto. Naruto's damn sure gonna be there already."

Anko and Sakura nodded, taking off in the direction we'd seen the two ninjas run off in, while I began my hunt for Nadarei.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

He hadn't gotten far, maybe a kilometre or two. I caught up with him, waiting for me.

Hmph. He truly had no idea who he was messing with.

He turned to face me.

"So... You're not going to just run away this time, I hope."

"No; I am not like Kakashi. He was my sensei, and a damned good one. But the one thing he did wrong," I surged my chakra, forming several handseals and using my best technique.

*Pul-Chichichichichichichi!*

"Was making his students stronger than himself. It is your folly to compare me to him; I am not that weak."

"Heh heh heh heh, so the student surpasses the master. Show me."

"Gladly." I dashed forward, ready to tear him apart.

"Ice style! Wolf fang avalanche!" All above me, the snow began rolling downhill, forming into the visage of giant wolves.

Hmph. He sends false wolves to kill a real one? Fool.

I love it when a plan comes to fruition; I ducked down, sliding under the wolves that passed right over me, summoning a shadow clone in the same instant, the clone mimicking my chidori. While I was unseen on the ground, my clone shunshined into the air, calling,

"UP HERE ASSHOLE!"

And when Nadarei looked skyward, the clone rushed him. He knocked it aside, sending it plummeting down. And as it fell, the clone flipped him off. "You lose, asshole!"

Just as Nadarei comprehended that, I struck from below, impaling the bastard through the small of his back.

"GUAH! W-wha-" My hand was on the other side of him, and I fipped him off.

"On a ledge, you never strike from above, lest you overshoot your mark. Instead, attack from below, and drag your enemy down with you. Shinobi basics 101; now fly, bitch."

I ripped my hand out of him, dripping blood, and viciously kicked him off the ledge. I never heard him hit the ground; I was already moving to Naruto's location.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

'Not enough chakra,' I thought, feeling drained. I didn't have the strength to fight someone even stronger than that guy. This would be a pain in the quad.

Reaching for my bag, I pulled out my satchel of soldier pills, downing another one. I was going to need my strength for this. Doto's chakra levels were nearly those of a Kage, and I'll be damned if I'm letting Naruto fight that on his own.

When I arrived at the spot where I last felt his chakra, I saw Doto, atanding over a massive break in the ice. Naruto was nowhere in sight.

"Jashin damn him!"

My hands came together. Now's a good a time as any to try out my newest trick.

"Shadow clone jutsu!" A dozen clones appeared, all looking at me funny.

"Uh, Boss, you haven't even tested this yet. You sure you wanna do that NOW?" I leveled a glare at him.

"At worst, he's gonna get singed, bad-"

"Along with us," One of my clones threw in. Not helping.

"And at best, he gets completely fried. Now quit yer whinin', and get ta firin'!" They collectively sighed, and began forming handseals in preparation for their job.

I jumped down into the basin, slamming a fist down on the ice, announcing my presence.

"HEY ASSHOLE!"

Doto turned, scowling. He saw me, the clones, and was about to perform some kind of jutsu.

"THIS IS THE END FOR YOU!" I drew my knife, shunshining towards him.

Gotta be quick.

My clones had already started spewing massive fireballs into the air, causing a rapid, large-scale temperature shift.

Causing friction, static electricity.

Lightning.

I don't have the skill or power to dedirect lightning itself, but I do have the power to do what's needed.

As I moved, closer and closer, faster and faster, I channeled lightning chakra through my knife, ducking the massive black snow dragon he sent after me, skidding, sliding, jumping, juking over the giant snowball of a monster.

I got close, damn, close. Within mere feet, before he realized what I was doing. I think.

Anyway, I knocked his meaty fist aside, driving my blade deep in his gut, dropping back as I felt my body going into the routine I'd copied off of Lee.

"Fly!"

And fly he did, a good thirty feet, as my hands came together again.

"Wrath of Heaven... NOW DIE!" Two chidoris appeared in my hands, the last of my chakra going into this final, desperate attempt to finish what I'd started.

Kakashi once told me to never, ever, ever EVER slap two chidoris together.

Why? Well, because it makes lightning shoot out in all directions, completely uncontrollable.

Because he only tried it once. I've, kinda perfected it. Sorta. Halfway.

Okay, I can get it to go in the direction I want, but not pinpoint accuracy. It's still drawn to my chakra, and metal. So, I stabbed him with a piece of metal laced with my chakra, of the same nature. Energy is cohesive, remember?

And so, without further delay, ahem. I clapped my hands together, willing the energy to move-

Thattaway!

I kinda shaped my chakra to help it along, but it's just a wing and a prayer at this point. The moment the two balls of electricity touched, BAM! WHAM! HOLY WAZOW!

'Duhh, what just happened?'

'Duhh, you just got zapped, yo.'

Erm, I kinda got zapped. My hair was standing on end, as lighting arc'd from my hands, moving up, and collided with my knife, which was sticking out of Doto.

Now, he was charged with electricity, and he got zapped, BAD.

He was looking singed, but his armor held. I suppose it's because the further lightning travels, the less energy it has. And it wasn't focused or concentrated, either.

Ahem. But this, is not the point of the technique, oh no.

This is the set-up. Now that fatass up there got charged with lightning-natured chakra, he's a fuckin' magnet for REAL lightning.

Now you guys figuring out why my clones spent so much time coughing up smoke for me? Yeah.

Anyway.

Great light show; Doto kinda hung in the air for a second after I zapped him, as the sky darkened and crackled, and then, oh, then!

Boosh, motherfucker.

*Tha-BA-BA-BALOOOMSH!*

HE. LIT. THE FUCK. UP.

A massive bolt of lightning arc'd down, striking him right on the noggin.

Judging from the way his armor split apart and he hit the ground like a cannonball, that hard to hurt. Especially since his hair was burned off, and I could smell it from here.

Okay, show's over. I fell to my knees, sharingan deactivated.

Ugh.

I- I think I'm seeing things, 'cuz I coulda swore he just got up, looking rather irate. And by that, I mean royally pissed.

Heheh, yeah, I'm dreaming, 'cuz, my head's just- Whoooa, man! Swimming.

Kinda like when I got drunk with Anko, 'cept I don't have a hard-on... Whoops, now it's just like that time! Woo-hoo!

Yeah, man.

I, ah, I think I used too much chakra, 'cuz now I'm seeing a million Naruto's. Naruto here, Naruto there, Naruto eeeeeverywhere!

. . .

*Thumpk!*

Ow.

I... Think I'll just stay here. On the ground, where it's nice and comfy.

Ahh, sleep.

My loving mistress; so near, so far, comes close, then runs away like a little bitch.

'Ahh... C'mere you, I missed you.'

Aaaand that's right about the time that I blacked out.

Welp, that's it, kiddies. Show's over. I'm out like a light, so piss off. I missed the rest of the fight.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

"Aaaand that's a wrap!" The scene ended.

The lights turn back on, and we see Sasuke stand up, brushing himself off. Naruto's stunt doubles limp offstage, heading for medical. Koyuki stands up and yawns, pulling off his wig; it was Ebisu the entire time. He walks offstage, putting on his trademark sunglasses and complaining about how the panties he was wearing were giving him a wedgie.

Doto hops to his feet and walks over to the coffee table, looking for his trench coat. He also played Ibiki.

We see Naruto and Sasuke walk offstage together, joking about their friend and fellow actor Kakashi hitting on 'Koyuki' until he found out that she, was also a he. Heheheh, oh it was funny as hell.

Sakura walks over and joins the two boys, scratching his crotch.

"Man, wearing this damn dress is starting to get on my nerves. Why the hell can't they ever get me to play a dude?"

Sasuke snorts a laugh. " 'Cuz you're prettier than most of the girls. It's kinda funny, really. Say, didja flash the last guy who tried hitting on you?"

"Uh-huh. 'Cept he got even more excited when he saw my junk!"

Sasuke and Naruto share a look. "Definately wasn't Kakashi, then."

Sakura blinks. "No, it was Neji. It was really freakin' wierd, man."

Both boys blink, staring at their crossdressing companion with mouths agape. "NEJI?!"

"Uh-huh."

Quite suddenly, the director calls for all actors and actresses to gather onstage. He has an announcement.

It takes only a few minutes for everyone to gather, at which point, with tears in his eyes, the director shouts, "OUR BUDGET'S BEEN CUT! The movie's canceled!" He then breaks down and starts crying.

Everyone in there is depressed, sighing. Well, everybody except one boy with hair like a duck's ass. "Wait- WHAT?! YOU MEAN MY SEX SCENE GOT CANCELED?! SON OF A DICK!"

He is holding his head, manly tears flowing down his cheeks. Naruto and Sakura are flanking him, patting his back with sympathy.

Kakashi stands next to the trio, sniffing as he wipes a tear from his eye. "I know, Sasuke. I feel your pain."

Sidling up to the group is Anko, who's actually only 19. "Aw, I'm sorry, Sasuke. But don't worry. You're already done your sex scene!" She plucks a photo from betwix her breasts, handing it to the brunette boy before turning and skipping away, cackling the entire time.

The four of them, being Kaka, Sasu, Naru and Saku, look over the picture.

"TH-THAT DOESN'T COUNT! I WAS ASLEEP!" He's blushing as bright red as Sakura's dress, while his three friends laugh at both his embarassment and misfortune.

Because that's what friends are for these days, apparently.

...Hm? What was the pictue of?

Well, that's for me to know, and you to worry about.

Mwahahahahahahahahahaaa!

"Shaddup, will ya? No more voice-overs, the movie's cancelled. Hey, gimme that mic!"

Wha- Wait, no, this is my- Ack! Ow, you son of a b-

THE END.

FIN.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

HOLY HELL! Over nineteen THOUSAND views! Bad-freakin'-ass, man!

I want to take this opportunity to personally thank ALL of my viewers, and especially my reviewers. THANK YOU FOR READING! Especially to Lunar Wolf Fenrir, Wrathkal, SR471, and Kaioo, for sticking with me thoughout this entire acid-trip of an adventure. Next, I'd like to thank my my lovely GUEST REVIEWERS, and to Pjak47, my first reviewer. It is for you all, THE PEOPLE, that I keep wasting my precious time writing instead of doing something productive. Like masturbating six times a day.

And now, I wish to extend my eternal gratitude to my muse, 01Trycia-chan01, for inspiring me to keep writing no matter how badly I fuck it up.(Ha-ha) You've kept me up late at night, made me try new things, and forced me to keep going even when I thought I was done. You're as bad as my Ex. At least you don't leave bite marks.

Now THAT, was funny.

Well, this is my last chapter, I'm afraid. I simply have no time to work on this anymore.

So I'm going out with a bang, and leaving this ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE'S WORTH IN ONE GODDAMN CHAPTER. FUCK YOU ALL WHO SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE!

Heheh. Well, we had a good run, my friends. I'll see you all in hell; I'll be busy making Lucifer my bitch.

BA-BOW! Good night!