I do not own Phineas and Ferb, James Bond, the Disney songs Bibbity Bobbity Boo and Higitus Figitus. Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror Bloopers

Mr. Macabre slowly rose, the beam from the flashlight positioned beneath the window of the truck illuminating his pale face. "Welcome, children," he said softly. "Welcome to the Macabre Book Mobile. What is-?"

The light suddenly went out, pitching the guest actor into darkness. The grim-looking man paused and picked the flashlight up, giving it a few good whacks. "The batteries died? Already? What kind of a production is this?"

"Not on par with those Shakespeare performances you're used to," Phineas piped up from off set. "Our director here may have misled you a bit."

When Mr. Macabre gave the director an angry look, he could only give a feeble shrug in response. "Hey, the actors and actresses of the Hollywood world know what torturous work it is working in this studio. Sometimes I gotta tell some white lies in order to lure-uh, persuade, a guest actor to come and do an episode."

"Is it too late to get out of my contract?" Mr. Macabre asked.

"Oh yeah."

…

"Enough with the feather Renfield," Mr. Macabre snapped, shoving the hand away and picking the book up. "We've talked about this. Now knock it off and go stand over there by the chifforobe. And stay off those olives. I'm saving them. For company."

Mr. Macabre broke into a bout of rather convincing evil laughter. It was immediately stopped, however, as the man turned to the director with a frown. "I don't understand. Why would I laugh evilly over something like that?"

"There are many rules over here in the Phineas and Ferb studio," the director said carefully. "The most important one is never question what the writers come up with. Just do it, even if it makes no sense."

"The second most important rule is never agree to do a favour for Phineas," the director's assistant added. "You'll regret it."

…

Take One

Candace lounged against her window seat. "No Stacy, I have the whole place to myself." She pressed her phone closer to her ear. "Mom and Dad are at the movies and the boys-wait, where are the boys?"

The director blinked at Candace for a moment before staring at the script in his hands. "I just want to point out that you barely got through your first line of dialogue. You still got a good ten, maybe twenty in this scene alone."

"…so…where are the boys?"

Take Six

"But check this out. The light of a full moon will make it evil." Candace reached over and picked up her Ducky Momo doll. "I am so totally doing this." Candace paused for a moment and then rolled her eyes. "Oh, relax Stacy. It's funny!"

Candace held the doll up and stared at it. After a moment she frowned and stared at the book in her lap. "Uh…bibbity bobbity boo?"

"I'm pretty sure the book doesn't say that," the director said flatly.

"Well, it's easier to say than this gibberish."

"Bibbity bobbity boo is not supernatural-ly enough."

"Alright, fine. How about higitus figitus?"

"That's it. You're no longer allowed to watch Disney movies during your breaks."

Take Twelve

"Candace, this is Ducky Momo!" Candace said in a scary voice. "You must buy more of my memorabilia, like my fiftieth anniversary collector's item bobblehead!" She then switched over to her normal voice. "Yeah, but I'm concerned about its resale value."

Candace put the doll against her face and screamed in mock-terror. "Help! Help!" She broke into giggles. "Sorry, just having a little fun. So what's up?"

The redhead walked over to her closet. Just as she was reaching for her clothes someone jumped out, wearing a revolting monster mask. "Aagghh!"

Candace shrieked and stumbled backwards, tripping over her feet and tumbling to the carpet. A familiar laugh came from behind the mask and Candace growled. "Phineas!"

…

Candace whirled around when the door flew open. "Is someone there?" she called. She peered outside and shrugged before turning around and trying to slam the door closed with her foot. "Yeah, I know. Creepy. Anyway, since Jeremy's-"

She lost her grip on the glass of water and it shattered against the floor. Candace winced. "Sorry, Stacy, I gotta go. The director is giving me the glare of death."

…

Take One

"You thought you were alone but then you hear a floorboard creek."

Candace froze and whirled around, staring at the entryway. The miniature Ducky Momo robot was frozen in the entrance. All of a sudden its eyes glowed a brilliant red.

"Stop it!" Candace cried. "That's beyond creepy!"

The special effects guy swallowed in fright. "I didn't do that."

Take Four

"You say no, no, no! No Momo."

Candace fumbled in the top cupboard for a bottle of ketchup. She snagged it, accidently pulling the cap off in the process and spilling ketchup all over herself. "Oh, gross!"

The director squinted at the girl and frowned. "That does not look like ketchup."

The makeup girl wandered over and studied the red substance intently. "You're right. Someone filled the ketchup bottle with fake blood."

"Phineas!" Candace shrieked.

…

"Upstairs!" Candace cried. "The only logical escape!"

She charged towards the wooden steps, getting her leg tangled in the curtains in the process. The girl yanked frantically on the material but it wouldn't come loose. She screamed in fear as the Ducky Momo robot waddled to the foot of the stairs. She tried gnawing on the curtains only to gag and wipe her mouth furiously.

"That is just disgusting," she whined. "Why can't there just be a pair of scissors coincidently near me?"

"Because that doesn't make sense."

"Oh, and me getting chased by an alive Ducky Momo doll does?"

…

Perry started to rope his way down into Heinz's lair. The rope snapped halfway and Perry crashed to the ground. Heinz snickered. "Smooth move, Bond."

…

Take One

"Anyhoo, you should know that the mysterious book you are trapped in has a very interesting chapter on…bum-bum-bum...the inexplicable Giant Floating Baby Head!"

Heinz threw his arms out to the sides as thunder boomed and lightning flashed. He managed to keep a straight face for a few seconds after the effects before breaking down into laughter. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Let's do it again."

Take Four

"Bum-bum-bum! The inexplicable Giant Floating Baby-he he he."

Take Ten

"Bum-bum-bum! The inexplicable Giant Floating-aha ha ha!"

"Heinz!" the director snapped. "What is the matter?"

Heinz wiped the tears from his eyes. "Oh, come on! How can I not laugh at this premise? I'm getting three wishes from a Floating Baby Head!"

"Try to pull it together. If we leave Perry in that book any longer he might become a part of it."

Take Fifteen

"Bum-bum-ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Oh, for-that's it! Cu-!"

"No! No!" Heinz held his stomach with one hand and waved his other in the air. "Wait! Just give me a second. I'll totally nail it in the next take. If I don't dinner is on me."

And dinner was indeed on Heinz that evening.

Take One

"Behold!" Heinz exclaimed. "The Inexplicable-Giant-Floating-Baby-Head-Attract-Inator!" He waited until the lightning flashed before continuing. "Everything I know about getting a baby's attention has gone into this -Inator. Yes! Babies like keys, right? When you shake your keys. Yeah, it's...it's one of the things they like."

Heinz pushed a button and his roof retracted. After a brief moment a large object floated up and hovered near the roof's edge. The giant baby head cooed softly. Heinz gasped. "It's so horrible!" He cautiously started to approach it. "Gently, gently. Don't kill me. Just…one…small…touch!"

Heinz jabbed the giant baby head balloon and it popped, sending Heinz flying back into some boxes and releasing a foul smell into the air.

"Who filled the balloon with stink powder instead of purple dust?" the director demanded. "Phineas! Get your butt over here!"

Take Three

Heinz was sprawled in the boxes, staring in awe at the now-empty space where the Giant Floating Baby Head had been. "It's gone!" He stared down at his hand and gasped at the three fingers that were now painted like baby faces. "Perry the Platypus, look-!"

Perry bit his beak to contain his laughter. Heinz noticed his restraint and burst into giggles himself. "You're right. This is extremely disturbing."

Take Four

"Cheese and crackers!" Heinz yelped as Perry escaped from his trap, causing the bookshelf to fall onto his foot in the process. He then scowled and glared at his nemesis. "Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you, Perry the Platypus, making me waste a wish? Nice try, pal, but what you don't realize is that this guy knows the real waste of a wasted wish is to waste a wish that was wastefully wished wastefully away very-" Heinz cut off and rubbed his forehead. "I don't know what I'm doing."

…

Perry savagely attached the blocks of cheese with a cheese grater. He paused for a moment and grabbed a chunk of Gouda, shoving it in his mouth.

"Perry, stop eating the cheese that's trying to destroy you!" snapped the director.

…

Perry blew hard on his mouse whistle. A small group of white mice emerged from their little home and chased after the block of parmesan cheese. The red wheel spun around and tried to escape, accidently slamming into Heinz's knees in the process.

The German man crumpled to the ground, wheezing. "Okay, that is some strong parmesan."

"Not even the robot-cheese can do its job right," the director sighed.

…

"I wish to be the head of the Tri-State Area!" Heinz cried. He then quickly gasped in horror. "Oh, shoot, I just heard that!"

A purple poof of dust appeared and Heinz was replaced by a giant holographic head. Perry took one look and burst into laughter. Heinz glowered at the head from off set. "Oh, ha ha. Who programmed a mustache into my hologram?"

…

"Suddenly from out of the shadows, the zombie bunny rabbit appeared and then…he ate all the marshmallows! Nomnomnomnomnom!"

Buford shoved handful after handful of marshmallows into his mouth. "Remember, those are for everyone!" Baljeet chided.

"Mmmfmmmf!" Buford tried to get out his line, but his mouth was too full for him to talk.

Isabella giggled. "Attractive."

…

"Hey, check it out!" Phineas exclaimed, peering at the book in his hands. "It says here you have to be careful not to spill grape juice on a platypus, or it will make an evil platypus clone. I'm not really sure-"

"Hold it!" Buford interrupted. He shook his grape juice box. "It's empty!"

"Ooh…sorry." Baljeet grinned sheepishly. "I thought it was apple juice that made the evil clone. I got thirsty, so…I kind of drank all the grape juice."

"All of it?!" the director cried.

"What part of I got thirsty did you not understand?"

…

"Thank you for the lemonade, Rusty," Isabella said gratefully.

"You're surely welcome," Rusty said cheerfully. "Now what-"

Baljeet suddenly jumped up, wiggling madly. "Sorry, but I need a bathroom break!" he cried. He raced off and Rusty gave an irritated sigh.

Isabella gave him a sympathetic smile. "How did the boss get you to do this episode?"

"He said this would be a western-themed episode," Rusty growled.

"Sorry man. You got ripped off."

...

"You're surely welcome! Now, what can I do you for?"

"If I may, Mr. Bridges, the city's been overrun by evil platypuses and we can't figure out how to get rid of them," Phineas explained.

"Well, that's a real beehive in your well water. Lemme get my thinking bench." Rusty disappeared for a moment and came back dragging a wooden bench behind him. He then placed one boot on it. "Well, it's like old Pap used to say, 'When your horse starts drawing a bath instead of a wagon, it's time to change the welcome mat.'"

Buford arched an eyebrow. "Does anyone else get the feeling we're wasting our time with this thing?"

"Look, Rusty, we really appreciate you're colonial prairie wisdom-"

Ferb snorted. "Try colloquial."

Phineas frowned. "What did I say?"

"Colonial. Not exactly close in meaning. I'm getting you a dictionary for Christmas."

…

The kids filed out of Rusty's house with bubble-filled tanks on their backs and nozzles in their hands. Rusty trailed behind, strumming his guitar and singing softly. "The kids knew it was do or die, ripped to shreds with razor-like claws. Their doom was all but nigh. Screaming in pain, they'd be eaten alive."

Baljeet smirked wryly. "I feel that this song is a reflection of Boss Man's dearest dreams."

…

"Just a-yodeling all the way!" Rusty sang. Before he could continue on he was attacked by a crowd of evil purple platypuses.

"Rusty!" Baljeet cried.

"Go on without me!" Rusty shouted. "You know what-ow! They're actually biting me! This wasn't in the contract!"

"Yeah, I don't think we'll ever see him on this show again," Phineas muttered.

…

"Rusty, you did it! They are all melting away!" Baljeet cheered.

The doors leading to the factory burst open. "You've saved my factory!" the juice box in the doorway exclaimed.

Immediately, the kids burst into laughter. "Wait, wait," Phineas giggled. "I can take the cowboy riding the unicorn. But a talking, walking juice box is just not normal."

"Nothing about this show is normal," the director sighed.

"Can we just get to the dancing part now?" Isabella asked eagerly.

"Fine, whatever. But if any of you twerk I'm firing you."