Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note!!
A/N: Thank you Emo Naom and ShinigamiKittens for reviewing!
Man…three serials already going, and a fourth one soon to be posted…CHAOS!!! But I'm giving ANL top priority right now…man, at this rate, I'll be lucky to have no serials going by 2012. -.-;
Incidentally, Sorry You're Not A Winner is a terrific song by Enter Shikari. If you're going to listen to it, though, search for the REMIXED version, as the original is..ugh.
A New Light
Chapter 35: Sorry You're Not a Winner : Nihilism
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Dead and utter silence.
It's unclear how much time goes by before Lina can bring herself to break it.
"M-Michael-kun-I'm…" She stops. What can I say? What is there to say?
She doesn't know how to start, Michael observes, miserable. Her hesitation, her expression-if he wasn't positive before, he is now.
His best friend-all right, his only friend-is Kira.
One of few people closest to him is his enemy.
I've solved the case.
He wishes with every fiber of his being that he hadn't.
"Lina..Lina-san," he corrects himself, reestablishing the honorific. "You are the new Kira."
He repeats that which is already known because he cannot imagine what else he can say to her. Which is just as well, because Lina is also wordless.
He cannot ask her "Why?" because he knows why. Or at least he thinks he does.
She cannot tell him "Sorry" because she doesn't even know if she is. She followed her beliefs-at high cost-but was she wrong? She doesn't know yet.
A wall of ice, thick and cold, rises between them as the silence stretches on.
This time Michael dissolves it. Deciding it's best to hear an explanation from her own lips, he asks her the simplest question with the most difficult answer: "Why?"
Her pale grey eyes meet his, unreadable and deep. "Because.." Something occurs to her and she switches direction. "You..aren't going to ask how?"
Michael shakes his head. "I know how you did it. The Death Note, am I right?"
Her jaw hits the floor. "How do you know about the notebook?!"
Faintly amused at how quickly they have switched 'questioner' roles, Michael reaches into the backpack he brought and pulls out a notebook identical to Lina's own. She gasps in shock and horror.
"How…how..?!"
"The Death Note is no tool of god, in case that's what you thought," Michael says. He puts no harshness in his tone; the words themselves are enough implication of harsh disapproval, and they do their job. Pain shoots across Lina's face.
"They are the tools of the Shinigami, the Death Gods, who use them to extend their own lifespan by killing off humans," he continues. "Am I accurate in guessing that the Death Note was what you used to kill those people?"
She stiffens. Watch it, the always-present power-hungry voice warns. You haven't admitted to anything yet! You still have a chance, albeit a slim one, to get out of this mess! Say nothing! When he leaves, you can eliminate him!
…No, she replies silently. There's too many variables. He can't possibly be the only one who's added it up.
I'm finished regardless of whether he lives or not.
And besides…I won't kill him. No…not him.
"Yes, Michael-kun," she admits softly. "It was."
He bows his head, fighting to regain control of his emotions. That cements it. Lina is Kira.
"And-and why-?" Shoot. His voice cracks. He cuts himself off and looks away.
Lina tries to hold back her own tears.
After a pause, when she's more or less sure she can resist sobbing, she speaks again.
"I'm sure you've come to the conclusion that I did it all for my God," she states, not untruthfully. "That I wanted to follow His example and cleanse the world of all crime, without caring who or what stood in my way. You think me ruthless…devoid of a conscience…inhuman…" With bitterness, she throws his own assumptions back at him, and he has the grace to look slightly ashamed.
"And you got bits right. I did do it for Kira…partly."
She looks him in the eye. Fiercely.
"But it's not just Kira."
He returns her gaze, willing to listen, even as their lives crash down and reassemble around their ears.
"It's not just Kira," she repeats, "but more…what he stands for. It's not the God, it's the morals that God represents. I've always been given a hard time because of my faith, by people who see Kira as a murderer and nothing more. But they miss the point entirely. Kira fights for goodness, purity, peace, justice. We love Him for that. We aren't following some beautiful, empty idol-we're praying for the world that He wishes to create."
She breathes. "Most people worship gods out of faith, pure and simple. It doesn't matter if there is no proof of that god's existence, they believe anyway. They are willing to believe, have the willpower to love something that cannot be seen, and that is a wonderful thing in its own way. But Kira…Kira gives us reason to believe and hope. Concrete evidence that He is willing to do whatever He must to fulfill his promise of a wonderful new world."
"And what of the killing?" Michael demands. "Does murder constitute as justifiable? The means to the ends and whatnot?"
Lina's gaze drops. "That…that is where I failed," she murmurs. "I kept faltering. I was never sure that I could bring myself to kill another person, evil or no. I realized I had to kill more, and did so. Even when it nearly broke me."
Tears glaze over her eyes. "And then I screwed up!" she chokes. "Anthony Marcus didn't deserve to die, and neither did his wife! I was grasping at straws; I knew it was wrong, you just-you made me so angry and miserable and I couldn't think straight-" "I caused you to do that?!" Michael interrupts, feeling pale.
"You betrayed me," she says. "At the very least, that's how I saw it. You denounced Kira-me-as an emotionless killer who feels no pain-when you had no idea, none at all-how agonizing it was! You knew nothing of me, but you still judged-that's what I hate about people!" She's all but screaming now, as the water in her widened eyes threatens to spill over.
"They never take the time to understand-they don't even try to get the point before they make up some stupid judgment, and before you know it, you're stuck with a false reputation that you can never escape. You carry those lies on your back, through no fault of your own, for the rest of your life! And when you..you were my friend…I thought you accepted me, but then you turned out to be exactly like the rest of them."
Michael sighs quietly. "..I'm sorry, Lina-san. I really am. But just as you are entitled to your own beliefs, I am entitled to mine. And my belief is that Kira is a killer."
She starts to look away, but he isn't finished. "Kira is a killer, but..as for you..the jury's still out."
She winces, and he scrambles. "I mean, you have killed people…but you had a conscience about it. You felt…bad." The words are weak. His attempt at comfort is pathetic, and they are both aware of it.
"..Has anyone else said anything to you about..me?" Lina asks, changing the subject. "I messed up so badly, getting hurt like that…stupid. Very stupid." She sighs heavily. "Anyone who pays attention must have figured it out."
Michael shrugs uncomfortably. "Anata hasn't said anything yet. He seemed somewhat concerned when I told him you'd been hit by a car, but he's been so preoccupied with Karin..visits her every day. My mother thinks it's 'adorable', as she put it." He pulls a face. "Maybe he hasn't-"
The door flies open and smashes into the wall behind it. The boy who has just entered slams it again with venom and considerable force.
"You," Anata snarls, burning holes in Lina's head as he glares at her with hatred. "Kira." He spits the word.
"Anata-san," Michael addresses him, startled. "What about Kira?"
"It's her," Anata snaps, pointing an accusatory finger at the redheaded girl. "She's Kira. Think about it, numbskull-she's been in the hospital for five days. Kira hasn't killed anyone for five days. Do the math-you're good at that." He folds his arms in livid satisfaction.
"…Anata-san," Michael says calmly. "That is…entirely coincidental."
Lina tries to keep her face blank.
"How exactly do you think Lina could kill so many people with heart attacks?" Michael inquires. "She's in school almost every day; anyone could vouch for that. The perpetrator is obviously a medical specialist of some kind-someone who knows what causes heart attacks and uses the information to their advantage."
Anata gapes briefly, but his rage does not deflate. "If that's what you think, then why didn't you say something?!" he yelps.
Michael shrugs unconcernedly. "I must have neglected to mention it. How is Asiki-san?"
"Oh," Anata flounders, clearly put off by the abrupt change in the conversation. "She's-um, she's fine. No complications so far."
"Don't jinx it," Lina warns quietly. Anata shoots her a glare.
"Goodbye, Anata-san," Michael says mildly. "I'll see you in school tomorrow."
Anata blinks, looks from Lina to Michael and vice versa, nods, and leaves much more quietly than he arrived.
"I'm not sure why you did that, but thank you," Lina says. Michael shakes his head. "Don't thank me. I didn't want him to tear you apart on the spot. Besides, there's something else I want to ask you. Now that it's over…in your opinion, was it worth it?"
Lina thinks it over. "It was nice," she says finally, "to feel like I had some important purpose in my life. To feel like God had given me a duty, and I could help Him change the world. But that's finished now, and without a constant Kira.." She bites her lip. "The world will just go right back to the way it was before. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to change the unchangeable."
"However," she adds, "I do not regret trying to serve Kira."
"What?" Michael asks incredulously. "After all this, you still believe Kira is righteous?"
"Yes," she responds simply. "He is..perfect. I'm human, and therefore flawed. I shouldn't have tried to become like Him..it's impossible for a human to ever truly imitate God." A wry smile crosses her face and vanishes. "It's not God who was wrong. It was me."
Michael stares at her openmouthed for a moment. Then he shakes his head and does not reply with anything more than "I'm sorry you feel that way." There's no point, he realizes. She believes that Kira is justice, and I can never change that.
"So..what's going to happen to me now?" She doesn't sound scared. Just tired, and resigned.
Michael swallows hard. "I..I want you to think about everything overnight. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the police and explain everything to whoever'll listen. If I'm lucky, some of the original Task Force members who hunted down the first Kira. You might get off a harsher penalty, since you're a minor." Tears choke him and he stops before his friend can notice.
Lina nods, something like a plan, something like a decision already churning about inside her head. "That's fair," she agrees, with much more coolness than she feels.
They let a few more moments pass in silence before Michael stands and reluctantly informs her that visiting hours are over. The nurse will be here any second to boot him out. Lina nods.
Michael leans down and surprises her with a hug. An extremely awkward one, but still. She returns it. "I am sorry," she whispers, "for putting you and Karin-kun and Anata-san through all of this." He nods and backs off quickly. He turns to leave.
"Goodbye, Michael," she says. He pauses.
"..Karson is my father's last name," he tells her abruptly. "Mother took it to help conceal her own identity. I don't particularly like the name 'Michael Karson', though. If.." He inhales sharply. "If we ever get a second to ourselves again, you can call me Matthew." He turns once more to smile an odd smile at her. "Matthew Jeevas."
And then he's gone, hurrying out of that hospital with the speed of a bat out of hell, out on the sidewalk, glad it's windy because he can use wind as an excuse for the unstopping tears that pour down his face.
To be continued
-Rule XXXVI of the Church of Kira:
No matter what,
there is always Hope.
That is Kira's Gift to us.-
A/N: Holy mother of crapbiscuits, the end is near…I'm actually going to finish another serial; ZOMG I can't believe it!
Hope you enjoyed! Reviews are glorious. But of course, feel no obligation. -SS