Author's Note: Little known fact, but this fic was meant to be a serious drama about the devastations of alcoholism and bodily disassociation, but people kept mistaking it for a parody so I went with it.

Chapter 29: Lost

"Hello? Is anyone here?" Ed slogged through the deep Slim-Fast, all sorts of strange thoughts racing though his mind about the surreal world he had woken up to. Where was he? Was he still somewhere near the forest? Was he dreaming? Was he dead?

He cupped his hands around his mouth to increase the volume of his voice. "Ling? Hello? HELLO? AL? LING?...Fat-Ass?" His voice did not even echo in the wide, empty space. "Urgh, I wouldn't even mind Winry's company right now." At least Winry's hair glowed in the dark. It was one of those weird genetic things.

He turned around again and saw it. A flicker of light slowly floating closer.

"OH GOD I KNEW IT," shouted Ed. "I'M DEAD!" He turned and ran in the opposite direction. "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!"

"Hey! Where are you going, Edward?"

"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I HAVEN'T EVEN OPENED A BANK ACCOUNT YET!"

"It's me!" Ling came sloshing through the liquid into view. "Why are you running away?"

"Oh," said Ed, feelings of relief and stupidity simultaneously washing over him. 'I thought you were the Angel of Death."

"Not since I lost my wings, no."

"What?"

"What?"

"Uh... never mind."

"Wait a moment…" Ling narrowed his eyes as a thought occurred to him. "How do I know you are not Spam in disguise?"

"Good point… Ask me something only the real Ed would know."

"Alright then. What's twelve times seven?"

"Eighty-four."

"…"

"…"

"Oh! I mean, because seven ate nine."

"Yes it is you. What is this odd place?"

"I don't know. It just looks like darkness all around." Ed took the torch Ling was holding. "Lucky you have this torch, eh?"

"And lucky I found this corpse arm that I used as a torch"

"Ew." Ed gingerly handed it back to him.

"This reminds me of my father's palace," continued Ling. "It is so vast it takes days to cross and reach the other side. Perhaps we are in a similar palace?"

"We're not in a palace, idiot."

"Then where are we?"

"We must be in Fat-Ass's stomach," said Ed as he looked around them. "The Colonel's flames, the side of the shack, the forest trees, the piece of Fuery's car… He ate all of those and they're here."

"Wow..." said Ling, eyes wide in wonder and looking around as well. "Amazing. To think that this is what we all look like on the inside…"

Ed chose not to address this comment.

He distracted himself by looking to the side and then spotted something. "Hey what's that?" He walked over to a large broken piece of concrete slab and picked up Al's arm. "Oh won't he be mad about this. This is his writing arm." Indeed, Al would no longer be able to write in his little journal of "Things I Want To Do When I Get My Body Back" (among them were: "bake apple pie," "try Gracia's quiche," "get my face licked by a dog," and "pee"). Surely Al would become plunged into a depression if he could not write.

"Ah, he's already depressed." Ed shrugged and tossed the arm over his shoulder.

Ed and Ling walked for what seemed like hours, hunger and fatigue setting in.

"It's so eerie in here," said Ed.

"It certainly is. This is nothing like night… there are no stars, no sounds of life…"

"And there are all these pieces of things from different eras just scattered everywhere. Check out that stone pillar. And that train car."

"And that iPod."

"I bet the colonel would crap out his spinal column if he saw this place."

"Oh, my cousin has IFSS, too."

"IFSS?"

"Irritated Feng Shui Syndrome."

"Huh. So that's what that is."

They walked on, lost in thought for a bit. Still, they might as well have been walking around in circles. Or through one of those old-timey cartoon backgrounds that just repeat in a loop. That one's funnier, imagine that one.

"Is there no exit?" asked Ling.

This gave Ed an idea. "Hey! If they're no exits, then make one!' That's my motto!" As a small child, this was exactly how he escaped P.E. every day. "Let's see… Slim-Fast is made of maltodextrin, xanthan gum, milk protein concentrate, soybean lecithin, and other solids…"

He clapped his hands and created a solid well made entirely out of sugar-free chocolate. They both peered inside; it was nothing but black emptiness.

"If you throw a coin down there and make a wish, will it come true?" asked Ling thoughtfully.

"Don't be stupid. I don't have any coins."

"Oh."

"Let's throw the torch down there and see how long it takes to reach the other side."

"Good idea."

They threw the torch down the well and… nothing. It disappeared.

"You made the hole, how on earth is it not-"

Ed made an unintelligible noise.

Panic started to set in for the two teenagers.

"A WALL A WALL LET'S FIND A WALL!"

"YES! IF WE KEEP GOING STRAIGHT WE'RE BOUND TO HIT A WALL!"

And they both dashed in a random direction.

BANG

A few more hours had past. Ed had come up with a new tactic; he shot Liza's handgun in four different directions, Ling listening anxiously. No sound of any bullet hitting anything reached their ears.

Ling sighed; he had hoped that the gun would have at least hit a deer or something. He was starved.

"Why the hell would there be deer in here?"

"How did you know what I was thinking?!"

"I didn't, it was just a guess."

"… That… that was very specific."

"Let's keep moving."

"Yes, I suppose we must."

"And I'm not carrying you anymore."

Ed dropped him with a loud SPLASH.

"But I stubbed my toe."

"I said no."

They trudged on, the endless darkness ahead starting to reflect their dwindling morale.

"… Oh Edward, I fear if I do not eat soon, I will pass out," whined Ling twenty minutes later.

"Come on, don't tell me you're that delicate."

"I happen to have a very fragile metabolism, Edward. I once attempted a ritualistic fasting in my home village and… well, I went on a rampage and decimated the nearby Chang village."

"You wanna drink the Slim-Fast then?" suggested Ed.

"I'd rather we eat your shoe."

They stopped and looked at each other.

"I can't believe we resorted to eating my shoe" said Ed, mouthful of leather. "We've only been here like three hours."

"In my clan, that is considered a reasonable amount of time before resorting to cannibalism."

Ed stared, chewing more slowly.

"Hey, do you hear someone coming?"

"Huh? There's someone else here?"

Indeed, they could both here someone wading through the liquid. They turned to see Spam emerging from the darkness into their firelight.

"I thought I smelled burning leather," said Spam. He knew the scent well, after all. Don't ask why.

"Hey it's that chick we were fighting-"

"I AM NOT A CHICK-!"

"Sorry- it's that woman we were fighting-"

"Oh to hell with it." Spam sat on a nearby broken section of marble wall, hungry and tired from walking all these hours. He himself had to choose between going hungry or going naked. His endurance was, fortunately, stronger than that of Ed's or Ling's.

"What are you doing here?" asked Ling. "Did the fat Homunculus eat you as well?"

"Golly no, I just felt like taking a stroll through the fifth dimension on a lovely day like this. What the hell do you think I'm doing here?"

"I take it you don't know how to get out either," said Ed.

"It's not that I don't know," replied Spam. "It's that there is no way out."

The two boys stared, unable to comprehend such an impossible fact.

"That's ridiculous," said Ed. "If we got in then surely there's a way out?" Ling cringed at the thought of what the exit might look like, considering their entrance.

"Nope," said Spam. "We're stuck here until we die."

"How?! What's with this place?"

"Didn't you realize when you got sucked in here, Fullmetal? You've been here before. Sort of."

Ed's eyes widened as he remembered the sensation. "The… the Doors of Truth! But this place isn't like that at all!"

"Yeah well Father created this place as a side project a while ago," said Spam. "He tried to make an extra storage area for his collection of antique cuckoo clocks, but it kind of went weird and turned into a nonexistent reality outside of time and space, and so he stopped trying to make nice things."

"Could he not simply clear out a garage?" asked Ling, perplexed.

"Wait who the hell is this 'Father'?" demanded Ed. "Is it King Bradley?"

"No way! Father created him also, he's a total brat."

"Wait a second… If this 'Father' created Bradley who is tied to the 5th Laboratory and the Internet… Does Ishbal have something to do with your evil plot also!?"

Spam lit up. "Oooh that was my favorite! Do you remember? What triggered the war? Do you?"

Ed frowned. "If I recall correctly… it was because the Ishbalan ambassador shaved the Fuhrer's moustache in his sleep."

"WRONG!" Spam looked mad with glee. "It was me!"

Ed stared, horrified.

"That's right!" Spam cackled. "I shaved my younger brother's moustache! And then I blamed it on the Ishbalans!"

"You… you monster."

Spam only laughed.

Ed could not take any more of this. He lunged at Spam and punched him in the face, but it felt like punching a brick wall. Spam did not even flinch, and his expression went from laughter to venom.

"You wanna go, brat?"

"Bring it!"

"You'll be sorry, Fullmetal." Something odd started happening to Spam's skin. It cackled and broke away in neat little pieces like it normally did whenever he transformed, but somehow this was different. His muscles bulged awkwardly and his jaws unhinged, as though something enormous and misshapen were only wearing Spam as its skin.

"Edward, stay away from him!" shouted Ling. "Remember the forest floor when we were fighting him earlier?"

Ed stepped away, bewildered.

"No, what about it?"

"He sank into it! The same thing happened to the concrete when I fought him in Central!"

"Wait… no way… Is he that dense?"

"Yes he is dense but also he is a large being compacted into a tiny body!"

"That's what I meant, idiot!"

"Oh."

"So his true form…"

"… must be huge…"

Ed and Ling had to gradually crane their necks all the way up for them to fully take in Spam's true form.

"Oh," said Ed, "my god."

Author's Note: I know it was shorter than the usual chapter, but I hope you were amused nonetheless. New chapter in the works.

Also, if you are an avid fan of Attack on Titan and Free!, then I suggest checking out my latest crossover fic titled "Shingeki no Puru" ^3^