[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer but Lilly is all mine.

[A/N] Today is a special day for me because exactly one year ago I started posting WTHN. I want to thank all my lovely readers out there who have supported and encouraged me from the very beginning. It's because of you and the love you share with me for the characters in this story that I am still here. Without you they'd probably still be mean, little plot bunnies somewhere in my head.

Leave me some review love if you feel like it and now I hope you'll enjoy the new chapter.

There's a lemon in here. Well, actually two…well, kind of…

**Chapter 36**

I circle my fingertips over the exposed skin on Jane's neck up to her jaw until my fingertip reaches the edge of her mouth and I feel it curling upwards under my caress. She is starting to relax and I consider that a good thing because she wasn't exactly too pleased when I told her that I have to babysit Zoe instead of spending our rare together time alone—as in together alone.

"Can I get a kiss?" I whisper against her mouth a split second before I touch mine against her smiling lips. I love her. I love her so very much…

Something clicks behind me and it takes me a moment longer than my girlfriend to realize it's a camera.

A low growl lefts her throat, followed by another deeper growl coming out of Fiona's snout. Maybe I should train the dog on chasing the fuckers that keep following Jane around all the time. It's so beyond annoying.

"Give me the film." she hisses at the photographer who is grinning all over his face as if he'd just discovered that he'd hit the jackpot of a lottery or something pretty close to that.

"No way," Asshole stats, shoving the camera into the pocket of his coat, "This is going to be such a good scandal."

"If you even dare to post them somewhere, I'll make sure that no fucking newspaper in the whole country is going to hire you again. Now, give me the damn film before I order the dog to rip you a new one."

He giggles, not taking her threat seriously. It is a big mistake but the loser will find out about that pretty soon, I guess.

With that he's gone and Jane jumps from the blanket we'd been sitting on and searches for her cell, realizing that she has forgotten it at my place. I'm starting to hate that cell. It's this cell and the people that keep calling her on that cell that keep me away from her.

"I'm sorry," I mumble hoarsely, reaching my hand out to hers to wrap my fingers around her wrist.

She kneels down again, sitting back on her heels while I roll my thumb up and down on the soft skin of her palm.

"It's not your fault. I'm the one who's being hunted like an exotic animal since the press found out about me being the heiress of Volturi Inc. Zafrina thinks I should consider security but I really don't want some fucker following me everywhere. I want a normal life. I want to be with you whenever I want to be with you. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck…,"

I pull her against my chest and although I know that she's not going to cry here in public I still hold her tightly against my body, caressing her silky hair with my fingertips while I murmur words of comfort into her ear.

"I'm here for you. I will always be here for you." I whisper, planting a kiss underneath her earlobe.

My left hand fumbles for the little box in my handbag but when I'm just about to pull it out a loud squeaking scream reaches my ear.

"No! No! Go away from her! LILLY! LILLY!"

Cara appears behind a tree and as usually when she is nervous tears are rolling down her small face.

"Oh Lilly, you need to come. We can't get him off of Fiona."

When I turn around I realize that the dog in deed has disappeared. I call for her but she doesn't answer and before I can try to whistle, Cara pulls me with her and I don't really like what I'm seeing a few seconds later. Well, actually I'm more worried about the fact that Cara and my sister are witnessing it. Zoe will ask a lot of embarrassing questions about it that much I'm already sure about.

"Get off of her! Get off of her! Lilly, tell him to get off of her." She is furious and pulls on the brown Labrador with a stubbornly strength. It's already too late to part them now. Crap, like I needed that. I'm sure my mothers won't be too thrilled when my dog comes down with puppies. Damn it, where is the stupid owner of the dog?

I sigh and place a hand on Zoe's shoulder, pulling her away while Cara buries her tear-covered face against my shirt.

Jane wraps her arms around me from behind and I can hear her giggle against my neck. What the hell is there to laugh about now?

"Your dog seems happy."

"Jane, what are they doing?" Zoe asks her, keeping her eyes focused on the dogs.

"Maybe you should better ask that your sister, I'm not that good with animals."

"Lilly?"

I clear my throat and prepare myself mentally for a very embarrassing conversation when two ten-year olds when a deep voice behind me speaks up.

"JARED! You're such a bad dog. I'm going to make up an appointment to get you castrated. God, damn it!"

Mike waves his hand at me and an apologetic grin flashes over his face while he quickly types a text into his cell.

"I'm sorry about that. If you want me to pay for the vet, I'll do it."

"Hmm,"

"What are you doing here?" I ask him, when we sit down and lean back against the tree. "Shouldn't you be working right now?"

"I am working, kind of." He seems a bit embarrassed suddenly and then he pulls out a film and rips it into dozens of tiny pieces.

XXXX

I'm starting to worry about Momma and it's one of the worst feelings I ever had. She's so damn quiet and pale. When I return from the Park I almost bump into Seth who has a strange, concentrated look on his face. The house smells of vanilla candles and a second component, something that reminds me a bit of hospital smell. Is it disinfection stuff?

My sister is going to spend the night at Cara's house and that's a good thing because it will give me an extra day without Zoe asking about what exactly Mike's dog has done with ours. Jeez, this is so embarrassing…

Mom comes out of their bedroom, her cheeks are red and I can see the tears glistening in her eyes. Melted chocolate, Momma always says our eyes remind her of melted milk chocolate.

"You came back early." She stats, throwing a plastic bag into the trash underneath the kitchen sink while I pull a yoghurt out of the fridge and start eating it halfheartedly.

Eat regularly. Eat healthy stuff. God, I'm so done with this crap…

"Is Momma sick?" I ask her, swallowing down the last spoon of the yoghurt.

She seems a bit puzzled by my question, even irritated somehow and I know that is because she's about to lie to me now. Mom sucks at lying more than anyone else I know.

"She was just tired from work and needed to rest. It's all a bit much, the preparation for the new fashion line and everything."

"Jane told me that Momma asked her if she could work less after she's done with the collection."

"I know. Your girlfriend didn't seem exactly pleased about that. Maybe that's another proof that she's too young to handle such a big company on her own."

I growl and fight the urge make a comment that will most likely lead to me getting grounded again. Jane is doing wonderful and I'm so proud that she's so strong and beautiful and brave.

Mom pours herself a cup of coffee and sits down on one of the kitchen chairs. I shove the milk over to her and watch how she adds first one, then a second pill of sweetener into the coffee.

My Mommy never does pills in my Daddy's coffee…

A wave of panic spreads through me and for a split second the fear overwhelms me with so much power that I can't breathe, no matter how much I gasp for air.

"Lilly, honey, are you alright?"

I nod my head and wrap my fingers around the leather collar on Fiona's neck. She's going to keep all my weird secrets.

"Dogsaregoodfriends.Haveyoueverwonderedwhyitisthatway,Lilly?Becausetheydon'ttalk." I had answered instantly and right now I was starting to grasp what I had actually meant back then.

XXXX

I try to stay awake as long as possible, redoing my homework, braiding my hair and doing countless other stuff in order to distract me from falling asleep. The dreams will come back when I do and I don't want them to come back, they are scaring me although I know that it's not real. It's just a dream or is it a hidden memory?

In the dreams I'm always so tiny and breakable and my heart is racing in my little chest. There is the cold leather on my cheek when I'm leaning my face against the sofa I'm sitting behind. Why am I hiding?

Tanya is talking to someone on the phone. Her voice is so cold that it makes me shiver and for some reason I can't understand the words she's speaking because they are in a language that I don't understand.

Finally she walks off, her high heels clicking on the floor when she closes the door to my father's office behind her. I don't want him to be alone with her. She's evil. Doesn't Daddy know she's a witch? Maybe I should warn him.

Slowly I stand up from my place behind the couch and walk towards the door, stopping when I hear some groans and whimpering sounds coming out of the room. Is she already hurting him? Eating his heart as she threatened to do with mine? Such an evil witch…I hate her.

I kneel down and wrap my arms tightly around myself, rocking back and forth while I bite my fingernails until I taste blood in my mouth. I need a band aid. Mommy has them in her handbag and as she's not here I decide to search for them in Tanya's. There is a lot of stuff in there, lipstick, funny smelling perfume and strange balloons. When I try to blow one up it makes my hand sticky…yuck, why is there slim on that balloon?

"Get your little paws away from my stuff!" Tanya snarls at me and I jump, throwing the entire content all over the floor. She growls and slaps me right across my face, pressing her hand against my mouth to suppress my cries.

"I wished you were dead, you little brat. Everything is your fault, only your fault. He's still refusing to get a divorce. After all I have done…damn it. Why can't you just be dead?"

I bite her hand and she lets go of me, hissing something in that strange language after me when I crawl behind the couch again. Here I'm safe from her or not?

She chuckles bitterly and kneels down to pick up her stuff. The small tablet with pills has rolled under the sofa where I'm hiding again. I sniff and shove the tablet into my little bag pack. The sweetener is pink. I could use it as Barbie food, couldn't I?

XXXX

"Underwear? You want me to let them take pictures of me in basically nothing and stuff like that?" My voice cracks, and I try to calm my temper a bit by taking several deep breaths. It isn't helping, not at all. Hadn't I made my point about this sort of thing clear when I agreed on working as a model? But here I was, sitting in the way too huge office of my beloved girlfriend, sipping on a glass of lukewarm diet coke in my hands and listened to the so-called genius idea said girlfriend had come up with during her morning meeting with my mother. They have had so many meetings in the last two months that it feels as if Momma is dating Jane instead of me. She gets to spend way more time with my girlfriend than I do. It's not fair…

"Ali and I think it's a fantastic idea."

What in heaven's name Jane and Momma have to discuss that ends up with me walking around in lace bra's is beyond me. I don't want to understand things like that. Before I allow anyone to take a picture of me where people can see my fat ass and my wobbly stomach I'd rather die. Is that some attempt to torture me?

"Don't you think it's a wonderful idea?"

Wonderful for all the shitheads in our class that are going to laugh about me behind my back, plus the few perverted ones that enjoy jacking off to the image of half-naked fatties like me. It's so gross…

"Lilly?"

I growl and cross my arms in front of my chest, turning away from her I star out of the window, ignoring the breathtaking view out into the already darkening skyline of Seattle.

"You aren't mad at me now, are you?" she asks me, wrapping her arms around me from behind. Her lips move over the exposed skin on my neck and my throat, sending a wave of unwanted lust through my entire body. I'm angry at her, disappointed even, that she doesn't seem to realize how embarrassing it is what she just suggested to me.

"Tell me what's wrong. Will you?" she whispers into my ear when I hear her fumbling with the zipper of my dress. Using sex in order to distract me is a cheap trick and I feel kind of stupid because I'm so terribly hungry for her touch that it's working.

"I don't want to pose in underwear and you know that for fucks sake!" I hiss at her, taking a few steps away from her embrace. I can't think properly when she's touching me, especially not when she's touching me like this…

She nods her head and walks over to the mahogany desk, lifts up the receiver and waits for her secretary to pick up.

"No interruptions in the next hours. No matter what kind of they might be. Fine, that's everything."

Within a minute she's back and presses me backwards against the cool leather fabric of the couch. Her mouth stiffens my lame attempt of a protest. While my mind is still occupied with being mad at her, my traitorous body is already getting tingly from head to toe. I pull her shirt over her head and circle my fingers over the ruby silk material of her bra. It looks new and way more tempting than it should be allowed.

"Very pretty," I mumble, rolling my thumbs over the small roundness of her breasts, feeling how the tips are hardening under my touch.

"It's part of the collection this new Dutch designer is doing for me. Looks sexy, doesn't it?"

"Very," I whisper, pulling down the stripes of the bra to plant a row of soft kisses down her shoulder until I reach the lace edges of the ruby colored nothing. I realize that it has a tiny crystal where it opens and I pray that it's just a crystal and not an actual diamond.

"The crystal looks so real." I mumble, when I open the clasp as carefully as possible, not wanting to damage anything.

"It should better be real for the price I'm paying for it," she stats calmly and I'm beyond impressed that she can talk about jewelry covered bra's as if that's just nothing. It's probably fun to be rich and I assume that Jane's aunt has been richer than everyone I know. Maybe even richer than everyone I know together.

"Stop thinking." she whispers, slowly pulling down the zipper of my dress until it falls down on the thick carpet next to the couch. Her mouth moves down my upper body and when she eventually closes her lips around one of my sensitive tips a moan escapes my lips before I can hold it back. Her hand strokes down my abdomen until her fingertips reach the cotton of my panties. I want her to go down on me and the thought of her tongue swirling up and between my legs is so arousing that I feel myself getting wetter than I already am. I want her. God, I want her so fucking much…

I pull down the tiny lace thong that matches the color of the bra and I stop midway when I realize how deliciously tempting it makes her backside look. Her ass is perfect, small and round. It looks good enough to eat it. My girlfriend is so beautiful that I have trouble moving my eyes away from her. I consider taking a pic of her with my cell, but before I can decide on it, she pulls us around so that she's sitting on top of me. I whimper against her mouth when she kisses me again. Hungry this time, greedily. I can feel her dripping down my thighs when she starts rubbing herself against me.

"I bought you a present." she whispers and I'm amused that she sounds almost shy about it. Jane buys me presents all the time. I have told her that she needs to stop spending money on me because it makes me feel a bit awkward because I have nothing to give back to her.

"If you don't like it, you have to tell me."

I nod my head and see how Jane's cheek turn into a bright crimson color that looks lovely against her blonde hair. Jane is so lucky, even when she blushes; she still looks so goddamn sexy.

Then she pulls out something and my own face bursts out into flames. I reach out my hand and take the toy from her, turning it around to take a closer look at it. So, this is supposed to fit inside of me? I bet that hurts like crap.

"We don't have to use it when you don't want to."

"Hmm," I mumble, switching it on and off for a few times until I finally figure out how to control the vibrations with the buttons on the top of it.

Then I lean forward and move the vibe between Jane's thighs. Her breathing comes out in raspy groans when I swirl it over her clit, down to her entrance and back up again. I love that I can make her feel like this. She's so gorgeous in her lust with her skin all flushed and her pouty lips parted slightly. I love her so much, so much that it almost hurts.

"Yes...oh fuck…yes, just like this…oh fuck."

Slowly I press the head of the toy inside of her, waiting for her to get used to it before I thrust it deeper inside her, back and forth and round and round and all over again. My own clit is starting to throb and when Jane's inner walls convulse around the toy inside her I groan against her neck and close my eyes for a moment.

Jane takes the vibrator from my trembling hand and I feel her planting several light kisses all over my over-warmed face. My hair is damp against my forehead when she pushes it away with her fingertips.

I hear the vibe against my ear before she moves it down my side, over my hipbone and my bellybutton and eventually, eventually over the moist covered skin of my outer lips. Oh and it feels good, way better than I had expected it to feel like. Jane parts my legs and kneels down between them. In the same moment her tongue flickers over my clit, she pushes the toy inside of me. The vibrations combined with the gentle circling of her tongue manage to turn my body into a bone-less mass of lust and I moan her name against her neck when the sweet release of my climax washes over me.

XXXX

The office still smells like sex although we've opened the windows for several minutes. My hair is a mess and when I give up trying to brush it and twist it into a knot; I feel Jane's warm lips against my neck again.

"I love the way you smell after we made love." She whispers and my lips curl up into a smile before her mouth touches mine so gently that I can barely feel her lips against mine.

"Am I interrupting you?" A light voice asks from the other side of the office and when we turn around my face is already red and glowing. Damn it, Lilly, try to act normal. No one knows what you and Jane just did in here. So stop with the blushing, stop it right now.

"It's fine." Jane stats and clears her throat unnecessarily before she reaches out her hand. The woman smiles at her shyly and bites her lower lip nervously.

She is tall and I instantly like her because she's not skinny. Her body is curvy and the plum silk dress she's wearing looks lovely against the light caramel tone of her skin. For a moment I wonder if she's probably one of the other models, she would be such a beautiful one.

"Good evening, Miss Mazzini. My name is Kayla Penthes. It's such a pleasure to meet you."

"Did you have a good flight?" Jane asks her when we sit down on the couch. I try not to think that we had sex on that thing a few minutes ago and force my lips into a crooked smile.

"It was wonderful, thank you, also for the beautiful Hotel you booked me in. My sister insisted that I could stay with her but I don't want to be a burden for Zafrina. It's enough that my brother can't…. Sorry, I tend to talk too much when I'm nervous."

"Don't worry about it. So, this beauty here is Miss Swan. Lilly is supposed to be the face of L.Swan but she doesn't want to do pose in the lingerie you've been designing."

"WHY? Doesn't she like it?" her voice gets the same slightly insulted sounding tone Momma's uses when I tell her that I don't want to wear anything she's made. It makes me feel guilty because I know how hard designers actually work on their stuff.

"I'm sure the things you've designed are lovely. I just don't want anyone to see me wearing them."

"Oh, I got it. You are shy."

"She's not that shy." Jane assures her, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. Her fingertips circle up and down my forearm, before she eventually takes my hand in hers.

"It hasn't got anything to do with being shy when you don't like the thought of people laughing at you behind your back."

"I assure you that no one is going to be laughing about you when you are wearing MY designs but if you are just concerned about people seeing you. Well, I have an idea how to avoid this risk completely."

XXXX

"A mask? You are supposed to wear a mask for this?" Mom asks me skeptically while I help her cleaning out the attic. We have way too much crap up there and I don't know why but somehow my mothers have decided that we need more space but the embarrassing truth is that all of us have trouble with throwing away stuff, especially that kind of that holds memories of any kind.

"It's pretty mask with a veil and tiny crystals all over it. Oh and I get to wear a tiara for it as well. That's part of the princess theme."

"I don't like the idea of you posing in almost nothing. Jane probably talked you into agreeing to this."

I throw a few books into the box in front of me when my eyes catch a copy of Romeo and Juliet. I've not read that before and so I put that one on the—we need to keep it pile.

"If I've said no to it, Jane would have understood. There is a huge difference between talking people into doing something and encouraging them. Unlike you, Jane always makes me feel good about the way I look."

She looks down at her shoes and sighs deeply.

"Just for the record, if you were thin I wouldn't want you to do lingerie modeling as well."

"I AM NOT THIN! I'll probably never be thin and there is nothing that I can do about that. You've been telling me my entire life that I'm too fat and I'm so done with this crap!"

"Lower your voice, Lilly."

"I can speak as loud as I want too, if you don't like my temper that's your problem not mine."

"Oh Lilly, please, I don't want to fight with you again. I just want to make sure that Jane isn't rushing you into this modeling thing."

She takes the huge Barbie house and is just about to put it on the—we can do without it pile, when I call out to stop her.

"No! Not the house. I want to keep that."

"What for? It takes away so much space and your sister hasn't played with it in forever."

"It's MY Barbie house and I want to keep it for…," Well for what actually? Maybe, because I have this very faint memory of me, playing with it together with my father? I remember how I made him pull the string for the elevator up and down until I fell asleep on his lap. I don't even know if that's a real memory or just something I've made up.

"We really need some extra room in this house. You are too old to play with stuff like this anyway."

"I want to keep it for my kids."

"If you have kids, I'll buy you a new Barbie house. I promise." She assures me and I run my fingertips over the pink glitter roof of the house.

"We could put it in the garage." I state, circling my fingers over the tiny kitchen equipment. I touch the little cups and plates while I remember how I always had to keep Fido from eating them accidentally.

"The Garage is crowded enough without your house here. Seriously, Lilly, you need to learn to let go of unnecessary things."

I take a deep breath and nod my head. Then I take several of the smaller items like the bathtub and the little stove, placing them carefully on the steps. At least I'm going to keep a bit of it. Crap, now I feel like crying…

XXXX

"You look tired." I whisper when I park the car in front of the huge office building of Volturi Inc. Momma sighs and I can see that she's trying hard to keep up a joyful face. If she's sick, she shouldn't be working. Maybe, I should ask Jane to give her a day off, or better an entire week. She's so incredibly pale right now, way paler than usual. I hope it's not her heart again…

"I'm fine. Thank you. Please, stop mentioning that I look tired. It's actually rude to point that out."

"I'm just worried about you."

"There is no need to worry. You are just like your mother when it comes to things like that."

I roll my eyes at that comment while we step into the elevator to Jane's office. Her secretary has already ordered coffee and donuts and when I kiss my girlfriend I can taste a bit of the strawberry frosting on her lips and it's absolutely delicious.

We sit down on the couch and I pull Jane on my lap while Momma and Kayla start discussing fabrics and other stuff. I risk a first glimpse on the black lace corsage I'm supposed to be wearing for the photo-session and although I consider it really pretty, I'm still worried about everything. Jane starts playing with my hair and when she speaks up her voice is smooth like liquid honey.

"I want you wear your hair like this when we do the shooting. None of this straightening stuff. Will you do that for me?"

Instead of answering her, I cup her face in my left hand and caress her cheekbone with my thumb. Her skin is soft and I kiss her sweet lips over and over again until Momma clears her throat twice and I eventually manage to pull back.

"They are so cute together." Kayla stats cheerfully, handling Momma a sheet of paper with a sketch on it.

"Hmm, yes, they are. You should have seen them as kids. It was so adorable. Just look." She mumbles and pulls a picture out of her handbag. It's the Halloween one and my mouth curls up into a smile when I look at Jane's tiny face when she tries so hard to look evil. My little witch, I'm so blessed that she's part of my life.

"Well, that's something, a witch and a princess. Maybe we should add a witch to the whole princess theme. If Miss Mazzini agrees to it that is."

"Agrees to what?" Momma asks her, raising one eyebrow.

"I want her to do the lingerie photo-shooting together with Lilly. It would be so fantastic. They look so good together and I can totally picture…,"

"I'm not a model. In case you haven't noticed that so far, I own this place. CEO's don't advertise for lingerie."

"So, and their girlfriends do. Don't they?"

"That's different, gioia. Firstly, your parents aren't total prudes and secondly, you are going to wear a mask on the pictures. No one is going to know it's you."

"You could wear one as well, maybe something in black velvet or something like this."

"Oh please, say yes, I would feel so much better if I could do the pictures together with you."

XXXX

Momma's alarm starts beeping and she pulls the pills out of her handbag to swallow them without water.

"I have diet coke in the car, if you want some." I tell her, wondering if her talking about being okay is not just an attempt to make me feel better. She can safe that for Mom, if she thinks it's necessary but I can handle the truth. If she's sick, she needs to take a break from work and to listen to what Grandpa tells her. More sleep, no physical over doing. This carrying around Zoe has to stop too.

"Are you sick?" I ask her directly and her eyes widen in surprise.

"No,"

"Would you tell me if you were?"

"I think so. Look, Lilly, everything is okay. Please, stop worrying."

Her face turns greenish and when a split second later after I pull over, she opens the door of the Porsche and throws up a mixture of orange juice and acid. I rub her back in small circles until the cramps finally subside and she leans back against the passenger's seat again.

"Did I drive too fast?"

"No, you didn't. I'm sorry about this I don't know why…crap, he told me that the new medication wouldn't make me nauseous."

We have to stop the car twice before we are in front of Stefan and Angela's house. I've suggested driving her to the hospital but for some reason, she doesn't want to go there. Maybe, because she's afraid they'd keep her there. Maybe that would be better though…

"Is Seth here?" I ask Cara who is sitting on the porch, her little nose stuck in a book on her lap.

"Seth! Lilly and Ali are here! Seth!"

Benjamin and Seth come out of the house and while Benjamin starts snarling something in Romanian to his little sister, Seth instantly turns his entire attention to my chalk-white mother.

"What happened?"

"Nothing,"

"You are white as a ghost because of nothing?"

"Oh god, I got sick again from the medication you gave me. It's not a big deal."

"Leave it to me to decide what's a big deal or not." He mumbles, wrapping two fingers around her wrist to check her pulse.

"That's unnecessary. I'm fine. I really am."

"Your father wasn't joking when he told me you are difficult as a patient."

Momma frowns while he continues examining her. Now and then he makes some humming sounds.

"It's her heart. Isn't it?" I ask him directly when he pulls an injection needle out of his bag.

"Lilly, can you go inside and play with Cara until we're finished here?"

"I'm not going anywhere before you tell what's wrong with her." I state, kneeling down next to her.

"You can tell me, you know. I'm not a child anymore."

Seth sighs and exchanges a look with my mother that I don't like at all.

"I'll give the two of you some privacy, Ali. Tell her, well…consider telling her. She's going to find out anyway in a few weeks, I guess."

"Seth is a good doctor." Momma whispers as soon as he is out of sight.

"Please, stop worrying about me, honey. I have enough of that from your mother. I need someone who treats me like I'm not sick."

"But you are sick."

"No, I'm not. We'll just have to experiment a bit with the medication Seth is giving me."

"What was wrong with the medication you were taking before? Isn't it working anymore?"

"Sometimes it's good to try something new."

I wonder what it in heaven's name is supposed to be good about vomiting her guts out. Her face returns to her usual ivory color and her lips turn into the weak attempt of a smile.

"Did you ever want something in your life more than anything else, sweetie?"

Often, I think, nodding my head. I take her hand in mine and rub her fingers between mine until they aren't so cold anymore.

"I love you, Momma. Are you going to tell me what's wrong with you?"

"Oh, sweetie, I love you too and you have to trust me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. My heart is not working like it should right now but I'm stronger than it. I need to be stronger than it and if I can't…," her voice cracks and I wonder if she's going to cry now.

"You have to promise me to take care of your mother and sister. Zoe and Bella will need you in case…well, they'll just need you."

I feel tears in my eyes and I swallow hard to keep them from falling. I'm scared now, like I've never been scared before in my life.

"Don't say stuff like that to me. You said, you are okay and now you act as if you have to prepare me for the worst. I want the truth and I want it now."

She smiles and takes my hand in hers, turning it around for a few times before she eventually lets go of my wrist.

"Everything in life that holds a value holds a risk. I wanted this for so long, probably for longer than I knew it myself."

I take her hand again and she places our joint fingers carefully against her chest where her weak heart is beating against our fingertips. After a few moments she moves them lower until our palms are resting somewhere underneath her belly button.

"I really want to have this baby."