Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.
This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness. A stab at those zombie flicks.
Broadcast 36
On a tropical beach. Willy Raven and the children are playing in the shallows. Teague is lounging on a deck chair with a rum cocktail. Honest Tom, dressed as a butler, is standing by with a jug of iced rum.
Teague: So nice of you to join us, Tom my man… (lifts up empty glass for his first mate to refill) Thought ye be takin' yer missus' advice and rearin' goats on land.
Honest Tom: I can rear them goats on a ship as well, sir. Tamara's fond of goat milk. Maybe make some feta cheese. I be tied to de sea as much as ye, Capt'n.
Mister Gibbs comes running out of some bushes after a fleeing pig with two silver chalices tied onto its back. The two pirates exchange stunned looks as Gibbs and hog disappear back into the undergrowth.
Teague: Tom, what time is it?
Honest Tom: Time fer the broadcast methinks.
Teague: Right ye be… but it is my day off… Let Sri the Chipmunk do… (turns and sees some local cannibals boiling the Pirate Lord in a pot) Never mind… Ahoy ye seadogs! First on the news. We have a vacancy for a Pirate Lord as apparently the local cannibals here enjoy their curried long hog. We Englishmen are apparently too bland for their palates. Pirates are strongly advised to avoid the following places as they now fall under the East India Trading Bastards or others of their ilk – Goa, Hong Kong, Singapore and Macau. Another Pirate Lord vacancy in the Pacific as Granny Ching has married her cabin boy like the cradle-snatcher she is.
A seagull lands on Tom's head. Tom grabs it, wrings its neck and tears off a note tied to its leg. Tossing the dead fowl aside, he reads the note.
Honest Tom: More news. Senor Villanueva has been captured by the Spanish navy off Hispaniola. The Gentleman has fallen afoul of some Somalian pirates and murdered in his hammock. Ammand has been sunk by the Turkish navy in the Sea of Marmara. Captaine Chevalle arrested at his sister's inn in Marseilles for non-payment of loans. Aye, this be a grim day for all pirates indeed…
Teague: Aye, grim indeed. Chevalle, imprisoned for owing his sister money? That is most embarrassing. That leaves Jackie boy and Hector still on the waves… hopefully. Hector, ye best finish up yer fun wi' the Royal Navy and git back to pirating proper, ye hear?
Temperance: Grandpa! We found a cave where the water flows upwards!
Teague: No fibbing, childe. It's rude to lie to yer captain… Water flowing upwards? Pah! It's like pigs flying…
Teague pauses as the silver-bearing hog flies past them on snowy white wings with Mister Gibbs still in pursuit.
Teague: Hey, hey! What gives? Methinks there be some weird mojo on this here place! Ahoy there! Where's this- (waves to a ragged sailor shuffling by)
Sailor turns to reveal he is a zombie.
Honest Tom: Uh-uh… Methinks our insurances do not cover zombie attacks.
Screams from the children and the other members of the Misty Lady's crew as they come under attack by a mob of zombies in the manner of all those old zombie flicks. Teague is letting fly with pistols in both hands. Honest Tom is fending the zombies off with an axe.
Scene switch to Lizzie Turner's place in Port Royal where a very harried-looking Lizzie is bouncing a screaming William Turner III on her hip and doing business with a trader.
Lizzie: Two guineas! That is my final offer! Deal?
Trader nods and accepts the cash before ordering his apprentice to wheel in the barrels of fish.
Lizzie: Dear listeners, I have been called upon to cover the pirate broadcast in the Codekeeper's stead due to an unfortunate incident. First, I will cover the weather report. A good westerly wind in the East Coast and showers off Haiti. A 10 percentage chance of zombies in Florida's Couch republic. Trading patterns in the Caribbean is picking up in the Slaver's Triangle and are almost back to pre-Pirate War levels. Oh, excuse me…
Lizzie trots off to put her son to bed. Anamaria strolls in from the kitchens with a letter in her hand.
Anamaria: I have just received a request from Captain Teague and our sponsors to the folks over at World War Z to keep their zombies in their fandom and out of ours. (looks around and fails to see her friend) Now an advertisement- for cheap rum and fisticuffs, drop by Scoundrel Jamie's tonight.
A very rattled Willy Raven and her brood walk in through the front door of the inn. Their clothes are in tatters and they look the worse for the wear.
Willy Raven: Tea! We need some tea and milk. And some cookies!
Anamaria: (grabs shotgun) Ya aren't zombies, are ya?
Teague: (climbing in through window with Honest Tom) Stand down, Ana. We showed those zombies off… Now what's the title event at yer tavern tonight?
Anamaria: Punchout - Seamus the Irishman versus Jacko the African. Da door is open, ya know…
Teague: I can't be seen walking through the doors of a gentrified establishment like this… Put a fiver fer me on the Irishman…
Anamaria: Got ya, Capt'n. (leaves)
Teague: Good day, Mrs Turner… (tips his hat at Lizzie as she returns with the tea trolley) Any chance of alcohol?
Lizzie: There's French brandy and rum…
Teague: Fair enough. Now lemme take the broadcast off ye.
Lizzie: Great, you are just in time for the Agony Aunt section. Ginger snaps? (offers plate of ginger snaps and other cookies to children)
Teague: …
Willy Raven, the children and Honest Tom adjourn for tea and biscuits.
Lt. Groves: (calling in) Hello? We've stopped Blackbeard's crew at the Fountain but now the Spanish are swarming all over…
Teague: Do what ya need to do, man…
Lt. Groves: Right! For king and country! (grabs Union Jack flag and makes his last stand)
Teague: (hears a loud gunshot) Oh, it's been nice knowing ya.
Jack Sparrow: DA! We've a bit of a problem here! There's this lassie I'm sweet on but her dad's a selfish jerk. I've only one chance to save her but I'm 'fraid she'd give it all up fer her dad…
Teague: Gee, how come ye never risked yer life to save yer old da…
Jack Sparrow: Never had the need to…
Lizzie: Captain Jack, how nice to know you finally found someone special… Now use that wit you're so proud of and save her. Hoodwink them or something.
Jack Sparrow: Gee, thanks, Lizzie. I'm Jack Sparrow, I can get away with anything. (hangs up)
Teague: What? No thanks fer yer old da?
Anamaria: (from outside window) Jack! Ye still owe me for that shipment of rum!
Mama Mermaid: (calling in) I'm at my wit's end! My youngest daughter was kidnapped by some pirates!
Teague: So? Let the lass have her adventure and see the world.
Mama: They're probably making my poor baby girl cry… That's not the worst of it. With them is this young man my baby seems to be developing feelings for…
Teague: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love wi' each other and rush off to start family. Same old story. What's so bad about it, ma'am?
Mama: The man's a freakin' Bible-thumping preacher type.
Teague: Gut the little bastard!
Lizzie splashes tea into Captain Teague's face.
Lizzie: I'm sorry, Codekeeper. But I must insist you keep a civil tongue in your head before the children. Madame. Even though you might not be keen on having a preacher walking out with your daughter. Please do consider the fact that it is her happiness we are speaking of and she deserves to make her own decisions on that account. Perhaps you might ask that she bring back this young man for you to meet?
Hector: Bummer, I messed up. I lost my navy crew and the Providence to a shoal of ravenous mermaids. Then the Spanish pop up to rain on our party at the Fountain. Me second-in-command Teddy Groves just got himself shot so I can't dump the mess on his lap. At least I killed Blackbeard. What would ye suggest, Captain T?
Teague: It is clear that privateering doesn't agree with your robust constitution. Go back to piracy. Sure there is at least one ship nearby short of a captain now, if you get my hint?
Hector: Hey, Lizzie. Can I be wee Willie's godpa? I'd take him pirating soon as he starts toddling…
Lizzie: Sorry, Hector. Jack's got that honour.
Hector: What? Ye'll rather trust that swaggering beanstick of a drunk than jolly old Uncle Hector?
Lizzie: And I'd prefer William to stay close until he's much older, thank you.
Teague snatches a ginger cookie from the tea tray and wolfs it down. Then he starts choking on it.
Willy Raven: My word, I believe you used too much spice on the cookies…
Teague is still choking, stumbles and hits his head on the table's edge. Willy and Honest Tom go to his aid as a breathless Mercy comes running.
Mercy: Mama! There be a troop of navy men heading this way.
Lizzie: Gracious me! I forgot tonight is the Fort Charles' whist club dinner. Hurry! Out the back door!
Pirate broadcast ends as Willy Raven and Honest Tom lug an out-cold Teague out the back of the Admiral James' Inn with the children in tow.
Author's Notes:
I've been agonizing over whether to make this the last broadcast for a while, or drag it out.
The next one is definitely the last, at least until Disney releases the next installment of the PotC movies.