A/N: WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN? How long has it been this time? A year and a half? I am so sorry! I promise I will be writing more often this year. Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me through my absence.

Warning: This is pure crack with a dash of OOCness. I am a bit rusty.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Neji wants to kill someone.

He glares holes through the floorboards of his sensei's living room and crosses his arms. Beside him, Tenten is tensely seated with her back pressed firmly against the sofa. Her expression is strained, her features contorted in a hybrid between a cringe and frown, as her face shifts through varying shades of red. Lee is next to her, soaking up his sensei's words like a sponge, eyes shining in admiration.

Across from the three genin, Gai is talking animatedly about the wonders of copulation.

"But Gai-sensei, does it hurt?" Lee asks, oblivious to his teammates' discomfort.

Tenten makes a small noise of discontent and her clenched knuckles whiten as she tries to restrain herself from bolting. Neji wants to smack his head against the coffee table.

"Only if the youthful man is not gentle with the virgin flower. "

Lee is nodding in awe. Tenten hunches her shoulders, averting her gaze from her sensei's face to her hands, and tries to take deep, calming breaths. Neji, for only the second time in his life, wants to cry. Of course they had learned about sex while studying at the Academy, but it had not been nearly as painful as this. Iruka was mercifully quick in explaining the activity, but Lee, sweet, innocent Lee, still had questions that Iruka sensei had refused to answer. Gai, as if the obscene amount of green were not proof enough, is not tactful Iruka sensei, and has a tendency to be embarrassingly blunt and overly vivid.

"Why is virginity so special?"

Die, Lee Neji chants in his mind. Tenten has similarly murderous thoughts.

"Because you can never regain it. You must only give your virginity to someone you love and trust," Gai advises sagely.

Tenten misses how Lee's eyes slide to glance at her, but Neji doesn't, and the Hyuuga's already pale fists grow whiter as he restrains himself.

"How many children can you have?"

"Why, as many as your youthful heart desires, Lee!"

"I want 100 kids!" Lee shouts, arms flailing in the air in excitement. Tenten swats at him, trying to avoid being hit.

"Lee, you can't have 100 kids!" she snaps as she tries to mask her discomfort with irritation.

"But why not, Tenten? I'll be gentle."

The image of Lee having sex, and then the image of Lee having sex with Tenten, coupled with the thought of 100 mini Lee's, is too much for Neji to handle. He stands abruptly, accidentally elbowing Tenten in the process, and heads towards the door without a word, ignoring his sensei's shouts. He hears a crash as Tenten pushes Lee away from her and follows him out into the evening air.

Neji has paused on the porch, presumably waiting for her to catch up. Tenten notices his skin is a sickly gray color, and she backs away slightly, just in case he vomits. If she weren't so disgruntled and emotionally exhausted herself, she might have smirked at him. To think, the great Neji Hyuuga, fearless warrior and the epitome of cool, calm, and collected, would be so flustered over sex. She almost does crack a smile, but quickly erases its traces from her face when Neji turns to eye her, his expression grave.

"I don't want children," he tells her.

She nods in agreement, though she knows, even with her limited knowledge of the Hyuuga clan, that they will want their prodigy to reproduce. But to lighten his mood she adds, "And more than that, I don't want Lee to have children."

Neji can see her skin crawl at the thought and he smirks. Tenten is too tired to manage a smile with her lips, but she knows Neji can see it in her eyes. The pressure in her chest releases as she breathes in the crisp night air.

"Just a fair warning, though," the Hyuuga begins after a moment of silence, "Lee will probably ask you to have sex with him."

And her face flushes once again, too mortified to ask how Neji has come to this terrifying conclusion. She searches her teammate's features in desperation, praying that Neji has just magically acquired a sense of humor.

"He loves you and trusts you, and likely assumes you feel the same about him," Neji responds to her unvoiced inquiry.

"That's disgusting!" Tenten's voice is unnaturally pinched. Neji shrugs, leaning his forearms against the rail.

"Just tell him you've already given up your virginity."

"And if he asks to whom?"

"Me."

Tenten is silent for so long Neji turns to check if she is still there. She is stunned, both that Neji would ever agree to her telling such a lie, but also that she does not mind the idea of having sex with the prodigy. The flood of dirty images that follow undoubtedly put the Icha Icha Paradise series to shame.

"O-okay," she squeaks quietly. "Goodnight, Neji." She quickly brushes past him, ducking her head, before he can ask if she would like him to walk her home. Neji vaguely wonders if he will go to hell for this, but finds that he does not care in comparison to the insurmountable satisfaction he feels as being Tenten's imaginary first.

He heads off the porch, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He is ashamed that he is looking forward to Tenten refusing Lee's offer of sex.

He resigns to kill Lee afterwards, before word gets around.

But then again, maybe not.

A/N: Neji you sly dog. ;) On a side note, I am accepting requests. Please message me with a one word prompt.

Thank you for reading and please review!

~M.I.