Author's note: Warning: this chapter contains some intense, though not graphic descriptions of interrogation and psychological torture.
October 7, 1975
Lapis didn't know how much time had passed since speaking with Peridot. It could have been hours, it could have been days. No way of knowing.
She sat in a dark basement somewhere, alone. She wasn't bound or handcuffed to anything as she might have expected; it was too secure and too dark for any movement to do any good.
At first she'd been too tired and suffered too much pain to really move or do anything. Her eyes seemed unable to adjust to the darkness; there wasn't a single point of light or shade she could use as a reference point. So she just laid there, thinking. Trying to keep herself sane.
No idea where she was. She'd lost consciousness the instant Jasper had punched her back at the beach house. She flashed awake once or twice on the car ride, only to be sedated by another large woman she didn't recognize. The rest of the trip was spent in a deep, dreamless sleep.
Then she woke up here.
After awhile she started to move again. Tried to determine how large the cell was, feeling her way blindly across the room. She guessed it was about ten feet before she bumped into a wall.
Then a light flickered on, blinding her. But she could make out the outlines of someone walking towards her. And they were holding a syringe.
Lapis knew what was coming, but was too weak and disoriented to fight back. She might have managed a few feeble "nos" before she felt the prick of the syringe against her arm.
"Ma'am, just relax," a calm, male voice insisted as she pulled away from him. "You aren't in any danger and won't suffer any further pain. Pretty soon you'll tell us everything we want to know."
"You won't get anything from me," Lapis hissed defiantly.
"Just wait a minute and you'll discover that you're wrong," the man responded. Lapis thought she detected a trace of a foreign accent, but couldn't place it.
It didn't take long for Lapis to start feeling lightheaded. But she managed to stand and face her tormentor, struggling to make out his outline through the harsh light.
"Who are you?" she asked.
"I'm a Doctor," he said, still preternaturally calm. "I'm here to ensure that no harm comes to you during your interrogation. Of course, if you cooperate like we expect, my presence should be superfluous. Aquamarine said that you're a tough girl and won't be suggestible to violence, so we're trying another way."
"What other way?" Lapis said. Her thoughts started growing cloudy as she spoke.
"There are many ways to bring the truth out of someone," the Doctor said. "Many kinds of interrogation. Direct application of pain is simply the crudest and most dramatic. Sometimes we can use water or psychological threats to break down resistance. Sometimes electricity works, though it's even more crude than just hitting someone. But drugs...well, they have their flaws. They don't always work. But they're worth trying. Especially in a controlled environment."
"I don't care what you give me..." Lapis began. But her knees startled to buckle, and she felt faint.
"Don't fight it," the Doctor said, almost soothingly. "Just wait a minute or two longer and we can begin. And all the pain you've experience will be an unpleasant memory."
Lapis felt herself starting to sweat, even as her heart slowed and her head started to spin harder. Her temples pounded in her ears.
She collapsed to her knees, then slumped forward. It was a struggle now just to keep her head RAISED.
"Nothing you give me will make me talk," she insisted, her voice audible only through great effort.
"We'll see," the Doctor said, his voice growing distorted in Lapis's ears.
Lapis blinked and, for the briefest of moments, her vision suddenly clear. She could see the doctor, a middle aged man with a bland smile and horn-rim glasses, standing before her.
And behind him, Jasper and the other tall woman from the car stood. The second woman's face was appropriately grim, but Jasper's, as always, had the hint of sadistic sneer.
Lapis opened her mouth to scream, but only the quietest, saddest squeak escaped.
Then the light flashed again, and everything spun into a blur. And a barrage of voices demanding the same thing from her.
"Where are the Jewels? Where did you hide them? I know you can speak...Don't play dumb."
"You have to give the drug a chance to take effect..."
"Where are the Jewels, Lazuli? We'll ask until you tell us..."
"Jasper, please be careful..."
"Fuck off with your concern, Topaz. It's annoying and useless and weak...much like yourself. Besides, Lapis and I have a history..."
"Then maybe, if you can't be dispassionate you ought not to be present."
"I believe I've earned the right to do what I want."
...Silence...Faded, flashing images and indistinct sounds...
...Faces she recognized, voices she didn't...
...Until a new voice came into her ears...sweet, melodic, yet even more menacing than Jasper or Topaz...
"Miss Lazuli, I know you aren't stupid. You aren't talking because you know that's the best key to staying alive...Or, at least you think so. Which is why I'll tell you the plain truth..."
...Another flash into darkness, garbled images struggling to process through her mind...
"...You're expendable."
"Where are the Jewels, Lapis?"
"Where did you say? Somewhere in..."
Every now and then, a distinct question or phrase punctured through the gloom, but mostly it was aural chaos, one sentence indistinguishable from the next, one voice bleeding into another...
"...Secrets from us. Well, we can't have that, because we're the ones who keep the secrets, not you..."
"...Where are they?"
"...Did you give her too much?"
"I worked out a careful dosage..."
"Just let me break her fingers! That'll do the trick..."
"Lapis, please talk! We don't want to hurt you, but..."
"You have to realize there are consequences to your actions..."
"...Where are the Jewels? We know you still have them somewhere..."
"Just tell us where they are..."
"...Fine, it's your mission in life to suffer. Your fate. Your just desserts..."
"...That's all we need to know..."
"...You're worthless...and you think keeping a secret and protecting your friends will make you strong...But you're wrong..."
"...The truth, Lapis. That's it..."
"...You're Lapis Lazuli, no matter what you say or do..."
"...That would be enough..."
"...You're Lapis Lazuli..."
After awhile, Lapis started to think the voices were inside her own head.
Maybe, after awhile, they were.
Did she answer? Did she tell them anything?
She couldn't remember. She didn't think so.
But if she didn't, why did they stop?
And, for that matter, how long until they came back?
And what would happen then?
It took awhile for her mind and her body to return to something like normal. By then, the light had turned out and the voices were gone.
And it didn't seem to matter. Because she knew they'd be back.
The government had already done so much to her mind and body, why not reclaim it wholesale?
So she sat in the dark, trying not to cry, trying not to go insane or to let her depression devour her, as it always did when she was alone with her thoughts. Trying to think of something, anything to keep the darkness out of her mind.
Eventually she managed to play through a fantasy that gave her a few moments of peace.
Her and Peridot, in a house somewhere, together.
Lapis standing at the kitchen counter, making food (a strange detail, since she couldn't cook anything more complicated than a TV dinner. But then she felt pretty sure Peridot couldn't either). Wearing a pretty sundress. Her hair, in a strange detail, dyed a bright, vibrant blue again.
Peridot sitting at the kitchen table, wearing work clothes, reading a newspaper.
The two of them chuckling at something silly. Lapis holding Peridot close, kissing her forehead and refusing to let go.
They were talking, but Peridot couldn't make out any words that they were saying. Which was fine. It was a vague fantasy, not a definite story.
The scene ended in a tableaux of them embracing with a warmth, a simple contentedness never found it real life, even under optimal circumstances. But it brought a tear to Lapis's eye every time she thought about it.
It was a waking dream that kept her going. Something positive. Something to look forward to.
Something that offered her hope.
It amazed her how much she cared about Peridot after such a short acquaintance. It amazed her that she could still let someone into heart, that someone else could still matter to her.
She still had Catherine somewhere in the back of her mind. Always wondered what had happened to her after that night her life went horribly wrong. Never particularly cared to find out. Because the thought of her first love being sad and unfulfilled crushed Lapis even more. And selfishly, the thought of her being happy without her made her feel even worse.
Maybe Lapis didn't matter. Maybe she was an awful person who had done unforgivable things. Things that ruined her life on Earth and doomed her to Hell afterwards. Things she couldn't escape.
Maybe she was Evil, as she'd said to Peridot on the beach, as she told herself constantly since then.
But Peridot wasn't.
And, she thought, neither are the Crystal Gems.
And, she dreamed, there might be a chance they could make a difference. That the world could be made better.
And, she hoped, maybe even I can play a part. Maybe I can do something to make my life worthwhile.
She warmed to the thought, even if she didn't yet fully believe it. But in that moment, a fire long extinguished rekindled in Lapis's heart.
There were things to live for, now. A person to live for.
That would be enough.
And, she decided, I am going to live. I am getting out of here.
If it kills me.
She barely remembered her phone call with Peridot, except that it happened. The woman - Topaz? - gave her a notepad which she read from, then disconnected the phone once Lapis had said what she needed.
Lapis never talked to her interrogators unless she had to. But it was easy to size them up.
The Doctor was a cool, calm, professional sadist. It's clear he regarded Lapis as a subject or even as a plaything rather than a person, any conversation or protests she made an amusing novelty, like a talking doll. Not worth the effort, and Lapis didn't bother after awhile.
Topaz was the Good Cop. She was the one who seemed human. Who did what she did because she had to, but clearly let it eat at her. Who found the whole thing distasteful and irritating at best. But Lapis never got any time alone with her, so she didn't see much chance of reaching out for help. And there was no way in Hell she trusted her, anyway.
There's always someone who plays cool to get on your good side, lets you spill your guts and open up and admit your secret plans. And then smashes you with the hammer of the Gods.
Lapis had done this long enough to realize when she was being played. So she kept her distance from Topaz, no matter the apparent hesitation or reticent looks on her face.
She didn't see Aquamarine often enough to really know much about her. But she recognized her voice every time she did. The accent, the sweetly-condescending tone, the doom-laden threats and imprecations laced with sweetness and silk.
She was hopeless. The kind of monster who relished being a villain, who had forfeited their humanity long ago.
And then there was Jasper.
Jasper was the only one Lapis really feared. At least at first. Because she and Jasper had a history.
Because she was the reason Jasper was involved in this situation in the first place.
She still couldn't figure out how Jasper had survived getting shot at such close range. Or if she really had. Because she coughed constantly, occasionally spouting blood, occasionally so weakened by her fits that she had to rush out of the room in the middle of an interrogation.
That could have given Lapis some comfort, an awful person suffering a slow, painful death. Except it was Lapis's fault she was there.
She had double the reason to hurt her, now. And if her days were numbered, she might be even more reckless, more unstable.
And Lapis certainly guessed that from her talk.
Jasper had always seemed crude and violent before. And she was still both of those things. But there was a strange serenity to her voice, however savage and cutting her words. A glint in her eye that wasn't there before.
Lapis struggled to puzzle out what it meant. The first thought was that Jasper had simply grown unhinged, and maybe there was some of that. But, unhinged how? That would determine how she'd act, what she'd do to her.
She seemed to relish asking Lapis questions, even if Aquamarine didn't usually allow her to inflict Lapis herself. The one exception came when she tried waterboarding Lapis, and nearly drowned her by dumping a whole bucket of water on her head at once. Aquamarine dismissed her from the room and took over the interrogation at once. But she could deliver words with a venom that shook Lapis to her core.
She'd wronged many people in her life. Some who deserved it, some who didn't. But Jasper was one of those who could hurt her back. Or worse.
"All right, brat. I know you're not gonna tell me anything more, and I'm not authorized to use force. Pretty sure we're being watched as we speak."
She pulled a chair into the middle of the room and sat under the light. Lapis sat with her head between her knees.
"Let's put something straight: you will talk. It's only a matter of time, and finding the right way to make you talk. You've endured a lot of mess, and I give you credit for that. But then, I don't imagine you have much of a soul left."
Lapis said nothing, staring at the floor.
"If you had one to begin with."
Jasper clearly wanted to get a rise out of her. So Lapis pursed her lips and refused to acknowledge her.
"I don't know what makes a girl that way," Jasper continued, her tone more conversational than intimidating. "You're given an opportunity to serve your country and you piss it all away. For what?"
"Given an opportunity?" Lapis snapped at that. Jasper smiled in satisfaction at eliciting a reaction.
"I was blackmailed into doing this job," Lapis said. "I never wanted to do it in the first place! And now I'm here because...it was all your fault."
Jasper shook her head.
"No Lapis, that's where you're wrong. In fairness, it's not really your fault, either. God made you the way you were, for reasons only He knows. Still, you gotta play with the cards you're dealt. You still have free will and the ability to control your life."
Lapis put her head down again and clenched her eyes shut.
"Even if you have these unnatural urges, surely you didn't have to act on them. You could have dated or even married a nice boy and settled down and kept that part of yourself hidden. Locked away. Like so many other people."
Lapis hated the words, hated Jasper's hatred. But she detected a note of weariness and self-loathing in her own voice.
"But instead, you did what you did, and you got caught. Found out. And that's on you. Not us. Not whoever lured you to that party or gave you that drink or took those photographs. That was you. If you had nothing to hide, no one would have been able to set you up. No one would have made you work for us. No one would have made you...this."
Lapis hoped that her mind was strong enough to resist Jasper's taunts. One slip up, one external confirmation of her own darkest fears, and the circle of gloom and depression would begin again. And from there, no hope.
"Looked at your file, Lapis, I'm impressed. You wrote and said and did some heinous shit while you were an operative. Really went above and beyond the call of duty. There was a memo from an agent to Jim Angleton marking you as "our top domestic surveillance agent in the Midwest, known for her ruthless and innovative methods." High praise indeed!"
Lapis gritted her teeth, wishing Jasper would stop. Instead, she continued.
"Given what I knew about you, I was a bit puzzled. At first I thought, hey, maybe she just took professional pride in her work.
"But then I thought, maybe she liked it. Maybe she enjoyed destroying people. And maybe she's an even bigger monster than I am."
Lapis had had this exact conversation with herself a million times. She didn't need Jasper telling her all this (which, she assumed, is why Jasper did just that, especially given her gleeful, sadistic tone). Her face flushed with fear and embarrassment. But she said nothing in response.
"That's the difference between you and me, Lapis. I'm just a thug. I'm not all that smart - clever, maybe; crafty, sure - but not a genius. I could never think of how to write a poison pen letter like this or figure out how to unravel a radical group from the inside out using only words. I'm on the business end of things. I'm a blunt instrument whereas you're a fine-tipped pen. I don't really mind my work, most of the time, but I'm not sure I ever enjoyed it.
"So maybe," she said, flashing Lapis another leonine grin, "that means you're worse than me!"
Lapis felt a dam burst in her brain. She could barely hear Jasper's actual words over her own angry, self-loathing thoughts crashing against her.
"A person who isn't guilty doesn't try to kill herself. Repeatedly. I thought about that, too."
Was Jasper talking? Or was Lapis saying this to herself?
"And that's why I'm going to kill you."
That one was definitely Jasper.
Lapis looked up at her tormentor, who had stood up from the chair and started moving towards her. She gasped and slunk backwards.
"Oh, not today. Not while you're of use to us. Not while you have information to recover. But I figured there must be a reason why I survived getting shot, and you're it."
She looked at Jasper and saw that strange sheen in her eye again. And gasped.
"Don't you see, Lapis?" she asked. "You can't kill me! Because I'm destined to kill you! God saved both of us for a purpose. To cleanse your sin, and mine, in one glorious burst of bloodletting. It's only a matter of time..."
"You're crazy," Lapis whispered, backing towards the wall.
"Maybe," Jasper agreed, though the thought only made her smile wider. "But, as you and I know full well, God can work through anyone. Especially the mad."
Something snapped inside Lapis's brain. She couldn't take it any more.
She stood up with a cry, rushed forward and headbutted the woman in the chest. Aiming as close as she could to the gunshot wound.
Jasper fell backwards a step or two, not harmed or affected much by the blow itself. At first she seemed more amused than hurt.
After a moment, though, she started coughing again. Deep, hacking coughs that rumbled through her chest and shook her body.
Coughs that wouldn't stop.
And Lapis knew that she had hit her target. And a small, satisfied smirk spread across her face.
If she had any hope of escape, any idea what she would do next, she might have used her remaining strength to overpower Jasper and flee. But there wasn't.
Instead, the door of the room burst open. And Topaz walked in, grabbing Jasper and escorting her out of the room as she kept coughing, violently.
"Next time..." Jasper started to say, until another coughing fit overtook her.
The door closed, leaving Lapis alone.
She sat back down on the floor, trying to beat down the demons coursing through her mind, trying to think again of Peridot and the Crystal Gems and all the good they might accomplish. All the happiness that laid in store.
If only she fought.
If only she survived.
The light overhead turned off, leaving Lapis in darkness.