AN: Thankyou for the reviews for the last chapter!!!

I'm starting to wish I had named this story something different now. There are so many moments I want to write about but there not really first times…maybe they are, don't know, so here it goes anyway…

Warning: Slight spoiler for the last episode 5.09 'The Real Ghost Busters'. Very slight at the end. So if you haven't seen it be careful and the line might not make sense to you.

Phantom Traveller…

I Was There…The First Time…

You weren't sleeping.

And when you did you were being startled awake by nightmares.

I tried to brush off my concern for you.

Saying things like it's your job to keep my ass alive.

And it was true I was relying on you.

I needed you to have my back.

But I was concerned.

It had been years since you had nightmares.

That I knew about anyway.

I hated that you were scared and hurting.

You told me it wasn't just the nightmares of Jess.

That it was everything, our job, it all kept you up at night.

You asked whether it bothered me.

And no it didn't, not really, not then.

If you asked me that same question now, the answer would be different.

I have lost everything I have ever cared about in one way or another.

Have been twisted and tormented and broken so many times I've lost count.

And so have you.

But we are still here together, at least that's something.

(Or everything)

I've been to Hell.

We brought on the Apocalypse.

If let it, I could drown in all the pain and anguish.

But you're the one keeping me afloat.

Even after everything…

But I wish things could be as simple as they seemed back then, black and white.

Good and Bad.

Right and Wrong…

It's hard now, sometimes those lines just blur, so you don't know who or what your fighting for…

Things used to be easier.

It was weird when you found out, that me Dean Winchester, your big brother was afraid of flying.

I never wanted you to know that, for you to see that chink in my amour.

Back then I really felt invincible.

It took a lot to worry me.

You and Dad were the only ones capable of bringing on fear.

The thought of losing you.

But flying…makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

You seemed so surprised.

It was odd having you be the comforter.

Acting like you were older.

Which is so annoying, by the way.

You were so clam, cos it didn't bother you at all.

But we made it through.

And I don't think I would have.

Actually I'm certain I wouldn't have if you weren't there to lean on.

Together we saved the day.

Simple, easy.

Black and white.

Then we heard Dad's message for the first time, and it hurt.

That he was around, telling people to call me if they needed help.

But he had just abandoned me with out a word…

I wasn't sure what you were feeling.

Hurt, angry, scared.

The same as me I guess.

He was around…and we had no idea where.

Or why he had just slipped of the radar.

If I hadn't had you with me Sammy.

I don't know what I would of done.

You made it easier to hold it together…

Really I guess it's not so hard to know who or what I'm fighting for.

I guess the answer is simple really.

It's what I've been fighting for, for the last 26 years…

It's what gives me strength to go on in the toughest times.

It's what I've always known, but it took a couple of "fans" to make me see it clearly.

It's what makes me the luckiest person on earth.

It's you.

My brother.

Who has always tried, whether misguided or not to do everything he could for me.

To protect me…

So just in case you didn't know Sammy.

My reason for fighting…

Has always been and will always be

…You.

So I hope the fact that I kind of flick between Dean writing about the past and present isn't too confusing. It makes sense to me, but hey I'm writing it and I've watched these episodes that many times I know the details backwards and forwards and inside out…

Please review. I love feedback.